Digest for Thursday, June 01, 2000

There are 8 messages totalling 319 lines in this issue. 




Topics of the day:
  1. Cosmetic Surgery???
  2. PC Terms "Unplugged"
  3. Cooks Dictionary
  4. The novice journalist
  5. The drummer
  6. Science Headlines
  7. Two engines
  8. Adjustments 


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Date:    Thu, 1 Jun 2000 06:52:20 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Cosmetic Surgery???

A California cosmetic surgery practice is opening a new office
where breast augmentation surgery is done on an outpatient
basis in about 30 minutes.

They are going to call the practice "Jiffy Boob."

[Thanks to Irismist]

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Thu, 1 Jun 2000 07:10:13 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: PC Terms "Unplugged"

 It says: "Press Any Key"
 It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."

 It says: "Press A Key"
 (This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the "A"
  key.)

 It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no.
           1A4-2546512430E"
 It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be
            told that it's a hardware problem."

 It says: "Installing program to C:\<Directory>...."
 It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and
            c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them."

 It says: "Please insert disk 11"
 It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."

 It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...."
 It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..."

 It says: "Please Wait...."
 It means: "... Indefinitely."

 It says: "Directory does not exist...."
 It means: ".... any more. Whoops."

 It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."
 It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your
            work back."

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Date:    Thu, 1 Jun 2000 07:54:14 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Cook's Dictionary

A Cook's Dictionary
    ----------------

Oven Mitt: A partially charred grease stain that fits over the hand.

Picnic: Any meal eaten more than 100 yards from the nearest bathroom.

Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients
you forgot to buy in utensils you don't own to make a dish the dog won't
eat the rest of.

Sugar: One of a class of carbohydrates present in one form or another
in all foods.  Common sources of sugar and the types they contain are:
fructose and glucose (fruit juice and honey); lactose (milk); sucrose
(sugar cane or sugar beets); maltose (malt); and jocose, verbose,
morose, lachrymose, bellicose, and comatose (alcohol).

Taste: 1) The ability to distinguish between, say, tripes a la mode de Caen
and chocolate pudding.  2) The critical discernment necessary to choose
the chocolate pudding.

Timer: Adjustable clock that rings or otherwise signals when a particular
dish is overcooked.

    ( from Laura Soule via TheChef @ wwrecipes.com )
       http://wwrecipes.com

**************************
If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?

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Date:    Thu, 1 Jun 2000 09:58:42 -0400
From:    Jimmy Farrar <jfarrar@UZUNCASE.COM>
Subject: The novice journalist

A young man graduated from the University of Arkansas with a degree in
journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was
to write a human interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went back
to the country to do his research. He went to an old farmer's house way
back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer and proceeded to
explain to him why he was there.

The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that
made you happy?"

The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of
my neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all
screwed it and took it back home."

"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of
anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people
happy?"

After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's
daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse
that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back
home."

Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has
anything ever happened around here that made you sad?"

The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a few
seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once."

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Date:    Thu, 1 Jun 2000 12:47:48 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: The drummer

A drummer, tired of being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how
to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks
in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over
there and that accordion." The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and
replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to
stay".  --Thanks to Paul Benwah :-)

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Date:    Thu, 1 Jun 2000 14:32:50 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Science Headlines

These were passed along by a list member who usually pretends that this sort of
intellectual humor is supercilious, but understands
each and every one of them...        jhm

***********************************

HEADLINES YOU'D MOST LIKE TO SEE

New Scientist has a competition each year in which readers are
invited to let their dreams unfold and tell the world the headline they
would most like to see (in New Scientist) in the year to come.

Here are this year's winners:


Pope Joan-Paula I approves new contraceptive.
     Valerie Moyses

Indestrooktibul spel chequer virrus on rimpoge.
     Cheryl Chapman

Time travel to be discovered next year.
     J. White

Statisticians show that 80 per cent of damned lies are true.
     J. White

Found -- the gene that causes belief in genetic determinism.
     Stephen Thompson

Water into wine -- ancient catalyst rediscovered.
     Ray Heaton

I learnt touch typing in utero, says fetus.
     Helena Petre

Half-dead cat found in box -- RSCPA seeks Austrian scientist.
     Peter Rowland

Tony Blair cloned -- regional assemblies to get one each.
     George Oldham

"Dolly" Thatcher wins 10 seats in Parliament.
     Kevin Ennis

Fleischman and Pons awarded Nobel prize.
     Kevin Ennis

Mir operating manual discovered behind refrigerator
in Moscow supermarket.
     Alastair Johnson

The Universe stops expanding this week -- keew siht
gnidnapxe spots esrevinU ehT.
     Raymond Broersma

Butterflies exterminated in Sumatra -- "We WILL stop hurricanes,"
vows Clinton.
     Bonnie Ralph

Genetically spliced yeast makes old malt whisky from
remaindered books.
     Ronald Smith

Meteorite hits lottery winner.
     Patrick Rowley

Fermat's last memo discovered -- "Sod the margin,
look on the other side of the page."
     Chris Moore

Goodbye Dolly -- biotechnology triumph mown down by tourist's car.
     Richard Collender

"Face" on Mars proves to be optical illusion -- NASA now
investigating "vase" on Mars.
     Bruce Alcorn

Immune system boosted by real ale.
     Gerald Leach

Microsoft help helps.
     Mike Haslam

"Guilt" gene isolated and destroyed -- millions enjoy Christmas.
     Melissa Lewis

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Date:    Thu, 1 Jun 2000 20:24:31 -0500
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@HOME.COM>
Subject: Two engines

From: Griff Evans <griff@web-access.net>

Two Engines

A large two engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some
distance one of the engines broke down.

"No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half-power. Further
on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a
standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why
the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad
news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some
time. The good news is that this is a train and not a plane."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-   Got Mole problems? Call Avogadro: 6.02 x 10^23

Get paid to surf the net.  Join All Advantage.
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Date:    Fri, 2 Jun 2000 09:28:12 +0530
From:    chaps <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Adjustments <clean>

Albert walks in to his doctor's office for his yearly physical exam as
he has done the same time every year that the can remember.
The doctor takes him through all of the motions, does the normal tests
and then leaves to get the results.
After about 15 minutes the doctor returns with  a very sad look on his face.

"Well Doc, what kind of shape am I in this time?" , Albert asks.

"Albert, I don't know what to say. The news is bad. Really bad." says the
doctor.

"What is it Doc?" asks Albert.

"I hate to have to give you such bad news. I can't find the words to tell
you. I really don't know what to say."

Albert, being a strong man who appreciates straight talk, tells the doctor:
"Ok, don't beat around the bush. Tell me what you know. I can take it".

"Well", says the doctor, "let me put it this way. I think that you should
go to Arkansas and visit the hot springs there for a nice relaxing mud bath.
Spend some time soaking in the mud."

"Oh, so I need to relax a little bit, eh? Will that cure me Doc?" asks
Albert.

"No Albert, it won't cure you. And it won't help you relax. But it will
help you get used to being covered in dirt."

Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)

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