Digest for Friday, May 03, 2002
There are 11 messages totalling 542 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Multi-Cultural Ethnical Gibes And Jestings
- Great truths [Some repeats; some new, at least to me]
- The Truth About BBQing.....
- Only in America
- A day at the zoo
- New Government Warnings
- Open
- The Job
- Dead to Get Back at One Medium for Harassing Them
- In the army
- This Weeks News In Brief < adult >
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Date: Fri, 3 May 2002 07:24:19 -0400
From: Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: Multi-Cultural Ethnical Gibes And Jestings <adult, off.>
These jokes were meant to offend everyone equally. If for some reason
you are not offended, please write us with a description of yourself
including your name, race, religious views, political party, strong
opinions, physical disabilities and anything else that you are touchy
about, and we will try to cover you in a future issue.
======================================================
Cinco de Mayo - May 5th
A radio station talk show host was discussing Cinco de Mayo,
and mentioned that it was to celebrate the victory of the
Mexicans over the French in 1862.
One of his listeners called in and asked why the big deal...
"Hasn't everyone defeated the French?"
-- + -- + -- + -- + -- -- + -- -- + --
JEWISH WEDDINGS
Here Are the Differences:
- At an Orthodox wedding, the mother of the bride may be pregnant.
- At a Conservative wedding, the bride may be pregnant.
- At a Reform wedding, the Rabbi may be pregnant.
- At a Reconstructionist wedding, the groom may be pregnant.
-- + -- + -- + -- + -- -- + -- -- + --
KKK Bumper Sticker:
If I knew it would turn out like this,
I'd have picked my own damn cotton!
-- + -- + -- + -- + -- -- + -- -- + --
AMISH VIRUS::
You have just received the Amish Virus.
Since we do not have electricity or
computers, you are on the honor system.
Please delete all of your files.
Thank thee.
-- + -- + -- + -- + -- -- + -- -- + --
Q: What do you get when you cross a Rastafarian with a Jew?
A: Dredlox.
-- + -- + -- + -- + -- -- + -- -- + --
A young uneducated black man applied for a job in an office.
After the interview, he left and hooked up with his homies.
One asked, "How'd it go?"
The guy answered, "First part was smooth. But den she wanted
to see my testimonials. So I showed 'em and she freaked. There
went da job."
-- + -- + -- + -- + -- -- + -- -- + --
Q: What did the Polack do before going to the cockfight?
A: Greased his zipper.
-- + -- + -- + -- + -- -- + -- -- + --
A guy from Brooklyn was in Hong Kong passing through the native
quarter, and was surprised to see a synagogue. He went in and
sure enough, he saw a Chinese rabbi and a Chinese congregation.
The service was touching.
As the service ended, the rabbi stood at the door greeting his
congregants. When our Brooklyn friend came up, the Chinese rabbi
said,...."You a Jew?"
"Yes, I'm Jewish," replied the Brooklynite.
"Funny," said the Chinese rabbi. "You don't look it."
-- + -- + -- + -- + -- -- + -- -- + --
Mick and Paddy get off a ship and head for the nearest bar. Each
one orders two whiskeys and immediately downs them. They then order
two more whiskeys and once again quickly throw them back. They then
order another two whiskeys apiece.
Paddy picks up one of his drinks, turns to Mick and says, "Cheers!"
Mick turns to Paddy and says, "Hey, did you come here to bullshit,
or did you come here to drink?"
*********************
BUFFET: A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself!"
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Date: Fri, 3 May 2002 06:46:48 -0700
From: Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Great truths [Some repeats; some new, at least to me]
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE
LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her
brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They
always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same
time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of
milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's
lap.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a
few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that
held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the
inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the
fiber, not the joy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the
preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do
while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation
from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller
coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but
nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy
beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes
alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh
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Date: Fri, 3 May 2002 08:17:15 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Truth About BBQ'ing.....
It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers
to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion:
1. The woman goes to the store.
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with
the necessary cooking utensils and takes it to the man, who is lounging
beside the grill, drinking a beer.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off". And, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing
some women.
HAPPY BBQing THIS SUMMER!!!
