Digest for Thursday, January 17, 2002
There are 10 messages totalling 599 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Ambrose Calls Plagiarism Charges "Much Ado About Nothing"
- A Couple Chuckles
- How many of these fit you?
- SCIENCE
- Visit To The Psychiatrist
- Sex Laws Around the World:
- January 17th - Great Brinks Robbery Day
- New Uses For Justice Now That We Have Military Tribunals
- Freudian slip
- Moods
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Date: Thu, 17 Jan 2002 02:08:33 -0500
From: Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi718@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Ambrose Calls Plagiarism Charges "Much Ado About Nothing"
-- Releases First Book of Original Poems, "Leaves of Grass"
Helena, Mont. (SatireWire.com) — Stung by allegations of plagiarism, charges
he called little more than "the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,"
famed historian and best-selling author Stephen Ambrose surprised the
literary world today by releasing his first book of poetry, a bracing,
highly original collection entitled "Leaves of Grass."
Early reviews have been exultant, heralding Ambrose's ability to create
verse that is at once unique and yet, somehow, instantly memorable, as in
the book's first poem, "The Fall of the House of Usher":
In Xanadu did Kubla Khan,
A stately pleasure dome decree,
I think that I shall never see,
A poem as lovely as a tree
Unlike his biographies, which depend heavily on research and other
historians' works, Ambrose insisted "Leaves of Grass" was pure
stream-of-consciousness, a claim that makes the heart-wrenching "Parting at
Morning" all the more monumental:
Blackbird singing in the dead of night,
Take these broken wings and learn to fly,
You know you make me want to Shout!
Clap your hands now, Shout!
There is no joy in Mudville,
Might Casey has struck out.
"I thought writing histories and biographies was all I could do, but with
poetry I think I've finally found my center," said Ambrose, aimlessly
tapping a worn copy of Bartlett's Familiar Quotations sitting in his lap.
"From here on out, I'm taking my own advice: 'To thine own self be true.'"
_____
Copyright © 2000-2002, SatireWire.
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Date: Thu, 17 Jan 2002 04:16:43 -0500
From: Rose Vos <Belllfem@AOL.COM>
Subject: A Couple Chuckles
Martha Stewart's Tip for Rednecks - Part Deux
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded
and the deer is in sight.
3. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend
to alter the taste of finger foods.
5. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to wearing socks and shoes at weddings.
6. Be aggressive. Let your date know you're interested: "I've been wanting
to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years
ago."
----------
Let's see if I understand how the world works lately...
If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the
restaurant. If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung
cancer, your family blames the tobacco company. If your neighbor crashes
into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender. If your
grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television. If your
friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer. And
if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kil the pilot at
35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the
deceased blames the airline. I must have lived too long to understand the
world as it is anymore. So, if I die while my old, wrinkled arse is parked
in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates...okay?
Original Source: Unknown
www.geocities.com/jenneaux/index.html
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Date: Thu, 17 Jan 2002 05:57:12 -0800
From: Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: How many of these fit you?
1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
three.
3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He
emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa,
but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor this year.
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see
if it contains Echinacea.
7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your
newborn so she can create a screen saver.
8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see
if anyone is home.
9. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the
bottom of the screen.
10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now
sells for half the price you paid.
11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't
have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is cause for panic and
turning around to go get it.
12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a
purchase would be a hassle and take planning.
13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags
out of the back seat of your car.
14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they
do not have e-mail addresses.
15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
19. You get an extra phone line (or a ADSL/cable modem) so you can
get phone calls.
20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as
if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.
22. You wake up at 2 am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail
on your way back to bed.
23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
24. You're reading this.
25. Even worse, you're going to forward it to someone else
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Date: Thu, 17 Jan 2002 08:24:06 -0500
From: Paul Benoit <PBenoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: SCIENCE <adult>
- Vagina History -
Contrary to many school textbooks, the vagina has had a long
and plentiful history. The first recorded civilization to use
the vagina was the ancient Anciekian Tribe of East St. Louis.
This little known tribe consisted mainly of homosexual Native
Americans and quickly died out around 400 AD. Findings from
the Anciekian ruins tell us that the vagina was known as the
'Cha-Cha' and initially used as a tobacco pouch. The idea was
abandoned once it was determined that tobacco held in the
vagina didn't burn well and smelled like a burning kid that
had Band-Aids on.
The vagina was rediscovered in 1648 by Dr. Jeddidiah Vagina, and
aptly named so. Legend claims that one day while eating potatoes,
a giblet fell off his fork into his lap. While searching for the
missing piece, Dr. Vagina discovered a moist flap of skin around
his groinal area. Astounded at this new discovery, he quickly
finished the potato and began writing a complete thesis on this
skin, an article that was published in medical journals worldwide.
All the world of medicine hailed Dr. Vagina and his new discovery,
which would forever change the way the world stores it's potatoes.
After an inspection launched by the Marquee De Sade, it was
determined that approx. half of all humans are inflicted with a
vagina. This staggering statistic could even one day reach into
the hundreds.
