Digest for Sunday, July 15, 2001
There are 8 messages totalling 353 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Carpooling
- A Few Jokes
- Mens Golf Rules......
- Lettermans Top Ten George W. Bush Observations About New York City
- Too short.
- 2funnies
- Puns of the Weak 7/13/01 Part 2
- History
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Date: Sun, 15 Jul 2001 06:31:20 -0400
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Carpooling
For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the
woman with whom I carpooled to our children's soccer practices.
I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I
wouldn't be able to take my turn. A few minutes before she was
due to pick up my son, my husband showed up.
Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after
all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay
inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn't mention any-
thing about his father's whereabouts. Unfortunately, my husband
forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when
my carpool partner arrived.
When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she had
noticed.
"Yes," he replied, "she asked me which of the two men in front of
the house was my father. But don't worry. I told her I didn't
know."
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
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Date: Sun, 15 Jul 2001 07:44:45 -0500
From: Randall Woodman <rwoodman@HOME.COM>
Subject: A Few Jokes
Traffic Stop
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down
Main Street. "Officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"No explanation needed!" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool
your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I have to tell you something." The man tried again.
"Just keep quiet! You're going to jail and I'm not interested in what you
have to say!" the officer barked.
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for
you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood
when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
============================
Dog Story
I have a dog that talks in its sleep.
One day a visitor was astonished to hear the dog bellow, "My name is
Christopher Columbus! I am seven hundred years old! I own America! I married
Marilyn Monroe!"
When the visitor asked what was going on, I replied, "Don't worry about it.
Just let sleeping dogs lie."
=============================
Child's Perspective
An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It
was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one
was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see,
while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so. The mother
pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the
feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. "He
shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place! Spank him again!" the
5-year-old said.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=- Got Mole problems? Call Avogadro: 6.02 x 10^23
Need a tagline? Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/
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Date: Sun, 15 Jul 2001 08:42:46 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Men's Golf Rules......
Posted at a local golf club...........
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please.....while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes. Very good. Now flush the urinal, go
outside and tee off.
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Date: Sun, 15 Jul 2001 09:47:55 -0400
From: The Punk With The Stutter <the-punk-with-the-stutter@HOME.COM>
Subject: Letterman's Top Ten George W. Bush Observations About New York City
10. "That rat's big enough to wear a saddle"
9. "You can get a cab from JFK to midtown for only $250"
8. "When are they going to start drilling for oil in Central Park?"
7. "The city seems to have solved its King Kong problem"
6. "New York is the city that never sleeps and I'm the president who
sleeps 15 hours a night"
5. "Too many Clintons"
4. "Giuliani gets rid of all the strip clubs and people say I'm dumb"
3. "Foreign guys always buy yellow cars"
2. "There's a giant green lady with a torch! Run for your lives!"
1. "What a friendly town -- 5 ladies in Times Square asked if I'd like to
have sex"
©MMI, CBS Worldwide Inc.
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Date: Sun, 15 Jul 2001 10:36:35 -0700
From: Bill Austin <wbaustin@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Too short.
From: Raine Drops - Entertainment Daily
<---
<--
<-
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and
then she hung up.
"Wow!" said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours.
What happened?"
"Wrong number..." replied the girl.
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Date: Sun, 15 Jul 2001 10:35:41 -1000
From: Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: 2funnies
---------------------------------------------------------
A farmer and his wife were running late for a costume party.
They got into their 2-man cow costume and decided to take a
shortcut across a field.
Suddenly the farmer, who was the head of the cow, saw a bull
approaching.
When he told his wife she said, "Oh my, what are we going to
do?"
The farmer replied, "I'm going to pretend like I'm eating
grass, you'd better brace yourself."
------------------------------------------------------------
Golda and Marty were having an affair. One day Saul came
home early. Golda heard Saul's car pull into the driveway
and had Marty hide in the shower.
So Saul goes to the bedroom to change into some old clothes
and to take off the good gold.
He goes into the bathroom and sees the shower curtain shut.
This isn't normal, so he opens it.
Oy Vey!! There, naked in the shower, is his best friend
Marty.
"Marty! Vat the hell are you doing naked in my shower?"
Saul asked.
Marty looked at him and in as serious a tone as he could
come up with said, "Voting?"
________________________________________________________________
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Date: Sun, 15 Jul 2001 15:39:02 -0700
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns of the Weak 7/13/01 Part 2
•Donation: A country ruled by Mafia (Trevor Mytton)
•A Salaam done incorrectly is a false salaam (Syman Hirsch) .
•Marriage is like taking a bath! Not so hot once you're used to it!"
(Mort Saul)
•Remember: what the doctors did to Mr. Bobbit (Harry Farkas)
•Felony: a bone-jarring accident (Ashish G.)
•"I don't agree with the court ruling", Jack appealed with conviction..
(Damear A. Dadabayev)
•Pilot who places last in glider competition is soar loser. (The
International Save the Pun Foundation)
•What's the difference between snow peas and chick peas? A guy can write
his name with snow peas but a chick peas sitting down. (Gary Hallock)
•Carat: A rodent with love in its heart (Cynthia MacGregor)
•Why did everyone like to buy the psychic clothes for her birthday?
Because they knew she was a medium. (Joke-Of-The-Day)
•I'd rather be in the boat with a drink on the rocks than in the drink
with the boat on the rocks (Bree Schultz)
•Remiss: a divorced female (Harry Farkas)
•What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show? A celebrity roast.
