Digest for Friday, May 05, 2000
There are 8 messages totalling 290 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- BLONDES & EXAMS
- SURVIVAL TIPS
- Weird Business News #25 (3rd of 3)
- Vagina Monologues
- Offensive to overweight People
- Puns of the Weak: 5-5-00
- Dread diseases
- In Australia
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Date: Fri, 5 May 2000 01:50:51 -0500
From: RANEBOUXshesaid <raneboux@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: BLONDES & EXAMS
The blonde reported for her university final examination which consists of
"yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares
at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration
takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking
the answer sheet -- Yes for Heads and No for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating
it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the
coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half and hour. But I'm rechecking my answers.
@@@@@@@@@
$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
~Just enjoy the Raneboux~
http://www.geocities.com/raneboux_voodew/
$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?
i b chillin'
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Date: Fri, 5 May 2000 07:54:10 -0400
From: Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: SURVIVAL TIPS
MOM'S SURVIVAL TIPS
To my kids who have left home and are on their own,
I pass on a list of life lessons:
1. Don't sweat your every mistake or faux pas. They make up
for the things you got away with that nobody knows about.
2. Avoid marrying anyone who deliberately flushes the toilet
when you're taking a shower.
3. When someone tells you that what he's about to say is
"for your own good," expect the worst.
4. The value of a dog is its constant reminder of how much fun
it is to be idiotic.
5. If you are lavishly praised, enjoy the taste but don't swallow it whole.
6. When a politician says, "let me make something perfectly clear,"
remember that he usually won't.
7. You children may leave home, but their stuff will be in your attic
and basement forever.
8. If someone says, "I know what I mean, but I just can't put it into
words," he doesn't know what he means.
9. Two people cannot operate a TV remote control in the same
room at the same time.
10. Don't waste time trying to be your own best friend. You can't
pat yourself on the back, and it's unsatisfying to cry on your own
shoulder. Find a real friend instead.
**********************
Mom, I'll always love you, but I'll never forgive
you for cleaning my face with spit on a hanky.
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Date: Fri, 5 May 2000 11:05:09 +0100
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Weird Business News #25 (3rd of 3)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Not enough dough.
The Don't Lay Off the Doughboy Plea to Pillsbury Co. Citing falling margins
and tough competition, it is eliminating about 750 jobs, or 4.3 percent of
its work force.
The Just a Little Pinch Between Your Cheek and Prosthetic Device Award to
U.S. Tobacco Co., which was ordered by a Kentucky jury to pay $350 million
in damages to rival Conwood Co. in a federal antitrust suit over
U.S. Tobacco's marketing tactics in the chewing tobacco market.
The Does The Name Really Say It All? Award to Really Easy Internet of
Austin -- a start-up company providing multimedia communications products
to online businesses and communities.
The Ditch That Dilbert Cup Award to a survey by iSwag.com, which found that
people who use a mug at work with their company's logo are four times as
likely to be promoted as those who do not.
The Mr. Nielsen, Have a Stillson Award to ABC/Disney which was
monkey-wrenched Sunday by Time Warner. The two companies have been in an
ongoing dispute over how much the cable company would pay the broadcaster
to carry its programming. Time Warner pulled ABC stations off its cable
systems in Houston;
New York; Los Angeles; Raleigh-Durham, N.C.; Fresno, Calif.; Toledo, Ohio; and
Philadelphia -- just in time for the vital sweeps period when
broadcast stations count the number of their viewers, which determines
their rankings and advertising rates.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Date: Fri, 5 May 2000 15:09:37 -0100
From: Bruce Chilton <bchilton@EROLS.COM>
Subject: Vagina Monologues <off. to the sensitive>
I hear that the Off-broadway show, "Vagina Monologues", in which Mayor
Rudi Giuliani's official wife, Donna Hanover may soon appear, is to be
renamed.
One name being considered is "Twat Talk".
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Date: Fri, 5 May 2000 18:07:31 -0700
From: Richard Nehrbass <rm@NEHRBASS.RENO.NV.US>
Subject: <clean> Offensive to overweight People
I’ve got a fat girlfriend:
I bought her a three piece swim suit; a top, a bottom and a blindfold for
me!
Her legs look like nylons filled with Cauliflower!
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Date: Fri, 5 May 2000 18:32:52 -0700
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns of the Weak: 5-5-00
•In 1912, the "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of Hellman's Mayonnaise
for delivery to Vera Cruz, the next port of call after New York City.
The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate
at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning
which they still observe today. It is known as Sinko de Mayo. (Anom.)
•Flea markets start from scratch. (Zdislav V. Kovarik)
•If a customs officer asks for your visa, don't say, "I have cash. Do you
take that?" (Scott Adams)
•A woman likes a man best who has a will of his own - made out in her
name. (Lee Daniel Quinn)
•There's a vas deferens between being a father and not being one. (Greg Evans)
•God’s gift to women was the person who invented permanent press.
•I wear my wife's eyeglasses because she wants me to see things her way.