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Date: Fri, 3 May 2002 08:09:54 -0500
From: Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Only in America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,
and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
driveways and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want
to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.
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Date: Fri, 3 May 2002 13:24:00 +0000
From: Randall Woodman <rwoodman@ATTBI.COM>
Subject: A day at the zoo
It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are
spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink
spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans
and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning.
As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very
large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (no pun
intended.)
He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he
grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously
excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing
the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases
the poor fellow some more.
The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him,
and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited,
making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show
a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the
bars down.
"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him."
he says... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing
flips.
Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the
cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.
"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=- And then Adam asked Eve, "What's a headache?"
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Date: Fri, 3 May 2002 09:54:55 -0400
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: New Government Warnings
As most Americans are familiar with, the federal government
mandates health warnings on Alcoholic products to warn people
about the potential negative effects. This is also an increasing
occurrence in other countries as well.
It has come to our attention that a few additional warning may be
appropriate.
1. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that a "2" is
a "10".
2. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring
story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH
YOUR HEAD IN.
3. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
4. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
5. Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your pants.
6. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
morning and see something really scary (whose species and or
name you can't remember).
7. Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable
rug burns on the forehead.
8. Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big
guy, named Moose.
9. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
AND, Most important of all
10. Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of pregnancy in
the world. Proceed with caution.
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
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Date: Fri, 3 May 2002 08:43:53 -0600
From: Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: Open
A couple arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up their
car and were told that the keys had been accidentally locked
in it. They went to the service department and found a
mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As they watched from the passenger's side, the couple
instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was
open. "Hey," they announced to the technician, "It's open!"
"I know," answered the technician. "I already got that side."
---
If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on
something.
~Fran Lebowitz
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Date: Fri, 3 May 2002 07:54:42 -1000
From: Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: The Job
The interviewer examined the job application then turned to the
prospective employee: "I see you have put ASAP down for the date
you are available to start, meaning 'as soon as possible', of
course. However, I also see that you have put 'AMAP' down for
required salary. I don't believe I've ever seen that before.
What does it mean?"
The applicant replied, "As Much as Possible!"
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Date: Fri, 3 May 2002 16:41:18 -0400
From: Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Dead to Get Back at One Medium for Harassing Them
On April 28th and 30th, 2002, CBS television disgraced itself by showing a
program
(Living With the Dead) based on the autobiography of James Van Praagh. Van
Praagh
is a self-proclaimed medium. In what was presented as a "true" story Van Praagh
used
a Ouiji Board to get the name of an unidentified murder victim. The network of
Edward R. Murrow now presents this kind of tripe as "true"! Fortunately,
someone has given Van Praagh the kind of thoughtful analysis he
deserves. jhm
=====================
Dead To Sue Van Praagh
by Shaun Cronin and Dave Vaughan (Skeptical Skoundrels)
James Van Praagh, alleged psychic who claims to be able to talk to the dead, is
to be sued by the very souls that he claims to be able to contact.
A suit was filed in Washington Superior court by James M Baggs on behalf of the
dead. The suit claims harassment by Van Praagh against the dead who just want to
live in the next plane of existence in peace
"This Van Praagh is really ruining the afterlife for my clients," said Baggs.
"They are dead. They want to have nothing more to do with the living. Take the
case of Belvidore Rambottom. He died 3 years ago. He was happy. Now his wife
follows Van Praagh around asking him to contact her husband. Mr Rambottom is
glad to be dead. If you met his wife you would understand why. She just keeps
nagging and nagging. He cannot rest."
Mr Baggs also claims that Van Praagh is largely incompetent. "Have you ever seen
him perform? He takes forever to just get basic information, such as the names
of the deceased, correct. Is he hard of hearing? To be honest, I do suspect some
of the more mischevious spirits are toying with him. Like the one that kept
telling Van Praagh there was a bagful of cash in the Florida swamps. They got a
laugh when Van Praagh spent weeks trekking through the swamps and all he got was
a close call with an alligator and a severe rash."
The dead also want royalties. With the shows that Van Praagh does and the books
he sells. "The dead really deserve most of the money that Van Praagh is making"
states to Baggs. "Without the dead Van Praagh would be nowhere."
