Digest for Saturday, February 05, 2000

Topics of the day:

1. PC Terms "Unplugged"
2. Careful What You (Dont) Sign!
3. Puns of the Weak 2-4-00

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Date:    Sat, 5 Feb 2000 09:24:33 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: PC Terms "Unplugged"

 It says: "Press Any Key"
 It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."

 It says: "Press A Key"
 (This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the "A"
  key.)

 It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no.
           1A4-2546512430E"
 It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be
            told that it's a hardware problem."

 It says: "Installing program to C:\<Directory>...."
 It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and
            c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them."

 It says: "Please insert disk 11"
 It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."

 It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...."
 It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..."

 It says: "Please Wait...."
 It means: "... Indefinitely."

 It says: "Directory does not exist...."
 It means: ".... any more. Whoops."

 It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."
 It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your
            work back."

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Date:    Sat, 5 Feb 2000 09:47:36 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Careful What You (Don't) Sign!

Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center, where he
was to advise new recruits about their government benefits,
especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI).  It
wasn't long before the center's Lieutenant noticed that Private
Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had
never happened before.  Rather than ask about this, the Lt. stood
in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and
then said.  "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed,
the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.  If you
don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the
government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to
send into battle first?"
[Thanks to Bill P]


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bssixteen/

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Date:    Sat, 5 Feb 2000 10:44:16 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns of the Weak 2-4-00

•A bum walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, 'Lady, I
haven't eaten in three days. She replied, "Force yourself." (Ed Hexter).
•"I set the rear of the attic aflame," Tom fired back loftily. (Lacey Smith)
•Notice!  Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll! (~Aiken Drum~)
•As Mick Jagger's personal orthopedist, Frank had a long and successful
career which reached its high point when the rock star's leg broke and
he alone was able to cast the first Stone. (Jeffrey Anbinder and Henry Bial)
•My pa is such a nice man that I think he must have been a girl when he
was a little boy. (Richard Lederer)
•What do fish sing on Sunday morning? Nearer my cod, to thee. (Cynthia MacGregor)
•What did man do in court when he stood accused of breaking into a liquor
store? He took the fifth.  (Scott Ryan)
•Now Bill Clinton's relied on his luck / For two terms, but this thought
has just struck /  Now with nothing at steak / He might easily make /
His next meal from a flaming lame duck. (Gary Hallock)
•"I can do an excellent impression of Sinatra," said Tom, being perfectly
frank. (Archives):
•Hershey Bar: A place for lesbians to drink beer (Jay Christie)
•You can’t play that violin yet. It's Isaac's turn"  (Gary Hallock)
•What do you call two gay Mexicans playing basketball by themselves? Juan
on Juan. (The Placebo Page):
•Mr. Peabody was elected and has accepted the position of church warden.
We could not get a better man. (Richard Lederer)
•Did you hear about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business next door
to the convent? He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if
she had any dirty habits. (Archives)
•The sign said, “Eight items or less,” so I changed my name to Les.
 •Because of the new kiddy craze sweeping the world, are kids now given
Pokemoney? (Jeff Craig)
•A diagnostic is someone who doesn't know whether there are two gods. (Archives)
•Visacarditis: The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your
credit limit. (Sylvia)
•"I ran into an old friend from high school the other day and she looked
marvelous! She hadn't gained an ounce, and she didn't have a single
wrinkle.  So I ran into her again." (Archives)
•A recent sci-fi action adventure about a voluptuous blonde actress in
the 1930's who becomes a prostitute for one month each spring. The Mae
Tricks (By Gary Hallock)
•Cloistered in an ancient monastery high in the French Alps, theoretical
economist Jacques Cannou struggled to complete his comprehensive model
of society's reaction to panhandlers, totally unaware that his model was
to become the watchword of the Great Depression, "Brother Cannou's
Paradigm." (Gordon K. Anderson)
•In central Wisconsin, there is a village named "Moon".  Lot's of bikers
stop at the outskirts to be photographed obeying the sign.  (Original Sins)
•My friend had a dream about typefaces the other day. She said it was
just a fontasy so I letter be. (A. M. H.)
•Walking her to the door, Keith said to his date, "Will I see you pretty
soon?" "What's the matter," she asked, hurt. "Don't you think I'm pretty
now?" (Becky Shiles)
•"How do these geese snow / Wintertime comes to fly south" / Migrate
grandma asks (By Gary Hallock)
•Did you hear that researchers have discovered that diarrhea is
hereditary? It runs in your jeans. (The Placebo Page):
•I've an area in my library devoted to B. F. Skinner.  When the kids
are bad I refer them to this area saying, "Behavior shelf." (Rusty Smith)
•"My doctor told me I couldn't get pregnant but that was just a
misconception. I got pregnant and the baby was delivered feet first so
I'm suing the doctor for breech of contraction." (PANews)
•A white lie is aversion of the truth. (Archives)
•The game show host, a former Marine, lived with his family in a famous
Mexican city. Name that family and their location.      The Halls of Monte
Zuma (Cynthia MacGregor)
•Find the melon gnome / Basking in sun far longer / Than his kin can,
sir. (By Lars Hanson)
•The dizzy German did not know vertigo. (ISTPF)
•Nudist colony:  A place where men and women air their differences (Archives)
•The fireplaces of oriental doctors have an Asian flue.  (Pun of the Day)
•When working in an art gallery, it is important to get the hang of it..
•I couldn’t find anyone to sing with, so I bought a duet-yourself kit. (Archives):
•A Chicago man has been given an award for inventing a telephone that
won’t ring when you are in the tub or shower, The “No Bell Peace Prize.”
(Frank & Ernest - Bob Thaves)
•"I've deduced that this is the right way," said Tom pathologically.
•A Sunday School teacher asked her class, "Does anyone here know what we
mean by sins of omission?" One of the girls replied, "Aren't those the
sins that we should have committed, but didn't?" (Richard Lederer)
•You have the right to remain silent.  Anything you say will be misquoted
then used against you. (Ron Klar)
•Al Gore has put out a new music CD as a campaign ploy to prove his
interest in primary school education? It's called Al Gore rhythms! (Amy
Parker)  But it's strictly Bush league. (Ron Forsch)
•Does Elizabeth Taylor her own clothes? (Dave Coble)
•In a town in Central Wisconsin, there is really great trout fishing.
The store that accommodates many of the anglers is called the "Master
Bait Shop". (Original Sins)
•A schizophrenic / And a most pious priest both / Have altar egos. (Gary H.)
•If Ally McBeal married James Katt she'd be … (Dennis Hammes)
•I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.(Archives)
•Why did the minister spend so much time underwater?  He was interested
in saving soles. (Cynthia MacGregor)
•What author would Cleopatra invoke if Mark Anthony asks her if she were
faithful to him? Omar Khayyam (Oh Mark, I am) (Stan Kegel)
•A story in an English newspaper I was reading yesterday dealt with a
rich Arab raffling 30 Rolls Royces. They missed the obvious headline:
Sheik raffle and Rolls! (Jeff Craig)
•What do you call a person who puts poison in a person's corn flakes? A
cereal killer. (The Placebo Page)
•Why do so many professional football players also bowl professionally?
The TV announcers introduce many of the players as pro bowlers. (The Vent)
•"Repent At Leisure" by Marion Hayste (Cynthia MacGregor)

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