Digest for Sunday, June 04, 2000

Topics of the day:

1. Stubby Tails (Puns)
2. Zoo Visit
3. Weird Business News #26 (2nd of 3)
4. Jerry Falwells New Crusade
5. A Case at The Doctors
6. Sea Monsters (Pun)

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Date:    Sun, 4 Jun 2000 01:37:20 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Stubby Tails (Puns)

        Maggie Thatcher went to see the doctor about a painful boil. The doctor
told his nurse to administer a local anesthetic and let him know when
she was ready for treatment. When the nurse returned, the doctor said:
"Is Thatcher fine? I'll lance her." (By Chris Doyle, Burke, Va.)

        Intrigued by rumors that a group of Tennessee Jews has been
successfully marketing a brand of chewing tobacco, kosher food giant
Manischewitz sends somneone to investigate. He approaches a group of men
loitering outside a Baptist church, spitting into cans, and he asks:
"Pardon me, goys, is that the Chattanooga Jews' chew?" (By Charles Frick)

        Three statisticians go deer hunting with bows and arrows. They spot a
big buck and take aim. One shoots, and his arrow flies off ten feet to
the left. The second shoots, and his arrow goes ten feet to the right.
The third statistician jumps up and down yelling, "We got him! We got
him!" (Renee from Napa)

        Dr. Richard Gordon tells, in his book called "Doctors at Large," of the
day a gawky, teen-age girl came to his office, complaining that she
coughed so steadily at night she couldn't sleep. Dr Gordon asked her to
strip, then put the stethoscope on her chest.
        "Now, then," he commanded, "big breaths!"
        The girl nodded proudly and agreed, "Yeth, thir; and I'm only
thixteen!" (By Bnnett Cerf)

        My son works at a casino. One evening when he was running the roulette
table a fly landed on a number. One of the players noticed and put his
money on that number. After my son spun the wheel and there were no
winners, he turned to the disappointed bettor and said, "It must have
been a house fly." (Carol DeRosier)

        A leopard went to see an optometrist because he thought he needed an
eye exam.
        "Every time I look at my wife," he worriedly told the optometrist, "I
see spots before my eyes."
        "So what's to worry about?" replied the doctor. "You're a leopard,
aren't you?"
        "What's that got to do with anything?" replied the patient. "My wife is
a zebra."

        A Scotsman was visiting a friend in the mountains of Canada. The first
morning in the cabin, he awoke and stood by the window admiring the
scenery. Suddenly, he noticed a huge animal walk by.
        "Och, whut's thaaat?" he said.
        His Canadian friend looked out the window and said,
        "Oh, that's a moose."
        "Och! If thaaat's a moose, hoo big are your cats aroond here?"

        I noticed the neighbor down the street was home every day, so after a
few weeks I asked him what was going on. He replied, "I left my job
because of illness and fatigue."
        A few weeks later, his wife gave mine the real truth of what happened.
Turns out my neighbor's boss got sick and tired of him.

        My neighbor Bill had a very proud looking tree in his front yard which
he often referred to as a pompous tree. Last week, the tree turned dark
gray and died.
        When I asked him what happened, he replied, "It shouldn't have
forgotten its roots.

        A man with no arms walks into a bank with a stocking over his head and
a Coca-Cola tote bag hanging around his neck. He goes up to the first
teller and says, "This is a stickup. Put all your money in this bag."
        The teller gets a frightened look of panic on her face as she leans
over the counter and begins stuffing money into the bag.
        The man says to her, "Don't worry, Miss, I'm unarmed.

        I sent my best friend, who is one month older then me, a not-so-subtle
jab at his turning 40 by means of a gift-wrapped CD by the popular
British Reggae group UB40.
        A month later he sent me my own birthday gift--the latest release from
the Irish rock group U2. (John Davis)

        I was working in an insurance office when a prospective client asked
for a quote on business-libility coverage. When I found out the client
owned and operated a nude- dancer's club, I checked on whether we'd
cover such an establishment.
        An underwriter declined the risk, explaining in a memo, "Too much
exposure." (Julie Benitez)

        Local Resident James Carney convicted last week of fraud and
embezzlement charges in Anchorage, is preparing to sue the state of
Alaska on humanitarian charges, claiming that the prison is not
propperly heated. Inmates at the prison where Carney is housed have
begun calling him "The Chilly Con Carney" (By Brad Williams)

        One day at the food bank where I work, 20 boxes of cabbage came in. A
new staff member was advised by Arty, a longtime volunteer, to lift them
from the bottom. Within seconds, however, the staff members tried to
pick up a box from the siides. The bottom fell out, spilling cabbages
all across the toom. "Next time, lift from the bottom," Arty admonished,
"or heads will roll." (By Peggy McWood)

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Date:    Sun, 4 Jun 2000 08:52:18 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Zoo Visit

Two young nuns having just been ordained were on a holiday in
New York City and were standing in front of the gorilla cage at
the Bronx Zoo.

The gorilla took one look at this beautiful young nun, bent the
bars, leapt to the ground and pumped her like crazy. Then he went
back into his cage, straightened the bars and resumed thumping on
his massive chest.

The young nun got up off the ground, straightened and dusted her
clothes, turned to her companion and said,"We shall never talk
about this, agreed?" The other young nun consented.

