Digest for Thursday, February 03, 2000
There are 10 messages totalling 675 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- S&M
- Metric / English System Conversions & Units
- Religion & Toys
- Food Funnies from The Chef
- Not offensive)The Speeding Driver
- sayings for the new millenium
- Humor - Weird Business News #23 (3rd of3)
- Wasted Resources
- Wanna Be A Zillon nair?
- Some Classic Groaners
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 3 Feb 2000 13:08:57 +0530
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: S&M <adult>
(via Lynne <B2Marvin@aol.com>)
A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van
(you know, shag carpets, big double mattress in the back...
all that) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky
side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"
The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity,
obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of
inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the aerial off his
van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse
in sadomasochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by
the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she
goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds
and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"
The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought
so, because in all my years of doctoring............
Wait for it...
Are you ready?????
Here comes the punch line....
You've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've
ever seen!
Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 3 Feb 2000 13:54:23 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Metric / English System Conversions & Units <clean>
(Hopefully, new ones).
Handy Metric / English System Conversions & Units
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
Hospital = 1 I.V. League
2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won Ton
.000001 cc. mouthwash = 1 microscope
Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = Mach Turtle
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = knot-
furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer = 1 lite year 16.5 feet in the
Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
0.5 large intestine = 1 semicolon
1,000,000 aches = 1 megahertz
1,000 murderers on a chaingang = 1 kilohertz
Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1
bananosecond
1/2 bath = 1 demijohn
Given the old adage "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a
single step", the first step of a one-mile journey = 1 Milwaukee.
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 3 Feb 2000 07:04:56 -0500
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Religion & Toys
Comparison of Religious Theory..........TOYS-WISE
Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys wins.
Hare Krishna - He who plays with the most toys wins.
Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys wins.
Anglican - They were our toys first.
Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.
Branch Davidians - He who dies playing with the biggest toys wins.
Atheism - There is no toy maker.
Polytheism - There are many toy makers.
Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.
Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.
Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go straight to
Hell if we catch you selling yours.
B'Hai - All toys are just fine with us.
Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
Taoism - The doll is as important as the dump truck.
Mormonism - Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.
Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second.
Hedonism - To heck with the rule book! Let's play!
Hinduism - He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals loses.
Seventh Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday loses.
Church of Christ - He whose toys make music loses.
Baptist - Once played, always played.
Jehovah's Witnesses - He who sells the most toys door-to-door wins.
Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk wins.
Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.
Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.
Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from, let's
just play with them.
Agnosticism - It is not possible to know whether toys make a bit of
difference.
Apathy- Toys? What do I need toys for?
Judaism - I'm selling. You buying?
First Kinky Church - You bet your ass we got toys.
First American Church - We play only with cowboy toys.
Church of Scientology - Toys 'R Us.
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 3 Feb 2000 08:56:43 -0500
From: Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Food Funnies from The Chef
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine
man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long,
thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off,
chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month,
the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief
shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
---------------------------
A HISTORY LESSON
It was the late 1600s in Philadelphia when several Quakers were
arrested for civil disobedience. William Penn's mother's sisters
owned a bakery and were known for their pies and their fair prices.
The two women decided to increase the price of their pies to help
raise the bail required to free their Quaker friends. Many in the
town objected to the increase and argued about the pie rates of
Penn's aunts.
---------------------------
"Those franks you sold me were meat at one end and cornmeal
at the other!"
"Yes, ma'am. In these times it's difficult to make both ends meat."
---------------------------
A friend of mine in Ohio has a daughter that is now 3 or 4 years out
of college. Soon after she graduated she got an apartment with
another girl. Well the other girl comes home one day to a burnt smell
in the apartment and asks her what is going on. "I'm baking a cake."
she says. "I think it's done." says the roomie. "No, it's not, I
just checked it." she says. Roomie looks in to see a very well done
cake and tells her it sure is done. "No it isn't, the toothpick
hasn't come out yet. The instructions say "Cake is done when a
toothpick inserted in the middle of the cake comes out clean."" She
had put a toothpick in the center of the unbaked cake and was waiting
for it to come out!