Over the years, several other scientists experimented with the
vagina, in hopes to further knowledge on the phenomenon. Benjamin
Franklin once flew a kite in a storm, with one end tied to Mrs.
Franklin's vagina. George Washington Carver filled vaginas with
peanuts. But it wasn't until Thomas Edison's invention of the light
bulb, did anyone know exactly what a vagina looked like. All they
knew was that it felt like a furry frothing slug underneath the
bedsheets.
The vagina is still a mystery today. Scientists and Theologists
frequently debate it's purpose to no avail. An overwhelming wave
of scientists agree that the true purpose of the vagina is for
traction, should a vaginaed person lose the use of their legs.
Theologists seem to agree that the vagina serves a great religious
significance. Even the rednecks have ideas; They claim that vaginas
were sent here from outerspace so we wouldn't lose our TV Guides.
IMPORTANT DATES IN THE VAGINA'S HISTORY:
* 350-400 AD: Anciekian tribe uses vagina
* 1648: North American Discovery of Vagina
* 1649: Publication of Dr. Vagina's Article in Harper's Journal
under the column 'New Smells'.
* 1861: United States Civil War erupts over dispute regarding the
soverenty of the Vagina.
* 1917: John Fitzgerald Kennedy, future 35th President of the
United States, emerges from Rose Kennedy's Vagina.
* 1941: Portable Pocket Vagina invented. Franklin Delano Roosevelt
claims it to be "A day that will live in infamy."
* 1952: Surgeon General warns public about the dangers of blowing
air into the vagina.
-----------------------------------------
Pope John Paul II's Address on the Vagina
With more questions being asked daily and public pressure mounting,
during his Sunday Mass in Rome the Pope spoke publicly for the first
time regarding his stance on the issue of Vagina Existance. Some see
the Vatican's vagina acknowledgement as a step toward unification of
the church once divided between vaginarian lines. Some see it as
another attempt to cover the tracks of those responsible for the
explosion of vagina-related instances. Read on and see for yourself.
-Dr. Nate-
"...and finally to my subjects;
In recent months, scientists, politicians, the media, the X-Files,
and other 'authorities' have been fueling the public's imagination
with unwarranted speculation of the 'vagina'. It is God's will that
the subject of the vagina is not to be explored. Whether God made
the vagina is not for us to question. We shall know in due time, once
God tells us what it is for. Man may question and even speculate on
the purpose of a vagina, but no conclusions should be drawn into it's
origin. There is still no proof that the vagina exists. I do not have
a vagina, nor have I ever seen one. I'm not even sure if I have a
butthole or not. But if a vagina does exist than it exists only
because God made it and we have no right to question his motives. If
anyone listening has ever seen a vagina, please email me a picture
( his_holiness@vatican.org )."
(c) Kill Ugly Television
http://www.killuglytv.com/vagina/vagina.html
(Thanks to Ernie!)
*****************
The more you know, the more you know you ought to know.
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intended for a specific individual and purpose, and is protected by law. -
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Date: Thu, 17 Jan 2002 09:05:50 -0500
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Visit To The Psychiatrist
"I had the strangest dream last night," a man was telling his
psychiatrist. "I saw my mother, but when she turned around to
look at me, I noticed that she had your face. As you can imagine,
I found this very disturbing. In fact I woke up immediately, and
couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for
morning to come, and then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right
over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain
the meaning of this strange dream."
The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding:
"A Coke? That's a breakfast?"
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
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Date: Thu, 17 Jan 2002 08:15:43 -1000
From: Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: Sex Laws Around the World:
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.) -
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is
prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may
only see their reflection in a mirror. -
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered
with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick?) -
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation........
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside
and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex
for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden
for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job
anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?) -
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover,
on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!) -
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical
fish stores. (But of course!)
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the
first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the
act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.) -
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman
and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough
problem that they had to pass this law?) -
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one
exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only
"in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the
premises. (Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam,
however)
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Date: Thu, 17 Jan 2002 12:16:27 -0800
From: Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: January 17th - Great Brinks Robbery Day <Offensive to stupid robbers>
In 1950, thieves got away with $28 million in robbing a Brinks truck in
Boston, Massachusetts.
HOW NOT TO ROB A BANK
According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated
and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who
apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information
was included in an interesting, amusing article titles "How Not to Rob a
Bank," by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers
Almanac.
Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras,
76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank
before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing
the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with
examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:
1. PICK THE RIGHT BANK: Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the
fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in
business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too
familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making
his getaway. She turned him in.
2. APPROACH THE RIGHT TELLER: Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan.
One teller in Springfield, MA, followed the holdup man out of the bank and
down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing
police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup
note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to
the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
3. DON'T SIGN YOUR DEMAND NOTE: Demand notes have been written on the back
of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an
envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in East
Hartford, CT, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature
and account number.
4. BEWARE OF DANGEROUS VEGETABLES: A man in White Plains, NY, tried to hold
up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he
showed them his "weapon."
5. AVOID BEING FUSSY: A robber in Panorama City, CA, gave a teller a note
saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The
teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left.
6. DON'T ADVERTISE: A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment
on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it
accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank
robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing
stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in
drawing attention to themselves.
