Digest for Thursday, May 04, 2000
There are 8 messages totalling 463 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Top5 - 5/4/00 - The Disney/Time-Warner Negotiation
- Are You Feeling Old Today?
- Nice Butt...
- Men dont listen well, do they!
- Weird Business News #25 (2nd of 3)
- Nazis and the Mayor of NYC {POLITICAL!!! MAY OFFEND}
- WHITe wASH... (off to SOMEbody in the world )
- Terminate, your employee...
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Date: Thu, 4 May 2000 06:21:58 -0400
From: John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 5/4/00 - The Disney/Time-Warner Negotiation
May 4, 2000
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
Over 3 million households around the country had to do
without watching ABC TV earlier this week because of a
quarrel over transmission rights between Time Warner Inc.
and The Walt Disney Co., owners of ABC.
The Top 14 Things Overheard in
the Disney/Time Warner Negotiations
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]
14> "If Wegis gets bumped, your wabbit buys the farm."
13> "First item: You have to put pants on either the duck or
Sipowitz."
12> "So we are agreed, you rule the world Monday through
Wednesday, we rule the world Thursday through Saturday,
and on Sunday we let Cher have a crack at it."
11> "Here's the thing: Time? Loves the mouse.
Warner? Not so much."
10> "Give in, or you'll hear 'It's a Small World' once an hour
for the rest of your lives!!!"
9> The splintering of wooden doors as a Janet Reno's swat team
rushes in to free Regis.
8> "So let's recap: you rename one of the dwarfs 'Katzenbergey',
and we can get the little mermaid alone in a Motel 6 for
three hours."
7> "Uh, Mr. Eisner -- just because Mickey wears no pants doesn't
mean you have to."
6> "Okay, so you let us cut off one of Regis's fingers and
you'll get Toledo back."
5> "I'm afraid you don't understand -- what Goofy wants,
Goofy gets."
4> <List Item Temporarily Unavailable>
3> "Alright, who put the frozen head of Walt in my bed?"
2> "Our only demand: Less Greg, more Dharma."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing Overheard
in the Disney/Time Warner Negotiations...
1> "Is that your final tantrum?"
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]
==================================================================
Rumination of the Day
Today I woke up, went outside, and to make a long
story short, I spent the night in jail and the
iguanas all made it back to California unharmed.
(Jason Harrison)
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Date: Thu, 4 May 2000 07:09:22 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Are You Feeling Old Today?
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to
wear out, fall out, or spread out...
You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as
long as you don't have to go along.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun -- and fun a lot more work.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every
man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?
You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start
confiding in you.
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends and have begun
to grow in the middle.
Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that I'm too old to
enjoy.
Billy Graham has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends.
What could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his
doctor instead of by the police.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one
that will get you home earlier.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only
thing you care to exercise.
At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a
laxative.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid
you.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through
Congress.
You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the
parking lot.
You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it
started.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and
you didn't do anything the night before.
The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news -- the good news is that
you are not a hypochondriac.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas because
it's too risky of an investment.
Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all of my money.
There are three signs of old age. The first is one's loss of memory, the
other two I forget.
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Date: Thu, 4 May 2000 07:30:52 -0400
From: Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Nice Butt... <adult, off.>
"What *is* sodomy, anyway?" asked Hector, half in Earnest.
------------------------------------
A young, lonely guy driving across the country decided to pick up
a stunning, female hitchhiker. A few miles into the trek, she started
coming on to him, so needless to say, he pulled over to the side
of the desolate, deserted road so she could give him some oral
pleasure.
Once his pants were down to his ankles, she surprised him with a
gun and bound his wrists to his ankles. Then, she robbed him of
his wallet and clothes, and drove off with his car.
Once she was out of sight, the man struggled to his feet and began
hopping alongside the road in a desperate attempt to attract some-
one's help. A short time later, a trucker pulled up along side the
troubled man.
"What happened to you?" asked the trucker, with a grin.
The man explained his plight...
The trucker stepped down from his truck, and as he unzipped his
pants and brought out a gun he remarked, "This just ain't been
your day, has it boy?"
------------------------------------
[excerpted from The Old Perfesser's diary]
Dear Diary,
I've had this odd feeling for a little while. Not funny "ha-ha",
but funny strange. It's a surrealistically subconscious feeling
that I was abducted by aliens and thoroughly probed.
