Digest for Sunday, April 02, 2000

There are 9 messages totalling 447 lines in this issue. 




Topics of the day:
  1. The Old Preacher
  2. Be Polite
  3. PASS-ASS-WORD (aDULLt)
  4. Weird Business News #25 (1st of 3)
  5. Celebrity License Plates
  6. Puns of the Weak: 3-31-00
  7. Profound Questions
  8. The Perfect Sex Manual
  9. Scavenger hunt 


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Date:    Sun, 2 Apr 2000 01:03:53 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The Old Preacher

 An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for
 his doctor and his lawyer, both church  members,
 to come to his home. When they arrived, they were
 ushered up to his bedroom.

 As they entered the room the preacher held out his
 hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each
 side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands,
 sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For
 a time, no one said anything. Both the doctor and
 lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would
 ask  them to be with him during his final moments.

 They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given
 them any indication that he particularly liked either
 of them. They both remembered his many long,
 uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness
 and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their
 seats.

 Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask us
 to come? The old preacher mustered up his  strength, then
 said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves.. and that's
 how I want to go."

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Date:    Sun, 2 Apr 2000 10:30:13 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Be Polite

There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one
named Sam.  It was that time of year to satisfy the local female
population, and young George was pretty excited.

"Sam, Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?" asked
George.

"George, relax. Here is how it works. We'll wait until they're
lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies
in a nice orderly fashion." said Sam.

"Okay, I can do that." George answered.

Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just
like Sam said and George was all excited to go down there, but
Sam had a few more instructions.

"Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I'll start at one
end and you can start at the other. We'll meet in the middle"
said Sam.

"OK, OK, let's go!" said George.

"Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember. These gals
will let us have our way but you have to show some respect and be
polite. OK?" said Sam.

"Sure" says George.

Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts
at one end and Sam at the other. George is pretty excited, but he
remember's Sam's instructions about being polite, so as he is
going along he makes sure to say "Thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am,
thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, sorry Sam,
thank you ma'am."

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Sun, 2 Apr 2000 10:09:33 -0500
From:    RANEBOUXshesaid <raneboux@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: PASS-ASS-WORD   (aDULLt)

This is a multi-part message in MIME format.

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I am reminded of a real life incident of about 10 years ago.

I was working in a wall street investment bank when someone from the
information technology group came by our office asking us to enter our
passwords in the new software system.

My colleague Barry with his usual rebellious attitude entered the password
"Penis".

We all fell on the floor with laugher when the computer replied:

*** PASSWORD REJECTED. TOO SHORT *****
===============

If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
  ~Just enjoy the Raneboux~
          xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
                  RANEBOUX
accept no other
             xxxxxxxxxxx
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/


           ^*^ http://www.geocities.com/raneboux_voodew/ ^*^



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Date:    Sun, 2 Apr 2000 12:24:30 -0500
From:    ken brousseau, sr <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Weird Business News #25 (1st of 3)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist Jim Barlow
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 April fool's day was yesterday. But that's no problem. In the business
world, you'll find those kinds of activities year-round. Want proof?
Stand by for another edition of Weird Business News.

 The Say What? Award this month goes to Just Group PLC, a British
entertainment company that makes and sells merchandise related to
children's television characters. Two of their products are those action

figures based on the TV Kid Vids Jellikins and Rugrats. Their next show?

Butt-Ugly Martians.

 The My Parents Didn't Know What I Was Up To Either Award to the parents

who answered a National School Boards Foundation survey. Most said they
trust their children not to look at inappropriate material on the
Internet.

 The Do It My Way -- Or Else -- Award to the California-based
human-rights group Global Exchange. It warned Starbucks, the coffee
chain, that it must either start selling coffee bought from small
growers in the tropics or face boycotts and  demonstrations.

