Digest for Tuesday, April 04, 2000
There are 13 messages totalling 622 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Top5 - 4/4/00 - More Rejected Childrens Books
- Jewish Country Western Songs
- In Court (off. to lawyers)
- Writings on Hospital charts
- The Peanut [Adult]
- Ills and Ailments of The Old Perfesser
- ird Busness News #25 (3rd of 3)
- I love you!
- blonde jokes
- Mathematical Humor
- Now THAT"S rich
- Cleo and the asp (pun)
- Ruminations for April 4, 2000
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Date: Tue, 4 Apr 2000 06:00:37 -0400
From: John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 4/4/00 - More Rejected Children's Books
==================================================================
T H E T O P F I V E L I S T
Just e-mail to you, but a reputation to us.
==================================================================
April 4, 2000
The Top 16 *Other* Rejected Children's Books
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]
16> Charlotte's Website
15> The Cat That Shat in the Hat: A Kid's Guide to Scatology
14> Chicken Soup for the Kitchen Floor
13> Jacking and Jilling: The Dummy's Guide to Masturbation
12> What The Hell Is Mommy's Problem, Anyway?
11> The Mouse, the Motorcycle, and the Organ Donor Card
10> You're Different -- And All the Other Kids Hate You!
9> The Big Book of Things to Put in Your Ear
8> How to Write With Your Wee-Wee
7> What's That Bag For, Grandpa?
6> Tobacco Man vs. the FDA Gang
5> What Lucy Needs is Some Hot Monkey Love, Charlie Brown
4> Harry Potter and the Allegations of Plagiarism
3> Everything I Ever Needed to Know I Learned in
Ms. LeTourneau's Class
2> Horton Hires A Ho
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Other Rejected Children's Book...
1> Where the Curly Red Fur Grows
==================================================================
Rumination of the Day
I think the bible would be
more popular if only God had
kicked Satan's ass at the end.
(SkyWalker707)
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Date: Tue, 4 Apr 2000 06:44:25 -0400
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Jewish Country Western Songs
1. "I Was One of the Chosen People ('Til She Chose Somebody
Else)"
2. "Honkey Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights"
3. "I've Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You?"
4. "My Rowdy Friend Elijah's Comin' Over Tonight"
5. "New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament"
6. "Stand by Your Mensch"
7. "Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes"
8. "I Balanced Your Books, but You're Breaking My Heart"
9. "My Darlin's a Schmendrick and I'm All Verklempt"
10. "That Shiksa Done Made off with My Heart Like a Goniff"
11. "The Second Time She Said 'Shalom', I Knew She Meant 'Goodbye'"
12. "You're the Lox My Bagel's Been Missin'"
13. "You've Been Talkin' Hebrew in Your Sleep Since that Rabbi
Came to Town"
15. "Mamas Don't Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys
(When They Could Very Easily Have Just Taken Over the Family
Hardware Business that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to
Start and My Father Sweated Over for Years Which Apparently
Doesn't Mean Anything Now That You're Turning Your Back on
Such a Gift)"
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
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Date: Tue, 4 Apr 2000 06:57:14 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: In Court (off. to lawyers)
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony
trial - it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description
of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.
Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a
locker room in the police station - a room where you change your
clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your
life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you
share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex and sometimes
lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter and a prompt recess was
called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best
come-back" line and we think he'll win.
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Date: Tue, 4 Apr 2000 13:07:54 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Writings on Hospital charts <clean-ish>
Actual writings on hospital charts ("Actual"? Mmmm...)
She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she
was very hot in bed last night
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it
disappeared
The patient is tearful and crying constsntly. She also appears to be
depressed
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in
1993
Discharge status: Alive but without my permission
Healthy appearing decrepit 68 year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful
The patient refused autopsy
The patient has no previous history of suicides
Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital
Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
only a 40 pound weight gain in the last 3 days
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch
She is numb from her toes down
While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home
The skin was moist and dry
Occasional,constant infrequent headaches
Patient was alert and unresponsive
Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until
she got a divorce
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation
Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job
as a stockbroker instead.
Skin: somewhat pale but present.
The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr Blank, who felt we should
sit on the abdomen and I agree
Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
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Date: Tue, 4 Apr 2000 07:19:00 -0600
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The Peanut [Adult]
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the
middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he
turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and
tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they
became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home
with her date. After being informed of the problem, their
daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man
told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the
father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and
daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that
it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the
kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said,
"That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's
going to be when he grows older?"
The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers,... I think
he'll be our son in-law!"
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Date: Tue, 4 Apr 2000 08:50:35 -0400
From: Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Ills and Ailments of The Old Perfesser <adult>
The old perfesser had just undergone prostate surgery, and a co-worker's
wife is a sales rep for Pfiser, the makers of Viagra. Always being one to
make a fast buck, the co-worker decided to try and sell some Viagra
samples he had "borrowed" from his wife.
"Hey, Perfesser!" he called.
