Digest for Tuesday, June 06, 2000

Topics of the day:

1. RESERVATIONS OF AN AIRLINE AGENT
2. Quotes
3. Summer In S. Jawjuh
4. Humor: Drunk joke
5. Weird Business News #27
6. Chemistry Set

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Date:    Tue, 6 Jun 2000 06:48:19 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: RESERVATIONS OF AN AIRLINE AGENT

Reservations Of An Airline Agent
(After Surviving 130,000 Calls From The Traveling Public)
By: Jonathan Lee -- The Washington Post

     I work in a central reservation office of an airline company.
After more than 130,000 conversations -- all ending with "Have a
nice day and thanks for calling" -- I think it's fair to say that
I'm a survivor.
     I've made it through all the calls from adults who didn't know
the difference between a.m. and p.m., from mothers of military
recruits who didn't trust their little soldiers to get it right,
from the woman who called to get advice on how to handle her teen-
age daughter, from the man who wanted to ride inside the kennel
with his dog so he wouldn't have to pay for a seat, from the woman
who wanted to know why she had to change clothes on our flight
between Chicago and Washington (she was told she'd have to make a
change between the two cities) and from the man who asked if I'd
like to discuss the existential humanism that emanates from the
soul of Habeeb.
     In five years, I've received more than a boot camp education
regarding the astonishing lack of awareness of our American
citizenry.  This lack of awareness encompasses every region of the
country, economic status, ethnic background, and level of
education.  My battles have included everything from a man not
knowing how to spell the name of the town he was from, to
another not recognizing the name of "Iowa" as being a state, to
another who thought he had to apply for a foreign passport to fly
to West Virginia.
     They are the enemy and they are everywhere.  In the history
of the world there has never been as much communication and new
things to learn as today.  Yet, after asking a woman from New York
what city she wanted to go to in Arizona, she asked "Oh...is it a
big place?"
     I talked to a woman in Denver who had never heard of
Cincinnati, a man in Minneapolis who didn't know there was more
than one city in the South ("wherever the South is"), a woman in
Nashville who asked, "Instead of paying for my ticket, can I just
donate the money to the National Cancer Society?", and a man in
Dallas who tried to pay for his ticket by sticking quarters in the
pay phone he was calling from.
     I knew a full invasion was on the way when, shortly after
signing on, a man asked if we flew to exit 35 on the New Jersey
Turnpike.  Then a woman asked if we flew to area code 304.  And I
knew I had been shipped off to the front when I was asked, "When
an airplane comes in, does that mean it's arriving or departing?"
I remembered the strict training we had received -- four weeks of
regimented classes on airline codes, computer technology, and
telephone behavior -- and it allowed for no means of retaliation.
We were told, "it's real hell out there and ya got no defense.
You're going to hear things so silly you can't even make 'em up.
You'll try to explain things to your friends that you don't even
believe yourself, and just when you think you've heard it all,
someone will ask if they can get a free round-trip ticket to
Europe by reciting 'Mary Had a Little Lamb'."
     It wasn't long before I suffered a direct hit from a woman who
wanted to fly to Hippopotamus, NY.  After assuring her that there
was no such city, she became irate and said it was a big city with
a big airport.  I asked if Hippopotamus was near Albany or
Syracuse.  It wasn't.  Then I asked if it was near Buffalo.
"Buffalo!" she said.  "I knew it was a big animal!"
     Then I crawled out of my bunker long enough to be confronted
by a man who tried to catch our flight in Maconga.  I told him I'd
never heard of Maconga and we certainly didn't fly to it.  But he
insisted we did and to prove it he showed me his ticket:  Macon,
GA.
     I've done nothing during my conversational confrontations to
indicate that I couldn't understand English.  But after quoting
the round-trip fare the passenger just asked for, he'll always ask:
"...Is that one-way?" I never understood why they always question
if what I just gave them is what they just asked for.  But I've
survived to direct the lost, correct the wrong, comfort the weary,
teach U.S. geography and give tutoring in the spelling and
pronunciation of American cities.  I have been told things like:
"I can't go stand-by for your flight because I'm in a wheelchair."
     I've been asked such questions as:  "I have a connecting
flight to Knoxville.  Does that mean the plane sticks to
something?" And once a man wanted to go to Illinois.  When I asked
what city he wanted to go to in Illinois, he said, "Cleveland,
Ohio."
     After 130,000 little wars of varying degrees, I'm a wise old
veteran of the communication conflict and can anticipate with
accuracy what the next move by "them" will be.
     75% won't have anything to write on.  Half will not have
thought about when they're returning.  A third won't know where
they're going; 10 percent won't care where they're going.  A few
won't care if they get back.  And James will be the first name of
half the men who call. But even if James doesn't care if he gets
to the city he never heard of; even if he thinks he has to change
clothes on our plane that may stick to something; even if he can't
spell, pronounce, or remember what city he's returning to, he'll
get there because I've worked very hard to make sure that he can.
Then with a click of the phone, he'll become a part of my past and
I'll be hoping the next caller at least knows what day it is.
     Oh, and James..."Thanks for calling and have a nice day."