•What do you get when you cross bacteria with an electric eel? Culture
shock. (Yasha Harari)
•Is a minister rehersing his sermon practising what he preaches? (Al Boliska)
•Falsies: Delusions of glandeur. (M. Rose Pierce)
•Legendary blues guitarist Bo Diddley is suing Nike claiming it owes him
royalties on thousands of sold T-shirts with his image on them. Nike
feels it doesn’t owe Bo “diddley.” (Andrew Wisot)
•In the beginning, there was nothing. God said, "Let there be light!" . .
. and there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a
whole lot better. (Lee Daniel Quinn)
•An Impossabull is what you get when you make a three-way cross between
an impala, a possum and a bull. It's a 2000 lb. antelope that hangs from
trees and drops down on unsuspecting matadors. (John Nunley)
•What do you call a Girl Guide in Belgium? A Brussels Scout? (David Coble)
•The boss looks on me as a sort of consultant. He told me that when he
wants my advise, he’ll ask for it. (Vern McLellon)
•The guillotine operator received a nice severance package. (Scot Nelson)
•Manicurist: An expert in hand righting, (Evan Esar)
•Restaurants in Mexico will serve only genuine Spanish rice to preserve
the aroma of their cuisine. They know that “arroz by any other name
smells as wheat. (Gary Hallock)
•“My teammates threw me off the boat because I couldn’t row in rhythm.”
“Ah, a case of sync or swim!” (Bob Thaves)
•What does a barber do when he is asked to shave his bill? He goes into a
lather. (Willard R. Espy)
•Ecumenical: Learning to get along with the opposite sects. (M. Rose Pierce)
•If Suddan Hussein inherited his title from his father, would that make
him the Arab parent?(Gary Hallock)
•A blackbird who has lost all his feathers is a bare crow. (P. C. Swanson)
•I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now. (Steven Wright)
•Hysterectomy: The American spay of life. (M. Rose Pierce)
•Minors refuse to wear illuminated helmits because it makes them
lightheaded. (Art Moger)
•My dad's a fisherman, and for Christmas I decided to get him some
weapons of bass destruction. (Bill Edwards)
•The plumber did not understand it, but his love life seemed to be going
down the drain. (Gill Krebs)
•If Holly Berry married Jose Pena and then divorced him to marry Waldo
Pepper, she’d be Holly Pena Pepper. (Stan Kegel)
•What does a weight-conscious vampire drink? Blood Light. (Very Punny)
•The pharaohs of Egypt worked out the first pyramid scheme. (Pun of the Day)
•What would happen if a rhinoceros swallowed a frog? It might croak
•A hole has been found in a nudist colony wall. Police are said to be
looking into it. (Ed Hexter)
•Demeanor employees are moved to another deportment. (Pun of the Day)
•When a man has more than one wife, they call it bigamy. What do they
call it if a woman has more than one husband? Insanity. (Becky Shiles)
•How much beer did the bull consume? The Holstein. (Reiman Publications)
•I never thought I'd get in trouble for preparing mutton with a lovely
marinade, but I was absolutely lambasted. (David Reihmer)
•How do you get rid of water on the knee? Wear hose and pumps. (CCHB000)
•Eisenstein's Theory of Relativity: When you're rich, everybody's a
relative. (T. G. Browning)
•To err is human -- but it feels divine. (Mae West)
•Use "omnivorous" in a sentence. My first piano recital is tonight and
omnivorous about it. (Cynthia MacGregor)
•Have you heard about the fellow who was delivering an outhouse? He had a
good head on his shoulders. (Richard Lederer)
•Being tone deaf was the plight of the bumble bee (ISTPF)
•Dialogue: Staining a piece of wood to change its color. (Jay Christie)
•The Vatican has decided that it is not a sin. to kiss a nun, just don't
get into the habit. (Jokes ‘n Stuff)
•A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die I'm getting you a
headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold as Ever.'" "Yeah, well
when you die I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My
Husband-Stiff at last.'” (Laugh My Ass Off)
•Organ Grinder: The prostitutes phrase for dentures. (Peter Jackson)
•"The Comma Sutra": Punctuation made exciting.
•I just heard about a new computer virus on the internet. When the VIAGRA
VIRUS comes to your PC; all your software becomes hardware. (Hershy)
•What do you give an elephant that has diarrhea? Plenty of room
•What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they
are leaving? Thanks for coming. (Myrddin)
•Did you hear Monica Lewinsky is marrying Ted Kazcinski? Her name will
now be Monica Lewinsky-Kazcinski. A mouthful, but she can handle it.
•My sister shaved her legs and wrecked 'em. (Clynch Varnadore)
•What is the difference between oral and anal sex? Oral sex makes your
hole day and anal sex makes your whole week. (The Placebo Page)
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Date: Fri, 5 May 2000 21:38:10 -0400
From: Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Dread diseases <adult>
The newlyweds were undressing, and the wife examined her disrobing husband
closely for the first time: "Gee, those are funny-looking knees." "Well,"
explained the husband, "when I was a little boy, I caught neasles." "You
mean 'measles,'" countered the wife. "No, neasles!"
Then she looked at his feet and asked why his toes were all out of shape.
"When I was young," he said, "I had tolio!"
The wife quipped, "I just hope you didn't have smallcox."
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Date: Fri, 5 May 2000 21:34:52 -0600
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: In Australia
An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing
to marry a man if he has never been with a woman. After several
unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal
ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life
in the Australian outback.
They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the
bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the
bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room,
naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a
kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get."
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