Digest for Tuesday, May 02, 2000
There are 8 messages totalling 425 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Fish at a restaurant
- Makes u wanna go hmmmm...
- I Fought The Law And The Law Won...
- Humor: Sexual chemical elements
- At the Urologists
- Weird Business News #25 (1st of 3)
- Testing Methodologies - Part 2/2
- Recent Groaners
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Date: Mon, 1 May 2000 23:07:12 -0700
From: M. Zaiem Beg <zbeg@WOLFENET.COM>
Subject: Fish at a restaurant
Two trout are dining in a restaurant when one of them starts waving his
empty glass in the air. The head waiter turns to another waiter and says,
"I think there's a fish out of water."
-M. Zaiem Beg
zbeg@wolfenet.com
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Date: Tue, 2 May 2000 01:29:33 -0500
From: RANEBOUXshesaid <raneboux@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: Makes u wanna go hmmmm...
On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens
aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell
NM, an incident they say has been covered up by the
military.
On March 31, 1948, exactly nine months after that
day, Al Gore
was born.
$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
~Just enjoy the Raneboux~
http://www.geocities.com/raneboux_voodew/
$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?
i b chillin'
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Date: Tue, 2 May 2000 07:43:19 -0400
From: Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: I Fought The Law And The Law Won... <off. to T.O.P.>
When the old perfesser went to get his driver's license renewed, the local
motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an
hour until he finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment,
and then groused to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up
looking pretty darned grouchy in this picture."
The woman behind him peered over his shoulder, then reassured him,
"It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over
anyway."
-- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled the old perfesser as
the police clerk handed him a receipt for his traffic fine.
"Keep it," the clerk advised. "When you get four of them, you get a
bicycle."
-- = -- = -- = -- = -- = -- = -- = -- = -- = -- = --
[excerpted from The Old Perfesser's diary]
Dear Diary,
Someday I guess I'm just gonna get arrested, but I can't resist
off-the-wall humor when people least expect it. I went into this
department store and was greeted by a female salesgirl, who
said, "Good afternoon sir, and what is it you desire?"
I replied, "What I desire is to whisk you outta here, take you
to my secret hide-away, mix up a big pitcher of drinks, put on
some soft music, and then make mad passionate love to you
all afternoon.
"However, what I need are some underwear and socks."
-- The Old Perfesser
-- = -- = -- = -- = -- = -- = -- = -- = -- = -- = --
The retard.... er, excuse me, I've GOT to stop listening to HIS accent...
the reTIRED old perfesser was brought before the county judge on
charges.
The judge said sternly, "This is not the first time that you have been
brought before this court on charges of being drunk and disorderly.
Have you any reason why a stiff sentence should not be pronounced
this time?"
The old drun... erm, perfesser stood up and looked at the judge. "Man's
inhumanity to man makes countless thousands mourn."
Then he turned and faced the courtroom. "I'm not as debased as Poe,
as ungrateful as Keats, as intemperate as Burns, as timid as Tennyson,
as vulgar as Shakespeare, as---"
The judge interrupted, "Shut up! That'll be ninety days," and he slammed
down the gavel. Then he said to the bailiff, "Take down that list of names
and round them up... they're as bad as he is!"
-- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --
The old perfesser was brought before the court on the charge of refusing
to obey a police officer.
"Why did you refuse to move on when asked to do so by the officer?" the
judge inquired, obviously wondering what unexplained force could have
given such a weak man the strength to buck a strong minion of the law.
"It's like this, your honor," explained the old perfesser. "My wife said I was
to meet her at exactly twelve noon at that spot - and I was forced to choose
between man's law and wife's law."
-- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --
The old perfesser came home from school on his birthday to
find his front door open and his porch strewn with broken glass.
"DAMN!" he says. "My house has been invaded!" and sprinted
around to the back.
There he grabbed a aluminum garden rake from off the grass,
rushed back to the front door, and collected his breath. After he
had done so, he went through the front door, inching past the broken
glass on the porch floor, and slowly edged around the doorway into
the family room.
