Digest for Friday, June 30, 2000
There are 5 messages totalling 364 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Adult Puns of the Month: 6-00 (Sexual Content)
- Please Read This! (inspirational...not funny)
- Independence
- Things you wont see on Hallmark cards:
- Life in the country
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Date: Fri, 30 Jun 2000 00:29:09 -0700
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Adult Puns of the Month: 6-00 (Sexual Content)
Adult puns of the Month: 6/00
•Strippers were being used to smuggle drugs. Where were they hiding it?
Maybe that's why they call it crack." (Jay Leno)
•I wish I could talk to my doctor about erectile dysfunction, but for
some reason it never comes up. (Scott E. Frank)
•What is every Amish woman's private fantasy? Two Mennonite! (Gary Hallock)
•Menstruation: A bloody waste of fucking time.. (Richard Lederer)
•Become an amateur gynecologist. Look up a friend today. (Gill Krebs)
•What happens when you take Viagra and Prozac at the same time? You get a
guy who is ready to go, but doesn't really care where. (Rodney the Jokeman)
•What is the difference between medium and rare? Six inches is medium,
eight inches is rare. (Ed Hexter) (Well done-ed.)
•In my dream, I was at an internet cafe when my server went down on me.
(Scot Nelson)
•Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ. (Fuhrman)
•Sex Education: Sermon on the mount (Archives)
•It has come to the attention of researchers that a previously
unanticipated reaction results when Viagara is taken along with Ex-Lax.
Both products tend to act together and magnify the effects of the other.
The end result is that you end up both coming and going at the same
time. (Archives)
•What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like? Depends. (Bob)
•Schoolboy who mess around with school girl during wrong period get
caught red-handed. (Fuhrman)
•Have you heard about the new supersensitive condoms? They hang around
after the man leaves and talks to the woman. (Tom’s Burlesque)
•"But my elderly aunt was considered a highly respectable spinster!" the
society matron protested. "Can't you find *some* way to cover up the
shocking fact that she died in bed while being simultaneously serviced
by two paid studs?" "You just leave it to me, Mrs. Van Horn," soothed
the police officer, "I'll just put it in my report that she died at the
stroke of two." (Laugh Your Ass Off)
•Why hasn't Barbie ever been pregnant? Because Ken Comes in a different
box! (Tom’s Berlesque)
•A guy walks up to a hooker and asks, "how much do you charge to rub the
gentials?" She says, "The same as the Jews." (The Rave)
• What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
(The Placebo Page)
•Indifferent: Anal sex. (Richard Lederer)
•A woman walked into the pharmacy and asked for a vibrator. The
pharmacist gestured with his index finger and said, "Come this way." The
woman replied, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need a vibrator!"
(The Webbmistress)
•Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings" (Terry Galen)
• "Let's try it this new way," said Jack
As he winked at the girl in the sack.
She turned and she grunted,
"I should be affronted,
But this time I'm taken aback!" (Ms Kitty)
•She was only an apple-grower's daughter, and she couldn't wait to get it
in cider. (Richard Lederer)
•What current movie should remind us of the happy Roman cunnilinguist?
Gladiator! (Alan B. Combs)
•What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
"How come?" (E4Fun)
•What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your
whole day, anal sex makes your hole weak. (Tom’s Burlesque)
•What do gay termites eat? Wood Peckers. (Dim Wit)
•Did you know that the author of the book "Joy of Sex" died? After a
series of Strokes! (The Placebo Page)
•Have you heard about the nymphomaniac who died during an ocean crossing?
She tried to go down on the Titanic. (Richard Lederer)
•What do Arabs do on Saturday nights? They sit under palm trees and eat
their dates. (Very Punny)
•4 Wheel Drivers usually experience four-on-the-floorgasms. (Archives)
•She was only a computer programmer's daughter, and she was a piece of
user-friendly software who grabbed men’s joysticks, turned their
floppies into hard drives, went down at the touch of a button, was easy
to enter, and let them come interface. (Richard Lederer)
•The tampons were on sale but the offer was valid only for a limited
period. (Gill Krebs). However, there were no strings attached (Stan Kegel)
• A man was admitted to the hospital suffering from premature
ejaculation. The doctors said it was touch and go. (DogByte)
•Sow your wild oats on Saturday night. Then on Sunday pray for crop
failure. (Archives)
•Have you heard about the woman who had sex with a racehorse? She’s now
in a stable condition. (Richard Lederer)
•What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers? One is a
Goodyear and the other is a great year. (Archives)
•Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters into his own hands. (Fuhrman)
•Confucous say man who sits alone in church sits in his own pew.(Stephen Ashcraft)
•Fellatio: A taste of things to come. (Richard Lederer)
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Date: Fri, 30 Jun 2000 07:17:30 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Please Read This! (inspirational...not funny)
I received this from a friend and thought that it was worthy of passing
it on and sharing its message:
*************************************************************************
We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them
worse. For my grandchildren, I'd like better. I'd really like for them to
know about hand me down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat
loaf sandwiches. I really would.
I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty
by being cheated. I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn
and wash the car. And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when
you are sixteen.
It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your
old dog put to sleep. I hope you get a black eye fighting for something
you believe in, I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger
brother.
And it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the
room, but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's
scared, I hope you let him.
When you want to see a movie and your little brother/sister wants to tag
along, I hope you'll let him. I hope you have to walk uphill to school
with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely.
On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your
driver to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with
someone as uncool as your Mom.
If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one
instead of buying one. I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read
books.
When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and
subtract in your head. I hope you get teased by your friends when you
have your first crush on a girl and when you talk back to your mother
that you learn what ivory soap tastes like.
May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and
stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole. I don't care if you try a beer
once, but I hope you don't like it. And if a friend offers you dope or a
joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend.
