Digest for Tuesday, March 07, 2000
There are 7 messages totalling 541 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Drug Trial
- White Wedding (off. to women)
- Humor - Weird Business News #24 (3rd of 3)
- Off-Duty with The Old Perfesser
- is your computer possessed?!?!
- Steven Wright Thoughts
- How to frame your Rejection Letter
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Date: Tue, 7 Mar 2000 06:54:53 -0500
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Drug Trial
A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called
as a witness.
The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or
other drugs from the defendant?"
"No sir," answered the man.
"Did you ever get any from his wife?"
"No sir."
"Did you ever get any from his daughters?"
"Uh - excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we're still talking
about drugs here, right?"
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bssixteen/
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Date: Tue, 7 Mar 2000 06:58:45 -0500
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: White Wedding (off. to women)
A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with
the following question. "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother
looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride
is pure." The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with
his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?" The father looks at his
son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."
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Date: Tue, 7 Mar 2000 09:29:27 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #24 (3rd of 3)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Talk about a nicotine fit.
The Great Moments from the Public Relations Wire Award goes to the following
kill -- journalism-speak for an advisory saying a previous story should not be
used.
"K I L L K I L L K I L L -- Motherwear. We are advised by the company that
editors should disregard NEW007, Jury Commissioner Ignores State Law;
Forces Breastfeeding Mom Into Court, moved earlier today. Motherwear
reports that the case was dismissed."
And finally, it's the Weird Business News Blue Ribbon Award -- the marketing
ploy that best exemplifies what this monthly column on weird business is all
about.
To see why the Brown & Williamson Tobacco Corp. got the award, call it at
800-578-7453. Eventually, you'll encounter two guys who will never make the
Grammy Awards singing the following ditty:
"Oh, The tobacco plant is a lovely plant, its leaves so broad and green.
"But you shouldn't think about the tobacco plant if you're still a
teen.
Cause tobacco is a big person's plant, and that's the way it should it
be.
"So if you're under 21, go and climb a tree.
"The tobacco plant is a lovely plant. and that my friends is no yarn.
We let it ripen in the field and hang it in the barn."
Following which, we are told: "If you think that really sucks, we agree.
Write a better song about the tobacco plant and we'll use it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Date: Tue, 7 Mar 2000 11:25:22 -0500
From: Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Off-Duty with The Old Perfesser <adult, off. to T.O.P.'s family>
The old perfesser's family had a get-together last summer, and his daughter
was browsing through an old almanac she dug out of the attic.
She laughed at a little piece of trivia she had found in the book, which she
then
read aloud:
"Did you know that a woman's breasts increase in size by 25% during sex?"
Her husband, a notorious joker, shot back, "So, how come yours don't?"
The old perfesser, from behind his newspaper and without even a pause,
replied, "You're not pumping hard enough."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The (young) old perfesser decided one summer (before he was married)
that he was going to find out what all the fuss was about that "spring break"
thing, when all the fellers and gals'd go down to them Ft. Lauderdale beaches
in Florida, and come back with tales of "hot bunny lovin'."
Now, the (young) old perfesser wasn't exactly sure he knew what they were
talking about... he was still quite the hick then, almost an out-n-out
hillbilly...
Why, he'd even once claimed he knew *all* the words to that banjo pickin'
song his cousin had played in that movie, "Deliverance".
Well anyways, he figgered he'd hit it while none of the collitch boys was there,
so there'd be less competition. He got himself a summer job at one of them
Surfer Shops that sells all kinds of stuff for swimming and surfing and most
everything in-between.
One summer day he was working away when a rather attractive girl bounced
in, and asked him if they sold bikinis.
"Yep, over there," pointed the (young) old perfesser, and she went over and
checked them out for a minute.
"Excuse me, do you have g-string bikinis?"
"Uh huh, down the end," he replied.
"Can I try it on?"
"Changin' room's across on the right," says he.
She goes in, and it's important to note that the changing room door is not
visible
from the counter where the (young) old perfesser was standing.
"Excuse me," comes her voice, "can you come here?"
The (young) old perfesser hears, and off he goes to see what the problem is.
The other 'dude' in the shop is at this stage justifiably interested in the
proceedings,
and since he can't see into the changing room from the counter, he instead
watches
the (young) old perfesser.
The (young) old perfesser looks into the changing room, looks down and his face
turns beet red.
"Whaddya think?" she asks.
"Miss, I think you have it on backwards," he finally managed to croak out.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The old perfesser and Jud are the proverbial "pair that beats a full house."
They've been friends since their young perfesserin' days, and surprisingly,
they're a nationally ranked britch partner team.
But one day, Jud up and moved away. Now, they don't see each other all
that often, and with their advanced age, their relationship is limited now to
just playing cards, playing jokes on each other, remembering "the good
old days" and making bets.
One day the old perfesser calls Jud and says, "I bet you that mine is longer
soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars."
Jud replies, "How can that be? If you know anything at all about biology
and human anatomy..."
