Digest for Sunday, April 09, 2000
There are 6 messages totalling 291 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- If Dogs Could Talk, Theyd tell Us.....
- Books To Avoid
- CHALK ONE UP FOR THE MAN
- New Tax (adult)
- Carstianity (Puns)
- Jewish Oscars
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Date: Sun, 9 Apr 2000 08:27:49 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: If Dogs Could Talk, They'd tell Us.....
1. When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
2. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
3. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be
pure ecstasy.
4. When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
5. Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
6. Take naps and stretch before rising.
7. Run, romp, and play daily.
8. Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
9. Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.
10. On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
11. On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
12. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
13. No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing
and pout... run right back and make friends.
14. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
15. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
16. Be loyal.
17. Never pretend to be something you're not.
18. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
And Finally....
19. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle
them gently.
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Date: Sun, 9 Apr 2000 10:23:17 -0400
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Books To Avoid
I don't think these are available through the "Highlights for
Children" Book Club. Maybe you CAN judge these books by their
titles.
Children's Books You May Want To Avoid
-------------------------------------
"You Were An Accident"
"Strangers Have The Very Best Candy"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"Where Would You Like To Be Buried?"
"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"All Dogs Go To Hell"
"The Kids' Guide To Hitchhiking"
"You Are Different And That's Bad"
"Dad's New Wife Timothy"
"Pop! Goes The Hamster.... and Other Great Microwave Games"
"The Hardy Boys, The Barbie Twins, And The Vice Squad"
"Babar Meets The Taxidermist"
"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
"The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables"
"Start a Real-Estate Empire With The Change From Your Mom's Purse"
"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers And Are Shot Dead"
"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary
School"
"Controlling the Playground Respect Through Fear"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know The Answer, They Say God Did It"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing To That Other Dog?"
"Can Mr. Fork And Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
"Bi-Curious George"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry Sometimes"
[Thanks to Marc Whitney]
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
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Date: Sun, 9 Apr 2000 18:20:23 -0400
From: hawgasm <hawgasm@RICHMOND.INFI.NET>
Subject: CHALK ONE UP FOR THE MAN
Husband and wife are getting all snugly
in bed. The passion is heating up. But
then the wife stops and says: "I don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
The husband says, "WHAT??" The wife explains
that he must not be in tune with her emotional
needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that
nothing is going to happen tonight and he might
as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping
at a big department store. He walks around and
has her try on three very expensive outfits.
She can't decide. He tells his wife to take
all three of them. Then they go over and get
matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they
go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a
set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited.
She thinks her husband has flipped out, but
she does not care. She goes for the tennis
bracelet. The husband says, "But you don't
even play tennis, but OK if you like it then
let's get it." The wife is jumping up and down
so excited she cannot even believe what is going
on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the
cash register."
The husband says, "No - no - no, honey we're
not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's
face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you
to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets
really mad and she is about to explode and the
Husband says "You must not be in tune with my
financial needs as a Man."
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Date: Sun, 9 Apr 2000 18:31:37 -0700
From: F.I. Goldhaber <fi@PEAK.ORG>
Subject: New Tax (adult)
The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the penis. This is
due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around
unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is
pissed off and 10% of the time it's in the hole. It has two
dependents, but they're nuts.
Effective January 1, 2000, penises will be taxed according to size.
The brackets are as follows:
10"-12" Luxury Tax
8"-10" Pole Tax
5"-8" Privilege Tax
4"-5" Nuisance Tax
Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone under
4" is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!
Issues still under consideration are as follows:
Are there penalties for early withdrawal?
Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
Are condoms deductible as work clothes?
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Date: Sun, 9 Apr 2000 20:43:31 -0700
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Carstianity (Puns)
"Haul a Yugo. Haul a Yugo."
Gearly beloved, we are Blazered here in the name of our Four-door, who
art in Half-ton.
I'm speaking of our lord and Mazda, Jeep-sus Chrysler.
He is the Alfa and the Romeo.
He was born in a Ranger, he was Tempo'd by the DeVille, and he
Daihatsu'd for your Sentras.
He said, "Dodge not, that ye not be Dodged.
Thou shalt not Corvette thy neighbor's Whitewall, but turn the other Cherokee.
If ye have Fiat, ye can move Montecarlos.
He ain't Chevy, he's my Beretta."
He ate the Last Supra, and he climbed the mount of Cavalier, where they
Cruise-controlled him on the Motocross.
But God, in his Infiniti Mercedes, did Rolls away the Stanza.
Let us Prelude: Sayeth the prophet Isuzu, in the Dusenburg Bible, In
the 23rd Saab, "The Ford is my Chauffeur.
I shall not Walk. He Lexus me in the paths of Right-turn-signals.
Yea, though I walk through the Valet of the Shadow of Dart, I shall
Fiero no Eagle.
Subaru Goo dwrench and Mercury shall Volvo me Audi Daytonas of my life,
and I shall Dwellmeter house of Delorean, Four-cylinder."
Gloria, In Ex-Celica Geo!
(By Steve Brooks, Winning entry in the O Henry Pun-Offs)
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Date: Mon, 10 Apr 2000 10:14:48 +0530
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Jewish Oscars <clean>
Getting the jump on the Oscars this weekend are the "Irvings", awarded
for excellence in Jewish movies this week in Miami Beach at the Rascal
House. The Early Bird will be canceled that night.
The following have been nominated:
THE SIX CENTS - 3 Jews each put in their 2 cents worth.
GOY STORY 2 - Jewish man divorces a shiksa, marries another.
ISN'T SHE GEVALDIK - Yeshiva boys read Jacqueline Susann.
SUPERNOVA - Space scientists discover powerful strains of lox.
SNOW FALLING ON SEDERS - Unexpected storm disrupts Passover.
ANGELA'S KASHAS - Woman reveals secret recipe.
GIRLS, INTERRUPTED - Women's section of shul shushed during davening.
STUART LADLE - Mouse makes chicken soup on Shabbos.
THE SEDER HOUSE RULES - Zadie lays down the law on Pesach.
THE TALMUDIC MR. RIPLEY - Believe it or not, he knows gemorah.
Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)
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