"What's up?" the old perfesser answered as he came over.
"I've got some Viagra.... want to buy some for $15 a pill?"
"No, not worth it!" said the old perfesser.
"OK, how about $10 dollars a pill?"
"No, not worth it!"
"OK, $5?"
"No, not worth it!"
"How about $2?"
"No, not worth it!"
"Listen, these pills cost $10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?"
"Oh, the pills ARE worth it," said the old perfesser. "It's the Missus I'm not
too sure about..."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The old perfesser goes to see a psychiatrist to complain about his
oversexed wife. T.O.P confides to the shrink, " MrsPerfesser will
stop at nothing to satisfy her lustful, kinky desires and bottomless
sexual cravings. What can I do?"
The psychiatrist says, "Please tell MrsPerfesser I'd like her to make
an appointment with me immediately."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
MrsPerfesser was having a medical problem - the old perfesser's
snoring. So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if
there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."
"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband,
but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments
of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."
"My goodness!" MrsPerfesser exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new
sports car!"
"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The old perfesser was feeling very ill and went to the doctor. The doc
examined him and backed away, saying, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but
you have an advanced case of highly infectious rabies. You must have
had it for some time. It will almost certainly be fatal."
"Could you give me a pen and paper?" asked the old perfesser.
"Do you want to write your will?"
"No, I want to make a list of all the people I want to bite," said T.O.P.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The old perfesser was having an annual physical. As the doctor
was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering,
"Uh oh!"
The old perfesser asked the doctor what the problem was.
"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you
smoke?"
"No," replied the old perfesser.
"Do you drink in excess?"
"No," replied the old perfesser again.
"Do you have a sex life?"
"As a matter of fact, I do!" said the old perfesser.
"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have
to give up half your sex life."
Looking perplexed, the old perfesser asked,
"Which half...the LOOKING or the THINKING???"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The old perfesser is in the Retard (sheesh.... there I go, using HIS accent)
Retired Perfesser's Home, playing checkers, hitchin' up his pants, drooling,
and remembering the good ol' days with his buddies.
One day, the *boys* started reminiscing about sex...
The old perfesser says, "I remember this here whoa-man. She was
ahhhh beauty! But, oh, she had a clitoris like a pickle!"
And Jud, his elderly sidekick, said, "What about her clitoris - so BIG?"
And the old perfesser shook his head back and forth for a few minutes,
pursed his lips and sighed... "No.... so SOUR!"
******************************
The Old Perfesser offers this sage advice on growing older:
1. Never trust a fart
2. Never pass a urinal
3. If it's hard, use it
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Date: Tue, 4 Apr 2000 12:11:36 -0500
From: ken brousseau, sr <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Weird Busness News #25 (3rd of 3)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist Jim Barlow
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The coveted Plain English Award to this news release headline: "BancTec
(R) unveils revolutionary new X-Series (TM) single-step reject repair
system building on the legacy of the Lunday Mae. New system improves
bank processing by applying a heatstrip, encoding and capturing the
image in a single pass."
The Wonderful World of Dot-Coms Award to the news that Talk Visual
Corp. had acquired Yak Communications.
Second place goes to the Web site selling German-handcrafted products
in the United States: www.crazycuckoo.com.
The Let's Build a Really Big Object and See if Anyone is Dumb Enough to
Write About It Award to www.4realmen.com of Austin. The object: the
eZlounger -- a 9-foot-high lounge chair with a yellow ottoman, a
larger-than-life blue television set, a green side table and two
basketball hoops.
The Grease is Grease Award to Steve Ferree, who purchased a Mr. Rooter
plumbing franchise after a 28-year-career with McDonald's Corp. How will
he translate hamburgers to successful drain cleaning? "When it comes to
franchising, it's all about maximizing proven systems," Ferree said.
The I Told You Anyone Could Write This Stuff Award to TLP, a Dallas
advertising agency, which announced that it has bought a computerized
software system called 600 Monkeys.
The Business Book Award to Swiss business executive Arne Klingenberg,
author of Yes, I am Happy Now. His next book? Could be This Job Doesn't
Suck at All.
The Let the Light Shine In Award to Tiffany stained glass expert
Alastair Duncan, who was sentenced to 27 months in prison after hiring a
grave robber to steal a Tiffany window
from a mausoleum.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Date: Tue, 4 Apr 2000 15:18:14 -0400
From: Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: I love you!
This message is in MIME format. The first part should be readable text,
while the remaining parts are likely unreadable without MIME-aware tools.
Send mail to mime@docserver.cac.washington.edu for more info.
------=_NextPart_000_0089_01BF9E47.6FCAEDE0
Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; CHARSET=iso-8859-1
Content-ID: <Pine.GSO.3.96.1000404151310.10488C@grits>
Pauly was having some marital difficulties and decided to talk
about it with his shrink. The shrink advised him to buy flowers and candy,
rush home to his wife, take her in his arms, remove her clothes, remove
his clothes, and make mad passionate love to her.
