Digest for Wednesday, June 07, 2000
There are 9 messages totalling 707 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Pediatrics
- Assorted Smiles
- Dear Dr. Laura...
- a letter to camp [may be horrific to parents]
- Snip Snip.... just like nails on a blackboard..yep i b alive(OFF to great humor buffs)
- Games for Hospital Waiting Rooms
- Elderly couple at McDonalds
- Murphys Laws: Love
- Groaners
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 7 Jun 2000 06:50:33 -0400
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Pediatrics
A four-year-old girl was at the pediatrician's office for a
check-up. As the doctor looked into her ears with an otoscope,
he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?"
The little girl stayed silent.
Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her
throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster
down there?"
Again, the little girl was silent.
Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened
to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in
here?"
Finally the girl spoke up. "Oh, no!" she replied. "Jesus is in
my heart. Barney's on my underpants."
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
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Date: Wed, 7 Jun 2000 06:55:50 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Assorted Smiles
Q: What did Mr. Spock find in the toilet?
A: The Captain's log.
==============================================================================
John Bobbit's Dick
Lorraina Bobbit was really very upset at the actions of her husband so
she cut off his penis. Below is the part of the story that you may not
have heard yet....
After she cut his dick off, she left the house with his cock in hand. She
got in her car and headed down the highway. Realizing what she had done
and realizing that she still had the swollen bloody cock of her husband
in her hand, she tossed it out the window.
The penis flew out and was taken by the wind. It hit the windshield of
the truck that was behind her. Inside the truck, there were two rednecks
that were in from a hunting trip. As the cock hit the window one turns to
the other and says, "Hey Billy Ray..." "What Cletus?" "You see the size
a' the dick on that bug?"
==============================================================================
She was only the..
..admiral's daughter but her naval base was always full of seamen.
..steelworker's daughter but you should see that pig iron.
..violinists daughter but she took off her G-string and all the boys
fiddled.
..the electrician's daughter but she refused.
..the carpenter's daughter but she was flat as a board.
==============================================================================
Bumper sticker seen on what appeared to be a '77 Toyota Celica Supra,
going about 95 MPH on I-469-N (Yes, I had to keep up to read it):
Don't Laugh, your daughter may be in here.
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Date: Wed, 7 Jun 2000 09:18:38 -0400
From: Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Dear Dr. Laura... <off. to fundy's>
re: Dr Laura's claim that homosexuality is an abomination
because it's against the Bible...
= = = = = = = =
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's law.
I have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge
with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the
homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus
18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need
some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws
and how to best follow them:
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors.
They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus
21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period
of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell?
I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around
us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not
Canadians. Can you clarify?
I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill
him myself?
A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination
(Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree.
Can you settle this?
Lev. 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a
defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear prescription glasses. Does
my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you
can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal
and unchanging.
+++++++++++++++++++++
Death Of A Pagan
A Pagan died and, much to her surprise, found herself at the Pearly Gates
facing St. Peter. He walked up to her and said, "Hello, and welcome."
She stared at St. Peter in complete confusion. "Wait a minute," she said.
"I was supposed to end up in the Summerlands."
He smiled. "Ah, you must be one of our Pagan sisters. Follow me, please."
Peter gestured for her to follow him down a small path which went through the
gates and down a bit to the left. They walked for a short while, then he stepped
back and gestured her forward. Looking past his hand, she saw the verdant
fields and forests of her desired Summerlands. She saw people feasting,
dancing, and making merry, exactly as she expected.
While shaking her head in wonder, the Pagan happened to glance over to one
side and saw a small group of people a short way away from the edge of the
Summerlands. The people in the group were watching the revelers, but not
joining them. Instead, they were screaming and weeping piteously.
The Pagan looked at St. Peter. "Who are those people?"
St. Peter replied, "Them? They're fundamentalists. They're a bit surprised to
see you all there, so they stand there and carry on like that all day."
"Why? Don't they have better things to do?"
Peter leaned conspiratorially toward her. "They don't really have a choice.
They're actually in Hell. God doesn't like being told what He thinks."
***********************
In case of Rapture, I'll be over at the church
helping myself to the collection plate.
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Date: Wed, 7 Jun 2000 09:37:09 -0400
From: Musat, Bob <Bob.Musat@TRI-C.CC.OH.US>
Subject: a letter to camp [may be horrific to parents]
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well, it's getting to be summer camp time, here in the good ol' u s of a,
and one of the legendary requirements is the eternal "letter home." here's
an example provided me by a dear friend, trinette.
- - - - -
Dear Mom and Dad,
Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on
TV and were worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags
got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up the
mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's
mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to
ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have
found him in the dark if it wasn't for the lightning. Scoutmaster Walt got
mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone.
Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't
hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will
blowup? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did. Also some of our
clothes. And John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It
wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left.
Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to
break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat
car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets
us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let
us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and
talked to us. Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good
driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads
where there isn't any
traffic. All we ever see up here is logging trucks.
This morning, all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in
the lake. Scoutmaster Walt wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad
was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe
across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the
water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Walt isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad
about the lifejackets. He has to spend a lot of the time working on the car
so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in
the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Wade and I
threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from
the leftover chicken.
He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he
got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get
things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a
pedophile?
I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy bullets.
Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love, Jordie
P.S.: How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?
- - - - -
be seeing you,
oxo
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<TITLE>a letter to camp [may be horrific to parents]</TITLE>
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<P><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">well, it's getting =
to be summer camp time, here in the good ol' u s of a, and one of the =
legendary requirements is the eternal "letter home." =
here's an example provided me by a dear friend, trinette.</FONT></P>
<P><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">- - - - -</FONT>
</P>
<P><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">Dear Mom and =
Dad,</FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" FACE=3D"Arial"> </FONT>
</P>
<P><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">Our scoutmaster told =
us to write to our parents in case you saw</FONT><FONT =
COLOR=3D"#000000" FACE=3D"Arial"> </FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" =
SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">the flood on TV and were worried. We are OK. =
Only one of our</FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" FACE=3D"Arial"> =
</FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">tents and two =
sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us</FONT><FONT =
COLOR=3D"#000000" FACE=3D"Arial"> </FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" =
SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">got drowned because we were all up the mountain =
looking for Chad</FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" FACE=3D"Arial"> =
</FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">when it =
happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell</FONT><FONT =
COLOR=3D"#000000" FACE=3D"Arial"> </FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" =
SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">her he is OK. He can't write because of the =
cast. I got to ride</FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" FACE=3D"Arial"> =
</FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">in one of the =
search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never</FONT><FONT =
COLOR=3D"#000000" FACE=3D"Arial"> </FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" =
SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">would have found him in the dark if it wasn't =
for the</FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" FACE=3D"Arial"> </FONT><FONT =
COLOR=3D"#000000" SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">lightning. Scoutmaster Walt =
got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling =
anyone.</FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" FACE=3D"Arial"><BR>
</FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">Chad said he did =
tell him, but it was during the fire so he</FONT><FONT =
COLOR=3D"#000000" FACE=3D"Arial"> </FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" =
SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if =
you put gas on a</FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" FACE=3D"Arial"> =
</FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">fire, the gas =
can will blowup? The wet wood didn't burn, but one</FONT><FONT =
COLOR=3D"#000000" FACE=3D"Arial"> </FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" =
SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">of the tents did. Also some of our clothes. And =
John is going to</FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" FACE=3D"Arial"> =
</FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">look weird until =
his hair grows back.</FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" FACE=3D"Arial"> =
</FONT></P>
<P><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">We will be home on =
Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car</FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" =
FACE=3D"Arial"> </FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" SIZE=3D2 =
FACE=3D"Arial">fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes =
worked OK</FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" FACE=3D"Arial"> </FONT><FONT =
COLOR=3D"#000000" SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">when we left. Scoutmaster =
Walt said that a car that old you</FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" =
FACE=3D"Arial"> </FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" SIZE=3D2 =
FACE=3D"Arial">have to expect something to break down; that's probably =
why he</FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" FACE=3D"Arial"> </FONT><FONT =
COLOR=3D"#000000" SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">can't get insurance. We think =
it's a neat car. He doesn't care</FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" =
FACE=3D"Arial"> </FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" SIZE=3D2 =
FACE=3D"Arial">if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets =
us ride</FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" FACE=3D"Arial"> </FONT><FONT =
COLOR=3D"#000000" SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">on the fenders. It gets =
pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He</FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" =
FACE=3D"Arial"> </FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" SIZE=3D2 =
FACE=3D"Arial">let us take turns riding in the trailer until the =
highway</FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" FACE=3D"Arial"> </FONT><FONT =
COLOR=3D"#000000" SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">patrolman stopped and talked =
to us. Scoutmaster Walt is a neat</FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" =
