Digest for Thursday, March 02, 2000
There are 8 messages totalling 412 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Fit Wit
- Explosive Cranial Dispersal 20%
- Assorted Smiles
- Prayers of Children
- GROSS!!!
- TENDJEWBERRYMUD
- Pesticide
- Mixed Cricket
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Date: Wed, 1 Mar 2000 21:08:51 -0800
From: Keith Sullivan <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Fit Wit
FIT WIT
Hoping to lose some weight, a friend was counting calories, reducing fat
intake and walking her dog twice a day, steadily increasing the
distance. But after a month she had only lost one pound. A short time
later she brought the dog to the vet for a checkup.
"Is your dog eating well?" the puzzled vet asked. "He's lost ten
pounds."
Grace Wetzel in Reader's Digest
---------------
http://www.onelist.com/community/McHawList
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Date: Thu, 2 Mar 2000 06:49:20 -0500
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Explosive Cranial Dispersal 20%
There's a stupid ad for some medical product, which says "In
clinical trials, the most common side effect was headache."
A curiously evasive and meaningless statement. The moment I
heard it, I immediately realized that the lab results must have
looked something like this:
Side effect Incidence
----------- ---------
Headache 99%
Massive brain hemorrhage 98%
Malignant cancer of the genitals 92%
Tertiary syphilis 85%
Windows NT 76%
Smallpox 40%
Death of one kidney 33%
Explosive cranial dispersal 20%
Total body ionization 11%
So beware.
[Thanks JB]
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bssixteen/
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Date: Thu, 2 Mar 2000 07:27:23 -0500
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Assorted Smiles
There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it
finally comes down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude
from law school. Both came from good families. Both are equally
attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one,
so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?" In
seconds, he chooses Paul.
Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. "I don't understand why I was rejected.
When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the
greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the
Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in
the world did you tell him?"
"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.
"Your hands? What do you mean?"
"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of
them!"
============================================================================
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find
that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the
lights because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife
decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on
some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with
me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to
have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife,
"Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on
my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on
my penis......let's say about fifty times."
============================================================================
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from
politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could
never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way: 'Take a clean
dish'".
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Date: Thu, 2 Mar 2000 11:06:48 -0600
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Prayers of Children
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running
as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible
class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't
let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be
late!" As she was running and praying, she tripped on
a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing
her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and
started running again. As she ran she once again began
to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be
late!...But don't shove me either."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer: "Now I
lay me down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test,
If I should die before I wake, that's one less test I
have to take."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy's prayer: "Dear God, please take care of
my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and
my doggy and me. Oh, please take care of yourself,
God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a
big mess."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night.
"Dear God, thank you for these pancakes..." When he
concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God
for pancakes when they were having chicken. He smiled
and said, "I thought I'd see if He was paying
attention tonight."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room.
After a while he emerged and informed his mother that
he had thought it over and then said a prayer. "Fine",
said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you
not misbehave, He will help you." "Oh, I didn't ask
Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked
Him to help you put up with me."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned
that his students might be a little confused about
Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis
on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood
that the birth of Jesus occurred for real. He asked
his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his
hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on
and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny,
waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I
know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very
quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a
response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a
few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits
and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little
Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up,
bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Good Lord, are
you still in there?!"
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Date: Thu, 2 Mar 2000 12:25:44 -0500
From: Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: GROSS!!! <adult, gross, REAL offensive>
At the movie theater, a man noticed a young woman sitting all by
herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt
and was frigging herself furiously. He moved to the next seat to her
and offered his help.
She welcomed his help, and so the man started fingering her
like crazy.
When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her
go back to work on herself with both hands.
"Didn't I do it good enough?" he asked sheepishly.
"No, that was great..." she said. "But these crabs are still itching
like mad!!!"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: What do you call a cow that's had an abortion?
A: Decalfinated.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I heard Janet Reno really doesn't have Parkinson's.
She just can't retrieve her vibrator.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
In the kindergarten classroom, the teacher notices a little puddle
underneath Susie's chair.
"Oh Susie!" says the teacher, "you should have put your hand up."
"I did," Susie replied. "But it still trickled through my fingers."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: What happens when you eat beans and peanut butter...?