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Tue, 6 Jun 2000 07:10:33 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Quotes

 "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same
  reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered
  other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."
                                ....Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show

 "I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the
  house."
       ....Zsa Zsa Gabor

 "Zsa Zsa Gabor has been married so many times she has rice marks on her
  face."
      ....Henny Youngman

 "I always wanted to be somebody but I should have been more specific."
                                                         ....Lily Tomlin

 "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
                                                        ....Lee Iacocca

 "Fiction writing is great, you can make up almost anything."
                          ....Ivana Trump, on finishing her first novel

 "The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second
  day you're off it."
                   ....Jackie Gleason

 "You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five
  miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the
  heck she is."
             ....Ellen DeGeneres

 "Have you ever noticed....anybody going slower than you is an idiot and
  anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"
                                          ....George Carlin

 "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better
  than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
   ....A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's
       paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service.
       (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

 "If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The
  literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
           ....Spencer Silver on work that led to 3-M 'Post-It' Notepads.


                      And the best one of all...


 "640K ought to be enough for anybody."
                                     .....Bill Gates, 1981

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Date:    Tue, 6 Jun 2000 10:02:15 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Summer In S. Jawjuh <adult, off to T.O.P.>

People's wearing shorts again. All 'cept me, but just in deference
to last year's request by the local Moral Decency League.
        -- The Old Perfesser
      +-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+
The old perfesser got into his grubbiest clothes on Saturday morning
and set about all the chores he'd been putting off for weeks.
He'd cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through
painting the front bricks when a woman pulled up in the driveway and
yelled out her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?"
The old perfesser thought for a second, then answered, "The lady who
lives here lets me sleep with her."
      +-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+
The old perfesser's childhood chum is now a reporter in Philadelphia.
He came a'callin' on his old buddy last week, who was busy at his side
job, proofreading for the local newspaper.
"I don't see how you do it," the old perfesser's friend said.  "How can you
drum up interest in the news when everybody in town knows what every-
body else is doing?"
"Sure they know," the old perfesser said, "but they read the newspaper
to see who got caught at it."
      +-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+

Recently, MrsPerfesser started writing a column for the local
snoozrag. She calls it, "MrsPerfessers CULTURAL CORNER".
      Here's the first installment she sent in:

ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM SHOPPING

1. Get it now. Tomorrow it might be gone.
2. If it's on sale, you need it.
3. Never ask your mother her opinion.
4. You can always take it back.
5. You'll grow into it.
6. By the time you need it, you'll lose ten pounds.
7. Never believe anyone who says, "It's really you."
8. If they're working on commission, they're lying.
9. Know when to yell, "Charge!"
10. So many malls, so little time.
11. If you put it on your credit card, it's not really
      spending money.
12. Always try to spend someone else's money first.
13. There's no such thing as compulsive shopping,
      just enthusiastic shopping.
14. Shopping is patriotic. It's good for the economy.
15. If you've still got checks, there must be money
      in the account.
16. You can always get more credit.
17. If you want it, you deserve it.

