Digest for Saturday, March 04, 2000

Topics of the day:

1. Puns of the Weak: 3-3-00
2. Men Are From Mars And Women Are From Venus (Part 1 of 2)

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Date:    Sat, 4 Mar 2000 00:37:40 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns of the Weak:  3-3-00

•"Bartender, got any specials today?" "Yes, we mix Pabst Blue Ribbon and
Smirnoff Vodka." "What do you call it?" "Well we call it a 'Pabst
Smir'!" (Norm Gilbert)
•Why do you call winter "Musical Weather?" Because if you don't C sharp,
you'll B flat! (The Pun Page)
•Undertakers are nice. They're the last to let people down. (Very Punny)
•When his daughter got married, the Senator ended up with “The Bill Of
Rites.” (Jumble)
•It may be garbage to you, but it is bread and butter to the garbage
collector. (Willard R. Espy)
•I must be following my diet too closely. I keep gaining on it! (Nick)
*All through winter, summer, the fall 'n' / Especially springtime, I'm
bawling / My eyes are all red / And so stuffy's my headI'm miserable.
It's so a pollen. (By Gary Hallock)
•Hall Marked Cards - For the shark who cares enough to cheat the very
best. (Stan Kegel)
•I agree with what you are stating / When seasons give allergy rating /
I don't rack my head / I just stay in bed / Because I prefer pollen
hating (Kitten)
•Have you heard about the secretary who was making it with her boss when
his wife walked in? She had to change her position. (Richard Lederer)
•I was corn & bread in the south. My grandma Rachael used to cook grits.
We all called them "Rachael hominy." Harmony times have you heard that
one? (Gary Hallock)
•Practice and Gamble - Learn to clean up at the Black Jack table. (N. Gilbert)
•A celebrity tea party was arranged but due to a terrible mix up, only
two invitations were mailed out. Bob Hope eagerly accepted his, as did
Cher, but the organizer canceled the event because he didn't want to
face Hope and Cher at tea. (Gary Hallock)
•“I’ll Be There” by Helen Highwater (Cynthia MacGregor)
•Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. (Donna Eaker)
•Sammy D. Avis, Jr.: second-best U. S. entertainer. (Willard R. Espy)
•Solomon-Smith-Blarney - We may be broker but we're not stoned! (G
Hallock)
•Would you answer my tech problem if I offered you a cache incentive?
Maybe if I told you that you had a hot baud? (Chandra K. Clarke)
•Walking her to the door, Keith said to his date, "Will I see you pretty
soon? "What's the matter," she asked, hurt. "Don't you think I'm pretty
now?" (Don’s List)
•Marriage is a three ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring,
Suffering (Aaron Pawson)
•Impede: Gnome urinated. (Richard Lederer)
•What award winning book and movie is the story of a songbird who weighed
almost four and  a half pounds? Two Kilo Mockingbird  (Stan Kegel)
•Federal Distress - For a truly taxing experience.  (Lars Hanson)
•Brake: What you don't want to do to that expensive new tool or part (W.Dulby)
•Gideon unwisely decided to use as entrée the remainder of yesterday's
breakfast oatmeal, flambéed with two hundred-proof rum, for, as he
ignited the dish the resultant conflagration caused him to gush,
“There's no fuel like an old gruel!"  (C. A. Hall)
•Arctic sailors often go with the floe. (Jumble)
•Talk about being thin! Well, you’re thin, and I’m thin, but he’s as thin
as the pair of us put together! (Willard R. Espy)
•The Hara Krishna couple fell in love after a chants meeting. (Gary Hallock)
•Does the plaster of paris manufacturer treat his clients fairly? No, he
gypsum. (Cynthia MacGregor)
•Commenting on some delicate trade negotiations involving bananas, the
BBC commentator said that the decision would be allowed to stand for
fear it would fall on appeal. (Dave P.)
•I misplaced my dictionary. Now I'm at a loss for words. (Ed Hexter)
•Real Names: The "Lear" family, who named their daughter "Chrystal
Shanda” (Ann Landers)
•"I'm never anywhere on time," Tom related. (Archives) :
•Polite: Part of the illumination system for night baseball. (Brandy Brandon)
•Sects, sects, sects. Is that all you monks ever think about? (Archives)
•There once was a girl named Irene / Who lived on distilled kerosene/
But she started absorbin' / A new hydrocarbon / And since then has never
benzine. (Ms. Kitty)
•A zookeeper having trouble with the aviary could be having a bad owl
movement. Sorry, that was just a play on birds. (Very Punny)
•Have you heard about the two nudists who split up? They were seeing too
much of each other (Richard Lederer)
•Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. (Archives)
•One very popular flower is violets, but I don't know why--I'm opposed to
violets! There is too much violets in the world already...we have
violets in the schools, violets in the workplace! (Cynthia MacGregor)
•One thing to remember when eating in a German restaurant, No matter how
bad the appetizer is, the wurst is yet to come. But the good news is
that you'll always be with the "in kraut." (Cathrine Shoemaker)
•The glazier told his girlfriend, "I am putty in your hands..." And then
she framed him. It was such a pane. (Keith Todd)
•There is a sign in the toilet of the Sex Change Clinic. It reads "We may
never piss this way again." (Archives)
•These days, even a cat with kittens is considered litterate. (Dennis Hammes)
•Dog for sale: Eats anything and is fond of children. (Allen Morris)
•Cry Slur Corporation - Be sorry you slammed the opposition. (Norm Gilbert)
•Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years (David Bunch)
•Man who wear leather watchband usually strapped for time. (Dano)
•Shrinkwrapped, the book "Twenty Ways to Mate:  Translated from the
French with Original Illustrations" was selling like hotcakes.  As he
rang up yet another sale, one clerk shook his head and said to another,
"You know, I've just never seen a chess book sell so well!" (Becky Shiles)
•Burglar King - Let us get you that hard to find item. (Stan Kegel)
•The janitor's union called for sweeping reforms. (Pun of the Day)
•A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth. (Don Thorn)
•"I just got a sex change," said Tom, feeling rather disorganized. (Gill
Krebs) :