On being questioned about how Baggs talks to the dead he replied, "Oh its easy.
I channel them through a Ouiji board." …
Last update: Saturday, May 19, 2001 02:10:59
http://www.skepticalskoundrels.com/vap.html
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Date: Fri, 3 May 2002 18:05:46 -0700
From: Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: In the army
+Got this from HUMOR subscriber Howard Huff+
A long standing friend who has had a distinguished military career told me about a general staff meeting he attended many years ago. A young captain was present, his very first such meeting.
The general threw out a tactical problem seeking answers. The colonel, sitting on the general's right, leaned into the problem and answered the problem in detail. During this process the captain, at the foot of the gathering, kept shaking his head.
After the colonel had finished the general looked around and asked if anyone had anything to add. Somewhat brashly the captain spoke up, "I disagree completely with the colonel, sir."
"Don't you think it might be wise to defer to the judgment of the colonel, captain?" Right back, "That is not the way you made general, sir".
The general looked at the captain for about ten seconds and finally said, "No, you are right captain. But that sure as hell is how I made major."
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Date: Sat, 4 May 2002 01:31:07 -0400
From: The Punk <the-punk-with-the-stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: This Week's News In Brief < adult >
Car Salesman Three Desks Over Going On And On About Chick He Banged Last Night
VIENNA, VA— The sales associate three desks over from Chevy/Geo dealer Karl Glodek is
going on and on about the chick he banged last night, sources reported Monday. "You would
not believe the stamina on this chick. Hours. She was a total freak," the salesman told
an unnamed friend over the phone, as well as Glodek and the couple about to sign on a 2002
Chevy Prizm sedan. "Incredible rack, too—like, out to here." Glodek then suggested the
couple go outside for "one more look at that beaut of a Prizm."
Secretary Of Agriculture Gently Reminded About Dress Code
WASHINGTON, DC— After attending Monday's Cabinet meeting in a flannel work shirt and
tattered jeans, Agriculture Secretary Ann Veneman was gently reminded by President Bush
about the executive-branch dress code. "Say, you know, we get a lot of foreign
dignitaries coming through here," Bush told Veneman. "So I think it might be a good idea
if you had a little bit more of a professional appearance. Like maybe a nice navy-blue
dress." Bush also encouraged Veneman to consider dress shoes instead of her usual
steel-toe work boots.
TV Guide Channel Tops Nielsens
LOS ANGELES— For the 11th straight week, the TV Guide Channel topped the Nielsen ratings,
scoring blockbuster numbers in virtually all time slots and days of the week. "The
frustrating experience of trying to find something decent on TV has meant ratings gold for
the TV Guide Channel, Variety editor Peter Bart said. "By providing a means to search for
something—anything—worth watching, this 24-hour electronic scroll has made itself
America's most-watched channel."
Paul Lynde Impersonation Lost On Daughter's Friends
WAKEFIELD, MA— Sarah Ammons, 14, expressed befuddlement Monday, when, during a ride to
school, her father attempted to entertain her and several friends with an impromptu
impersonation of late comedian and Hollywood Squares regular Paul Lynde. "The next time I
have a daughter, I hope it's a boy!" Bob Ammons, 41, bleated nasally in an imitation of
the once-popular pop-culture reference. "Paul Lynde." Added Ammons: "Center square,
usually sat between George Gobel and Rose Marie? Voice of Templeton the rat?" After
dropping the girls off at school, Ammons stared into his car's rear-view mirror at the
crow's feet developing around his eyes.
Correct Theory Discarded In Favor Of More Exciting Theory
GRETNA, NE— The correct theory regarding the closing of Marvin's Diner was discarded
Monday in favor of a far more exciting theory. "I bet the Omaha mafia muscled them out,"
said Gretna resident Lucinda Dunfee, pondering the fate of Marvin's Diner, which was shut
down due to health-code violations. "They were taking business away from Steak Barrel,
and those guys don't care who they get mixed up with." Dunfee noted that the restaurant's
trash cans were often overturned during the night, which was likely an act of intimidation
on the part of the Omaha crime syndicate.
___ ___ ___ ___ ___
© Copyright 2002 Onion, Inc.
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