      +-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+

Some newly married friends were visiting the old and MrsPerfesser
when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three
children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband
thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second
child, I'll just have a vasectomy."
Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll
love the third one as if it's your own."
      +-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+
The stockbroker called his client and said, "Perfesser, I have good
news and bad news."
The old perfesser said, "Oh, shoot... tell me the bad news first."
The stockbroker said "Perfesser, I'm sorry, but I lost all of your
money."
The old perfesser said, "Well, what the hell's the good news?"
The stockbroker replied, "I got laid last night."
      +-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+
MrsPerfesser and Rotunda were discussing marriage, and MrsP said,
"We've been married over twenty-five years, and every night the old
perfesser has complained about the food. Not one night goes by without
him complaining about the food."
Rotunda said, "That's awful.  Don't it bother you?"
MrsPerfesser answered, "Why should I object that he doesn't like his own
cooking?"
      +-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+
In the tiny town of Valdosta, the villagers had a problem with a pack of
neighborhood dogs that roamed the trailer park at night, leaving huge
piles of dog poo in everyone's front yard.
Every morning, the neighbors would rise, go out to pick up the morning
paper, and scoop up the dog poo.  Everyone *except* for one old geezer....
that's right, you guessed it, the old perfesser!
Every morning, the old perfesser would walk out of his house with a mason
jar filled with liquid and an eye dropper, and *drop* liquid on  each of the
piles.  By mid-afternoon, every one of them piles of poo  were mysteriously
*gone!*
One day while shopping at the Piggly Wiggly, a curious neighbor happened
upon the old perfesser coming out of the store.
"Beg your pardon...  But I *have* to ask.  What is that liquid that you place on
the dog droppings each morning?"
And the old perfesser just winked, and replied,
         "Bacon grease... plain ol' bacon grease."

**************************
Did I tell you I graduated Summa Cum Loudly?
        -- The Old Perfesser

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Date:    Tue, 6 Jun 2000 10:56:39 -0500
From:    Rowe, Thomas <trowe@UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Humor:  Drunk joke

A man walks into the front door of a bar.  He is obviously drunk and
staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the
bartender for a drink.  The bartender politely informs the man that it
appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served
additional liquor.  The bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down
from the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the
same drunk stumbles in the side door of  the bar.  He wobbles up to the bar
and hollers for a drink.  The bartender comes over and - still politely if
not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab.
The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and
shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and  shaking his
head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the
bar.  He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and
belligerently orders a drink.  The bartender comes over and emphatically
reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks.  He then
tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries,
"Man! How many bars do you work at?"

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Date:    Tue, 6 Jun 2000 12:18:17 -0300
From:    Ken Brousseau Sr <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Weird Business News #27

               Briefcase: Expense account creativity pays off.

  The guy who expensed his Chicago hotel room for $2,788 after a
kielbasa sausage dinner caught on fire and nearly burned the place
down almost won. And the Texas auditor reimbursed for the rental of
an elephant to pull heavy machinery out of the mud almost took the
grand prize, too. However, the winning entry in the
funniest-expense-report contest came from the Lake Oswego, Ore.,
marketing manager who wrote off two voodoo dolls: He had bought them
to curse an industry analyst who frequently bashed his company. The
judge in the competition, Dilbert cartoonist Scott Adams, called the
voodoo doll story submitted by Dan Wolff "a wonderful blend of
inappropriate spending and malicious intent. I expect Dan Wolff to go
far in management," Adams said. Wolff wiped more than 100 other
competitors off the expense account books in a national Internet
contest. Contestants were asked to write essays of up to 150 words
describing their most creative business expense reports, and give
voice to the "cubicle-constrained workers of the world."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  Source -- San Francisco Examiner

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Date:    Wed, 7 Jun 2000 09:23:43 +0530
From:    chaps <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Chemistry Set <cleanish>

A father comes home and asks where his son is. His wife replies
that he's downstairs playing with his new chemistry set. The
father is curious so he wanders down stairs to see what his son is
doing. As he's walking down the steps he hears a banging sound.
When he gets to the bottom he sees his son pounding a nail into
the wall.

He says to his son, "What are you doing? I thought you
were playing with your chemistry set. Why are you hammering a nail
into the wall?"

His son replied, "This isn't a nail, dad, it's a worm. I put these
chemicals on it and it became hard as a rock."

His dad thought about it for a minute and said, "I'll tell you
what son, give me those chemicals and I'll give you a new
Volkswagen."

His son quite naturally said, ``Sure why not.''

The next day his son went into the garage to see his new car. Parked
in the garage was a brand new Mercedes. Just then his dad walked in.
He asked his father where his Volkswagen was.

His dad replied, "It's right there behind the Mercedes. The Mercedes is
from your mother."

Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)

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