Digest for Wednesday, October 18, 2000
There are 12 messages totalling 601 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Unlocked crap
- A Day At The Beach
- Chatroom encounter. Human or bot?
- Q & A
- Arkansas Professional Engineering Exam
- Exercising and Bodybuilding
- Lawyers
- A Couple of Smiles
- couple of married ones
- Transcript of Presidental Debate
- Al Gore and the Can Lady
- Ghostly Pun
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Date: Wed, 18 Oct 2000 04:18:42 -0500
From: RANEBOUX <raneboux@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: Unlocked crap
Upon retiring, a couple wanted to move from the city
and live a country life-style.
They went house hunting in the most secluded area they
could find. One listing was a beautiful cottage home being
sold by the owner, and they decided to check it out.
They were shown the house with its 2 bedrooms and den,
kitchen w/breakfast nook, parlor and dining room. When
the tour was done, the woman whispered something to her
husband, and they both turned back to the owner.
The husband mentioned not seeing a bathroom. The owner
then said, "Oh, yes, walk this way"...
They left the house through the back door and went down a
winding walkway about 50 yards.
There, at the end of the walk was an outhouse...It was shabby
looking, roof shingles missing, paint totally faded, the door
had only one hinge and was hanging oddly, and in the middle
of the floor was a bucket.
The woman was shocked at the sight and said to the owner,
"My goodness, that looks terrible,so run down. And the door
has no lock."
To which the owner replied..."Yanno, Ma'am, in all my years
living here, no one has ever stolen my bucket!!"
|{{{{{{{{{ @ }}}}}}}}|
Takes a Lic/kin
&
Keeps on Bitchin'
RANEBOUX
http://www.geocities.com/raneboux_voodew
http://www.topica.com/lists/RANEBOUXoFUNNYPAPERS
funnypapers...it's alive
@ll:::::{}{}{}{}{}{}{}:::::ll@
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Date: Wed, 18 Oct 2000 07:12:35 -0400
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: A Day At The Beach
Jenny was explaining to her husband how much fun they'd had at
the beach during her bridge club annual outing. "But," she told
him, "it didn't end all that great for me."
"Why, what happened?" he asked.
"I went out to take a swim in the rough water but I didn't go out
far because the waves were very bad. Then I suddenly noticed that
all the turbulence had caused the lower half of my bathing suit
to be snatched off. I looked and looked for it but it was gone,
gone, gone!"
"For goodness sakes, sweety, what did you do?"
"Do? Why I did what any respectable female would do. I covered my
face and eyes with my hands and ran to the beach house as fast as
I could."
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
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Date: Wed, 18 Oct 2000 13:19:44 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Chatroom encounter. Human or bot?
True story, sent by an America buddy on mine who stumbled
across what he thinks is a bot on a chat room. "sand|" is the
alleged bot and "Keyboard_Warrior" is my friend.
<sand|> hi !!
<Keyboard_Warrior> hello!
<sand|> do you like europe ?
<Keyboard_Warrior> sure i do. europe is the centre of art and
literature, aint it?
<sand|> yep EU is just like USA, but EU is just the european part:)
you are welcome to join #EU :)
<Keyboard_Warrior> you're a bot? :)
<sand|> I search a guy who is very gentle sweet and strong ;o)
<Keyboard_Warrior> ah, well, you sure are a bot!
<sand|> I search a guy who is very gentle sweet and strong ;o)
<Keyboard_Warrior> sure you do
<sand|> I search a guy who is very gentle sweet and strong ;o)
<Keyboard_Warrior> yeah, i know
<sand|> cool! then please go to #eu its the europeans chan :o)
<Keyboard_Warrior> bots always search a guy who is very gentle
sweet and strong
<sand|> 19 f EU and you ?
<Keyboard_Warrior> so you're human! I'm in the USA
<sand|> I search a guy who is very gentle sweet and strong ;o)
<Keyboard_Warrior> please go on, it's a pleasure listening to you
<sand|> I search a guy who is very gentle sweet and strong ;o)
<Keyboard_Warrior> wow! still searching, huh?
<sand|> do you like europe ?
<disconnected>
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Date: Wed, 18 Oct 2000 08:48:59 -0400
From: Paul Benoit <PBenoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Q & A <adult, totally offensive>
Q: Did you hear about the new douche they've made for women?
A: It's made of Marijuana, Arrid Deodorant, and Kentucky Fried Chicken....
It leaves you high, dry, and finger licking good!
-------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a bartender and a proctologist?
A: A proctologist waits on one asshole at a time.
-------------------------
Q: What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
A: You always hear about them but never see them.
-------------------------
Q: Why is sex is like software?
A: For every one who pays for it, there are hundreds getting it free.
-------------------------
Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness
with a Hell's Angel Biker?
A: Someone who comes to your door on Sunday and tells
YOU to fuck off!
-------------------------
Q: Do you know where you can find sympathy?
