Digest for Monday, February 07, 2000
There are 6 messages totalling 423 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Top Ten Reasons God Created Eve
- Top 20 Homicides (Part 2 - 10 to 1)
- Smiles (mature)
- Ethnic
- Aging Woman
- Sexual Consent Form - Part 2/2
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Date: Mon, 7 Feb 2000 11:54:57 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Top Ten Reasons God Created Eve <may be off. to the religious>
(Sent by an American friend. She added, "Written by Eve", but I
could not find any reference in Genesis about God creating the
alphabet, so I'll pass it on as "Author Unknown")
TOP TEN REASONS GOD CREATED EVE ...
10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden
because men hate to ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him
the TV remote. (Men don't want to see what's ON television, they
want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his
seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment
for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was
garbage night.
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would
never be able to handle childbearing.
4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where
he put his tools.
3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed
someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in
the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
And the number one reason God created Eve...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back,
scratched His head and said, "Damn ... I know I can do better
than that."
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Date: Mon, 7 Feb 2000 06:56:32 -0500
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Top 20 Homicides (Part 2 - 10 to 1)
10. Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael
because she talked on the phone too long. Michael clubbed his
sister to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several
times with the broken aerial.
9. Helena Simms, wife of famous American nuclear scientist,
Harold Simms, was killed by her husband after she had an affair
with the neighbor. Over a period of 3 months Harold substituted
Helena's eye shadow with a Uranium composite that was highly
radioactive, until she died of Radiation poisoning. Although she
suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, skin welts,
blindness, extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off, the
victim never went to a doctor or hospital for a check up.
8. Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his "two timing wife"
by loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4) the
Ford Taurus she was driving was filled with 750 kgs of explosive,
forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing.
Several persons, some up to 14 kilometers away, witnessed the
explosion. No traces of the car or the victim were ever found, only
a crater 55 meters deep and 500 meters of missing road.
7. Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbor in the
early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbor, Falt Hame, for
years had a mounted F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He
would fire the jet engine, aimed at an empty block at the back of
his property. Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local
sheriff officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr
Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately.
Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over "for a cup of coffee
and a chat" about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know
that he had changed the position of the engine, as she walked into
the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees,
killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.
6. Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie,
"Die Hard, With a Vengeance" as inspiration, drugged his boyfriend
Tony Berry, into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only
in a double sided white board that read "Death to all Niggers!" on
one side, and "God loves the KKK" on the other side. Lewis then
drove the victim to down town Harlem and dropped him off. Two
minutes later Berry was deceased.
5. Jay Newton was killed after a co-worker at Sea World Florida
dropped a 20 ton killer whale on him. The whale had been hoisted
out of his tank by a Master Ton Crane. When the victim swam
underneath to inspect the harness his colleague, Brian Hartley
released the whale, crushing the victim instantly (and emptying
1/4 of the water from the pool).
4. Carl Densinter, 34 years old, was killed by a fellow worker
trying to prove a point. The worker, San Amote Pet, disconnected
the internal landing gear settings on a Boeing 747 test plane.
The plane's gear automatically retracted after take off, but come
landing time they wouldn't deploy. The helpless Densinter could
not do a thing as the plane ran out of fuel, in an attempt at an
emergency landing the 747 exploded. Densinter was killed instantly
3. Mary Dridely, Joseph Coles and Haven Gillies were killed as
they walked past a New York apartment building. David Smee, 7
years old, and his 6 year old sister were left alone in their 27th
floor hotel room by their parents as they went to the hotel's
gaming room. Bored, the kids thought it might be fun to try and
squish the "ant looking things on the foot path below." They
started by throwing fruit, then quickly graduated to chairs,
televisions, even the drawers from the bedroom dresser.
2. Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother
Brian after a disagreement over who should take the family home
after their parents passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and
had no sense of smell. After the argument Brian stormed out of
the house, then snuck back later and turned on the 3 gas taps in
the house, filling it with gas. He then left out a box of cigars,
a lighter and a note saying, "Sorry for the spree, have a puff on
me, Brian" Conrad promptly lit a cigar, destroying the house, and
himself in the process.
1. Gail Queens, 23 years old, was killed by her Zookeeper boy-
friend Matthew Kellaway after she refused sex. He "invited her"
to the zoo to the see the lions feeding. She accepted and he then
led her into a room that had a large slide away panel. He
explained to her that it was a large glass viewing window to watch
the lions devour their prey. He "ducked out for a quick smoke"
and locked her in the room. Suddenly the slide away panel opened
to reveal many persons starring at her; she was just about to
yell and tell them that they were on the wrong side of the glass
when she realized that it was she who was on the wrong side.