Then a friend of mine told me they got me really drunk and
dropped me off at a gay bar.
The bastards.
-- The Old Perfesser
-- = -- = -- = -- = -- = -- = -- = -- = -- = -- = --
Q: Did you hear about the lesbian swimmer who was
thrown out of the Olympics?
A: She kept lapping the other swimmers.
------------------------------------
Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the counter
with a great big smile on his face.
Dave says, "John, what are you so happy for?"
"Well Dave," says John, "I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my
boat, just waxin' my boat, and this redhead came up to me... tits out to
here, Dave, tits out to here! She says 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat!' So I took her way out, Dave.
I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldnt swim,
Dave, she couldnt swim!!."
The next day, Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of
the counter with a bigger smile on his face.
Dave says, "What are you so happy about today, John?"
"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya," says John. "Yesterday I was out waxin' my
boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me... tits
out to here, Dave, tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
'Sure you can have a ride in my boat,' I says. So I took her way out, Dave,
way out even further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said 'Its
either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim!!, Dave, she couldnt swim!!!!"
A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there
crying over a beer.
Dave says, "John, what are you so sad for?"
"Well Dave," says John, "I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my
boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me...
tits WAY out to here, Dave, tits way out to **here**. I had more wood than
my boat does. She says 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
'Sure, you can have a ride in my boat,' I says. So I took her way out, Dave,
way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and
looked at her tits and said 'Its either screw or swim!!'. She pulled down
her pants.... she had a dick, Dave !!! She had a great BIG dick!!!
And Dave, I CAN'T SWIM!!!"
------------------------------------
Q: What do you call it when you get turned on by reading
about guys in Greek myths?
A: Homer-erotic literature. (Popken)
------------------------------------
Little Johnny's father was concerned about his thirteen year old son's
preoccupation with breasts. The boy would repeatedly point to attractive
girls and whisper "Hey, Dad, look at the hooters on that one!"
Little Johnny's father finally decided to take the boy to a psychiatrist.
The doctor assured him that just one day's intensive therapy could cure
Little Johnny. When the session was over, father and son walked several
blocks to a bus stop. Little Johnny remained silent as they passed
several pretty girls.
As they boarded the bus, the father was inwardly complimenting the
psychiatrist. Then Johnny tugged at his sleeve and whispered, "Hey,
Dad, look at the tight butt on the bus driver!"
------------------------------------
The old perfesser and Jud were coming out of a local watering hole on the
outskirts of town one evening, when Jud spotted a sheep with its head stuck
in the railings.
"Look at that, Perfesser... we can't miss a chance like that," says Jud.
So Jud walks up behind the sheep, drops his trousers and screws that little
sheep silly.
Jud then says, "Okay perfesser, it's your turn next."
So, the old perfesser drops his trousers and sticks his head in the
railings......
***************************
You can be replaced by something that runs on "D" batteries.
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Date: Thu, 4 May 2000 07:18:03 -0600
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Men don't listen well, do they!
On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had a serious problem. He had made
several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been
occupied. The Stewardess noticed that he was walking short steps and had a
look of pain on his face.
"Sir," she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch
any of the buttons on the wall." He would have promised anything and said
so. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there savoring the feeling, he
noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified
by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he
touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed
gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling,he thought. Men's restrooms
don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed
the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his
bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.
The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it was tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed it's pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR
button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
He knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was
staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened?!" he
exclaimed. "You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse. "The last
button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your testicles are under
your pillow.
------------------------------
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Date: Thu, 4 May 2000 07:56:43 +0100
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Weird Business News #25 (2nd of 3)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A BigFatMall site
The Are You Really a Rock Band? Award to BigFatWow Inc. of Irving,
which says it brings free Internet access to shopping malls around the country.
The Good Question Award to the unnamed tourist in Great Britain who, hearing
airplanes from nearby Heathrow Airport, asked the tour guide, "Why did they
build Windsor Castle so close to the airport?"
The Dot-Com Madness Award to the Dutch investors who scrambled to buy
shares in F/Rite Air (pronounced Fried Air) before discovering it was all
an April Fools' joke.
And 52 percent lied. Forty-eight percent of Americans admit to having
littered at one time or another in the past 10 years, according to a recent
survey.
