Digest for Saturday, April 08, 2000
There are 7 messages totalling 307 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- A Middle Aged Woman
- Almost Tax Time!
- Safety First (offensive to blondes)
- This helps us understand
- Puns of the Weak: 4-7-00
- Duyas slogan
- Hi Tech Milking Machine [Adult]
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Date: Sat, 8 Apr 2000 04:44:15 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: A Middle Aged Woman
A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that
experience she sees God and ask if this is it. God says no and explains
that she has another 30 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to
just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast
augmentation, tummy tuck, etc.
She even has someone come in and change her hair colour. She figures
since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of
it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed
by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in front of God
and complains: "I thought you said I had another 30 years." God replies,
"I didn't recognize you."
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Date: Sat, 8 Apr 2000 06:27:45 -0400
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Almost Tax Time!
The following are recycled from a few years ago, but since it's getting
near tax time in the US, it seemed like a good time to trot therm back
out. :-)
Well, it's getting to be that time here in the good 'ol USA. Tax
Time! That time of year when every wage earner happily contributes their
share to help Uncle Sam. Well, maybe not every citizen, and since some of
you have found ways to avoid carrying your share of the load, we, your
government, have found it necessary to impose 2 new taxes. Everyone must
pay one or the other, no exceptions. They are (with supporting rationale
included) as follows:
One of the few things the IRS has not taxed is the penis. This is due to the
fact that:
40% of the time, it's hanging around unemployed,
30% of the time, it's pissed off,
20% of the time, it's hard up,
10% of the time, it is in the hole.
On top of all this, it has three dependents, two of whom are nuts, and
one is an asshole.
Accordingly, starting January 1, 1999, all penises became subject to
taxation according to size. Reporting begins with your 2000 filing.
1040 P Standard Penis Tax Form
To determine the category, please consult the chart below and confirm
this information of Page 2, Section 7, Line 3, of the standard 1040P
form.
10 to 12 Inches* Luxury Tax $50.00
8 to 10 inches Pole Tax $30.00
6 to 8 inches Privilege Tax $15.00
4 to 6 inches Nuisance Tax $ 5.00
PLEASE NOTE: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT REQUEST AN EXTENSION!!!
* Males exceeding 12 inches must file Capital Gains.
Sincerely,
Pecker Checker,
Internal Revenue Service
And, since the IRS has decided to tax men's penises, it only follows
that women shouldn't be left out. So we have decided that a Breast
Tax is in order.
1040 B Standard Breasts Tax Form
Please refer to the chart below for your tax computation:
AA cup Flat rate $ 5.00
A cup Slight rise $10.00
B cup Normal rate $15.00
C cup Over abundant rate $20.00
D cup* "Are they real?" rate $40.00
PLEASE NOTE: Anyone under AA cup is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT REQUEST AN ENLARGEMENT!!!
* Females exceeding D cup should consult their tax advisor for the
KNOCK YOUR EYES OUT Capital Gains tax.
Boobs Checker,
Internal Revenue Service
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
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Date: Sat, 8 Apr 2000 08:40:24 -0400
From: Taylor, Chris <CTaylor@NRCAN.GC.CA>
Subject: Safety First (offensive to blondes)
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost
zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and
wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it
warmed up and thought about her situation.
She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a
blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way
she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and
sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow
it.
As she followed the plow, she was feeling very pleased with herself not
having any problem with the blizzard conditions.
After quite some time had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow
plow stopped, the driver got out and came back to her car and signalled for
her to roll down her window. The driver wanted to know if she was all right
as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine
and told him of her daddy's advice. The driver replied that it was okay with
him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart
parking lot and was going to K-Mart next.
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Date: Sat, 8 Apr 2000 08:24:15 -0600
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: This helps us understand
Here's something everyone should know:
On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens
aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell NM,
an incident they say has been covered up by the military.
On March 31, 1948, exactly nine months after that day, Al Gore
was born.
That sure clears up a lot of things......
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Date: Sat, 8 Apr 2000 10:10:05 -0700
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns of the Weak: 4-7-00
•Donavan, while visiting Italy, met a sailor from Venice. Before long
they found themselves in a tavern. After several hours of heavy drinking
the Italian finally slid under the table. The Irishman staggered to his
feet and announced, "I'm the first guy who ever drank a Venetian blind!
•Two predatory birds crash-landed on my lawn and sustained severe grass
stains. Now, I have a peregrine falcons. (Tom Emig)
•What could you call ten young female equines on a reform Kibbutz? A
Filly Minyon (Stan Kegel)
•Farmers have 'my grain' headaches. (Pun of the Day)
•When the temperature exceeded his forecast, the weatherman “took the
heat.” (Jumble)
•The salesman sold insurance because it was a “company policy.” (Jumble)
•FOR SALE: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
drawers. (Richard Lederer)
•If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a tool box, what
does a mohel carry? A Bris-kit! (Ron Klar)
•If a rabbit is raised indoors, it would be an ingrown hare. (Gill Krebs)
•A retired jazz musician was staring at his instrument up on the shelf,
fearing it was getting rusty. "My horn needs a good blow" he mused.