---------------------------
It had been a bumper year for zucchini in my garden. I was offering some
to anyone who ventured near. One day my neighbor came by for a chat.
As she was leaving, I pointed to the box of zucchini on the porch and said,
"Go ahead, take a couple." Rather slowly, she chose two of the smallest.
"Take a few more," I urged. She did.
"Take all you want," I said eagerly. She looked at me, sighed with relief,
put the zucchini back in the box and walked away.
---------------------------
A city slicker went to visit her friend in the country for a few days.
She was amazed that no one ever locked anything. But then one day
they drove into the nearest small town and noticed that her friend
locked the car doors. When she asked about this, her friend responded
that if they didn't lock the doors they'd come back to a car full of
zucchini.
---------------------------
While we're on the subject of zucchini... I have a friend who gives
the following definition of a lonely person:
Someone who has to buy zucchini at the grocery store.
---------------------------
A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone was
encouraged to bring their children.
All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker's three year old girl stared
at the man sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for
staring. The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in
place but nothing stopped her from staring at him.
He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. He
asked her "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet
for her response.
The little girl said "I just want to see how you drink like a fish."
---------------------------
WORLD WIDE RECIPES WEB SITE DIRECTORY
To subscribe: <http://www.wwrecipes.com/subscribe.htm>
OR send a blank email to: wwrecipes-on@mail-list.com
*************************
Quick! Cut through the salad bar!
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 3 Feb 2000 09:47:03 -0500
From: Grady Lacy <glacy@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Not offensive)The Speeding Driver
Bonnie Gustafsson, swedie@home.com, sent the following to RELHUVIA,
Relhuvia@listbot.com. I found it cute. Enjoy.
-------------------------------------------------------------
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding
down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your
heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"I said keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky
for you the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood
when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow, "I'm the groom."
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 3 Feb 2000 13:03:47 -0500
From: Musat, Bob <Bob.Musat@TRI-C.CC.OH.US>
Subject: sayings for the new millenium
This message is in MIME format. Since your mail reader does not understand
this format, some or all of this message may not be legible.
------_=_NextPart_001_01BF6E71.04A2EF50
Content-Type: text/plain;
charset="iso-8859-1"
1. Home is where you hang your @.
2. The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. In some places, C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice.
9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. Don't byte off more than you can view.
14. Fax is stranger than fiction.
15. What boots up must come down.
16. Windows will never cease.
17. Virtual reality is its own reward.
18. Modulation in all things.
19. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the
Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
20. There's no place like your homepage.
------_=_NextPart_001_01BF6E71.04A2EF50
Content-Type: text/html;
charset="iso-8859-1"
<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 3.2//EN">
<HTML>
<HEAD>
<META HTTP-EQUIV="Content-Type" CONTENT="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1">
<META NAME="Generator" CONTENT="MS Exchange Server version 5.5.2651.67">
<TITLE>sayings for the new millenium</TITLE>
</HEAD>
<BODY>
<P><FONT SIZE=2>1. Home is where you hang your @.</FONT>
<BR><FONT SIZE=2>2. The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.</FONT>
<BR><FONT SIZE=2>3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.</FONT>
<BR><FONT SIZE=2>4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.</FONT>
<BR><FONT SIZE=2>5. Great groups from little icons grow.</FONT>
<BR><FONT SIZE=2>6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.</FONT>
<BR><FONT SIZE=2>7. In some places, C:\ is the root of all directories.</FONT>
<BR><FONT SIZE=2>8. Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice.</FONT>
<BR><FONT SIZE=2>9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.</FONT>
<BR><FONT SIZE=2>10. The modem is the message.</FONT>
<BR><FONT SIZE=2>11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.</FONT>
<BR><FONT SIZE=2>12. The geek shall inherit the earth.</FONT>
<BR><FONT SIZE=2>13. Don't byte off more than you can view.</FONT>
<BR><FONT SIZE=2>14. Fax is stranger than fiction.</FONT>
<BR><FONT SIZE=2>15. What boots up must come down.</FONT>
<BR><FONT SIZE=2>16. Windows will never cease.</FONT>
<BR><FONT SIZE=2>17. Virtual reality is its own reward.</FONT>
<BR><FONT SIZE=2>18. Modulation in all things.</FONT>
<BR><FONT SIZE=2>19. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the</FONT>
<BR><FONT SIZE=2>Net and he won't bother you for weeks.</FONT>
<BR><FONT SIZE=2>20. There's no place like your homepage.</FONT>
</P>
</BODY>
</HTML>
------_=_NextPart_001_01BF6E71.04A2EF50--
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 3 Feb 2000 13:23:08 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #23 (3rd of3)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FACTS on poly-prophylactics
The Dragnet Award to Dynegy of Houston, which consolidated its Finance,
Accounting, Control, Technology and Services divisions into just the FACTS
group.