Another panel opened and 3 hungry lions were let into the pen.
Gail survived for 2 days in hospital before dying of massive
internal injuries.
[Thanks to Marc W]
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bssixteen/
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Date: Mon, 7 Feb 2000 07:04:48 -0500
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Smiles (mature)
Growing Pains
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying
erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks
his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite
concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that,
though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?", the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?", responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife coldly, "You ARE planning to lengthen Ralph's legs,
aren't you?"
============================================================================
Pregnant
A young lady had just visited her doctor, and he informed her that she
was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had
wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she
felt that she had to share her good news with someone. The gentleman
sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.
"Sir," she said, "I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I
have to share it with someone, or I'll bust."
She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant.
The man shared her enthusiasm as he shared his experience. He said he was
a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he
went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had laid eggs.
He was so happy, he added, "But confidentially, I changed cocks."
The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially...me, too."
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Date: Mon, 7 Feb 2000 09:11:14 -0500
From: Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Ethnic <adult, off.>
Q: What does the "BFI" on the outside of a garbage truck stand for?
A: "Black Family Inside"
-- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --
A former fighter pilot for the Swedish Air Force was being interviewed
on television. The interviewer asked him to relate his experiences in
dogfights during World War II.
The Swede thought for a moment, then began, "Well, I remember dis
one time I vas on a reconnaissance mission, and suddenly, dere vas
dese two German fokkers above me."
The interviewer interrupted him at this point and said, "I'd like to
point out for the audience that a Fokker was a type of German fighter
plane."
The Swede replied, "Ja, but on dis occasion, dey vas flying
Messerschmidts."
-- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --
Q: According to the Bible, how were the Irish created?
A: Adam looked down at Eve and said, "Oh! Hair!"
And Eve looked down at Adam and said, "Oh! Tool!"
-- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --
Top Ten Balkan Bumper Stickers
--------------
10. If This Goat Cart's a Rockin', Don't Come a Knockin'
9. If You Ain't MOSLEM, You Ain't SHIITE
8. If You Want My Pitchfork, You'll Have to Pry It From My
Cold, Dead Hands
7. My Serbian Son Beat Up Your Croatian Honor-Roll Student
6. I'm 4 IFOR, Who R U 4?
5. Don't Blame Me, I Voted For Tito
4. I Brake For IFOR
3. Don't Ask Me Where You Are, I Can't Pronounce It Either
2. Don't Follow Me, I'm In a Minefield, Too
1. Honk If You've Been Relocated
-- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --
Q: Why are there more white people killed in avalanches than blacks?
A: The blacks are easier to find in the snow.
-- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --
A BIG Mexican in a pub was walking back to his table with three handles
of beer in each hand when this little wimpy guy stopped him and said, "I
would really love to give you a blow job."
The Mexican looked at him for a bit, walked back to his table, put the
handles down, and then went back and beat the living shit out of the guy.
When he went back to his table, his friend said, "Jeez Paco, why you do
that?"
Paco said, "The leetle bastard said somet'ing about a job!"
-- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --
Jewish telegram:
"Begin worrying. Details to follow."
-- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --
Q: How can you tell when an American is on the level?
A: When the gravy runs out of both sides of his mouth.
-- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --
During the latest test of the rocket Ariane, a Frenchman was sent
into orbit with a monkey. Each was given an envelope prior to
launch.
When they had finally left the Earth's atmosphere, the monkey
opened his envelope and read the instructions:
"Adjust trim, jettison fuel pods, check matter/anti-matter readings,
correct course to 110 degrees and ease back on throttle controls.
Activate internal and external videos, secure all systems, check all
computers and make all necessary repairs and adjustments."
The Frenchman opened his envelope and found the following
instructions:
"Feed the monkey."
-- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --
Q: Why did God give black folks rhythm?
A: As compensation for fucking up their hair.
-- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --
ATTENTION: CERTAIN ETHNIC PEOPLES:
Do not eat the brown stuff in the bowl!
It is *Not* beef stew!
-- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --
"How was your trip to New Jersey?"
"Well, a mugger stopped me and said, 'Gimme your money, or
I'll blow your brains out.' "
"What did you do?"
"I told him to go ahead and shoot. He was so shocked, he ran away."