I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandpa and go
fishing with your Uncle. May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during
the holidays. I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball
through your neighbor's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at
Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand.
These things I wish for you-tough times and disappointment, hard work and
happiness. To me, it's the only way to appreciate life.
Send this to all of your friends who mean the most to you. We secure our
friends not by accepting favors but by doing them.
Paul Harvey...GOOD DAY!
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Date: Fri, 30 Jun 2000 09:16:49 -0400
From: Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Independence
I'll be away until after the 4th of July, the U.S. Independence Day,
so I'm sending something a little (ok, very little!) patriotic now,
with best wishes to all for a safe and happy holiday!
And to The Old Perfesser, who's leaving tomorrow for an
extended stay in France:
Bon Boyage [1] !! Don't eat the snails !!
And just remember, don't go sticking your neck out for *anything*
on the 14th....
- PBen
[1] boyau = bowel
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
1776 [ If they had computers back then... ]
Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen, the summer grows hot, and it is
essential that we complete this Declaration of Independence.
Mr. Franklin: Wait a minute, Thomas. I have to reboot here.
Mr. Jefferson: That's all right, Ben. We'll go on without you.
Has everyone had a chance to look at the draft I posted
yesterday?
Mr. Sherman: Not yet, Thomas, I've been having Notes
replication problems.
Mr. Adams: Here, Roger, I brought a hard copy.
Mr. Sherman: Thanks... saaaaay, nice font.
Mr. Adams: Do you like it? I downloaded it off Colonies
Online just last week.
Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen! There is work to be done. I fear
our document will soon leak out.
Mr. Livingston: Too late, Thomas. There's already a bootleg
circulating. I saw it posted on alt.georgeIII.sucks last night.
Mr. Franklin: @#$$%^$# General Protection Fault!
Mr. Adams: Ben, you might try upgrading to Windows 75.
It solved that problem for me.
Mr. Sherman: Thomas, the part here about the Acts of
Pretended Legislation; have you considered using bullets
to air out the text?
Mr. Jefferson: I can fix that easily enough. Drat! I've spilled
candle wax on my keyboard again.
Mr. Adams: You know, Thomas, that wouldn't happen if you'd
buy an active-matrix screen.
Mr. Franklin: Hard-disk failure?!? Aw, criminy!!
Mr. Livingston: Are you sure it's "unalienable rights"? My
spell checker recommends "unassailable".
Mr. Jefferson: Can we stick to the substance of the document,
please? Shoot. Low battery. Anyone got a spare power cable?
Mr. Sherman: What have you got, a Toshiba? No, mine isn't
compatible.
Mr. Franklin: Hello, PCs Philadelphia? What does it mean
when the floppy drive buzzes? OK, I'll hold.....
Mr. Livingston: The "In Congress" part here at the top; have
you thought about blowing that up really big and maybe
centering it in 72 point Helvetica?
Mr. Jefferson: Not a bad idea. Aw, nuts! Word macro virus!
I can't save the file.
Mr. Franklin: That's all right, Thomas. We can manage. Here,
borrow my quill pen....
**************************
If ye love wealth greater than liberty, the tranquility of servitude greater
than the animating contest for freedom, go home from us in peace. We
seek not your counsel, nor your arms. Crouch down and lick the hand
that feeds you; and may posterity forget that ye were our countrymen.
-- Samuel Adams
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Date: Fri, 30 Jun 2000 08:44:36 -0600
From: Emko Witteveen <emko.w@HOME.COM>
Subject: Things you won't see on Hallmark cards:
Plagiarized from another list.
OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am
INSIDE: that you're not here to ruin it for me.
OUTSIDE: If I get only one thing for Christmas,
INSIDE: I hope it's your sister.
OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.
OUTSIDE: I must admit, you brought Religion in my life.
INSIDE: I never believed in Hell 'till I met you.
OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't
help
but wonder:
INSIDE: What the f___k was I thinking?
OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected.
INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.
OUTSIDE: Sex with you is like using drugs:
INSIDE: Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it.
OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your
promise.
OUTSIDE: The holidays are a great time to be with family.
INSIDE: Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the
kids
and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!
OUTSIDE: I'm so miserable without you,
INSIDE: it's almost like you're here.
OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend...
INSIDE: buy a dog.
OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was?
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Date: Fri, 30 Jun 2000 14:43:15 -0400
From: Jimmy Farrar <jfarrar@UZUNCASE.COM>
Subject: Life in the country
A man was tired of the city life so he decided to move
way out in the country where he would have all the room
and privacy that he needed. His house was at least 35
miles from everything and everyone. No one ever came to
visit and he never went to visit anyone. After about
the sixth month at his new home, he began to get a
little lonesome and wondered if he'd really made the
right move.
That evening while he sat in his rocking chair on his
front porch, he noticed someone walking along his
long, secluded driveway towards his house. He quickly
approached the strange man and asked what he needed.
The stranger stated that he was a neighbor that lived
just beyond the far hill and that he was having a
party that night and would like to invite him. The man
quickly accepted the neighbors offer and was relived to
finally have some company. Before the neighbor left,
he told the man, "You better let me warn you about
something. At this party, there's probably going to be
some drinking."
The man said, " well that's all right, I like to do
some drinking."
The neighbor said," and there's probably going to be
some fighting."
The man said, " that's OK too, and like to do a little
fighting."
Then the neighbor said, " and after the drinking and
fighting, there's probably going to be some sex."
The man said, "nothing wrong with a little sex, now is
there?" The neighbor told the man to be there at 7:00
and started to leave when the man yelled, "hey I'll
bring the beer. How much do we need?"
The neighbor yelled back, " Oh, just a couple of six
packs will do. It'll just be the two of us."
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