(William Brubant)
•If you operate a drill press, you have a boring job. (Mike Bull)
•One dentist was also a chicken farmer, and misunderstood completely
when a guy ran in and yelled, "Doc, you gotta pullet!" (Pam Shorey)
•When a son said that his ambition was to drive an army tank, his father
said, 'I won't stand in your way.' (Pun of the Day)
•When the kids wanted skates, Dad got "in line." (Jumble)
•"Oh well, I guess I'll have to buy two dozen of these flowers," said
Tom morosely. (Gary Hallock)
•Sundry: How clotheslines work. (Tim Bruening)
•To love your fellow man is to know true joy. To get him out of the
house before your spouse comes home is probably also a good thing.
(Caroline Gennity/Very Punny)
•Rumor has it the LA Lakers froze a bit of the DNA of Kareem Abdul
Jabbar during his 1st year as a Laker. Reportedly, they will attempt to
use the frozen DNA to make an Iced Kareem Clone. (David Zeit)
•If you have reached a dead end, it could be that you're sitting on it.
(Renee from Napa)
•Motel 69 - We'll leave the red light on for you. (E4Fun)
•Numerical: What Jesus will perform after he comes back. (Gary Hallock)
•Sour grapes can turn into WHINES.(Doug Aiken)
•When their boy was little, they only got rest after son down. (Pun of
the Day)
•If the moon hit your eye like a big pizza pie, it might be amoré, but
I'd be more worried about the interplanetary gravitational effects from
this cataclysmic event. (Paul Paternoster)
•Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in
life. (Abhay)
•"His Honor is crazy," Tom admitted judgementally. (Stan Kegel)
•Hair Colorist: a dyeing breed (Michael Driscoll)
• Why do they build low-income housing in the neighborhood near the
train station? That's where depot people live (Gary Hallock)
•Two robbers with clubs went golfing, but they didn't play the fairway.
(Pun of the Day)
•The traverse rod was invented by an artist who wanted to draw drapes .
(Bob Weaver)
•A good carpenter will do his work and then varnish without a trace.
(Mike Bull)
•What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for
food? "Let us prey." (Bree Schultz)
•Two thousand pounds of human hair fell off a passing truck on the
Pennsylvania Turnpike, and blocked the roadway today. State Police are
still combing the area. (Syman Hirsch)
•What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts (William Brubant)
•Do you believe in the evolution of music or the big band theory? (David Ziet)
•What do you get when crossing a bestialitist, a Christian, and a
dyslexic? In dog we thrust. (Jack Kolb)
•Disappointment: My parole officer told me if I miss disappointment they
gonna send me back to the big house. (Michael Rogers)
•"Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it
is old enough to know better." (Matt Blaisdell)
•There's an old saying, "Neurotics build castles in the air and
psychotics live in them." My mother cleans them. (Rita Rudner)
•Put candles on your birthday cake to make light of your age. (Gr8Humor)
•Weather forecasters have to have lots of degrees (Bree's Balderdash)
•Atlas : Finally . (Gunjan Saraf)
•Ever wonder if a guy who speculatively purchases real estate near a
proposed lake should be known as "Dam site bettor?" (Gary Hallock)
•A bad shoemaker's assistant was given the boot. (Mike Bull)
•Never frighten a flower arranger. After all, what good is a petrified
florist? (Syman Hirsch)
•Climate : The only thing you can do with a ladder . (Gunjan Saraf) .
•The first cannibal asked the 2nd cannibal, "Aren't you done eating
yet?" The 2nd cannibal replied, "I'm on my last leg now." (William Brubant)
•Husband: "You don't deserve a man like me." Wife: "I don't deserve
arthritis either, but I got that." (Lee Daniel Quinn)
•The king's crown had sharp points. He had to be careful, or he could
diadem. (Pam Shorey)
•Half of U.S. High Schools require some study for graduation (Scott Adams)
•Sign in a supermarket: "Protect your bagels. Put lox on them." (Renee
from Napa)
•Bisexual: Someone who pays for sex (Stan Kegel)
•Guns don't kill people. But people who kill people sure seem to like
guns an awful lot. (Jim Rosenberg)
•She was so thrifty she could smell a bargain a mall away. (Pun of the Day)
•Climate : The only thing you can do with a ladder . (Gunjan Saraf) .
•The tower gave the pilot preparing to land the lowdown. (Jumble)
•What do you call a woman with no arm or leg on one side? Eileen (Daily Groaner)
•What Goes Clop, Clop, Clop, Bang, Bang, Clop,Clop, Clop? An Amish
Drive-By Shooting (The Placebo Page)
•A lawyer for a church did some cross-examining (Pun of the Day).
•Hotel: a place where you trade dollars for quarters (Michael
Driscoll)
•You know you are going to have to give up your computer or your life
when you refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. (Bree Schultz)
•Credits listed are my source for the jokes and do not necessarily
indicate the true author of the jokes. — s. k.
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Date: Sun, 15 Jul 2001 21:29:10 -0500
From: Les Pourciau <Pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: History
Mrs. Taylor asked her 5th grade history class, "When
was Rome built?" and called on Timothy to answer.
"Rome was built at night." he answered.
"At night?" asked Mrs. Taylor, somewhat puzzled. "Where
did you ever get such an idea?"
"Well," gulped Timothy, hoping his answer would satisfy
her. "Everybody knows Rome wasn't built in a day."
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