Digest for Wednesday, April 05, 2000
There are 7 messages totalling 379 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- The ranch
- Communication Problems
- ETHNIC
- Fun with Math
- bathroom joke
- Cat Bathing...A Martial Art
- DUH!!
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Date: Wed, 5 Apr 2000 04:34:57 -0600
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The ranch
The Easterner had always dreamed of owning his own cattle ranch, and finally
made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams in Wyoming.
"So, what did you name the ranch?" asked his best friend when he flew out to
visit.
"We had a heck of a time," admitted the new cowboy. "Couldn't agree on
anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7
Lucky Diamond Ranch."
"Wow!" his friend was impressed. "So, where are all your cows?"
"None of 'em survived the branding."
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Date: Wed, 5 Apr 2000 06:45:35 -0400
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Communication Problems
A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty
communicating with pharmacist and cannot see condoms on the shelf.
Frustrated, the deaf mute finally unzips his pants, places his
penis on the counter and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.
The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf mute
and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket.
Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly
in sign language.
"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you
shouldn't bet."
[Thanks to Daryl Hillen]
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
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Date: Wed, 5 Apr 2000 07:44:33 -0400
From: Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: ETHNIC <adult, off.>
Q: Perhaps you've heard about the Irish abortion clinic?
A: It has a 12 month waiting list.
+-- == -- == -- == -- == -- == -- == --+
Did you hear about the new Jewish American Princess horror film?
It's called Debbie Does Dishes.
+-- == -- == -- == -- == -- == -- == --+
Q: Why do mexicans have noses?
A: So they'll have something to pick in the winter.
+-- == -- == -- == -- == -- == -- == --+
Most Australians aren't too good at history.
For example, they think Gandhi's first name was Goosey Goosey.
+-- == -- == -- == -- == -- == -- == --+
An Irishman goes into a pub in London with a little man, 6 inches tall,
in his shirt pocket. He says to the barman, "I'd like a pint of Guinness
for meself and a thimble of Guinness for me friend."
The barman says, "Cor blimey, what've you got there, Paddy? Is it a
little Irish leprechaun?"
Paddy answers, "No, it's an Englishman with the shit kicked out of him."
+-- == -- == -- == -- == -- == -- == --+
Q: What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
A: "Is ANYTHING all right?"
+-- == -- == -- == -- == -- == -- == --+
A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along
came Murphy. The boss thought "I'm not hiring that lazy Irishman," so
he decided to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn't be able to
answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without
getting into an argument.
The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
Murphy says, "Dat s easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.
The boss says,"What the hell's that?"
Murphy says "Tree 'n tree n' tree makes nine".
"Fair enough," says the boss.
"Second question, same rules, but represent 99."
Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.
"Der ya go, sir" he says.
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to
represent 99?"
Murphy says "Each tree's dirty now! So it's dirty tree, n'dirty tree n' dirty
tree,
dats 99."
The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says
"All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the number 100".
Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, "Got it!" he makes
a little mark at the base of each tree, and says "There ya go sir 100."
The boss looks at Murphy's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time."
He says, "Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents
a hundred."
Murphy leans forward, points to the marks at the tree bases, and says,
"A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now you've got
dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, an' dirty tree an' a turd, which
makes one hundred, when do I start me job?"
+-- == -- == -- == -- == -- == -- == --+
A Polish surgeon has just been admitted to the 'Guiness Book of Records'.
He was the first medical man to separate a Siamese cat.
*****************************
A Canadian is somebody who knows how to make love in a canoe.
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Date: Wed, 5 Apr 2000 13:29:55 -0400
From: Patrick Ash <pash@GRADIENT.CIS.UPENN.EDU>
Subject: Fun with Math
Following up on Jim Mica's assertion that he had not seen many math
related jokes, I submit the following.
A Contribution to the Mathematical Theory of Big Game Hunting
Problem: To Catch a Lion in the Sahara Desert.
1. Mathematical Methods
1.1 The Hilbert (axiomatic) method
We place a locked cage onto a given point in the desert. After that we
introduce the following logical system:
Axiom 1: The set of lions in the Sahara is not empty.
Axiom 2: If there exists a lion in the Sahara, then there exists a lion in
the cage.
Procedure: If P is a theorem, and if the following is holds:
"P implies Q", then Q is a theorem.
Theorem 1: There exists a lion in the cage.
1.2 The geometrical inversion method
We place a spherical cage in the desert, enter it and lock it from inside. We
then performe an inversion with respect to the cage. Then the lion is inside
the cage, and we are outside.