A:You get a fart that sticks to the roof of your ass.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
We all know that tampons are spongey,
And oftentimes get rather grungy,
But why they have strings,
Among other things,
Is so that the crabs can all bungee.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Did you know that........
Scatologists are experts who study dookie?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
An Italian cab driver was telling a passenger that only real men drive
taxis in Rome.
"We use our left hand for signals and our right hand to wave at women,"
he proclaimed.
The tourist asked, "But how do you steer?"
"I just told you," the cabbie replied, "that only *real* men drive taxis
in Rome."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a jockey?
A: A jockey has a license to ride two year olds.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A couple gets married. Forty years later, they're in the same hotel
room they spent their honeymoon in. She takes off her clothes, lies
down on the bed, spreads her legs...
Her husband looks at her and he begins to weep uncontrollably.
She says, "What's the matter?"
He says, "Forty years ago, I couldn't wait to eat it, and now, NOW...
Now, it looks like it can't wait to eat ME!"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Linda Tripp has volunteered to wear her wire and befriend the Ramseys.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: What's the difference between a nun and a whore?
A: The whore doesn't beg you to give it to her in the ass.
********************
I can't wait to get really old...
Then I can actually pick my nose in public.
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Date: Thu, 2 Mar 2000 10:05:29 -0800
From: Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: TENDJEWBERRYMUD
This may be a repeat--and please excuse if it is. Worth repeating, anyway!
Its amazing, you will understand the above word by the
end of the conversation......
Read aloud for best results. "Tendjewberrymud"
Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking
"funny" for a while after reading this. This has been
nominated for best email of 1999.
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel
guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia, which was
recorded and published in the Far East Economic
Review....
Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor
sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry,
scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS:"San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know
what 'judo one toes' means."
RS: "Toes! Toes!...Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow
singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying
'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache,
crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey
sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud."
G : "You're welcome."
--
Susan Birkenseer
Sue@CircusPrepress.com
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Date: Thu, 2 Mar 2000 16:02:34 -0500
From: Gwen Eckman <gwen@CE.UDEL.EDU>
Subject: Pesticide
FARMER BUYS A CONDOM
A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the
pharmacist, "I want me one of them thar condoms with
pesticides on it. Where do I find 'em?"
The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want
the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4."
"No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it,"
growled the farmer. "Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated
from explaining, "PESTICIDE is for killing insects,
SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that you mean
SPERMICIDE instead of pesticide."
"Listen here," argued the farmer, "I want condoms with
PESTICIDE on it, my wife's got a bug up her ass, and I aim
to kill it.
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Date: Fri, 3 Mar 2000 10:07:25 +0530
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Mixed Cricket <adult>
With many games like tennis being played by both men and women (mixed
doubles) -the day is not far off when cricket is played by both men and
women together.....a brief look on this sport now..
She walks in and takes her position. She makes sure that she is mentally
prepared for the long session that she is to endure without wearing out.
His objective was to wear her out. He could go on for hours without
getting tired. He has this practice of rubbing the ball against his pants
before he started. It was his way of making sure that the ball is
sufficiently lubricated so that they slide gently over the field. Now he
looks like he is sufficiently charged.....
He comes in and without much ado, she wields the bat. She looks like she
is ready to take him. She tightens her grip of the bat, squeezing it and
moving it up and down. He tries to take charge by coming into her with
full force.....
But then, she takes full control of the proceedings, effortlessly stroking
him over point and deep fine leg. As time elapses and she keeps making
strokes, she realizes that he is getting harder and harder and more
difficult to stop. It gets really hot and both of them are really sweating
it out.
She has a weird position and faces him with her legs spread apart. He
consistently finds the gap between her legs. Every now and then he taunts
her by asking "Howzzat?". Her control over the whole situation isn't as
good as she would like it to be. She is losing her strength. She wants
to adjust her position before he comes over. She knows that he can come
anytime then.....there was nothing she could do about it .....
Finally, the inevitable had to happen. It was more of an accident than
an accident. She was bed-ridden for the next 10 months and all she
could think of was the day of the delivery!
Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)
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