Digest for Saturday, May 06, 2000
There are 6 messages totalling 287 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- True Confessions
- Limericks
- Assorted Stuff
- Limerick
- Pull it out!!!
- Its A Wacky World! #86
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sat, 6 May 2000 04:13:14 -0400
From: Patrick Ash <pash@GRADIENT.CIS.UPENN.EDU>
Subject: True Confessions <language>
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older
priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him
to
step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your
chin
with one hand."
The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on,
and I understand. How did you feel about that?'"
The new priest says those things.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than
slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?'"
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Sat, 6 May 2000 07:38:57 -0400
From: Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Limericks <adult>
There once was a hacker named Ken,
Who "inherited" truckloads of Yen,
So he built him some chicks,
Out of silicon chips,
And hasn't been heard from since then.
-=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=-
"I'm sick of Tchaikovsky", said May,
"And this Handel and Bach that we play."
So she put down her fiddle,
And diddled her middle;
"It's time for Depussy I say."
-=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=-
A Flighty young gal named Melissa,
Was careless as hell on the pissa...
One day in the rush,
She was caught in the flush,
And goodness knows all of us missa!
-=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=-
There was a young lady from Maine,
Who claimed she had men on her brain.
But you knew from the view,
As her abdomen grew,
It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
-=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=-
There's an oversexed lady named Whyte,
Who insists on a dozen a night.
A fellow named Cheddar,
Had the brashness to wed her...
His chance of survival is slight.
-=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=-
A cock of a fellow named LRandall,
Shot sparks like a big Roman candle,
He was much in demand,
For the colors were grand,
But most girls found him too hot to handle.
-=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=-
Young Angie likes lifting her dress,
And removing her panties to press,
In a manner obscene,
'Gainst the washing machine,
To relieve all her work-a-day stress.
-=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=-
There was a young fellow from Yale,
Whose face was exceedingly pale...
He spent his vacation,
In self-masturbation,
Because of the high price of tail.
-=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=-
There was a young woman from Wild,
Who kept herself quite undefiled,
By thinking of Jesus...
Contagious diseases....
And the bother of having a child.
-=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=-
There was a young lady named Gloria,
Who was goosed by Sir Oswald Du Maurier...
And then by six men,
Sir Oswald again,
And the band at the Woldorf Astoria!
-=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=-
There once was a man named Hyatt,
Who's sexual habits were a riot,
From horses to hens,
To mices and mens,
If it had a hole, he would try it.
-=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=-
There was a young lady named Nelly,
Whose tits would jiggle like jelly.
They could tickle her twat,
Or be tied in a knot,
And could even swat flies on her belly!
-=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=-
A short-organed fellow named Kevin,
Used a vacuum to stretch it to seven,
Then to eight and to nine,
And thought ten was divine....
There will be film at eleven!
(via MsKitty & Original Sins)
**********************
I must have told you a zillion times, don't exaggerate!
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Sat, 6 May 2000 09:00:57 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Assorted Stuff
A Credit Card Nightmare
In March 1992 a man living in Newton near Boston, Massachusetts received
a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He
ignored it and threw itaway. In April he received another and threw that
one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very
nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send
them $0.00.
He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and
told him they'd take care of it. The following month he decided that it
was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring
that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to
his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced
his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had
been cancelled. He called the credit card company who apologized for the
computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The
next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.
Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous
day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that
the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay
his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.
Finally giving in he thought he would play the company at their own game
and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his
account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the
credit card company nothing atall. A week later, the man's bank called
him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a
lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused
their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process
ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for
$0.00 was causing thecomputer to crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the credit card
company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them
$0.00 and unless he sent a check they would be taking steps to recover
the debt. The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer
for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.
============================================================================
The Truth Is Out There!
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours
of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs
and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree
again, jumped, and fellto the ground. The turtle tried again and again
while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I
think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Sat, 6 May 2000 09:07:23 -0400
From: Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic <a018967t@BC.SEFLIN.ORG>
Subject: Limerick
Bigamy, they say, is a vice,
And more than one spouse is not nice,
But one is a bore,
I'd prefer three or four,
And the plural of spouse is spice?
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Sat, 6 May 2000 11:31:22 -0600
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Pull it out!!!
I am sure you can imagine, it's as simple as can be.
A place like Piccadilly, the players he and she.
She whispers, "Will it hurt me?" "Of course not," answers he.
"It's a very simple process, you can rely on me."
She says "I'm rather frightened, I've not done it before.
But still I think I'll like it, when it's over not before.
He started to convince her, it would not hurt a bit.
So finally she consented, and so he started it.
It was ten minutes later, neither spoke a word.
It was she who broke the silence, her voice was rather slurred.
"It's getting rather painful," the tears were in her eyes.
"It's loosened quite a bit, it must be quite a size."
"Now calm yourself my dear," his face betrayed a grin.
"Just a little wider, so I can get it in."
"It's coming" he told her, "I know" she said in bliss.
He said "You'll feel more comfortable, when I've finished this."
Suddenly at that moment, she gave a frightful shout.
"It's all over now" she murmured, "Thank God you've pulled it out!"
Now that you have read this carefully, it's a Dentist you will find.
It's not what you've been thinking, that's just your dirty little
mind!!
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Sat, 6 May 2000 11:53:08 +0100
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: It's A Wacky World! #86
Postal service, employee battling over lengthy fingernails.
ST. PETERSBURG, Florida (AP) -- A Postal Service supervisor has taken a
medical leave, claiming that she is stressed out after being ordered to cut
her fingernails.
Lolita Dash recently went on leave after her bosses said her inch-long
nails violated the local postmaster's rule that nails can't extend more
than a quarter-inch beyond the fingertip.
"Why should the focus be on nails and not mail?" said Dash, 36, a customer
service supervisor who has worked for the post office since 1986. "I have
been working with them safely."
Dash, who once had 5-inch thumbnails and took up to two hours to paint and
decorate her nails, says her problems began in 1995, when a new postmaster
instituted the rule, citing safety concerns. She cut her nails the next
year.
"I was in tears the whole time," she said. "It felt like cutting off a
part of my finger."
She soon let her nails grow to about an inch long, but there were no
problems for a few years. But in March, her bosses began disciplinary
proceedings. Within days, she went on medical leave and has not returned --
even though she had
her nails cut to conform to the rule.
No one had been injured because of long nails, but "it's more of a case of
preventative safety," said Gary Sawtelle, a postal service spokesman.
Six other female employees with long fingernails had theirs measured. One
was found in violation and ordered to cut them.
Dash said the rule infringes upon employees' personal choices.
"It's more than fingernails," she said."It's the principle."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index