Digest for Monday, March 06, 2000
There are 7 messages totalling 452 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Rules for Writers
- Oil Changing Instructions
- Giggles
- Humor - Weird Business News #24 (2nd of 3)
- For More Groaners
- Ethnic
- Unleash The Power of Shift!
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Date: Mon, 6 Mar 2000 13:07:57 +0200
From: Felix Chirciu <felix@ZIUA.RO>
Subject: Rules for Writers
(from the RedHat fortunes library)
Rules for Writers:
Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read. Don't use no double
negatives. Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is
appropriate; and never where it isn't. Reserve the apostrophe for it's
proper use and omit it when its not needed. No sentence fragments. Avoid
commas, that are unnecessary. Eschew dialect, irregardless. And don't
start a sentence with a conjunction. Hyphenate between sy-llables and
avoid un-necessary hyphens. Write all adverbial forms correct. Don't use
contractions in formal writing. Writing carefully, dangling participles
must be avoided. It is incumbent on us to avoid archaisms. Steer clear
of incorrect forms of verbs that have snuck in the language. Never, ever
use repetitive redundancies. If I've told you once, I've told you a
thousand times, resist hyperbole. Also, avoid awkward or affected
alliteration. Don't string too many prepositional phrases together unless
you are walking through the valley of the shadow of death. "Avoid overuse
of 'quotation "marks."'"
Felix
-----------
"Shhhh... Be vewy, vewy quiet! I'm hunting wabbits."
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Date: Mon, 6 Mar 2000 06:53:11 -0500
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Oil Changing Instructions
WOMEN
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the
last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
maintained vehicle.
MEN
1. Go to auto parts store and write a check for 50 dollars for
oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and
scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of
taking back to auto parts store to recycle, dump in hole in
back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in
process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist
it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Decide to finish oil
change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during
step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean
oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh
oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss
December 1992.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands.
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to
fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Drive car
[Thanks to Mary Campbell]
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bssixteen/
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Date: Mon, 6 Mar 2000 07:12:28 -0500
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Giggles
Football Fans
Three football fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot
sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and
discovered a nude female dead. Out of respect and propriety, the
Seahawk's fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The
'Niners' fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast.
Following their lead, the Raider's fan took off his cap and placed it
over her crotch.
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his
inspection. First, he lifted up the Seahawk's cap, replaced it and wrote
down some notes. Next, he lifted the 'Niners' cap, replaced it and wrote
down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Raider's cap, replaced
it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and
replaced it one last time.
The Raider's fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a
pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and
looking? "Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised; normally when
I look under a Raider's hat, I find an asshole."
============================================================================
The Pope & The Mafia
The Roman Catholic church is in trouble and the Pope goes to the Mafia
for a loan. However, before they'll make the loan the Godfather demands
the Pope do something shocking so they'll have some leverage against him
later.
The Godfather tells him he must make love to a woman while witnesses
watch. The Pope protests, but it's the only way he gets the money, so he
relents, with three conditions. The Pope says, "First dis'a woman she
gotta be blind so she can no see who is defiling her body."
"Okay, done." says the Godfather.
"Number two," says the Pope, "she gotta be deaf so she can's no hear what
is goin' on."
The Godfather agrees and asks, "And number three?" The Pope grins and
says, "She gotta hav'a big jugs!"
------------------------------
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Date: Mon, 6 Mar 2000 10:09:42 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #24 (2nd of 3)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Breast enlargement ad is no bust.
A reader (name omitted to protect the guilty) reported that he recently
bought an Ultratech watch manufactured by the Advance Watch Co. for $6.99
that offered a lifetime limited warranty. All you had to do was send it
back to the factory, along with $5.95 for shipping and handling.
Our Tasteful Advertising Award to a company called Erdic, which pitched:
"The all-natural breast enhancement tablet is now more affordable than ever
and just in time to give your sweetheart more than just a Valentine."
The No Animals Will Be Harmed in the Making of This Mutual Fund Award to
Salomon Brothers Asset Management, which -- in cooperation with the Humane
Society of the United States -- has launched the Humane Equity Fund.
