Digest for Saturday, April 01, 2000
There are 6 messages totalling 331 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Waiting for the bus (offensive to blondes)
- Be Careful What You Wish For
- Understanding Your Paycheck
- AS A BAT (aDULLt)
- Humour Banned on the Net
- A New Virus
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Date: Sat, 1 Apr 2000 07:24:31 -0500
From: Taylor, Chris <CTaylor@NRCAN.GC.CA>
Subject: Waiting for the bus (offensive to blondes)
A blonde was visiting Washington, DC. This was her first time to the city,
so she wanted to see the Capitol Building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find
it, so she asked a police officer for directions.
"Excuse me, officer," the blonde said, "how do I get to the Capitol
Building?"
The officer said, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll
take you right there."
The blonde thanked the officer and he drove off.
Three hours later the police officer came back to the same area, and sure
enough, the blonde was still waiting at the same bus stop.
The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the
Capitol Building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three
hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"
The blonde said, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus
just went by!"
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Date: Sat, 1 Apr 2000 08:25:06 -0500
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Be Careful What You Wish For
Dennis Rodman finds a bottle on the beach. He picks it up and suddenly a
female genie appears. "Master, I may grant you one wish", says the genie.
"Hey, bitch...don't you know who I am. I don't need no woman given' me
nuffin," yells Rodman. The genie pleads, "but master I must grant you a
wish or I will be returned to the bottle forever." Dennis thinks for a
moment...grumbles about the inconvenience and says, "Okay, okay...I wanna
wake up with three women in my bed in the morning." Giving the genie an
evil glare he says "Just do it, and leave me alone." The genie, who was
annoyed and hurt, says "So be it!" and disappears.
The next morning, Dennis wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tanya Harding and
Hillary Clinton. His penis is gone, his leg is broken and he has no
health insurance.
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Date: Sat, 1 Apr 2000 08:40:15 -0500
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Understanding Your Paycheck
Note: This is best viewed using a fixed font like Courier
Understanding Your Paycheck
Gross pay: $1,222.02
Deductions:
-----------
Income Tax: 244.40
Outgo Tax: 45.21
State Tax: 61.10
Interstate Tax: 5.89
County Tax: 6.11
City Tax: 12.22
Rural Tax: 4.44
Back Tax: 1.11
Front Tax: 1.16
Side Tax: 1.61
Up Tax: 2.22
Down Tax: 1.11
Tic-Tacs: 1.98
Thumbtacks: 3.93
Carpet Tacks: 0.98
Stadium Tax: 0.69
Flat Tax: 8.32
Surtax: 3.46
Ma'am Tax: 2.60
Parking Fee: 5.00
No Parking Fee: 10.00
F.I.C.A.: 81.88
T.G.I.F.: 9.95
Life Insurance: 5.85
Health Insurance: 16.23
Disability: 2.50
Ability: .25
Liability Insurance: 3.41
Dental Insurance: 4.50
Mental Insurance: 4.33
Reassurance: 0.11
Coffee: 6.85
Coffee Cups: 66.51
Calendar: 3.06
Floor Rental: 16.85
Chair Rental: 4.32
Desk Rental: 4.43
Union Dues: 5.85
Union Dont's: 3.77
Cash Advances: 0.69
Cash Retreats: 121.35
Overtime: 1.26
Undertime: 54.83
Eastern Time: 9.00
Central Time: 8.00
Mountain Time: 7.00
Pacific Time: 6.00
Grenwich Mean Time: 24.00
Bathroom Time: 6.05
Time Out: 12.21
Oxygen: 10.02
Water: 16.54
Electricity: 38.23
Heat: 51.42
Misc.: 144.38
Air Conditioning: 46.83
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Total, all Deductions $1,222.00
Take Home Pay: $0,000.02
And this is where the expression "just my 2 cents" came from.
[Thanks to Mary Campbell]
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
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Date: Sat, 1 Apr 2000 09:10:41 -0600
From: RANEBOUXshesaid <raneboux@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: AS A BAT (aDULLt)
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A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with
another man. "Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the
world."
"Yeah, it's easy for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you
came
home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?"
The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane and kick
his
seeing-eye dog in the ass."
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
~Just enjoy the Raneboux~
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
RANEBOUX
accept no other
xxxxxxxxxxx
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
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Date: Sat, 1 Apr 2000 11:07:56 -0500
From: Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Humour Banned on the Net
For immediate release
Washington D C
April 1
Today, the United States Congress passed new legislation related
to the CDA bill. Effective immediately, "no postings of a humorous or
amusing nature may be transmitted electronically via the Internet,
bulletin boards, FAX or any other means of electronic communications."
According to Congressional spokesperson Ima Dredge, "We have
confiscated names from so-called 'joke list maintainers' and those
who post alleged humorous material, or even read alleged humour on
Internet newsgroups." Ms. Dredge continued, "Idiotic humor has no
place in cyberspace; that is reserved for politicians in Washington.
Those clowns have the audacity to think they have some sort of right
to freedom of speech, without repercussions. The Internet must be
returned to the serious, listless place it once was. We have authorized
the military to hunt down and delete anyone who has posted or read
anything that might be considered funny."
It has been reported throughout the US that military special forces
squads have been conducting raids, dubbed 'Operation NoJoke,'
throughout the day. General Darth Slader, in charge of 'user delete'
operations, admitted, "Sure, I like a good belly-laugh as much as
the next guy, but Congress says it's illegal now when mixed with
computers. So, we've got a job to do." The General added, "This is
sure a hellofa lot easier than trying to take out guys with weapons.
Just a bunch of computer geeks; like shooting fish in a barrel.
We've developed 'Smart Oriented Bombs' (SOB) which can be sent
through e-mail to suspected jokers; got the idea from the Unabomber.
When they pick up their mail, their modem explodes, taking out the
system, and hopefully the user. Neat, clean and untraceable."
Local authorities have reported a rash of exploding computers and
military raids. It appears joke-list providers have been especially
hard hit, but more cases of average joke readers are beginning to
surface. Several renegade jokesters have moved underground and
been able to avoid the military slaughter. You may receive this notice
before it's too late.
DO NOT read any jokes from the Internet! If someone tries to tell
you a joke, just say NO. If someone asks you "Why did the chicken
cross the road?" reply that you don't know -- it's a trick question.
Delete any humorous material from your computer and backups.
Do not laugh, or even smile while sitting at your computer. Remember,
there may be an SOB with your name on it.
...[Transmission Interrupted]...
----------------------------------------
(from Humournet)
**************************
They laughed when I told them I wanted to be a comedian...
They're not laughing now!!!
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Date: Sat, 1 Apr 2000 10:26:21 -0600
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: A New Virus
HEALTH CONCERNS
CNN reports a new virus has been recently discovered. One person
can pass it on to millions as it is very contagious. The center for
disease control has reported this week that the virus spreads very
rapidly from one person to the next.
They have put a very interesting name on this virus.
It is called......
A SMILE
@@@@@
@@_ _@@
@@ O O @@
@@@ ^ @@@
@@@ \_/ @@@
) (
OH! OH! TOO LATE !!
I SEE IT ON YOUR FACE ALREADY!!
You've got the virus !!!
Have a great week end and pass it on
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