Digest for Friday, June 02, 2000
There are 6 messages totalling 434 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Movie Ratings Explained
- Buying A Bathing Suit
- A Psychological Christmas
- Cest la vin -- Dont blame me, Im drunk.
- Chainsaw Marching Bands
- "Puns of the Weak" 6-2-00
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Date: Fri, 2 Jun 2000 01:05:27 -0600
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Movie Ratings Explained
AMERICAN MOVIE RATING SYSTEM EXPLAINED
G: Nobody gets the girl.
PG: The Good Guy Gets The Girl.
R: The Bad Guy Gets The Girl.
X: Everybody Gets The Girl.
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Date: Fri, 2 Jun 2000 06:47:08 -0400
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Buying A Bathing Suit
I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and
humiliation known as buying a bathing costume. When I was a
child in the 1950s the bathing costume for a woman with a mature
figure was designed for a woman with a mature figure-boned,
trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were
built to hold back and uplift and they did a darn good job.
Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl
with a figure chipped from marble.
The mature woman has a choice she can either front up at the
maternity department and try on a floral costume with a skirt,
coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's
Fantasia, or she can wander around every run of the mill department
store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a
designer range of rubber bands.
What choice did I have?
I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the
chamber of horrors known as the fitting room.
The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength
of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was
developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a
slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to
actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark
attacks.
The reason for this is that a shark taking a swipe at your passing
midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.
I fought my way into the bathing costume, but as I twanged the
shoulder strap into place I gasped in horror - my bosom had
disappeared!
Eventually I found one bosom cowering under my left armpit. It
took a while to find the other.
At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.
The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The
mature woman is meant to wear her bosom spread across the chest
like a speed bump.
I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a
full view assessment.
The bathing costume fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit
those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed
out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump
of playdough wearing undersize cling wrap.
As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from,
the pre-pubescent salesgirl popped her head through the curtains
"Oh, there you are!" she said.
I asked what else she had to show me.
I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of
masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of
an oversize napkin in a serviette ring.
I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with a ragged
frill, and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane on a bad day.
I tried a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish
in mourning.
I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg, I thought
I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.
Finally I found a costume that fit. A two piece affair with
shorts-style bottoms and a halter top. It was cheap, comfortable
and bulge-friendly, so I bought it.
When I got home I read the label which said "Material may
become transparent in water," but I'm determined to wear it
anyway.
I just have to learn to breaststroke in the sand.
[Thanks to Dee Dee]
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
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Date: Fri, 2 Jun 2000 07:06:18 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: A Psychological Christmas
SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do you Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
We Three Queens Disoriented Are
DEMENTIA:
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas
NARCISSISTIC:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and
Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire
Hydrants
and...
PARANOID:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry,
I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you Why.
DEPRESSION:
Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock....
........(better start again)
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took
it all away).
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.
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Date: Fri, 2 Jun 2000 07:54:39 -0400
From: Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: C'est la vin -- Don't blame me, I'm drunk.
Le Bun Mot
The following were winners in a New York Magazine contest
in which contestants were to take a well-known expression in
a foreign language, change a single letter, and provide a
definition for the new expression.
HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?
Can you drive a French motorcycle?
EX POST FUCTO
Lost in the mail
IDIOS AMIGOS
We're wild and crazy guys!
VENI, VIPI, VICI
I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered.
COGITO EGGO SUM
I think; therefore I am a waffle.
RIGOR MORRIS
The cat is dead.
RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID
Honk if you're Scottish.
QUE SERA SERF
Life is feudal.
LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI
The king is dead. No kidding.
POSH MORTEM
Death styles of the rich and famous
PRO BOZO PUBLICO
Support your local clown.
MONAGE A TROIS
I am three years old.
FELIX NAVIDAD
Our cat has a boat.
HASTE CUISINE
Fast French food
VENI, VIDI, VICE
I came, I saw, I partied.
QUIP PRO QUO
A fast retort
ALOHA OY
Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should never know.
MAZEL TON
Tons of luck
APRES MOE LE DELUGE
Larry and Curly got wet.
PORTE-KOCHERE
Sacramental wine
ICH LIEBE RICH
I'm really crazy about having dough.
FUI GENERIS
What's mine is mine.
VISA LA FRANCE
Don't leave your chateau without it.