"Sax! Is that all you can ever think of?" cried his wife. (Pam Shorey)
•"I just ran over my father," Tom said transparently. (Gill Krebs)
•Polyunsaturated: A dry parrot. (Dano)
•Diarrhea runs in my family. (Eddie Lawhorn)
•An author who wrote from his basement had a best cellar. (Pun of the Day)
•What happens if you get a gigabyte? It megahertz. (The Placebo Page)
•A pop-top collector is a Tab Hunter. (Richard Lederer)
•Ever wonder why you don't hear any stories about Dracula's brother who
built the ark? He was a Noah count. Well actually he was able to count
but not very fast. He was only able to count to two by two. (Gary Hallock)
•I misplaced my dictionary. Now I'm at a loss for words. (Aiken Drum)
•A friend of mine is writing a movie script entitled "Frontier Rabbi."
The other day he was describing a scene from the script where the rabbi
conducts a short mourning service in the wilderness. I told him the
scene could be called "A Little Kaddish in the Woods." (Harvey Gordon)
•Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. (Richard Lederer)
•Three ladies formed an orchestra and you too can join if you can play
AMANDA LENORA VIOLA. (Ken Shurget)
•Once, when I was staying in a hotel in Atlanta, I had to call the front
desk and tell them I had a leak in the bathtub. "That's OK by me," came
the clerk's reply, "just don't tell anybody!" (Myrddin)
•Pop quiz: A paternity suit. (Richard Lederer)
•Semiconductor: Part-time musician (Cathleen Shoemaker)
•What keeps a dock floating above water? Pier pressure. (Pun of the Day)
•What are the two smallest animals mentioned in the Bible? The wicked
flea and the widow’s mite. (Bill Harryman)
•I entered a contest for the most prominent veins. I didn’t win but I
came varicose. (John Vose)
•What's the difference between a tennis ball and the prince of Wales? One
is heir to the thrown and the other is thrown into the air. (Bruce H. G. Calder)
•Many citizens angered by the intrusive questions in this years census
have refused to fill it out. That's simply noncensus. (Andres George)
•Then there was the coed who got an A when her history teacher found out
that she was terrible on names but great on dates. (Becky Shiles)
•Why shouldn’t you wash your rabbit with goat’s milk? You’re not supposed
to use that greasy kid stuff on your hare. (Jim Ertner)
•Current Events: Electrician charged with battery. (Stan Kegel)
•Blue Eyes or Brown by Gene Poole (Cynthia MacGregor)
•"I wonder why uranium glows, " said Marie curieously.(Gill Krebs)•
What do you call a take-out low-calorie meal for a cowboy? A Saddle
Light Dish (By Stan Kegel)
•If you are a chromosome slicer you could be called a Gene Hackman.
(Richard Lederer)
•Why does fungus come in small groups? Because there isn't mushroom. That
was in spore taste, but I just can't help it if I'm such a fungi. (Ron Klar)
•Probably the best known fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the
McCoys. (Shirleu Outen)
•When playing poker with a poet, why are you likely to receive your cards
face-up? He’s used to dealing inverse (By Gary Hallock)
•Isn't it interesting that the people stand up for royalty and the queen
sits down for royal tea. (Myke Ashley Cooper)
•Obituaries: Here lies the husband killer May Burn. May she. (Gary Hamrick)
•A gambling gardener usually hedges his bets. (Archives)
•A cow that is pampered too much will give spoiled milk." (Pun of the Day)
•FOR SALE: An off-white girl's chest with drawers. (Richard Lederer)
•At our seder, we had whole wheat and bran matzoh, fortified with
Metamucil. The brand name, of course, is "Let My People Go." (Ron Klar)
•My sister gave birth in a state-of-the-art delivery room. It was so high
tech, the baby came out cordless. (Renee Napa)
•The tampons were on sale but the offer was valid only for a limited
period. (Peter Hartikka)
•Once a King always a king, but once a knight is enough. (Andres George)
•Banning the bra was a big flop. (Swezey)
•I've decided that since I was born in America, I'm going to check the
Native American box on the census form. (Renee Napa)
•Show me a man who always has two feet on the ground, and I'll show you a
man who can't take his pants off. (The Rave)
•I know a Muslim who must think that we Americans are all godless winos.
He keeps calling us zinfidels. (Scot Nelson)
•On the financial difficulties of Noah’s Bagels: “In the early 90s bagel
shops were on a roll. Recently, they’ve run out of bread.” (Ira Larson)
•Chuck was driving his car home one day when one of the tires went flat.
He stopped at a garage and found an attendant that would pump up the
tire. That will be $50," said the attendant when he was finished.
"That's too much for pumping up my tire!" cried Chuck. The attendant
replied, "Inflation, my good man, inflation!" (Chalapathi Rao Poduri)
•Diagnostic: Pass away without knowing if there is a God. (The Punster)
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Date: Sat, 8 Apr 2000 22:16:06 -0100
From: Bruce Chilton <bchilton@EROLS.COM>
Subject: Duya's slogan <off to bushies>
We all remember George Bush Senior's great election slogan, "A thousand
points of light", right?
Well Dubya has adapted it in slightly modified form to fit in with his
halcyon days its, "A thousand pints of lite"
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Date: Sun, 9 Apr 2000 00:29:51 -0600
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Hi Tech Milking Machine [Adult]
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.
Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town,
he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his
penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and...
everything else was automatic!
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as
much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though,
he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument
from his penis.
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He
tried every button on the instrument, but still without
success.
Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer
Service Hot Line. "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from
your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from
the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "the machine
was programmed to release automatically once it's collected
two gallons of milk."
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