The old perfesser interrupts him. "I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine is
longer soft than yours is hard... A thousand dollars... YES OR NO?"
Jud, being sharp as a popsicle stick even at his advanced age, says,
"OK, OK! I'll take that bet. How long is yours soft?"
The old perfesser answers, "Eleven years..."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Old and MrsPerfesser are playing in the annual Valdosta Charity Golf
Tournament. They've done pretty well, considering he can't see anything
below his stomach, and she's walking with a cast.
They've made it through all the challenges, and are playing the final play-off
hole... it's down to a bitty little 4 inch putt that MrsPerfesser has to make.
She
takes her stance and the old perfesser can see her trembling. She putts, and
misses, and they lose the match.
On the way home in the car, the old perfesser is fuming...
"I cannot believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my dick!"
he spouted.
MrsPerfesser just looked over at her husband, smiled in that sardonic way she
has, and said, "Yes dear, but it was *much* harder!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
"I'm ashamed of the way we live," the young MrsPerfesser said to her lazy
husband when he refused to find a *real* job.
"My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our
clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed!"
The old perfesser rolled over on the couch.
"You *should* be ashamed," he agreed. "Those two worthless brothers of
yours never give us a cent!"
********************
To the scientist developing the passion pill:
Hurry, I'm already 57 years old!
-- The Old Perfesser
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Date: Tue, 7 Mar 2000 14:07:23 -0500
From: Musat, Bob <Bob.Musat@TRI-C.CC.OH.US>
Subject: is your computer possessed?!?!
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Content-Type: text/plain
Is Your Computer Possessed by a Demon?
SAVANNAH, Ga. -- Your computer may be possessed by a demon, a leading
minister warns.
"While the Computer Age has ushered in many advances, it has also opened
yet another door through which Lucifer and his minions can enter and corrupt
men's souls," said the Reverend Jim Peasboro, author of an upcoming book,
The Devil in the Machine.
Demons are able to possess anything with a brain, from a chicken to a
human being. And today's thinking machines have enough space on their hard
drives to accommodate Satan or his pals.
"Any PC built after 1985 has the storage capacity to house an evil
spirit," the minister confirmed.
The Savannah clergyman says he became aware of the problem from
counseling churchgoers.
"I learned that many members of my congregation became in touch with a
dark force whenever they used their computers," he said. "Decent, happily
married family men were drawn irresistibly to pornographic websites and
forced to witness unspeakable abominations.
"Housewives who had never expressed an impure thought were entering
Internet chat rooms and found themselves spewing foul, debasing language
they would never use normally.
"One woman wept as she confessed to me, 'I feel when I'm on the computer
as if someone else or something else just takes over.' "
The minister said he probed one such case, actually logging onto the
parishioner's computer himself. To his surprise, an artificial-intelligence
program fired up -- without him clicking it on. "The program began talking
directly to me, openly mocked me," he recalls. "It typed out, 'Preacher, you
are a weakling and your God is a damn liar.' "
Then the device went haywire and started printing out what looked like
gobbledygook.
"I later had an expert in dead languages examine the text," the minister
said. "It turned out to be a stream of obscenities written in a
2,800-year-old Mesopotamian dialect!"
Since, then, Rev. Peasboro has researched the problem further and
uncovered alarming facts.
"I learned most of the youths involved in school shootings like the
tragedy at Columbine were computer buffs," he said. "I have no doubt that
computer demons exerted an influence on them."
The minister estimates that one in 10 computers in America now houses
some type of evil spirit.
Rev. Peasboro advises that if you suspect your computer is possessed, you
consult a clergyman or, if the computer is still under warranty, take it in
for servicing. He says, "Technicians can replace the hard drive and
reinstall the software, getting rid of the wicked spirit permanently."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
This material is copyright 2000 by the Weekly World News and may not be
reproduced without the written approval of the Weekly World News.