CA VA SANS DIRT
And that's not gossip.
MERCI RIEN
Thanks for nothin'!
AMICUS PURIAE
Platonic friend
L'ETAT, C'EST MOO
I'm bossy around here.
( thanks, R!! )
*****************
This is not real life.
This is a UNIVERSE(tm) v0.9 Beta test site.
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Date: Fri, 2 Jun 2000 17:28:07 -0400
From: Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Chainsaw Marching Bands <humor>
The He-Man Chainsaw Marching Band by jiM Mica
Ithaca, NY USA -- Some time ago the Utne Reader awarded the title of "most
enlightened city" to this charming little town in the Finger Lakes. We've
suffered because of this designation. For many Ithaca has just too high a
"granola factor." Now, however, we have a new group which will mark us as a
true city of the 21st Century.
This weekend Ithaca celebrates it annual festival -this is held each year AFTER
all the college students have left for the summer. There's (putative) art, food
and music and a big parade. Now, small town parades typically have a Shriner's
unit on tricycles, or a squad of suburbanites riding lawnmowers, instead Ithaca
has had tutu-wearing Volvos and Dilbert lookalikes. Ah, but this year -for the
second time-we will be treated to the He-Man Chainsaw Marching Band. Now the
whole world will know that, by Gawd, Ithaca is a place with both feet on the
ground!
The He-Man unit was formed by a local building contractor and the members wear
plaid shirts, jeans and work boots. They carry, and perform upon, the chainsaws
referred to in their name. I understand they also have a percussion section
featuring steel beams beat upon by sledgehammers. Why, it's enough to make your
typical fife player wet himself. But, anyone who might stereotype these He-men
as old fashioned "hard hats" would be dead wrong. They are so up-to-date they
are positively TRANS-post-modern.
The group marches under the (metaphorical) banner of "Chainsaws for Justice" and
believe that they have the "ideal tool for cutting through red tape." The
leaders claim that they came up with the idea for the group while admiring
Martha Stewart gardening gloves at the local discount store. Finally, this is a
group that completely transcends the whole confused arena of relations among
(sic) the genders: when a smart-mouthed woman reporter asked them if a woman
could ever join the He-Man Chainsaw Marching Band, the leaders said sure, "If
she's a He-Man."
He-Men you may start your small engines!
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Date: Fri, 2 Jun 2000 22:54:46 -0700
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: "Puns of the Weak" 6-2-00
•What's the difference between chilly lasses and blonde ringlets? Chilly
lasses are cold girls while blonde ringlets are gold curls. (Lederer)
•"Am I a fish or an egg?" asks the salmon's progeny. Answers its mother,
"Roe, roe, roe, you're both." (The International Save the Pun Foundation)
•“Full mooning can be very revealing," said Tom embarrassed. (Stan Kegel)
*What's the difference between a fisherman and a lazy schoolboy? A
fisherman baits his hooks, while a lazy schoolboy hates his books.
(Lederer)
•"I see what you're saying," said Tom the blind carpenter as he picked up
his hammer and saw. (Dave Campbell)
•A wedding ring is like a tourniquet. It cuts off your circulation!(A. Drum)
•How does the IRS describe a day at work? Taxing (The Placebo Page):
•A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a
little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you
wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder." (Ron Klar)
•Atrophy: What every athlete longs for (Ray Hand)
•What safety features do medicine bottles in Florida have? They have
Tampa-proof caps (By Lars Hanson)
•Fireproof: the boss's relatives. (L. R. Thoennes)
•Hawaii: The place where men make passes at girls who wear grasses
•You can lead a horse to water, but, a pencil must be lead. (Aiken Drun)
•Those who polish cars so that they shine work in a buffer zone. (POTD)
•Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease! (Aiken Drum)
•The story that an Irishman invented the microphone is a patent mike
story. (John S. Crosbie)
•I was working in an insurance office when a prospective client asked for
a quote on business-libility coverage. When I found out the client owned
and operated a nude-dancer's club, I checked on whether we'd cover such
an establishment. An underwriter declined the risk, explaining in a
memo, "Too much exposure." (Julie Benitez)
•Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. (Jack Handy)
•When Mama Haydn came home from the market, she couldn't find her
husband, although she was sure he was in the house. "Where are you,
Haydn?" she called. (Leon)
•The tidal wave came as a big surf rise. (John Fenn)
•I misplaced my dictionary. Now I'm at a loss for words. (Renee)
•Income tax-time is when you test your powers of deduction. (S Friedman)
•I spilled some yoghurt by the kitchen sink, and accidently got it all
over my hands. I guess you could say that I'm into counterculture. (S Jacobson)
•We embryos are hungry. Please fetus. (Win Ben Stein’s Money)
•Actor Sylvester Stallone, 53, says he has written the script for ‘Rocky
VI.’ In one scene, they ask Rocky what he wears under his boxing shorts,
and he says, “Depends.” (Alex Kaseberg)
•I witnessed a robbery in a fabric factory and immediately called the
police. They caught the culprit and held me as a material witness.