The Suspicions Confirmed Award to the newly launched Web site designed to
help lawyers and potential clients connect. Its name? SharkTank.com.
The Will He Also Share the Divorce Filings Award? to San Francisco 49ers
quarterback Steve Young, who has posted photographs of his recent wedding
for his fans at www.athletes- direct.com.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Date: Thu, 4 May 2000 14:37:33 -0400
From: Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Nazis and the Mayor of NYC {POLITICAL!!! MAY OFFEND}
Hard Times for Rudolph Giuliani
The Mayor of New York City has been having a very bad time of it in the last
week or so. He's figuratively and nearly literally gotten his gonads in a vice.
Now New York has never been the safest place in the world, but in the last few
years persons of African extraction seem to have had a lot of trouble running
into police bullets and brooms there. The Mayor has taken much flack over these
incidents and some of our ungrateful brown brothers -self-styled political
activists who are just too dumb to be making their fortunes in E-commerce-have
called him a Nazi! Others tried to pin the Nazi label on Mr. Giuliani when he
got himself involved in last fall's great art controversy over when, and if,
elephant dung can ever be used as an artistic medium. Reportedly protesters
carried signs caricaturing Mr. Giuliani with a Hitler mustache.
The Mayor was moved to say, "Invocations of Adolf Hitler are despicable no
matter who it is. Nobody should participate in it, and nobody should do it."
Well, it seems that the Mayor just plain forgot himself last week and spent the
entire week calling the Federal Agents who were instrumental in reuniting Elaine
Gonzalez with his father "Storm Troopers." Reports are that he used that
Naziesque phrase repeatedly. When folks protested that these remarks were a bit
over the top, Mr. Giuliani --with an eye out for the votes of
Policeal-Americans-said that he really didn't mean to attack the agents, who
were just following orders, and was really referring to their bosses: President
Clinton and Janet Reno. Thus it seems that only the Mayor has the ability to
identify true Nazis in our midst.
Then, in a strange twist of fate, Mr. Guiliani was diagnosed with prostate
cancer last week. His prospects for recovery are said to be very good, but
that's still got to be a shock to one and one's family. Why, his wife (an
actress known as Donna Hanover) announced that she will not take over the lead
role in an "Off Broadway" hit called "The Vagina Monologues." Perhaps that's
just as well because a show with a title like "Vagina Monologues" doesn't quite
seem to be the place one should find a proper Republican wife in her honest
Republican cloth coat.
And so now Mr. Guiliani has to run against that well-known bitch Hillary (nee
Hillary Rodam Clinton) with his balls in a sling! What an irony! For eight
years Republicans have been telling us what a castrating bitch/ball-buster
Hillary is and now one of their knights will have to take on this she-dragon
with his manhood under siege!
Ah, but fear not dear friends. Bitch is just one letter away from Witch and
I'll bet you dollars to donuts that before its autumn in New York Guilani's
supporters will launch an investigation into just what kind of spell the
Witch/bitch/carpetbagger has put upon their leader.
********************************************
Columnist Clyde Haberman reported the Guiliani Nazi quote and his recent embrace
of that same imagery in The New York Times on May 2, 2000 by. He didn't bring
up Hillary or the "Vagina Monologues."
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Date: Thu, 4 May 2000 18:51:25 -0500
From: RANEBOUXshesaid <raneboux@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: WHITe wASH... (off to SOMEbody in the world )
Q. What did George Washington and Thomas Jefferson have in common?
?
?
?
:->
A. They were the last two white people to have those names...
$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
~Just enjoy the Raneboux~
http://www.geocities.com/raneboux_voodew/
$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?
i b chillin'
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Date: Fri, 5 May 2000 10:28:11 +0530
From: chaps <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Terminate, your employee...<clean>
....with these wonderful lines...have him fired! :-)
(via Lynne <B2Marvin@aol.com>)
I don't know what we'll do without you, but we are going to try!
We told everyone you are leaving because of illness. The truth is
I'm sick of you.
Its not that you aren't a responsible worker. In fact, you've
been responsible for more disasters than any one else in the place.
Today I'm going to mix business with pleasure. You're fired!
I've got good news for you. You won't have to worry about being
late for work ever again.
They told me to get some enthusiasm back into this unit. So I'm
firing you with enthusiasm.
Tell me - how long have you been with us not counting tomorrow?
Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)
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