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Web site at http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/
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<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 3.2//EN">
<HTML>
<HEAD>
<META HTTP-EQUIV=3D"Content-Type" CONTENT=3D"text/html; =
charset=3Dus-ascii">
<META NAME=3D"Generator" CONTENT=3D"MS Exchange Server version =
5.5.2651.67">
<TITLE>is your computer possessed?!?!</TITLE>
</HEAD>
<BODY>
<P><FONT SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Comic Sans MS"> Is Your Computer =
Possessed by a Demon? </FONT>
</P>
<P><FONT SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Comic Sans MS"> SAVANNAH, Ga. -- =
Your computer may be possessed by a demon, a leading minister =
warns.</FONT>
</P>
<P><FONT SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Comic Sans MS"> "While the =
Computer Age has ushered in many advances, it has also opened yet =
another door through which Lucifer and his minions can enter and =
corrupt men's souls," said the Reverend Jim Peasboro, author of an =
upcoming book, The Devil in the Machine.</FONT></P>
<P><FONT SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Comic Sans MS"> Demons are able =
to possess anything with a brain, from a chicken to a human being. And =
today's thinking machines have enough space on their hard drives to =
accommodate Satan or his pals.</FONT></P>
<P><FONT SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Comic Sans MS"> "Any PC =
built after 1985 has the storage capacity to house an evil =
spirit," the minister confirmed.</FONT>
</P>
<P><FONT SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Comic Sans MS"> The Savannah =
clergyman says he became aware of the problem from counseling =
churchgoers.</FONT>
</P>
<P><FONT SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Comic Sans MS"> "I learned =
that many members of my congregation became in touch with a dark force =
whenever they used their computers," he said. "Decent, =
happily married family men were drawn irresistibly to pornographic =
websites and forced to witness unspeakable abominations.</FONT></P>
<P><FONT SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Comic Sans MS"> "Housewives =
who had never expressed an impure thought were entering Internet chat =
rooms and found themselves spewing foul, debasing language they would =
never use normally.</FONT></P>
<P><FONT SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Comic Sans MS"> "One woman =
wept as she confessed to me, 'I feel when I'm on the computer as if =
someone else or something else just takes over.' "</FONT></P>
<P><FONT SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Comic Sans MS"> The minister said =
he probed one such case, actually logging onto the parishioner's =
computer himself. To his surprise, an artificial-intelligence program =
fired up -- without him clicking it on. "The program began talking =
directly to me, openly mocked me," he recalls. "It typed out, =
'Preacher, you are a weakling and your God is a damn liar.' =
"</FONT></P>
<P><FONT SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Comic Sans MS"> Then the device =
went haywire and started printing out what looked like =
gobbledygook.</FONT>
</P>
<P><FONT SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Comic Sans MS"> "I later had =
an expert in dead languages examine the text," the minister said. =
"It turned out to be a stream of obscenities written in a =
2,800-year-old Mesopotamian dialect!"</FONT></P>
<P><FONT SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Comic Sans MS"> Since, then, Rev. =
Peasboro has researched the problem further and uncovered alarming =
facts.</FONT>
</P>
<P><FONT SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Comic Sans MS"> "I learned =
most of the youths involved in school shootings like the tragedy at =
Columbine were computer buffs," he said. "I have no doubt =
that computer demons exerted an influence on them."</FONT></P>
<P><FONT SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Comic Sans MS"> The minister =
estimates that one in 10 computers in America now houses some type of =
evil spirit.</FONT>
</P>
<P><FONT SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Comic Sans MS"> Rev. Peasboro =
advises that if you suspect your computer is possessed, you consult a =
clergyman or, if the computer is still under warranty, take it in for =
servicing. He says, "Technicians can replace the hard drive =
and reinstall the software, getting rid of the wicked spirit =
permanently."</FONT></P>
<BR>
<P><FONT SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Comic Sans =
MS">--------------------------------------------------------------------=
--</FONT>
<BR><FONT SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Comic Sans MS">This material is copyright =
2000 by the Weekly World News and may not be reproduced without the =
written approval of the Weekly World News.</FONT></P>
<BR>
<BR>
<P><FONT SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Comic Sans MS">To view the HTML version, just =
go to this URL:<U> </U></FONT><U><FONT COLOR=3D"#0000FF" SIZE=3D2 =
FACE=3D"Comic Sans MS"><A =
HREF=3D"http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/stories/1745.html" =
TARGET=3D"_blank">http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/stories/1745.html</A></=
FONT></U><FONT SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Comic Sans MS"> or just go to their =
main Web site at</FONT><U> <FONT COLOR=3D"#0000FF" SIZE=3D2 =
FACE=3D"Comic Sans MS"><A HREF=3D"http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/" =
TARGET=3D"_blank">http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/</A></FONT></U></P>
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Date: Tue, 7 Mar 2000 16:43:35 -0600
From: Randall Woodman <rwoodman@HOME.COM>
Subject: Steven Wright Thoughts
From: "Vernon, Deanna (Dallas)" <DVernon@sfdrill.com>
SOME STEVEN WRIGHT THOUGHTS
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station......
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with,
"Quit while you're ahead"?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer
cans.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as
they get older, then it dawned on me... they were cramming for their
finals.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and
forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen
could look for them while they delivered the mail?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
OTHERS here for?
Clones are people two.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he
still wrong?
Go ahead and take risks....just be sure that everything will turn out okay.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zig-zag?
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that
considered a hostage situation?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out its nose?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone.
I said, "The whole time."
So what's the speed of dark?
How come you don't ever hear about "gruntled" employees? And who has been
dissing them anyhow?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the
water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are
furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold
tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=- I don't do jogging; it makes my beer all foamy.
Get paid to surf the net. Join All Advantage.
Sign up today. http://www.alladvantage.com/home.asp?refid=IFI-810
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Date: Wed, 8 Mar 2000 09:41:30 +0530
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: How to frame your Rejection Letter <clean>
Dear Hiring Manager,
Thank you for your letter of March 1. After careful consideration, I
regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me
a position in your department.
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually
large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising
field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite your companies outstanding qualifications and previous experience
in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs
at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position in your department
this August.
I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.
Sincerely,
Interviewee
Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)
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