•Gigolo: Fee Male (John Crosbie)
•Neighborhood dogs can turn a field into a "barking lot." (Jumble)
•The member of that Swedish rock group died and was brought back to life
by a magic spell? He was an ABBA cadaver. (Gary Hallock)
•Always guard your rear while you're in the hospital You're in enema
country. (Gag-O-Matic)
•“My raft has caught fire,” Tom yelled flamboyantly. (P. C. Swanson)
•What state might Rodgers & Hammerstein think is a good state to go for a
ride in? Missouri with the fringe on top (By Cynthia MacGregor)
•What's the difference between an adorable glove and a silent baby cat?
An adorable glove is a cute mitten and a silent baby cat is a mute
kitten. (By Richard Lederer)
•I thought my headaches were due to my allergy to milk, but the doctor
seems to think it was my grain. (Stan Kegel)
•With most funnies available on the internet, do you still watch paper
view comics. (Megan Waves)
•The first illuminated golf course was opened for people who liked
swinging nightclubs. (Art. Moger)
•A new car has been designed especially for the Los Angeles rush hour.
It's called a stationary wagon. (Bad Puns)
•An impressionable New England college girl fell in love, and dropped out
of school to marry her young love. She wrote her parents that she had
put the heart before the course. (Bill Stebbins)
•On my keyboard, there is a curly character on the upper left corner key.
I call it my "Disney" key, since I can say that Walt's in my tilde. (CCHB000)
•The first army dental unit had a very good drill team. (Bob Weaver)
•What did the customer at the seafood restaurant say to the cook? Don't
fry for me, aging tuna (Ken Pinkham)
•The conductor asked the piano player if he could do the "Halleluiah
Chorus." The Pianist replied, "Yes, I think I can 'Handel' it. (Dano)
•Gossip: Someone with a great sense of rumor (L. R. Thoennes)
•What do you call a Girl Guide in Belgium? A Brussels Scout. (Dave Coble)
•I can't help but constantly razz my friend John as he is always trying
to pull the wool over his wife's eyes but has never been able to come up
with a good yarn. (L. R. Thoennes)
•Agenda: What separates the boys from the girls. (TISTPF)
•My Ozarkan uncle had a pet aardvark which he taught to eat fire ants. It
became famous over the years in the county and when he'd be out walking
it, folks would stop and ask, "Is that your fine ole antser?” (By Karen Hamilton)
•The Miss Hawaii contest is judged on beauty, grace, and poi's. (Ben Stein)
•Animal activist Bo Derek was horrified to learn that the queen of
England wears antique sable coats. When she confronted the queen at a
recent London affair, Elizabeth responded haughtily: "Some wear old fur
to reign, Bo." (By Chris Doyle)
•Back in the dark ages, Nero instituted a new game. They would take those
little disks you set your glass on in order to protect the furniture,
and see who could get the most distance rolling them across the floor.
They were the first roller coasters. (By Dano)
•They would bet who could roll the farthest with circular iron discs,
They called them ferrous wheels. (By Stan Kegel)
•If you mixed some herbs in with soap power, it would immediately vanish.
After All, thyme and Tide wait for no man. (Steve Jacobson)
•"I've discovered the thermocouple which turns heat back into
electricity!" Tom announced revoltingly. (Ken Shurget)
•Shepherds sometimes have staff meetings. (Pun of the Day)
•Broadcaster during golf tournment: "Arnie, usually a great putter, seems
to be having trouble with his long putts. However, he has no trouble
dropping his shorts." (The Oregonian)
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