FACE=3D"Arial"> </FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" SIZE=3D2 =
FACE=3D"Arial">guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is =
teaching</FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" FACE=3D"Arial"> </FONT><FONT =
COLOR=3D"#000000" SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">Terry how to drive on the =
mountain roads where there isn't any</FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" =
FACE=3D"Arial"><BR>
</FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">traffic. All we =
ever see up here is logging trucks.</FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" =
FACE=3D"Arial"> </FONT>
</P>
<P><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">This morning, all of =
the guys were diving off the rocks and</FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" =
FACE=3D"Arial"> </FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" SIZE=3D2 =
FACE=3D"Arial">swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Walt wouldn't let =
me</FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" FACE=3D"Arial"> </FONT><FONT =
COLOR=3D"#000000" SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">because I can't swim, and =
Chad was afraid he would sink because</FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" =
FACE=3D"Arial"> </FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" SIZE=3D2 =
FACE=3D"Arial">of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the =
lake. It was</FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" FACE=3D"Arial"> </FONT><FONT =
COLOR=3D"#000000" SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">great. You can still see some =
of the trees under the water from</FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" =
FACE=3D"Arial"> </FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" SIZE=3D2 =
FACE=3D"Arial">the flood.</FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" FACE=3D"Arial"> =
</FONT></P>
<P><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">Scoutmaster Walt =
isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't</FONT><FONT =
COLOR=3D"#000000" FACE=3D"Arial"> </FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" =
SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">even get mad about the lifejackets. He has to =
spend a lot of the</FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" FACE=3D"Arial"> =
</FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">time working on =
the car so we are trying not to cause him any</FONT><FONT =
COLOR=3D"#000000" FACE=3D"Arial"> </FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" =
SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">trouble.</FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" =
FACE=3D"Arial"> </FONT></P>
<P><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">Guess what? We have =
all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and =
cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Wade and I threw up, =
but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the =
leftover chicken.</FONT></P>
<P><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">He said they got =
sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and =
became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things =
done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a =
pedophile?</FONT></P>
<P><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">I have to go now. We =
are going to town to mail our letters and</FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" =
FACE=3D"Arial"> </FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" SIZE=3D2 =
FACE=3D"Arial">buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are =
fine.</FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" FACE=3D"Arial"> </FONT>
</P>
<P><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">Love, =
Jordie</FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" FACE=3D"Arial"><BR>
</FONT><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">P.S.: How long =
has it been since I had a tetanus shot?</FONT>
</P>
<P><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">- - - - -</FONT>
</P>
<P><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">be seeing =
you,</FONT>
</P>
<P><FONT COLOR=3D"#000000" SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">oxo</FONT>
</P>
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Date: Wed, 7 Jun 2000 09:36:39 -0500
From: RANEBOUXshesaid <raneboux@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: Snip Snip.... just like nails on a blackboard..yep i b alive(OFF to
great humor buffs)
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BlankOne day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out =
and said,=20
"You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you'd like to talk =
about=20
or ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a big decision! Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yeah, we took a vote... and they're in favor of it 15 to 2."
_________________
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
~Just enjoy the Raneboux~
now eat ur rice & shut up
!! UPdaTed !!
Take A Peek
http://www.egroups.com/group/FUNYTAMPACSPACS=20
=20
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Date: Wed, 7 Jun 2000 17:26:47 -0400
From: Jimmy Farrar <jfarrar@UZUNCASE.COM>
Subject: Games for Hospital Waiting Rooms
Surgery: Operation, Life
Oncology or Patient Relations: Sorry
Neurology: Concentration, Boggle
Mental Health: Crazy Eights, Solitaire, Outburst
Gastroenterology: Chutes and Ladders, Go Fish, Poker, Dungeons and Dragons,
Lincoln Logs
Administration: Trivial Pursuit, Monopoly
Eating Disorders: Hungry Hungry Hippos
Finance: Trouble
Diabetes Center: Candyland
Plastic Surgery: Mr. Potato Head
Payroll: Payday
Rehab: Twister
Parkinson's Center: Jenga
Travel Clinic: Ants in the Pants
Infectious Disease: Cooties, Risk
Geriatric Medicine: Bingo
Gene Therapy: Barrel of Monkeys
Urology: Upwards
Cardiology: Hearts
Orthopedics: Pinball
Cafeteria: Mousetrap
Podiatrics: Tic Tac Toe
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Date: Wed, 7 Jun 2000 17:52:13 -0500
From: Randall Woodman <rwoodman@HOME.COM>
Subject: Elderly couple at McDonalds
From: Griff Evans <griff@web-access.net>
Elderly Couple at McDonalds
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He
noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he
watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then
counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of
them.
Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set
that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat
watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another
meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and
everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied,
"Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=- NO!, you cannot call 911, I'm downloading my mail.
Get paid to surf the net. Join All Advantage.
Sign up today. http://www.alladvantage.com/home.asp?refid=IFI-810
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Date: Thu, 8 Jun 2000 09:23:33 +0530
From: chaps <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Murphy's Laws: Love <clean>
1. All the good ones are taken.
2. If the person isn't taken, there's a reason. (corr. to 1)
3. The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
4. Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant.
5. The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to
how much you love them.
6. Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
7. The best things in the world are free --- and worth every penny of it.
8. Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
9. Nice guys(girls) finish last.
10. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
11. Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is
the minute they find someone else.
Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)
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Date: Wed, 7 Jun 2000 22:18:37 -0700
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Groaners
At the Fair
At a recent show at the Fair Grounds in Howard County Maryland, the
lady organizing the event fell ill, and asked a young "Yuppette" to
stand in for her.
On the day of the show, she received a call from a man who had entered
several horses. "I know this is for charity," he said apologetically,
"but I will have to ask you to scratch one of my horses for me."
"Surely!" perked the lil' Yuppette. "Which one and where?"
Visit to Russia
In the early 1900s, the president of America went to visit Russia. Of
course, Russia was still ruled by the Czar back then, and the American
President was warmly welcomed by the whole Russian royal household. As
the two leaders and their entourages were dining one day, in one of the
huge dining rooms in the palace, the Americans were telling the Russians
about some of the great things in their country.
One of the topics of conversion was the Grand Canyon in Colorado. Of
course, the American were quite boastful about this being the largest
canyon in the world, when suddenly, from the head of the table, the Czar
stood up, and made an announcement. "In Russia," he said, "we have a
canyon even bigger than your Grand Canyon!"
Now no one was going to stand up and contradict the Czar, but of course
no one believed him either. Finally, the American president stood up,
and said "Okay. Let's see this canyon then." So an expedition was
organized. Of course, their destination was way out in the remote
wilderness, and they only had horses to travel with, so the going was
slow. But eventually, after several weeks grueling journey, they finally
arrived at where the canyon was supposed to be.
But there wasn't one. Not even a little one. And then it dawned on
everyone. He had been using Czar chasm to make them look stupid.
The Pandaceros
In this modern era, where cloning, hybrid and generic engineering have
become household words, few of us remember the true pioneer of genetic
experimentation. I am, of course speaking of Dr. Moreau. Not the Dr.
Moreau immortalized by H. G. Wells in his famous novel, but the real
Pierre Moreau who actually attempted to form new species from unrelated
animals.
Most of his experiments failed. Most of the documents that survived
deal with his attempts to cross a dog and a cat, but none lived more
than a few hours after birth. His studies were ridiculed by the French
Academy of Science and he died in disgrace not realizing he was a
hundred years ahead of his time.
He had only a single real success, which occurred when he cloned the
chromosomes of the black rhinoceros with the giant panda of China. Only
one of this new species, which he called a pandaceros survived beyond
infancy but with diligence and care, one did grow to full maturity.
This magnificent animal was over five foot tall and weighed 500 pounds.
It had a long soft black and white fur coat and a 18 inch hollow
cylindrical horn on its forehead. The horn communicated through a canal
with the posterior pharynx, which, unlike the elephant which uses its
trunk to breathe, was primary used for feeding. His daily supply of
bamboo shoots and berries was placed in the horn and with the use of a
plunger-like devise invented by Dr. Moreau, the beast could get its
frequent feedings as it desired.
It was a loving animal, ideal for a pet, and loved to play with
children. Unfortunately, like most hybrids, it was sterile. This made
commercial production of pandaceri uneconomical, and the process was
never repeated by Dr. Moreau or his disciples.
In 1895, faced with forced closure of his island laboratories, Moreau
sold his only successful hybrid to the Circus de Royal, where it was the
premier attraction for two years before its untimely death from
pneumonia. Visitors from throughout the world travelled to have an
opportunity to pet this wonderful beast. For a few years, the Circus de
Royal was the most talked about and visited entertainment center in all
of Europe.
Now, one hundred years after the untimely death of the world’s only
pandaceros, there are few still alive that remember their trips to the
circus and the excitement of seeing and petting the magnificent furry
with the syringe on the top. (By Stan Kegel based on a punch line in
stories by Richard Bratner and Bennett Cerf)
Green Cheese
The astronauts in the Sea of Tranquility were amazed to discover that
the moon actually did contain large underground deposits of cheese. Once
outside the LEM, they climbed into the LTV and drove across the lunar
surface to obtain samples.
In one location they discovered a large deposit of brie and collected
25 pounds to bring back to earth. They drove to a second location and
collected 50 pounds of camembert. In a third location they hit a vein of
cheddar and collected another 50 pounds of samples.
Mission Control crackled through their headsets that it would not be
satisfied unless they brought back at least another 25 pounds of brie.
The astronauts turned their LTV around and proceeded to the first
location where they collected another 25 pounds of the cheese.
The astronauts were almost back to the LEM when Mission Control radioed
that it wanted another 25 pounds of brie.
Disgruntled, one of the astronauts sarcastically snapped into his
microphone, ... "Have you ever seen such a site in your life as brie
mined thrice?"
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