A: In the dictionary, somewhere between "shit" and "syphilis."
-------------------------
Q: How do deaf people have phone sex?
A: By fax.
-------------------------
Q: How does James Bond like his pussy??
A: Shaven, not furred.
-------------------------
Q: What's the difference between secretaries and wives?
A: Secretaries get a little behind at work; wives get a big behind at home.
-------------------------
Q: How do you know when you're living in a really bad neighborhood?
A: The church has a bouncer.
-------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the giant rat that swallowed Friar Maury?
A: They tried to free him, but all they could do was pull the habit out of
the rat.
-------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.
-------------------------
Q: What is the similarity between a rattlesnake and a limp dick?
A: You don't fuck with either one.
-------------------------
Q: What do a rattlesnake and a condom have in common?
A: I don't fuck with either one.
********************
If someone is "pretty ugly", which are they?
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Date: Wed, 18 Oct 2000 08:59:41 -0400
From: Jimmy Farrar <jfarrar@UZUNCASE.COM>
Subject: Arkansas Professional Engineering Exam
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will
support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on
blocks in your front yard?
A. '66 Ford Fairlane
B. '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
C. '64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of
'shine per hour, how many radiators are required to condense the product?
4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density
of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 trees per acre. The plot
is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14". How many Budweiser
tall-boys will it take to cut the trees?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12
simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine at 24 inches on center with a
field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet.
The porch floor is 1" thick rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how
many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns an Arkansas house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an
average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children
place a mobile home on the man's land?
8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on
a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic
loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck
before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain?
For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers
and uncracked windshields?
9. A coal mine operates an NFPA class 1, division 2 Hazardous Area. The
mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning
of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during
the shift?
10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how
long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a
country-western singer?
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Date: Wed, 18 Oct 2000 08:13:29 -0500
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Exercising and Bodybuilding
EXERCISING AND BODY BUILDING
---------------------------------
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently, you have to show up.
If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them
further up our body.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a
small country.
I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people
who annoy me.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain
figures out what I'm doing.
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Date: Wed, 18 Oct 2000 09:25:33 EDT
From: SSibert911@AOL.COM
Subject: Lawyers <Offensive & Insulting to the Legal Profession>
A guy was stuck in a traffic jam that hadn`t moved for more than half an
hour. Looking out his car window he saw a kid on a pushbike weaving his way
towards him through the line of stranded vehicles. "Hey son, what`s the hold
up?" the guy asked.
"It`s some crazy lawyer," replied the kid, "He`s lying in the middle of the
road and he`s doused himself with gas and is threatening to set fire to
himself. We`re taking up a collection for him. Would you like to donate
mister?"
"How much have you got so far?" the guy enquired.
"Oh," said the kid, "about thirty boxes of matches and twenty-three lighters."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
A lawyer walks into his client's cell on death row and says, "I've got good
news and bad news for you."
Client says, "Okay, What's the bad news?"
"The bad news is that the governor won't issue a stay of execution."
"Thats awful. What could possibly be the good news?"
"THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT I GOT YOUR VOLTAGE REDUCED."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see
walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking
along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP"
and then he would swerve back onto the road.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking.
He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the
priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy
priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down
the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and
instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a
priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away,
narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the
lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD".
Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and
when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry
Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com
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Date: Wed, 18 Oct 2000 11:42:11 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: A Couple of Smiles
50 Years ago.....100 white men chasing one black man across a field was
called the Ku Klux Klan. Today.....It's called the PGA Tour.
==============================================================================
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the
toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits and gets the
seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and
asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat
so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go. When they get to the
doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The
man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."
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Date: Wed, 18 Oct 2000 08:51:31 -1000
From: Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: couple of married ones<adult>
A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy=20
secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.=20
After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon=20
became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two=20
went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.=20
Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up=20
for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.=20
He panicked, wondering what to tell his wife.=20
After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came=20
bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly=20
fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate
animal. Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey,=20
look what the dog did to my neck!"=20
"Hell," she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what=20
he did to my boobs!"
------------------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one=20
last request, Dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly. =20
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Joe."
"But I thought you hated Joe," she said.
With his last breath, John said, "I do!"
------------------------------------------------------------
A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to=20
come back to his hotel.
When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first=20
man you ever made love to?"
She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying.=20
"You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar."
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Date: Wed, 18 Oct 2000 15:46:14 -0400
From: Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Transcript of Presidental Debate
Contributor's note: I don't know the source, but wish
it did. This was evidently written after the second
debate, but it sure sounds like any of the ones I heard
this year!!! jhm
====================================
Jim Lehrer: Welcome to ANY presidential debate between Vice President Al Gore
and Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have agreed on these rules: I will ask
a question. The candidate will ignore the question and deliver rehearsed remarks
designed to appeal to undecided women voters. The opponent will then have one
minute to respond by trying to frighten senior citizens into voting for him.