The next week, Pauly returned to the shrink's office and the
shrink asked him how his idea worked. "Well, my wife didn't say anything,
but her hand-painted china art group really got a big kick out of it."
------=_NextPart_000_0089_01BF9E47.6FCAEDE0--
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Date: Tue, 4 Apr 2000 14:54:22 -0700
From: Tony Blaha <tblaha@LSOL.NET>
Subject: blonde jokes
A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys
a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the
door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blond is angry, She
opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with
grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells "No,
honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."
---
There was a brunette standing along side a busy road chanting "88, 88, 88,
88..." until a blonde came up to her and said, "that looks like fun, can I
try?" The brunette said sure so the blonde chanted, "88, 88, 88, 88.."
"Well," said the brunette, "that is fun. But what is even more fun is if you
say it in the middle of the street" So the blonde said "OK" and stood in the
middle of the street. "88, 88, 88, 88-" BAM! she was run over by a car,
completely flattened. Along the side of the road, the brunette began to
chant, "89, 89, 89, 89...
---
Q. Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen?
A. That's the proper place to wash vegetables.
Q. What do you do if a blond throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q. How do you know when a Blond has been using a computer?
A. There is White-Out on the screen.
---
Tony Blaha
http://clipsarchive.cjb.net
Hundreds of sound clips! Over 39 megabytes! Updated weekly!
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Date: Tue, 4 Apr 2000 17:33:59 -0400
From: Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Mathematical Humor
With some notable exceptions, our HUMOR gang is a pretty erudite
bunch. I was reminded of this again when I referred to 7 as a
"perfect number" in a recent post.
Quicker than you could say Euler's Law I heard from Pat in
Chicago, USA. Pat informed me that 7 cannot be a perfect
number because a perfect number is one which is the sum
of its own factors. (Eg. 6 = 1+2+3, Proof that 1,2 and 3 are
factors of 6 is left as an exercise for the student.)
Anyhow, Pat also told me a great math joke:
****************************************************
The problem - There's a box with a hole at each end and there's a rabbit in the
box. The rabbit sticks his head out of the hole
in one end, and a minute later he sticks it out the other end.
Half a minute later, his head appears at the opposite end,
a fourth of a minute later it appears at the end
opposite to that one,
an eighth of a minute later...etc., etc.
How long will it take before the rabbit sticks its head out
of both ends of the box at the same time?
>
>
>
>
>
>
In theory, two minutes. In practice, no answer is possible
unless you split hares. :-)
*************************************************************
Shucks, I humbled by this display. Only math joke I know is:
What's purple and commutes?
>
>
An abelian grape.
Perhaps we need Pat on the poster's list. jhm
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Date: Tue, 4 Apr 2000 18:14:28 -0500
From: RANEBOUXshesaid <raneboux@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: Now THAT"S rich
Two boys were arguing about whose Dad was
richer
FIRST BOY: "My Father is so rich he's going
to buy the Pacific Ocean."
SECOND BOY: "So, if you don't shut up, I'll
tell my Father not to sell it."
000000000000000000000000
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
~Just enjoy the Raneboux~
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
^ updated ^
*~*!~*~*~*
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Date: Tue, 4 Apr 2000 16:56:47 -0700
From: Jack Kolb <kolb@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Cleo and the asp (pun)
[a truly worthy pun, if academic. From: *Classical Outlook* 66 (3), as
cited by Ernest Moncada <emonc@erols.com> on the CLASSICS list and slightly
adapted by JK]
Though Tiberius was wont to tease grammarians, this
group often represented a very valuable adjunct to court.
Witness Cleopatra who, as the Romans were breaking
down the doors, grabbed an uncooperative asp and pressed
it to her breast. But nothing she did could induce the asp
to bite her. In desperation, she cried out to those assembled,
"Can no one help me?"
Immediately a grammarian stepped forward and blew furiously
on the snake, which promptly bit the queen. As she
expired, she asked the grammarian how he had managed
such a change in the snake's temperament. "Elementary,
my dear Queen," he answered. "Everyone knows it takes
rough breathing to make an asp irate."
Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu
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Date: Wed, 5 Apr 2000 01:08:14 -0400
From: hawgasm <hawgasm@RICHMOND.INFI.NET>
Subject: Ruminations for April 4, 2000
-=++=-
e=mc2? Yeah, right, Einstein!
(Mystic Seven)
-=++=-
Sometimes, when I'm watching my three beautiful
children as they sleep, I feel a sense of awe at
how many sperm can fit through a pin hole in latex.
(Pam Pickard)
-=++=-
I was getting worried about Grandma. Her letters had grown
increasingly bizarre and disjointed over the previous months.
The lady at the nursing home eased my mind a great deal,
though, when she promised to wrestle the old bag's stamps away.
(Don Swain)
http://dailysmear.com
-=++=-
I think the bible would be
more popular if only God had
kicked Satan's ass at the end.
(SkyWalker707)
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