Digest for Monday, June 05, 2000

There are 5 messages totalling 256 lines in this issue. 




Topics of the day:
  1. At The Airport
  3. Weird Business News #26 (3rd of 3)
  4. Limericks
  5. The Big Decision 


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Date:    Mon, 5 Jun 2000 06:43:39 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: At The Airport

At the airport for a family holiday, a man and his family settled
down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then they
heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize
for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from
Gate 41."

So the man and his family picked up their luggage and carried it
over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice
told them that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.

So again they gathered their carry-on luggage and returned to the
original gate.

Just as they were settling down, the public address voice spoke
again: "Sorry for the inconvenience, but thank you for
participating in Delta's physical fitness program."

          =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

During the "rush hour" at Houston's Hobby Airport, a flight
was delayed due to a mechanical problem.  Since they needed
the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from
the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it.

Everyone was then told the new gate number, which was some
distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find
that a third gate had been designated for them. After some further
shuffling, everyone got on board, and as they were settling in, the
flight attendant made the standard announcement,

"We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate
change.  This flight is going to Washington, D.C.  If your
destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane'
at this time."

A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the
cockpit, carrying his bags.  "Sorry," he said, "wrong plane."

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Mon, 5 Jun 2000 07:08:42 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: <No subject given>

 All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, over nine
 months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when
 cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby
 instead.

 Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to
 develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already
 assigned elsewhere in the female. Recent tests have shown that these
 cells are removed from the communications center of the brain, migrate
 lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs.

 If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards,
 this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak. And some
 of their cards are in their shorts. This difference between the male and
 female brain manifests itself in various ways.

 Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little
 boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their
 heads and running into walls. Little girls will think about doing things
 before taking any action. Little boys will just punch or kick something
 and will look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their
 little brother who was half asleep and looking the other way.

 This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the
 hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins.

 After puberty not only the size of the male and female brains differ but
 the center of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male
 thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells
 reside. Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In
 some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left
 with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull,
 sexually speaking.

 Such men are known in medical terms as "Republicans." Other men suffer
 larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as
 "Democrats." A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to
 their groins. These men are usually referred to as......"Mr. President."

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Date:    Mon, 5 Jun 2000 10:00:37 -0300
From:    Ken Brousseau Sr <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Weird Business News #26  (3rd of 3)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Emancipating guilt The Heartfelt Apologies, Slightly Delayed Award
to Aetna, the nation's largest health insurer, which recently
apologized for selling policies in the 1850s that reimbursed slave
owners for financial losses when their slaves died.

 An Accountant's Idea of a Sentence. "PetroCore will ultimately
provide statement exchange, interest-owner information access and
management, online access to audit information, alarms, real-time
collaboration and historical information access tools across the
entire upstream value chain including land, drilling, division order,
marketing, joint venture accounting, revenue accounting and
production operations."

 The Art and Hollywood Award to the producer of the movie My Dog
Skip. "It's light family fare," he said, "but you can make a lot of
money with a good dog picture."

 The computer industry continues to enrich our language. Or debase
it, according to how to you feel. Here are examples as collected by
the New York Times:

· Ping. To contact, as in, "I don't know where he is. Why don't you ping him."

· RLH. E-mail signoff. "Run Like Hell."

· MYM. Meet your milestones. "On this project it's sink or mym."

 From a Washington Post contest in which baby boomers were asked to
tell their children how hard it was in the old days. "In my day, we
didn't have handheld calculators. We had to add on our fingers. To
subtract, we had to amputate."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Date:    Mon, 5 Jun 2000 11:51:49 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Limericks <adult!!>

There once was a girl named Irene,
Who lived on distilled kerosene,
        But she started absorbin',
        A new hydrocarbon,
And since then has never benzine.
   --  --  --  --  --  --  --  --  --
There was a young Scot in Madrid,
Who got fifty-five lays for a quid,
        When they said, "Are you faint?"
        He replied, "No, I ain't,
But I don't feel as good as I did."
   --  --  --  --  --  --  --  --  --
A well-partied co-ed named Dawn,
When asked what conclusion she'd drawn,
        Said, "I was having a ball...
        But I just can't recall,
This tattoo... or where all my pubic hair's gone!!"
   --  --  --  --  --  --  --  --  --
Undressing a maiden called Sue,
Her seducer exclaimed, "If it's true,
        That a nipple a day,
        Keeps the doctor away,
Think how healthy you must be with two!"
   --  --  --  --  --  --  --  --  --
Even though he's endowed like a pinky,
He always has dates, Willee Winkie...
        If you ask any miss,
        "Well, where did he kiss?"
They'll just blush and say "Somewhere that's stinky."
   --  --  --  --  --  --  --  --  --
The bribe that young streetwalker Stover,
Employs as a sexual rover,
        Is to hand-job police,
        As she gives one release,
She will giggle, "My cop runneth over!"
   --  --  --  --  --  --  --  --  --
A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd,
Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred,
        Had achieved some renown...
        For her tone going down...
There's a nice civil tongue in her head.
   --  --  --  --  --  --  --  --  --
Maury's testicles groaned and said, "Ouch!",
As he fondled young Jane on the couch.
        Said the left, "I feel blue",
        Said the right one, "Me too",
As they jiggled around in their pouch.
   --  --  --  --  --  --  --  --  --

"Dear Dad, you are getting quite old;
Your assets, I think, should be sold,
        And given to me,
        So that you can be free,
To live out those years they call gold."

     "Dear son, there's no reason to fret;
     I haven't got Alzheimer's yet;
             I'll do it my way,
             'Till it's all pissed away;
     Not one nickel or dime will you get!"

   --  --  --  --  --  --  --  --  --
There was a young fellow named Bliss,
Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
        For even with Venus,
        His recalcitrant penis,
Would never do better than
t
h
i
s
.


   (via MsKitty & Original Sins)

*************************
Send today for your free Massachusetts Vacation Guide magazine....

I'm NOT gonna tell you whose picture that is on the cover, but you can
see actual faces (one handsome, bearded) on page 2 at the bottom.

         http://www.massvacation.com/getaway.html

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Date:    Tue, 6 Jun 2000 09:34:42 +0530
From:    chaps <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: The Big Decision <clean>

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said,
"You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or
ask me?"

"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."

Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)

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