The Now That's a Layover Award to Yab Yum, a bordello in Amsterdam, the
Netherlands, which is suing Schiphol Airport for refusing to let Yab Yum
open a "relax service" for weary travelers at the airport.
The They Still Don't Get It Award to DuPont, which announced that it had
settled a sex discrimination complaint by paying $456,678 to 31 women who
had been denied employment at its plant that produces "man-made fibers."
The things you might never know if you didn't read this column. The most
forgotten item by travelers is their toothbrush.
The Thank Heavens for Plaintiff Lawyers Award to John Tepper Marlin, chief
economist in the New York City Comptroller's office, who sued New Line
Cinema over its movie Boiler Room. Marlin maintained that the company
defamed him by naming the sleazy brokerage firm in the film J.T. Marlin. It
was written and directed by Ben Younger, who worked for Marlin from 1994 to
1995. The movie company and Marlin have since arrived at a confidential
settlement of the suit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Date: Mon, 6 Mar 2000 00:34:58 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: For More Groaners
The Sorceress
A oracle and a sorceress both lived in a Middle East country.
While the sorceress claimed great powers, she was never able to
demonstrate them. Because of this, the soothsayer constantly ridiculed
her in public. This caused her reputation to suffer and she lived in
poverty because she could make no money from her unique talent.
Then, one day, the seer ridiculed her in a particularly vicious way.
Thoroughly incensed, the sorceress hurled a curse at him. Instantly, he
became a large seagull.
Remarked a bystander, "That's the first time she's ever been able to
tern a prophet!"
The Haunted Castle
An intrepid photographer went to a haunted castle determined to
get a
picture of a ghost which was said to appear only once in a hundred
years.
Not wanting to frighten off the ghost, the photographer sat in
the dark
until midnight when the apparition became visible.
The ghost turned out to be friendly and consented to pose for one
snapshot. The happy photographer popped a bulb into his camera and took
the picture.
After dashing into his studio, the photographer developed the negative
and groaned. It was underexposed and completely blank.
Moral: The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.
The Judge
When Dan was appointed to the Superior Court it was generally believed
that he would be a strict law and order judge, one willing to use the
three strikes law to keep repeat offenders off the street. But it didn’t
work out that way, Judge D. finding any means possible to give a
convicted felon the minimum prison time possible.
When the time came for re-election, the judge found himself in a heated
battle with a former prosecutor. In a debate before much of the local
citizenry, he was asked by his challenger , “How can you justify your
unwillingness to use the three strikes law.”
Dan answered immediately, “I refuse to pronounce a long sentence
because it is beyond my jury’s diction.” (By Stan Kegel)
The Drive-In Movie
I was a teenager, I used to take my girlfriend to a drive-in movie
theater. When the lights went down, it seemed like there were couples
from one end of that big parking lot to the other, engaged in very heavy
petting in their autos. It was so heavy that you could hear people all
over, wailing and moaning with pleasure. That drive-in was quite
exceptional, in that it had what only the more upscale walk-in theaters
have: wail to wail car petting. (By Dave Coble)
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Date: Mon, 6 Mar 2000 07:35:54 -0500
From: Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Ethnic <adult, off.>
Q: How does every ethnic joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.
----------------------------
Q: How does a Jewish wife cheat on her husband?
A: She has a headache with the milkman.
----------------------------
A patron ordered a Manhattan. When served, there was a dead fly
and a piece of parsley floating in the glass.
"What in the world is this?" asked the man.
The bartender replied, "A Central Park."
----------------------------
Lenin is dying, and talking things over with Stalin, his successor.
"The one worry I have," says Lenin, "is this... will the people follow you?
What do you think, comrade Stalin?"
"They will," says Stalin, "they surely will."
"I hope so," says Lenin, "but what if they don't follow you?"
"No problem," says Stalin. "Then they'll follow you."
----------------------------
An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand,
when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer
goin' at it with a sheep.
The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence
and walks over to the farmer. He taps him on the shoulder and says,
"You know mate, back home, we shear those!"
