Digest for Tuesday, August 26, 2008

There are 8 messages totalling 338 lines in this issue.





Topics of the day:

Quote of the Day...
Quickies
Swimming Lessons
Nookie Green
In Class
New Yiddish Words - Part III
August 26th - USA Kindergarten Day
Wal Mart Job Interview (adult)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 26 Aug 2008 02:13:30 -0400
From:    Marianne <merantz@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: Quote of the Day...

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always
carry a small snake.

                                            W. C. Fields

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index

Date:    Tue, 26 Aug 2008 02:36:12 -0600
From:    Marsha in Texas <marsha1945@AUSTIN.RR.COM>
Subject: Quickies

Where'd the dentist go on vacation? To the mouth of the Mississippi

If athletes get athlete's foot, What do workers at Macdonald's get?
Fallen arches.

"It was last week in 1974 that Richard Nixon resigned the presidency
after getting caught lying and violating the Constitution. Remember
when violating the Constitution used to get you kicked out of office?"
-Jay Leno

Now is the time for all good men to come to. -Walt Kelly

Some people approach every problem with an open mouth.
-Adlai Stevenson

Humility is no substitute for a good personality. -Fran Lebowitz

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

I do not mind lying, but I hate inaccuracy. -Samuel Butler

You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will
be too late.  --Ralph Waldo Emerson

0ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo0
 You can help boost the ego of Humor Contributors by
getting friends and family and underlings to subscribe
to UGA HUMOR ..... just forward this info to them all.
  How-To-Subscribe at ---> http://thehumorlist.com
0ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo0

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index

Date:    Tue, 26 Aug 2008 05:05:29 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Swimming Lessons

[excerpted from The Old Perfesser's diary]

Dear Diary,

Over sixty years ago, my father taught me
to swim by throwing me in the river.
Mother told me of his deathbed confession:
He wasn't trying to teach me to swim.

          - The Old Perfesser

------------------------------------------------
Join the UGA HumorList: http://thehumorlist.com
------------------------------------------------

_________________________________________________________________
Get ideas on sharing photos from people like you.  Find new ways to share.
http://www.windowslive.com/explore/photogallery/posts?ocid=TXT_TAGLM_WL_Photo_Gallery_082008

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index

Date:    Tue, 26 Aug 2008 07:33:00 -0400
From:    Phil Glowatz <PhilGlowatz@NYC.RR.COM>
Subject: Nookie Green <adult>

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last
confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three
Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father,
it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with
Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the
sermon, a tall,voluptuous,drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered
the sanctuary.
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up
the aisle a and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and
very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress
and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart,
but enough.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to
calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index

Date:    Tue, 26 Aug 2008 15:22:54 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: In Class

T.O.P., the grammar teacher, wrote "Like I ain't had no fun in months"
on the board and then asked, "Pauly, how should I correct that?"

Little Pauly: "Maybe you should get a girlfriend?"

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index

Date:    Tue, 26 Aug 2008 13:34:25 -0500
From:    Topolski, Leonard P. <Leonard.Topolski@LYONDELLBASELL.COM>
Subject: New Yiddish Words - Part III

Minyastics (n.) Going to incredible lengths and
troubles to find a tenth person to complete a Minyan.

Feelawful (n.) Indigestion from eating Israeli street
food, especially falafel.

Dis-kvellified (v.) To drop out of law school, med
school or business school as seen through the
eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In
extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art
history when Irv's son David is majoring in biology
is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.

Impasta (n.) A Jew who starts eating leavened
foods before the end of Passover.

Kinders Shlep (v.) To transport other kids besides
yours in your car.

Schmuckluck (n.) Finding out one's wife became
pregnant after one had a vasectomy.

Shofarsogut (n.) The relief you feel when, after
many attempts, the shofar is finally blown at the
end of Yom Kippur.

Trayffic Accident (n.) An appetizer one finds out
has pork in it.

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index

Date:    Tue, 26 Aug 2008 21:20:58 -0400
From:    sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM
Subject: August 26th - USA Kindergarten Day

Today is the 239th day of the year, with only 128 days remaining in 2008.

CELEBRATING TODAY:  USA KINDERGARTEN DAY
The first public school kindergarten in the U.S. was authorized by the
school board of St. Louis, MO in 1873. The school was opened by Susan
Elizabeth Blow.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL
The first day of school is always special to me. It's the only day of
the year when I'm not behind in my homework.

The first day of school wouldn't be so bad if it weren't followed by
the second day of school, and the third day of school, and then the
fourth day of school ...

The first day of school is exciting, but so is riding a roller
coaster, and I wouldn't want to do that for nine months in a row either.

Teachers always seem happy on the first day of school. That's because
they're getting paid to be there. We kids have to do it for free.

Show me a kid who likes the first day at school and I'll show you a
kid who likes to get his lip caught under a manhole cover.

There's one good thing about the first day of school. When it's over;
you're one day closer to the last day of school.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

MISSING HOMEWORK
"Vernon, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the
little boy while holding out her hand.

"My dog ate it," was his solemn response.

"Vernon, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect
me to believe that?"

"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted the boy. "I had to force
him, but he ate it!"
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

WINERY:  Nursery school.  (wordfoolery.com)
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

SNIGLET FOR THE DAY
TOURISTS:  "People who take training classes just to get a vacation
from their jobs. Example: "We had three serious students in the class;
the rest were just tourists."
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
Jest-A-Day Journal - http://jestaday.com
____________________________________________________________
To subscribe, send an email to LISTSERV@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU with the
command SUBSCRIBE HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname in the BODY of the
message.

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index

Date:    Tue, 26 Aug 2008 18:39:06 -1000
From:    mhennigan <mhennigan@HAWAII.RR.COM>
Subject: Wal Mart Job Interview (adult)

=20

A manager at  <http://www.walmart.com/> Wal-Mart had the task of hiring
someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes =
he
found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the =
four in
and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of =
them
would get the job.=20

The day came and as the four sat20around the conference room table, the
interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'=20

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's =
no
warning.

'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?' he =
asked
the second man.=20

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that =
it
ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'=20

'Excellent!' said the in terviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very
popular clich=E9 for speed.'=20

He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep,
TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.=20

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he =
had
found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the =
same
question.=20

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's =
obvious
to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'=20

'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, =
and
I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE
LIGHT, I had already shit in my pants.'=20

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now =
on!

Found in my in-box. Author unknown to me.

To subscribe, send an email to LISTSERV@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU with the =
command
SUBSCRIBE HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname in the BODY of the message.

=20

=20

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index