1.3 The projective geometry method
Without loss of generality we can view the desert as a plane surface. We
project the surface onto a line and afterwards the line onto an interiour point
of the cage. Thereby the lion is mapped onto that same point.
1.4 The Bolzano-Weierstrass method
Divide the desert by a line running from north to south. The lion is then
either in the eastern or in the western part. Lets assume it is in the eastern
part. Divide this part by a line running from east to west. The lion is either
in the northern or in the southern part. Lets assume it is in the northern
part. We can continue this process arbitrarily and thereby constructing with
each step an increasingly narrow fence around the selected area. The diameter
of the chosen partitions converges to zero so that the lion is caged into a
fence of arbitrarily small diameter.
1.5 The set theoretical method
We observe that the desert is a separable space. It therefore contains an
enumerable dense set of points which constitutes a sequence with the lion as
its limit. We silently approach the lion in this sequence, carrying the proper
equipment with us.
1.6 The Peano method
In the usual way construct a curve containing every point in the desert. It has
been proven [1] that such a curve can be traversed in arbitrarily short time.
Now we traverse the curve, carrying a spear, in a time less than what it takes
the lion to move a distance equal to its own length.
1.7 A topological method
We observe that the lion possesses the topological gender of a torus. We embed
the desert in a four dimensional space. Then it is possible to apply a
deformation [2] of such a kind that the lion when returning to the three
dimensional space is all tied up in itself. It is then completely helpless.
1.8 The Cauchy method
We examine a lion-valued function f(z). Be \zeta the cage. Consider the integral
1 [ f(z)
------- I --------- dz
2 \pi i ] z - \zeta
C
where C represents the boundary of the desert. Its value is f(zeta), i.e. there
is a lion in the cage [3].
1.9 The Wiener-Tauber method
We obtain a tame lion, L_0, from the class L(-\infinity,\infinity), whose
fourier transform vanishes nowhere. We put this lion somewhere in the desert.
L_0 then converges toward our cage. According to the general Wiener-Tauner
theorem [4] every other lion L will converge toward the same cage.
(Alternatively we can approximate L arbitrarily close by translating L_0
through the desert [5].)
2 Theoretical Physics Methods
2.1 The Dirac method
We assert that wild lions can ipso facto not be observed in the Sahara desert.
Therefore, if there are any lions at all in the desert, they are tame. We leave
catching a tame lion as an exercise to the reader.
2.2 The Schroedinger method
At every instant there is a non-zero probability of the lion being in the cage.
Sit and wait.
2.3 The nuclear physics method
Insert a tame lion into the cage and apply a Majorana exchange operator [6] on
it and a wild lion.
As a variant let us assume that we would like to catch (for argument's sake) a
male lion. We insert a tame female lion into the cage and apply the Heisenberg
exchange operator [7], exchanging spins.
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Date: Wed, 5 Apr 2000 20:35:13 -0700
From: Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: bathroom joke
Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice dick."
Steven
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Date: Thu, 6 Apr 2000 10:06:22 +0530
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Cat Bathing...A Martial Art <clean>
Cat Bathing as a Martial Art
by Bud Herron
Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves
clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva
that works like New, Improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and
whisks it away.
I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind
believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the
kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that
cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.
The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look
squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and
announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."
When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice
you might consider as you place your feline friend under you arm and head
for the bathtub:
* Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of
concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize
on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him
in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small
bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend
that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors
as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will
not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain
quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
* Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin
from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how
to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into
high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army
helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.
* Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel
when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the
water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass
enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying
on your back in the water.
* Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to
simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice
your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a
rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking
part in a product- testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)
* Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a
single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub
enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and
squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds
of your life. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy
fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on
to him for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you have
him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo
and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the
water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is -- for
cats -- three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
* Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this
part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at
this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the
drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's
because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg.
You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and
wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top
of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to
shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the
water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach
down and dry the cat.
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He
will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot
of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic
and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As
a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure
you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now
he smells a lot better.
Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)
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Date: Thu, 6 Apr 2000 01:01:23 -0400
From: Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Re: DUH!!
Orange County Treasurer Robert Citron said that the reason his
investment decisions plunged the county into the biggest local-
government bankruptcy in history was the bad advice he had
received on interest rates from a psychic.
Lowell Altaver thought he saw a rat in his barn and fired his shotgun
at it. It turned out to be his wife's hat. Which she was wearing at
the time.
Jeffrey Poch and Heather M. Green thought they had figured out
the perfect crime. They wrote checks using disappearing ink. How
did police track the pair down? Poch's name was printed on the
checks.
@@@@@@@
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