There were the invaders, and before any could get a word out, the
old perfesser swung the rake from head to head until each violator
was on the floor and unconscious.
He stood staring at the intruders strewn about the floor. After a short
examination of the criminals, he pondered:
"Hmmmm... why are they all wearing party hats?"
**************************
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
-- The Old Perfesser
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Date: Tue, 2 May 2000 10:31:45 -0500
From: Rowe, Thomas <trowe@UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Humor: Sexual chemical elements
A variation on a joke that has floated around for years - this one came to
me via John Haessig.
=========================
Two New Elements
Two new additions to the periodic table of elements
Element Name: WOMANIUM
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)
Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and
may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not used
well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses Strong affinity
with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone.
Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when
placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of
wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!
------------------------------------------------
Element Name: MANIUM
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape
easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample.
Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct Electricity as easily as
younger samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also
tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD
(Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged periods of time. Neutralize by saturating
with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to
produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to
smell.
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Date: Tue, 2 May 2000 12:29:40 -0600
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: At the Urologist's
An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an
office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with
patients.
He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large
imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name. In a
very load voice the receptionist said, "Yes, I see your name here...
you want to see the doctor about impotence, right?"
The heads of all the patients in the waiting room snapped around, to
look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied,
"No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation... and I'd like
the same doctor that did yours!"
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Date: Tue, 2 May 2000 15:40:28 +0100
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Weird Business News #25 (1st of 3)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh, May. May Day, May poles and yet another edition of Weird Business
News -- an examination of business in search of a buck.
The Names In the News Award to the notification that Po Na Group PLC, a North
African theme bar operator in Great Britain, says it is exploring a
takeover of Slug and Lettuce Group PLC, a British operator of pubs.
The New Product Award to Nabisco Biscuit Co. with its Oreo Magic Dunkers.
Dunk the cookie in your milk and the liquid turns blue "without changing
the milk or the cookie's flavor," we are assured.
Second Place to TriSenx for its patent on technology that uses a desktop
printer to produce smells or tastes in a printout from data programmed into
a Web page on the Internet.
The Say What? Award to SchwabFunds, which in a recent proxy statement to be
voted upon by holders said, "Each fund adopted a fundamental policy at its
inception requiring that all of its policies be fundamental. It
is proposed that, for each fund above, the fundamental policy making all
fund polices fundamental be eliminated."
The Good Idea of the Month from a letter to the editor of British magazine
New Scientist. "I am working with the pet food industry," the letter said,
"to introduce legislation to enable people, at the ends of their lives, to
donate their bodies to pet food manufacturers. The human flesh thereby
recycled would release thousands of tons of grains ... for feeding less
fortunate children all over the world."
The 40 Whacks Prize to Franklin Smith who was awarded $143,000 in damages
by a Wisconsin court after his boss at Phillips Getschow Co. spanked him
with a ruler while other employees watched, then allegedly put his arm
around Smith and said, "Now you're one of us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Date: Wed, 3 May 2000 09:45:39 +0530
From: chaps <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Testing Methodologies - Part 2/2 <clean>
Permission Testing: Hey! You're not allowed to do that!
Emission Testing: Oh my god! It's gone airborne, shut down the Air
Conditioning! Evacuate the building!
Division Testing: Ok bug, let's see you divide 120339342 by 237845801
then!
Possession Testing: Yes, it's a bug, but whose going to fix it?
Impression Testing: Well, that's how I thought they said it should
work...but there's no spec reference.
Annotated Testing: Yes it's a "bug", often referred to as a "problem",
depending on who you talk to a "misunderstanding", and even, at times, a
"@#!$*##".
Warm & Fuzzy Testing: Yes, it does look... odd. But let's not call it
that. Let's just pose it as a question.
Agitated Testing: AH! Oh wait, NO! Come BACK HERE! (BANG!) MMMMM AH!
@*!#$ GOT YOU! YOU LITTLE BUGGER!
Oscillation Testing: There's a bug, now it's fixed, now its back.
