Digest for Sunday, March 05, 2000
There are 5 messages totalling 283 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Men Are From Mars And Women Are From Venus (Part 2 of 2)
- Womens Guide to Mens English (adult)
- Humor - Weird Business News #24 (1st of 3)
- Signs from God
- The Warsaw Affair
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Date: Sun, 5 Mar 2000 07:55:36 -0500
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Men Are From Mars And Women Are From Venus (Part 2 of 2)
NICKNAMES : If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for
lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and
Michelle. But, if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky,
they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head,
Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
EATING OUT : ..... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and
Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for
$22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will
actually admit to wanting change back. When the girls get their
check.. out come the pocket calculators.
MIRRORS : Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a
mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their
reflections in any shiny surface; mirrors, spoons,store windows,
bald men's heads....
THE TELEPHONE : Men see the telephone as a communication tool.
They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A
woman can go visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon
returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk
for three hours.
DIRECTIONS : If a woman is out driving. and she finds herself in
unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask
for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men
will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle
for hours, all the while saying things like "Looks like I've
found a new way to get there." and "I know I'm in the general
neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."
ADMITTING MISTAKES : Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.
The last man to admit a mistake was General George Custer.
TOYS : Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach
the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of
their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply
become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's
toys; little miniature TV's . Car phones. Complicated juicers and
blenders. Graphic equalizers, Small robots that serve cocktails on
command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at
least 6 "D" cell batteries to operate.
PLANTS : A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on
vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or
six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows
why this happens.
CAMERAS : Men take photography seriously. They'll shell out $4000
for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take
photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course.
women always end up taking better pictures.
GARAGES : Women use garages to park their cars and store their
lawn mowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license
plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build
useless lopsided benches in garages.
SPORTS ARENAS : Simply put, men can always find their way around
stadiums and arenas. The women usually end up following men.
TIME : When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more
minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says
the football game's just got five minutes left. Neither of them
is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.
CONVERSATION : Men need a good disagreement to get talking. For
example:
"Wow ! What a great movie!"
"What are you, nuts??!! No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size."
"Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys..."
etc. Women , not having this problem attempt to initiate
conversations with men by saying something agreeable ;
"That garden by the roadside looks lovely."
"Mm-hmm."
[Pause.]
"That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?"
"Yeah."
[Pause.] And so on.
FRIENDS : Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time. Men on
a boys' night out say about twenty words all night, most of which
are "Pass the Doritos" or "Got any more beer?"
RESTROOMS : Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women
use restrooms as social lounges. Men in restrooms will never speak
a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom
giggling together like old friends.
[Thanks to Stefanie Sampson]
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bssixteen/
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Date: Sun, 5 Mar 2000 08:32:34 -0500
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Women's Guide to Men's English (adult)
"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry
"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy
"I'm tired" = I'm tired
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of
this
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma
are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you" = Let's have sex now
"I love you, too" = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look any
different!
"Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep
person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with
other guys
"I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and
let's go home!!!
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Date: Sun, 5 Mar 2000 13:12:06 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #24 (1st of 3)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Enough OF this serious stuff. Time for another look at the lengths
business goes to in search of a buck. Yes, it's time for the monthly issue
of Weird Business News.
The You Can Get Blood Out of a Turnip -- or at Least a Kidney -- Award to
Japanese moneylender Nichiei Co. after it was discovered that its employees
were urging debtors to sell their organs to repay loans.
The explosion of dot-coms -- those Internet-based sales companies -- has
made awarding our prestigious Best Business Name more difficult. Here are
some nominations. You choose.
· Eroticpillows.com sells pillows adorned with "tasteful erotic images
from classical paintings, prints and photographs."
· Bigwords.com sells college textbooks.
· Cargill, DuPont and Cenex Harvest States Cooperatives have a Web-based
market
for farmers and other agricultural customers. Its name? Rooster.com.
The Inflation Hurts Everyone Award to the store Forever 99 Cents on
Interstate 45 North in Houston. The sign outside now reads, "Forever 99
Cents and Up."
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Date: Sun, 5 Mar 2000 21:15:06 EST
From: SteveYoth@AOL.COM
Subject: Signs from God <offensive to religious people>
I moved back to my hometown of Griffin, GA, after an absence of several years
and what do I find? God has suddenly developed a yen for billboard
advertising. There are "signs from God" all over this town --- and we
thought the age of miracles was long since over! One of them reads:
"Will the road you're on get you to my place?
---God"
I read this and thought, "Man, I hope not. My wife's expecting bread and
milk!"
But my "favorite" has to be:
"Invite me back into the schools.
---God"
With my apologies to David Letterman, here are my top ten responses to God's
request that he be allowed to come back to school:
10. Not until you write "I am very sorry for flooding the world" 100,000
times.
9. Okay, but from now on you'll have to do your own work --- no more letting
other people write your assignments for you.
8. Will you be trying out for the football team?
7. I'm sorry, but after an absence of this length, we'll need a note from
your parents.
6. Sure, why not? I suppose the cafeteria can handle a few more burnt
offerings.
5. All right, but this school's got a zero tolerance policy. If we so much
as smell a lightning bolt, you're out of here!
4. Do you really think you can handle letting your teacher decide whether
your work is "good"?
3. On one condition: Mr. Omnipresent has to promise to stay out of the
girl's locker room.
2. Wouldn't it be simpler for a guy your age just to get his GED?
And the number one response to God's request to come back to school:
1. Oh, sure: first God, then Buddha, then Allah --- then there goes the
whole student/teacher ratio!
______________________________
(From Matt Jordan, EvolBeagle@aol.com, via afs-forum@egroups.com.)
Used by permission.
- Steve Yothment, Lawrenceville, GA.
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Date: Mon, 6 Mar 2000 09:45:05 +0530
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: The Warsaw Affair <clean, classic>
(This joke, making the rounds in Warsaw, was related in an editorial in
the Boston Globe, 16/03/1989.)
A dejected Communist Party candidate trudges home after the polls close.
"So, Marek, how many votes did you get?" asks his wife.
"Two," he responds.
She slaps him hard across the face.
"What was that for?"
"You have a mistress, now do you!!?"
Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)
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