Twenty five years later the two nuns, who had stayed close friend,
were out having coffee, when all of the sudden, the second nun
asked her friend," I know I agreed never to talk about the event
at the zoo but I have one question."

The other nun stared and said,"O.K., one question!"

The other nun stammered, then asked,   "Did it hurt?"

"Did it hurt?  Oh yes it hurt!  He never called... never
phoned... he never sent flowers...!"

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Sun, 4 Jun 2000 09:53:54 -0300
From:    Ken Brousseau Sr <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Weird Business News #26  (2nd of 3)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  A hot e-mail ad, indeed Great Moments in Advertising. The television
advertising for Microsoft's Internet Explorer e-mail program uses
music from Mozart's Requiem. Onthe screen you see the line, "Where do
you wantto go today?" In the background a chorus sings in Latin. The
translation? "The damned and accursed are consigned to the flames of
hell."

  Cheap Thrill for Mom. The American Stroke Association recommended
that for Mother's Day you give her a bottle of aspirin. Taking one a
day

  Our Gag Me With Cute Award to the Royal Soap Co. of Dallas. For
Easter, it put out a line of brightly colored soaps with such names
as Snuggle Bunny, Pink Chick, Yellow Chick and Sunrise.

  Travel Weekly, a publication aimed at travel agents, relays the
following story from Brian Buss, a Raleigh, N.C., agent. Buss had a
shy woman client who sat in the bulkhead first row of an airplane
with her infant in a bassinet on the floor in front of her. A flight
attendant, not noticing its contents, briskly swept up the bassinet
with baby and placed it in the overhead bin. It was some time after
the plane was airborne before the mother could pluck up the courage
to ask if she could have her baby back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Date:    Sun, 4 Jun 2000 20:44:59 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Jerry Falwell's New Crusade

 The Reverend Jerry Falwell recently claimed that Tinky Winky, from the
 Teletubbies children's television show, was "clearly a fount of gayness."
 His reasoning is because the character is purple (a "gay" colour), has an
 antenna in a triangle shape (a "gay" symbol) and he carries a purse.
 However, as I see it, Falwell's work is far from over.


 FRED FLINTSTONE

 Evidence: His nickname on the Bedrock Bowling Team is "Twinkle-Toes," the
 show's theme song ends with the phrase, "We'll have a gay old time," he
 wears a little orange dress with triangles on it and he hangs out with
 Barney more than Wilma.


 BUGS BUNNY

 Evidence: He often stands with his hand on his hip, he played a
 hairdresser in one episode, he frequently dresses in drag and he loves
 to throw on a top hat and tails while belting out Broadway show tunes
 with his buddy Daffy, who, it's worth noting, speaks with an obvious
 lisp.


 VELMA (of Scooby Doo)

 Evidence: She always tries to sit next to Daphne in the van, she sports
 an obvious butch haircut, she has broad shoulders, she is always wearing
 a thick turtleneck sweater and knee socks and she never once attempted
 to shag Shaggy.


 POPEYE

 Evidence: He eats lots of salads, wears a sailor suit even though he
 hasn't been on a ship in years, frequently does little sailor dances,
 dates a flat-chested transvestite named Olive Oyl and his best friend is
 named Wimpy.


 BATMAN & ROBIN

 Evidence: Robin's nickname is "Boy Wonder," Batman's real name is
 "Bruce," they both wear tights and they both in great shape.


 PEPPERMINT PATTY

 Evidence: She has a deep, gravelly voice, she always wears pants and not
 dresses like all the rest of the Peanuts girls, she plays a mean game of
 football, she is always hanging out with the very androgynous Marcie, she
 always wears comfortable shoes and her nickname is "Sir."


 PINK PANTHER:

 'Nuff said.

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Date:    Mon, 5 Jun 2000 10:10:26 +0530
From:    chaps <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: A Case at The Doctors' <clean>

It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the
emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony.  Doctor Green
came over to see him.

"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in
court when you accused me of malpractice."

"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?"

"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."

"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't
know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"

"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."

"What are you talking about?"

"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew
everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."

"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."

"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns
out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"

"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."

"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer
Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr.
Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it
when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occurred to you my client could have an
Excedrin headache?' Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.'
Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "

"Why are you reading that to me?"

"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making
a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..."

"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."

"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken
sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."

"Then get me another doctor."

"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that
after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office.
This is the only place that I can practice."

"If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally
appeal your case to a higher court."

"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for
a kidney stone."

"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by
looking at him."

"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when
you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize
into stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher
of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going
to be in a lot of pain.' "

"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my
ounce of Demerol?"

"I better check you out first."

"Don't check me out, just give the dope."

"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had
examined the patient completely.  It would be negligent of me if I didn't
do it now.  Do you mind getting up on the scale?"

"What for?"

"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued
and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."

"I'm not going to sue you."

"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ
after you pass the kidney stone?"

Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)

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Date:    Sun, 4 Jun 2000 22:25:40 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Sea Monsters (Pun)

        Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for
something to do. They came up underneath a ship that was hauling
potatoes. Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped
it over and ate everything on the ship.

        A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling
potatoes. Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything onboard.

        The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Bob once again
capsized it and ate everything.

        Finally his buddy Bill asked him, "Why do you keep tipping over those
ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?"

        Bob replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help myself once I
start. Everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship."

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