The New Zealander looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody
SHEARING this with no one!
----------------------------
Q: Why do they make white chocolate?
A: So the black kids can have dirty faces too.
----------------------------
The difference between America and England is that Americans think
100 years is a long time, while the English think 100 miles is a long way.
-- Earle Hitchner
----------------------------
The two partners are able to have lunch together for the first time in months.
They're enjoying their pastrami-on-rye's together when suddenly, one of
them yells: "Oy! I forgot to lock the safe!"
"So what?" replied the other. "We're both here."
----------------------------
The Polish Mafia is at it again in Chicago. They just found two more
victims with their heads tied together. They were shot in the hands.
----------------------------
England has had serious problems maintaining security around
Princess Di's gravesite due to the volume of visitors, so they've
installed a new, "passive" security system... landmines.
----------------------------
Q: How do Jewish wives prepare their children for supper?
A: They put them in the car .
----------------------------
[from CoFD]
<jpm> Sheep are sluts: they will fuck anyone, even Welshmen.
<vs> That's what the Welshmen would have you believe. Try
asking the sheep.
----------------------------
A Russian asks an Englishman, "Why isn't there any Anti-Semitism in
your country?"
To which, the Englishman replies, "Because we don't think Jews are
smarter than we."
***********************
Sex in France is a comedy, in England a tragedy, in America
a melodrama, in Germany a philosophy, in Italy an opera.
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Date: Tue, 7 Mar 2000 09:33:24 +0530
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Unleash The Power of Shift! <clean>
The Shiftkey FAQ - Version 0.001
by Alan Meiss
Q. My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real*
shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to
point them out?
A. Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look
up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and
quit staring at your fingers.
Q. What happens if I press both shift keys?
A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this
feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause
Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing
something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's
Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139.95. Or you might not,
it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you.
q. my religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital
letters and punctuation
A. Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual advisor.
Perhaps your deity would not be angered by repeated use of the Caps Lock
key, or maybe you can retain a consultant to depress the shift for you. You
might also consider replacing punctuation marks that require the use of
shift keys with lower case expressions; replace ? with "huh" and ! with
"zowie".
Q> I PRESSED SHIFT AND IT"S STUCK DOWN NOW>
A. Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your keyboard
frequently? If so, you may want to clean it off for more reliable
operation. First, disconnect your keyboard by gripping each of its ends
firmly and pulling as hard as you can. Next, immerse the keyboard in warm
water and scrub thoroughly with your favorite lemon-scented detergent and
lots of steel wool. Finally, you need to dry the keyboard. Either dry it to
touch with a handheld blowdryer, or place it it the dryer for not less than
60 minutes. Be sure to clean the lint screen when you are finished.
Q. Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there are two keys
labelled "hif"?
A. Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing your
hands more frequently for that matter.
Q. Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?
A. Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be labelled
with an excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use shift,
and be thankful you're using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with
all them confusin' words 'n stuff on it.
Q. I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters.
Is there any other way to do this?
A. This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate
the shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether
your computer is equippped with speech-recognition equipment by saying the
word "shift" very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the
keyboard closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may have
to repeat this action several times to "train" the computer to recognize
your voice before the feature works reliably.
Q. There are two shift keys, which should I use?
A. Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the
two. Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal
amounts. Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use
this to make little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift.
Remember, it's better to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken
shift key.
Q. Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?
A. They aren't. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon
appears much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look
larger because of their proximity to other keys. To verify this, go out in
a large field at night with your keyboard, place it in an upright position,
and view it from a distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look
the same size!
Q. If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will my
computer explode?
A. No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or vt100
terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don't worry about
it. Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along, next question.
Q. No matter what I do, the shift key just doesn't seem to work. What's
wrong?
A. Have you ever considered that the problem may not be your keyboard, the
problem may be YOU? Perhaps God Himself has suspended the operation of
these keys to send you a Message that you have strayed from the path of
righteousness. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your life. Before
rushing blindly ahead with a lot of shifting, consult the spiritual advisor
of your choice for help in dealing with any unresolved issues in your
relationship with the Almighty.
Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)
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