The Not In This Family Newspaper Award to Trojan brand condoms, which sent
a lengthy news release on its latest offering, a polyurethane model.
The Science Marches On Award to Collectors Universe, which tagged every
ball used in the Super Bowl with a strand of synthetic DNA to help "combat
the growing epidemic of sports memorabilia fraud."
The Name Game Award to KLM Royal Dutch Airlines. Apparently having used up
all the other letters in the alphabet in its name, it decided to name its
low-cost subsidiary just Buzz.
Second place to Hell's Kitchen Systems, which recently was purchased by
Red Hat.
The How Did They Get The Key to My Home Award to Irving-based
Kimberly-Clark, which found 41 percent of Americans said their housekeeping
standards have declined.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Fri, 4 Feb 2000 10:20:19 +0530
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Wasted Resources <adult>
In the July 6, 1999, issue of Time International we are informed
that the World Health Organization (WHO) estimates that 100 million acts
of human sexual intercourse occur each day but that only 910,000 of
them result in conception. The rest are simply wasted. Thus more
than 99 million acts of intercourse are squandered and have no
practical results except momentary pleasure for the participants.
If one takes into account the volume of the lost sperm, assuming at
least 5 mL per act of intercourse, we may calculate that about
5 x 10E-3 x 99 x 10E6 or 500 cubic meters of fertil fluid are wasted
per day. This brings the number to 15,000 cubic meters per month!
Assuming that the need for irrigation of an acre or agricultural land
in arid areas is about 40 cubic meters per acre per month, we find
that the available volume of sperm would be sufficient to irrigate,
as wall as fertilize, about 350 acres of land.
In addition, the squandered acts of intercourse require energy that
may be calculated to be equivalent to about 300 kcal per act of
intercourse. Thus the redundant energy--if properly harnessed--
would be sufficient to operate a power station and to supply
1500 mW/day, enough for a city the size of New York.
These energy calculations can be made more accessible to the
layperson. Let us say that the starter motor in your car has a
power requirement of 500W. Thus the energy wasted on nonproductive
acts of intercourse would be sufficient to start three million
cars. If you cannot start your car on a cold morning in winter,
think of your neighbors having wasted all that energy the night
before, enjoying themselves with their partners.
Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 3 Feb 2000 22:51:57 -0600
From: RANEBOUXshesaid <raneboux@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: Wanna Be A Zillon nair?
Regis and Joy Philbin are in bed.
Him - "Honey, how about sex tonight?"
Her - "No way."
Him - "Is that your final answer?"
Her - "Yes."
Him - "I'd like to phone a friend."
"I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the
whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to
know."
RANEBOUX
accept no other
*^* http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/ *^*^
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 3 Feb 2000 22:37:46 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Some Classic Groaners
It Is Written...
During his sermon one Sunday, the local preacher told his congregation
that the entire range of human experience could be found in the Bible.