When a speaker's time has expired, I will whimper softly while he continues to
spew incomprehensible statistics for three more minutes. Let's start with the
vice president. Mr. Gore, can you give us the name of a downtrodden citizen and
then tell us his or her story in a way that strains the bounds of common sense?
Gore: As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly made love
the way we have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage,
the downtrodden have a clear choice in this election.
My opponent wants to cut taxes for the richest 1 percent of Americans.
I, on the other hand, want to put the richest 1 percent in an ironclad
lockbox so they can't hurt old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who
is here tonight.
Mrs. Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs, one by one,
to pay for gas so that she can travel to these debates and personify
problems for me. Also, her poodle has arthritis.
Lehrer: Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.
Bush: Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people,
crying with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists.
I want to empower those crying people to make their own decisions,
unlike my opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush.
Lehrer: Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic
were to launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be
able to pronounce his name?
Bush: The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy
and didn't get it done.
If I'm elected, the first thing I would do about that guy is have Dick
Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick would present me several
options for dealing with that guy. And then Dick would tell me which
one to choose.
You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough foreign policy
decisions every day about how we're going to deal with New Mexico.
Lehrer: Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.
Gore: Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly interested in.
I served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of
poison gas in World War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian
War. And when that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to
Tipper in a way that any undecided woman voter would find romantic.
If I'm entrusted with the office of president, I pledge to deal knowledge-
ably with any threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in an ironclad
lockbox. Because the American people deserve a president who can
comfort them with simple metaphors.
Lehrer: Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security
system?
Gore: It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman and I have
proposed changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000
to every senior citizen without having it cost the federal treasury a
single penny until the year 2250.
In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over the next 10 years to
guarantee that all senior citizens can have drugs delivered free to
their homes every Monday by a federal employee who will also help them
with the child-proof cap.
Lehrer: Gov. Bush?
Bush: That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas, I have
to do math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether
I'm going to fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds
to reroof the sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds.
Lehrer: It's time for closing statements.
Gore: I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician, but I
will fight for the working families of America, in addition to turning the
White House into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me.
Bush: It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing
no one but Republicans.
Lehrer: Good night.
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Date: Wed, 18 Oct 2000 21:50:29 -0500
From: Randall Woodman <rwoodman@HOME.COM>
Subject: Al Gore and the Can Lady
This is just too funny. My can goes in the mail on friday. :-)
========================================
Dear friends, family, acquaintances, etc.:
A friend sent this to me. I wish I had thought of this idea.
It is a great idea and for 77cents you can make a great political
statement. If you send this one to enough people the impact is sure to show
up on the 6:00 PM News on the major networks.
In a recent campaign speech here at Tampa, Al Gore described the plight of
a destitute old lady from Des Moines, who daily collected cans to pay her
medical bills. Well! It turns out that destitute old lady lives in a
$140,000 house and owns a Winnebago, which has to have cost her over
$30,000, and she followed Al Gore from Des Moines to Tampa, from Tampa to
Boston, & returned to Des Moines from Boston! One news commentator has
figured out that she'll need 11,000 cans to meet her Des
Moines-Tampa-Boston-Des Moines journey with Winnebagos moving only 8 miles
on a gallon of gas & gas at the price it is today. But it occurs to me
that 11,000 cans won't be nearly enough. Think of her taxes onthat house!
Think of her taxes on that Winnebago! She's going to needa minimum of
another 240,000 cans for taxes alone. THAT POOR OLD DESTITUTE LADY NEEDS
HELP! IN FACT, ALL THE HELP WE CAN GIVE HER!
So, please join me & ask all your friends to lend a helping hand! We don't
know her address, but Al Gore does & we know Al's. It's "The Vice
President, The White House, Washington, DC 20500".
I've flattened out a tin can, slipped it into an envelope & mailed it to Al
today. It weighed 3oz. & cost me 77 cents.
Certainly there are enough compassionate folks out there to see that Al
gets over 240,000 tin cans in the next week or two. Not to worry about Al,
he can pack them into Air Force 2, & drop them off the next time he's
flying over Des Moines.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=- I can walk on water, but on alcohol I tend to stagger.
Get paid to surf the net. Join All Advantage.
Sign up today. http://www.alladvantage.com/home.asp?refid=IFI-810
Need a tagline? Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/
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Date: Wed, 18 Oct 2000 23:50:47 -0400
From: Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Ghostly Pun
An intrepid photographer went to a haunted castle determined to get a
picture of a ghost which was said to appear only once in a hundred
years.
Not wanting to frighten off the ghost, the photographer sat in the dark
until midnight when the apparition became visible.
The ghost turned out to be friendly and consented to pose for one
snapshot. The happy photographer popped a bulb into his camera and took
the picture.
After dashing into his studio, the photographer developed the negative
and groaned. It was underexposed and completely blank.
Moral: The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.
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