Infatuation Testing: "Oh look!!! What a cute bug!!!!"
Integrity Testing: If the application misbehaved under the covers, is it
really a bug? Well, it depends on how you define the term "bug."
In-Flatulent Testing: Testing in an enclosed space after having Mexican
food for lunch.
Confessional Testing: Developer says "I noticed that during my unit
Testing, but I didn't think that anyone else would find it."
Useless Testing: It doesn't work? Send it anyway!
Absolution Testing: Yes it's buggy, but we forgive you.
Infestation Testing: Much, much buggy to ship. <OR You're finding bugs
all over the place and you're searching for the nest.
Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)
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Date: Tue, 2 May 2000 21:20:28 -0700
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Recent Groaners
The Census
The census taker knocked on the lady's door. She answered all his
questions except one. She refused to tell him her age.
"But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said.
"Did Miss Maisy Hill, and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?" she asked.
"Certainly." he replied
"Well, I'm the same age as they are." she snapped.
The census taker simply wrote on the form, "As old as the Hills,"
Bitter Herbs
While few of the traditional seder foods trace their origins as far
back as matzoh, it should be noted that the lowly horseradish root also
crossed the Red Sea with the fleeing Israelites.
As impoverished slaves, they had access to few vegetables and the hard
and woody horseradish was a household staple.
While most of the fleeing Israelites carried with them horseradish,
there is a story told of one family where, while gathering up their few
belongings, discovered that they had no horseradish left in their house.
The wife sent her husband into the field to dig up a large horseradish
root, but in the darkness and confusion, he unearthed a large ginger
root by mistake.
The story continues that after forty years of wandering in the desert,
the Israelites finally entered the promised land. But it was another
year before the family with the ginger arrived to settle among the rest
of the Israelites.
When asked where they had been, the matriach of the family, now grown
old, shrugged and answered, "My husband insisted on taking an alternate root."
Lactose Intolerance
A scientist found, to his great surprise, that he was lactose
intolerant (unable to digest milk sugar). At dinner that night with his
two young daughters (age 9 and 4 years), he mentioned that he had found
out that he was lactose intolerant and tried to explain to them what
that meant.
A couple of months later, he took the kids to a local restaurant for a
quick breakfast before shopping. The place was very busy, but the
quality of the food and service were obviously not up to par.
When they finally got their breakfast, his youngest daughter took a
look at her father's omelet and burnt toast and declared very loudly to
the waitress "My Daddy can't eat that toast, he is black toast
intolerant." Needless to say, after a moment's silence, the whole
restaurant burst into laughter. (By Sylvia Wolf)
The Cosmonaut
A Russian cosmonaut has an emergency during his reentry into earth's
atmosphere and his space craft crash lands in the Australian bush, way
out in the middle of nowhere.
After what seems like an eternity, he wakes up in a bush hospital
clinic, very rustic, dirty, with foul smells and he is really bandaged
from head to foot. He sees a very large, somewhat gruff looking nurse
approaching him as he lay in his cot.
"Did I come here to die?" he says with a deep sense of resignation and fear.
"No," the Aussie nurse replies, "You came here yesterdiaay.
Exploring The Moon
The astronauts in the Sea of Tranquility were amazed to discover that
the moon actually did contain large underground deposits of cheese. Once
outside the LEM, they climbed into the LTV and drove across the lunar
surface to obtain samples.
In one location they discovered a large deposit of brie and collected
25 pounds to bring back to earth. They drove to a second location and
collected 50 pounds of camembert. In a third location they hit a vein of
cheddar and collected another 50 pounds of samples.
Mission Control crackled through their headsets that it would not be
satisfied unless they brought back at least another 25 pounds of brie.
The astronauts turned their LTV around and proceeded to the first
location where they collected another 25 pounds of the cheese.
The astronauts were almost back to the LEM when Mission Control radioed
that it wanted another 25 pounds of brie. Disgruntled, one of the
astronauts sarcastically snapped into his microphone, "Have you ever
seen such a site in your life as brie mined thrice?"
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