 The What Do They Know That We Don't Know Award to Otis Elevator, the
company that makes the devices that spare us from puffing up the fire
stairs in tall buildings. The company's Houston office is in a one-story

building.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Date:    Sun, 2 Apr 2000 16:10:00 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Celebrity License Plates

 1HIT1DER -- Ricky Martin
 NU CLEVGE -- Britney Spears
 20K LAID -- Wilt Chamberlain
 JAILBTCH -- Robert Downey, Jr.
 HAD MILK -- Pamela Anderson Lee
 OUTOFST8 -- Hillary Rodham Clinton
 C MY BRA -- Brandi Chastain
 IM STR8 -- Tom Cruise
 K8ODIDIT -- O.J. Simpson
 PEN IS -- John Bobbitt
 VOAT4ME -- Dan Quayle



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Date:    Sun, 2 Apr 2000 18:21:24 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns of the Weak:  3-31-00

•When the judge napped in the park, his clerks were reluctant to
“approach the bench.”  (Jumble)
•Did you hear the one about the two mosquitos on Robinson Crusoe's
island? One says to the other, "I'm leaving now, but I'll see you on
Friday." (Alice Collins)
•Work in a warehouse is always shift work." (Pun of the Day)
*A man went into a restaurant and told the waitress, "I'd like the turtle
soup,  and make it snappy!" (Jim Ertner)
•A wheat farmer's work was always making his head hurt. He said, "These
are my grain headaches." (Cathleen Shoemaker)
•Contrary to popular belief, it wasn't the apple on the tree that got us
banished from Paradise. It was the pair on the ground. (J. McGowan)
•The local TV weatherman had to change jobs because the weather didn't
agree with him. (Andres George)
•In Africa, Watusi is watuget. (David Reihmer)
•You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy. (Ms Kitty)
•What do Viagra and Disneyland have in common? A one-hour wait for a
2-minute ride. (Bruce H. G. Calder)
•Man who masturbate into cash register, soon come into money (Fuhrman).
•Miniskirt: So little raised so high to reveal so much that needs cover
so  badly (Richard Lederer)
•A boxer who wants to get married has the ring to worry about. (Archives)
 •What author was a carpenter from Utah? Morman Nailer (S. Kegel)
•What do you call a peeping Tom? A window pain. (The Pun Page)
•Ever wonder if a guy who speculatively purchases real estate near a
proposed lake should be known as "Dam site bettor?" (Gary Hallock)
•There's still "incurable romantics." We need better antibiotics. (Aiken Drum)
•The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called
pre-Madonna. (GCFL)
•Sheer stockings, designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots
of women wear nothing else. (Richard Lederer)
•People who own large estates spend most of time minding manors. (Dano)
•Electrical Repair: Let us remove your shorts.  (Gr8 Humor)
•"I just returned from Japan," Tom said disorientedly. (Archives)
•Herbacide: Where the hillbilly wanted to be buried if his wife died
first. (Gary Hallock)
•Antagonize: A worried insect. (Dano)
•A toilet crane is a John Derik. (Richard Lederer)
•Laser surgery on the patella is done with knee-on lights. (Archives)
•Uranus is a planet that is the *butt* of a lot of jokes (Cynthia MacGregor)
•Now that Russia's Vladimir V. Putin has been elected President, how long
will it take for someone to razz Putin? (Dave Coble)
•I had an uncle who worked in ladies' lingerie.  Unfortunately he sold
sporting goods. (Becky Shiles)
•Travel broadens one, but so does sitting at home on the sofa. (Cyber 808)
•A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals. (GCFL)
•“I was going to tell you something, Mother, and now I completely forgot
what it was.” “It’s a sign of aging, son. You’ve hit mentalpause.”
•Pfizer is marketing Viagra in Milk Of Magnesia. That way they have you
coming and going at the same time. (Jokes-’n-Stuff)
•Pupkus: The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose
to it. (Rusty Human)
•A good band leader must always be in tune with what's happening in order
to be up-beat. (Archives)
•I understand the Italian government is considering installing a clock in
the Leaning Tower of Pisa. The reason? Well, what good is it if you have
the inclination, but you don't have the time? (Very Punny)
•The old golf course offered the players “links to the past.” (Jumble)
•What do you call coins collected from a pay toilet? Johnny Cash
(Richard Lederer)
•Leading medical authorities have published data that seder participants
should NOT partake of both chopped liver and charoses. It is indicated
that this combination can lead to Charoses of the Liver. (Ron Klar)
•What do you call a lazy skier? A slope poke! (Norman Gilbert)
•Did you hear about the shoemaker who lost his left hand: He was awl
right. (Clynch Varnadore)
•If a rabbit is raised indoors, it would be an ingrown hare. (Gill Krebs)
•My boy has just swallowed a roll of film. Let’s hope nothing develops. (Yasmine)
•Castronaut: Member of the Cuban space program (Matthew Goers)
•“It isn’t the cough, that carries you off, It’s the coffin that they
carry you off in.” (Archives)
•What's a mischievous egg called? A practical yolk. (The Daily Dose)
•Too many flying rodents living in the rabbit's burrow makes the Warren
Batty. (Gary Hallock)
•Undertakers usually have a grave attitude even if they are dying to get
your business. (Archives)
•Some animals are predators, while humans, especially when short in their
checking accounts, are postdators. (Cynthia MacGregor)
•I get cramps every time I enter the bathroom. I have John Payne. (Stan Kegel)
•A fine meal here won't cost you a nominal egg.  (Richard Lederer)
•The goat family sat down to a fine dinner using their Billy Crystal.
(Gary Hamrick)
•I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now (Wm. Rayburn)
•He likes my company, and I just love his. I think it's called the First
Fidelity Trust. (Gag-O-Matic)
•Two lovers who had been apart for some time were reunited on a foggy
day. One whispered to the other 'I mist you'. (Archives)