7. TAKE RIGHT TURNS ONLY: Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who
took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove
up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered
the security men money.
8. PROVIDE YOUR OWN TRANSPORTATION: It is not clever to borrow the teller's
car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most
quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, MA.
9. DON'T BE TOO SENSITIVE: In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing
the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points out,
not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego and
Boston painfully discovered.
10. CONSIDER ANOTHER LINE OF WORK: One nervous Newport, RI, robber, while
trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in
the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal
in Swansea, MA, who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He
was still unconscious when the police arrived.
In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, for
example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bank
holdups reported.
Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
Chuckles of Choice Web Site
http://www.chucklesofchoice.com
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Date: Thu, 17 Jan 2002 22:31:33 -0500
From: The Punk with the Stutter <thepunkwiththestutter@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: New Uses For Justice Now That We Have Military Tribunals
• Pound flat, bake.
• Let it impregnate and subsequently abandon Mick Jagger.
• Sell for scrap to South America; import re-engineered Japanese version
with text messaging.
• Call it art.
• Add bells and lights--justice makes a swell ride for kids!
• Fire it backwards through time to switch Cyndi Lauper's career with
Madonna's, if only because "Evita" was such a disappointment.
• Send it back to grad school, but for something practical this time.
• Let Joe Eszterhas punch it up some.
• Let it punch up Joe Eszterhas some.
• Order it to bring back NBC's "Supertrain," no matter the cost.
• Apply to affected area.
_____________
by Jim Jazwiecki
Copyright 2001 Modern Humorist, Inc.
====================
Press Briefing by the Press Secretary
FLEISCHER: WHITE HOUSE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
RUMORS ARE "PATENTLY UNSUBSTANTIATED"
For Immediate Release
Office of the Press Secretary
January 15, 2002 - 9:00 A.M. EST
MR. FLEISCHER: Good morning ladies and gentlemen. As all of you in the
press corps are so rabidly aware, early yesterday morning saw President Bush
emerge from the East Wing family quarters sporting conspicuous blunt force
injuries around his left eye and mouth. At that time, he offered a
perfectly rational and believable explanation which made it clear that his
bruises were NOT inflicted at the hands of an alcohol-enraged spouse. But
since then, the President has looked on in discomfort and anguish as hateful
rumors to the contrary have multiplied like so many libidinous Puerto Rican
immigrants.
And so this morning, it is my duty to stand here before you and formally
issue the TRUE facts relating to the President's injuries:
1. The President's injuries are NOT the result of domestic violence. Any
and all rumors suggesting otherwise are PATENTLY UNSUBSTANTIATED.
2. President Bush, a remarkably fit and athletic man whose most recent
physical examination summarized his health as "excellent," suddenly lost
consciousness while lying supine in front of the television. This was
caused by a pretzel. This is nothing unusual or odd. I'm sure that many of
you have also become unconscious - or even slipped into a brief, uneventful
coma - eating snack foods.
3. Though reclined, and unconscious, the President's face made violent
contact with a nearby strip of early 19th century floor molding, the
hand-carved decorative pattern of which left vaguely knuckle-shaped
indentations below his left eye.
4. While unconscious, Mr. Bush instinctively performed the Heimlich
Maneuver on himself. Contrary to a report in Newsweek, Barney did not
dislodge the offending pretzel piece.
5. At the time of the President's collapse, Mrs. George W. Bush ("Laura")
had NOT partaken of no fewer than five Cosmopolitans, and was NOT vocally
bemoaning his continued neglect of her formidable mid-life libido.
And that's all there is to it. I hope this clarifies things for everyone
here. The administration trusts that you will forthwith adjust your
reporting to address this corrected reality.
No questions. Thank you.
__________
©2001-2002 - a chickenhead productions parody
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Date: Thu, 17 Jan 2002 19:54:23 -0800
From: Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Freudian slip
George W. Bush, upon meeting Arizona Diamondbacks general manager Joe Garagiola Jr. said, "I'm always suspicious of guys who've got a famous father."
+Source: Sports Illustrated, Jan. 7, 2002+
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Date: Thu, 17 Jan 2002 22:04:07 -0600
From: Randall Woodman <rwoodman@ATTBI.COM>
Subject: Moods
MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
a woman is a bundle of contradiction,
she's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
but will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
she'll take him for better, she'll take him for worse
she'll break open his head and then be his nurse
but when he's well and can get out of bed
she'll pick up the tea-pot and aim for his head.
beautiful and keenly sighted, yet blind,
crafty and cruel, yet simple and kind
she'll call him a king, then make him a clown,
raise him on a pedestal, then knock him flat down.
she'll inspire him to deeds that ennoble man,
or make him her lackey to carry her fan.
she'll run away from him and never come back
but if he runs away, then she'll be on his tracks.
sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
she'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
she'll win you in range, enchant you in silk,
she'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk
at times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
she'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
-------------------------------------------------------------
MOODS OF A MAN
Horny.
--------------------------------------------
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=- If you think women are moody and bossy - get a cat.
Need a Tagline? Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/
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