"Wow! He told you to give him your money or he'd blow your brains out,
and you told him to go ahead and shoot?"
"Yeah. You don't need brains to live in New Jersey, but you can't
get along without money."
-- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --
Q: Why do blacks hate aspirin?
A: You have to pick through cotton to get to the pills.
**********************************
A European says, "I can't understand this, what's wrong with me?"
An American says, "I can't understand this, what's wrong with him?"
-- Terry Pratchett
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Date: Mon, 7 Feb 2000 12:13:38 -0500
From: Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Aging Woman
AGING WOMAN!
Age 8: Looks at herself and sees Cinderella / Sleeping Beauty etc.
Age 15: Looks at herself and sees Cinderella /
Sleeping Beauty / Cheerleader or if she is PMS'ing: sees Fat /
Pimples / UGLY
("Mom, I can't go to school looking like this!")
Age 20: Looks at herself and sees "too fat / too thin,
too short/ too tall, too straight / too curly" - but decides she's
going anyway.
Age 30: Looks at herself and sees "too fat / too thin,
too short / too tall, too straight / too curly" - but decides she
doesn't have time to fix it so she's going anyway.
Age 40: Looks at herself and sees "too fat / too thin,
too short / too tall, too straight / too curly" - but says, "At
least, I'm clean," and goes anyway.
Age 50: Looks at herself and sees "I am" and goes
where ever she wants to.
Age 60: Looks at herself and reminds herself of all
the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror
anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.
Age 70: Looks at herself and sees wisdom,
laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.
Age 80: Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a red
hat and goes out to participate in the world.
Age 90: Can't see and so doesn't worry about it!
Send this on to all the women you are grateful to have as friends.
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Date: Tue, 8 Feb 2000 09:26:38 +0530
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Sexual Consent Form - Part 2/2 <adult>
Form# 69 Version 1.0.2 Sexual Consent Form for two individuals..Continued..
Part 3: Consent of the first party.
The first party consents to the following sexual acts: (Check all that
the first party consents to. Any contact in the form of XXX-XXX, the
first part refers to the consenting party, and the second part refers to
the other party) Although the first party consents to allow the following,
this is no way implies that any of the following acts will be carried out.
__ Fully clothed bodily contact
__ Partially clothed bodily contact
__ Nude bodily contact
__ Hand-torso contact
__ Torso-hand contact
__ Hand-genital contact
__ Genital-hand contact
__ Hand-anal contact
__ Anal-hand contact
__ Oral-oral contact
__ Oral-oral contact involving the tongue
__ Oral-torso contact
__ Oral-torso contact involving the tongue
__ Torso-oral contact
__ Torso-oral contact involving the tongue
__ Oral-genital contact
__ Oral-genital contact involving the tongue
__ genital-oral contact
__ genital-oral contact involving the tongue
__ Oral-anal contact
__ Oral-anal contact involving the tongue
__ Anal-oral contact
__ Anal-oral contact involving the tongue
__ Masturbation in the presence of the other party
__ Sexual intercourse in the missionary position, on top.
__ Sexual intercourse in the missionary position, on the bottom.
__ Sexual intercourse "doggy style"
__ Sexual intercourse in other positions: _____
__ Anal intercourse.
__ Physically binding the other party.
__ Being physically bound by the other party.
__ Using the following devices on the other party: (The party assumes
all liability for malfunction or misuse of these devices):______
__ Having the following devices used upon the party by the other party:
__ Other:
Part 4: Consent of the second party.
The second party consents to the following sexual acts: (Check
all that the second party consents to. Any contact in the form
of XXX-XXX, the first part refers to the consenting party, and
the second part refers to the other party). Although the second
party consents to allow the following, this is no way implies
that any of the following acts will be carried out.
[A reference to Part 4 can be made in this regard.]
Part 5: Termination of consent.
Either party can nullify their consent to any specific act by
saying "_______" to the other party, or otherwise indicating
refusal to consent. Either party can also terminate all consent
to sexual activities by saying "______" to the other party, or by
indicating in the following manner that consent is no longer given:
Part 6: Non-disclosure
__ Check here if both parties agree to the following. If both parties
don't agree, then both parties are free to disclose all that occurs.
Both parties agree to only disclose the following information
concerning their sexual activities to others.
Any party who violates this section is liable for $___ in
punitive damages for each violation of this section.
Signed:
First party: _______________ Second party: _____________
Date: __________ Date: _________
Witnessed by: _______________ Date: _________
Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)
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