He confidently stated: "If anything can happen to humans, it is
described somewhere in the Bible."
After the service, a woman came up to the preacher and said: "Reverend,
I don't think the Bible mentions anything about PMS."
The preacher told the woman he was certain he could find a reference to
PMS somewhere in scripture.
During the following week, he searched diligently, book-by-book,
chapter-by-chapter, and verse-by-verse.
On the following Sunday, the woman came up to him and asked, "Did you
find any references to PMS in the Bible?"
The preacher smiled, opened his Bible, and began to read: "...and Mary
rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge
in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and
asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says
"Here's a pill for English literature."
The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about
English literature!
"What else do you have?" asks the student.
"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history,"
replies the pharmacist.
The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge
about those subjects.
Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"
The pharmacist says "Wait just a moment", and goes back into the
storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.
"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.
The pharmacist replied "Well, you know ... math always was a little
hard to swallow."
The transistor was invented on Christmas Day, 1948, by Emily Gerund, a
high school teacher of English from Boston, Massachusetts, who was
serving a 20 years-to-life sentence in the state penitentiary for
throwing her husband's coat under a speeding truck. The judge was rather
severe with her because her husband was still in the coat at the time.
The Governor of the state owned an electronics firm and so was able to
provide surplus vacuum tubes to the prisoners so that they could
decorate their Christmas trees.
Now Emily had an extremely tiny tree, much too small for a string of
SV6s or even for a single QL4. But she just happened to find some
germanium crystals lying around. She stuck three wires in each one and
used them to decorate her tree. She was quite surprised when after she
completed the tree, it started picking up the Jack Benny Show.
The Governor, upon learning about this and realizing its implications,
immediately rushed to the prison and offered the English teacher a full
pardon in exchange for the manufacturing rights to her invention.
"Of course, Governor," she replied. ... "In this case, I'll be glad to
let you end a sentence with a proposition."
I once heard a story about a guy who loved to fish off the shores of
the Gulf of Mexico near Galveston. He ran a gas station during the day
and went surf fishing in the afternoon. As much as he loved surf
fishing, he had one disadvantage: he could not cast more than 10 yards
to save his life. Nothing he tried worked.
One day, after a particularly bad afternoon of short throws, he came to
the end of the line and vowed to give up surf fishing. However, through
the midst of his despair, he saw a vision on the by now deserted beach.
Out of the Gulf depths and through the surf came an old woman carrying a
load of heavy surf tackle directly toward him. She spoke to him in a
rough yet kind voice, saying, "I have watched you for weeks now, and I
am here to help. Let me teach you my way, and you will never again leave
this beach frustrated."
He was stunned by this strange situation, but he agreed. The old woman
stayed with him until moonrise, teaching him her technique. At the end
of the lesson, she wished him luck and returned to the sea through the
surf, never to be seen again.
The man decided to try his new skills out at first light on the next
morning. When he woke, he gathered his gear and went to his gas station.
Instead of opening for business, he hung a sign on the door which read:
"This station is conducting a test of the Emerging Sea Broad Casting System."
Way down south, there was a popular minister of a very large
congregation, who, after giving a particularly moving sermon, said,
"Friends, I have been hearing some very nasty rumors!"
Total silence fell across the congregation. "One of you, my faithful
followers, has been saying that I am a member of the Ku Klux Klan. This
is not true! I am now asking that the guilty party stand up and confess,
apologizing here before my flock."
A pretty woman, sitting in the first pew, stood up, "Preacher, I don't
know how this came to be. All I said was that … 'you're a wizard under
the sheets.' "
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she
decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the
receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night.
Would you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like
cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.
"Certainly, madam," he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.
The receptionist nodded and smiled.
"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for
the night.
The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early
to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.
"Morning madam...sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't
think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though....they really
weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest
Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would
value your opinion," said the receptionist.
"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled
a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary
had written.
"Super cauliflower cheese, but eggs were quite atrocious!"
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index