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Date:    Sat, 4 Mar 2000 07:54:16 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Men Are From Mars And Women Are From Venus (Part 1 of 2)

MATURITY : Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old
females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still
trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym
class.  This is why most high school romances rarely work out.

HANDWRITING : To their credit, men do not decorate their penman-
ship.  They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored
stationery and dot their "i"'s with circles and hearts. Women use
ridiculously large loops in their "p"'s and "g"'s. It is a royal
pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you,
she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

COMEDY : Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room,
watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on.
Immediately, the men will get very excited: they will laugh
uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's
favorite Stooge. Women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it
out.

BATHROOMS : A man has six items in his bathroom ; toothpaste, a
toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel
from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical
woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most
of these items.

GROCERIES : A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes
out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only
items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes
grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time
a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than
the Clampett's car on the Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will
not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less checkout lane.

SHOES : When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool
suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes
in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will
put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off
because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair
of shoes all day long.

GOING OUT : When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is
ready to go out NOW. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it
means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her
earrings, finishes putting on her makeup.....

CATS : Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women
aren't looking... men kick cats.

OFFSPRING : Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances
and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and
dreams.  A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the
house.

LOW BLOWS : Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing
match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman
says, "Oh,gee. That must have hurt. " A man doubles over and
actually FEELS the pain.

DRESSING UP : A woman will dress up to; go shopping, water the
plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the
mail. A man will dress up for; weddings and funerals.

LAUNDRY : Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear
every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants
that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry.
When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt
inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the
laundromat.

WEDDINGS : When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the
ceremony". Men talk about " the bachelor party".

SOCKS : Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweat
socks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the
ankles, that have pictures of clouds, that have a big fuzzy ball
on the back.

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bssixteen/

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