Digest for Wednesday, February 02, 2000

There are 6 messages totalling 272 lines in this issue. 




Topics of the day:
  1. A Porcine Story (Pun)
  2. Catholic Dictionary
  3. Q & A
  4. Humor - Weird Business News #23 (2nd of3)
  5. Between Friends
  6. The results are in 


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Date:    Wed, 2 Feb 2000 00:10:21 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: A Porcine Story (Pun)

        Pig farmers have never done well in the United States. Most Americans
prefer beef to pork. Hamburger is an American favorite but contains no
ham. The porcine raisers were hopeful to see a significant increase in
their business after the scares about health over beef, but most of the
benefits had gone to the poultry and fish industries, Sale of ham and
bacon remained virtually unchanged. Because of this, The National
Porcine Association hired a major Madison Avenue advertising firm to
boost sale of pork products. They decided on an intensive campaign to
saturate magazines television and radio with ads urging people to eat
pork patties. The campaign was given an extra boost when Congress was
convinced to designate the second of February as the day when every
family would be urged to eat pork sausage. That day would be celebrated
nationally, of course, as ... Ground Hog Day.

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Date:    Wed, 2 Feb 2000 07:10:16 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Catholic Dictionary

 AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

 BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily.
           2. Catholic air conditioning.
           3. Your receipt for attending Mass.

 CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the
        congregation to lip-sync.

 HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

 HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than
       that of the congregation's range.

 RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more
                   quietly since most of the people have already left.

 INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

 JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges
          with good basketball teams.

 JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

 JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

 KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize
                 besides gyros and baklava.

 MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

 MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered
            by an HMO.
         2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always
            been rough.

 PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.

 PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting
             of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners
             looking for seats.

 RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass - led by
              parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

 RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually
         know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

 TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David
                   Letterman.

 USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity
         of a pew.

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Date:    Wed, 2 Feb 2000 08:41:51 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Q & A <adult, off.>

Q: Did you hear about the horny seminary school dropout?
A: He was looking for more than a missionary position.
      -------------------------------
Q: What is the difference between a cheap hooker and an elephant?
A: One rolls on its back for peanuts and the other one lives in a zoo.
      -------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the man whose wife ran off
      with a tractor salesman?
A: She wrote him a john deere letter.
      -------------------------------
Q: How do you get rid of unwanted pubic hair?
A: "Pi'tew...  Spit...  Pi'tew...  Spit..."
      -------------------------------
Q: Fat girls don't skinny dip... what do they do?
A: Chunky dunk.
      -------------------------------
Q: "Are you good in bed?"
   A: "Of course I am."
Q:  "How do you know?"
   A: "Because I'm always satisfied."
      -------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist?
A: After a month they were fighting tooth and nail.
      -------------------------------
Q: How do you know if a blonde's been in your freezer?
A: There's lipstick on the sasuages.
      -------------------------------
Q: What is your most vibrant golfing memory?
A: The day I stepped on a rake and hit two good balls...
      -------------------------------
Q: What's blue and fucks the homeless?
A: Hypothermia.
      -------------------------------
Q: What do you say to a man who you've just had sex with?
A: Say whatever you want... he's asleep.
      -------------------------------
Q: What is a man's worst nightmare ?
A:  a) the SuperBowl is pre-empted by a soap opera,
    b) his wife has amnesia and forgets how to cook so *he* has to do it,
    c) a female boss,
    d) he has to ask his wife for money.
      -------------------------------
Q: What's the definition of oral sex?
A: The taste of things to come.

*****************************
The truth is out there... Does anyone know the URL?

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Date:    Wed, 2 Feb 2000 11:55:29 -0600
From:    Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #23 (2nd of3)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                        You're killing us, Gus

 Our Tell It Like It Is Award to Gus Hillenbrand, chief executive
 officer of Hillenbrand Industries. At an industry conference, Hillenbrand
told    the attendees, "An aging population, especially the baby boomer
generation, will continue to drive the growth of both our funeral services
and health care businesses. People age 65 and older are the fastest-growing
segment of our population. Our four growth strategies will enable us to
leverage both our current market leadership position and favorable
demographic trends to expand into new niche markets related to our core
businesses."

 The Product of the Month Award to Dean Foods Co. for its Pickleavator.
It's a plastic serving basket inside a jar of pickles that enables the
consumer to lift and remove pickles easily, instead of trying to spear them
with a fork.
 Second place to the Boca Raton Resort & Club in Florida, which now serves
an upscale menu of baby foods for its well-heeled guests, including a baby
daiquiri. Ingredients: Cottage cheese, vanilla yogurt, crushed pineapple,
apple juice, coconut syrup and crushed ice.

 Travel Weekly, a trade magazine aimed at travel agents, collected a list
of things stolen from hotels and other travel sites by guests. The top
items taken are towels, soap, shampoo, bathrobes, hangers and ashtrays.
However, there have been some unusual ones:

 · A porter at the Hotel Intercontinental in Paris helped a guest carry out
a heavy duffel bag that turned out to contain a hotel TV set.

 · Someone stole a reclining chair from the Drury Inn Westport in St. Louis.

 · A guest at New York's Crowne Plaza made off with a sink.

 · At the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas, a guest marched unchallenged through
the lobby with a 6-foot-tall ficus tree.

 · At an amusement park in Scotland, a group of men loaded an 8,000-pound
locomotive -- a replica of the children's storybook character Thomas the
Tank Engine -- on a truck and drove it away. The park employees thought
they were hired by the park to do some maintenance and waved bye as the
thieves departed.

 · And at the Wyndham El San Juan in Puerto Rico, a disgruntled guest left
a note complaining that the hotel's towels were too thick. "I couldn't
close my suitcase," he wrote.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Date:    Wed, 2 Feb 2000 18:00:15 -0800
From:    Keith Sullivan <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Between Friends

BETWEEN FRIENDS

Hi Marve,

Thought I'd send a short e-mail to apologize about our lunch date
yesterday...  I don't know what made me think we could chat and catch up
with the baby there... guess I've learned my lesson -- you just can't
have any kind of sensible conversatii) ###yyt JJ9swwb3@@kkjnn xbbp
$mmk??? zzllwwpzt#BBBp223# #jjjj(((dfsssw4 ---// ... -- with kids
around.

Sandra Bell-Lundy in Reader's Digest

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Date:    Wed, 2 Feb 2000 22:16:45 -0500
From:    Gwen Eckman <gwen@CE.UDEL.EDU>
Subject: The results are in

FREE FORM THEORIZATION CONTEST RESULTS IN ...WOW!


HONORABLE MENTION (Subject: Linguistics)
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted
in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks his cah," the
lost R's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in
"erl" wells.

4th RUNNER-UP (Subject: Probability Theory)
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup
trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of
highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary
works in Braille.

3rd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Bio-Mechanics)
Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your
eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other
people's ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it out.

2nd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Symbolic Logic)
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no
alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at
a faster rate.

1st RUNNER-UP (Subject: Newtonian Mechanics)
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure
skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the
body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously
fast.

GRAND PRIZE WINNER (Subject: Perpetual Motion)
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is
dropped, it always lands buttered side down. It was proposed to strap giant
slabs of hot buttered toast to the back of a hundred tethered cats; the two
opposing forces will cause the cats to hover, spinning inches above the
ground. Using the giant buttered toast/cat array, a high-speed monorail
could easily link New York with Chicago.

(original source unknown)

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