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Date:    Sun, 2 Apr 2000 22:15:50 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Profound Questions

 Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

 If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

 If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

 If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

 Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be
 wearing nightgowns?

 If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

 Why is it that when we bounce a check, the bank charges us more of
 what they already know we don't have any of?

 When someone asks you "a penny for your thoughts" and you put your
 two cents in what happens to the other penny?

 Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

 Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin
 with.

 When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

 If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you
 get a Phillips Screwdriver?

 Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person
 who drives a race car not called a racist?

 Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?

 Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month,
 orange, silver, or purple?

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Date:    Mon, 3 Apr 2000 09:49:30 +0530
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: The Perfect Sex Manual <adult>

Some time ago the British magazine `New Statesman' had a humour competition
in which readers were asked to come up with a letter complaining to the
publisher of a sex manual, "relating to serious injury sustained, damage
inflicted, or frustration experienced, after following the instructions
contained therein."

Peter Norman won 15 pounds for this:

Dear Sir,

One knows that publishing standards are declining, but I have never been so
shocked and appalled by the number of misprints in a single publication. I
refer, of course, to your "100 Easy Steps to Martial (sic) Satisfaction".
Some of the advice therein is rendered misleading, dangerous or even
illegal by such errors.

For instance, on page 212, one is enjoined to `carefully place a condor on
your penis...' Later, on the same page, we are told to `stroke the beast,
stimulating the erectile tissue at its tip', a course of action that I
fancy even trained falconers would eschew. Elsewhere, my partner actually
followed to the letter (pardon my little joke) the instructions to `fondle
your mans bills' (p39) and `give him a long, slow message' (p128), both of
which proved positively anaphrodisiac. And no one, surely, outside ancient
Carthage has `punic hair' (p56) or uses a `dido' (p337). In chapter 1, the
recommended `fissionary position' (p6) sounds a little explosive for
beginners...

Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)

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Date:    Mon, 3 Apr 2000 00:01:52 -0400
From:    Taylor, Chris <CTaylor@NRCAN.GC.CA>
Subject: Scavenger hunt

A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list.
"Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need
three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to
earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"

"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."

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