Digest for Monday, April 12, 1993
There are 16 messages totalling 345 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Re: Christian buttons
- Another Clinton Joke (G)
- Epic Limerick-topic is necrophilia-RATING XX
- Re: Christian buttons
- Clinton Joke : Rated G
- Bumpersticker
- Animal rights, Rated G
- Re: Bumpersticker #
- Do You Remember Elephant Jokes?
- George Bush in heaven
- Re: Do You Remember Elephant Jokes?
- Elephants and Grapes, Variation, G
- Golf joke PG13
- Re: Do You Remember Elephant Jokes?
- Re: Bumpersticker
- Re: Posted on a door
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Date: Mon, 12 Apr 1993 02:34:00 GMT
From: Steve Bannister <0004828598@MCIMAIL.COM>
Subject: Re: Christian buttons
> Or how about this bit of graffiti:
> Jesus saves, and Esposito scores!!
Or: Jesus saves, and Moses invests.
sjb
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Date: Mon, 12 Apr 1993 08:17:39 EST
From: ADKO000 Kathleen Olivier - Computer Center<ADKO@NMUMUS.BITNET>
Subject: Another Clinton Joke (G)
One morning while Bill Clinton was out for his jog an out-of-control
car swerved up on the sidewalk and nearly killed him -- except for the
three teenagers standing near the curb that reached out and grabbed him
and pulled him from harm's way just in the nick of time. Feeling quite
appreciative and grateful to the youths Mr. Clinton asked what he could
do to repay them for their livesaving deed. The first teenage said what
he wanted more than anything was to get into Harvard next fall when he
graduates from high school. Clinton said "No problem" and turned to the
next kid and asked him what he wanted. He had always wanted to go to
Yale and asked Clinton if he could arrange that. Clinton said it was as
good as done. Then the third youth spoke up and asked for a plot in
Arlington National Cemetary. Clinton said that while it was a very
strange request he did indeed have the power to grant it but would only
like to know why the kid asked for such a thing. And the teenager
replied "Because when my Dad finds out what I just did I'm gonna need
it!"
Kathleen Olivier
Marquette, Michigan (NMU)
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Date: Mon, 12 Apr 1993 09:50:19 -0400
From: Martin A. Thompson <ROIHAR@CRL.AECL.CA>
Subject: Epic Limerick-topic is necrophilia-RATING XX
KING HENRY'S NEW WIFE HE DID HATE HER,
FOR SHE FARTED AND PISSED WHEN HE ATE HER,
SEX WITH HER DID HE DREAD,
SO HE CHOPPED OFF HER HEAD,
BUT HE SAVE THE REMAINDER...FOR LATER!
HE USED HER MOST OFTEN AT NIGHT,
SHE WAS HARDER TO SEE WITHOUT LIGHT,
NEVER ONCE DID SHE MOAN,
WHEN HE DROVE HIMSELF HOME,
BUT NEVER ONCE DID SHE PUT UP A FIGHT!
FROM THEN ON SHE WAS FAITHFUL AND TRUE,
'THOUGH HER FLESH TURNED PURPLE AND BLUE,
FOR A WHILE SHE WAS HOT,
WHEN SHE'D STARTED TO ROT,
THEN SHE BLOATED AND RIPPED RIGHT IN TWO!
HE RELIED ON HER FOR HIS RELEASES,
DECOMPOSITION FORMED NATURAL GREASES,
THEN WITH UNDYING LOVE... A PUSH AND A SHOVE,
UNDYING PASSION... NOT SUBJECT TO FASHION,
FRANTIC EMOTION... AND FERVEROUS MOTION,
HE LITERALLY LOVED HER TO PIECES!
SHE LOOKED LIKE SHE'D BEEN THROUGH A MEAT-GRINDER,
BUT DEPENDING ON HOW HE ALIGNED HER,
SHE COULD TAKE WHAT HE HAD,
WITHOUT OOZING TOO BAD,
IT WORKED BEST WITH A PILLOW BEHIND HER!
SHE LASTED NIGH ONTO A YEAR,
AND YOU MAY THINK HIS HABITS QUITE QUEER,
BUT COULD YOU JUSTIFY WASTE,
ON PRETENSE OF GOOD TASTE,
WITH THE BODY YOU YEARNED FOR S O N E A R !
FOR A WHILE HE THOUGHT HE MIGHT FREEZE HER,
"MAKE IT LAST!" THOUGHT THE HORNY OL' GEEZER,
BUT HE NOTED WITH AWE,
SHE TOOK TEN DAYS TO THAW,
TO THE POINT WHERE A FELLOW COULD SEIZE HER!
KING HENRY BECAME AN OLD MAN,
HE RELIED MORE AND MORE ON HIS HAND,
BUT HE NEVER FORGOT HER,
HIS LOVABLE ROTTER,
THE RIPEST IN ALL O' THE LAND!!!
Martin A. Thompson
(I won $5 for this Epic tale at
a Bawdy Limerick Contest at
Carleton University, Ottawa
in 1981)
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Date: Mon, 12 Apr 1993 10:10:44 -0400
From: Russell, Lise <L_RUSSELL@UNHH.UNH.EDU>
Subject: Re: Christian buttons
My housemate has a GREAT button that says "My God can beat up your God"
Ha! Ha?
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Date: Mon, 12 Apr 1993 08:06:33 PDT
From: Jeff Whitmire <jwhit@WBST845E.XEROX.COM>
Subject: Clinton Joke : Rated G
Bill Clinton was out for his usual daily jog when he slipped and fell into
the road right into the path of an oncoming truck. Three teenagers happened
to be standing on the corner and pulled him out of the road just in the knick
of time.
"Phew!", responded the president, "You boys really saved my life. Just name
what I can do to repay you. No request will be denied for saving the life
of the president."
Boy 1 : "I would like to go to the Naval Academy."
President : "You got it."
Boy 2 : "I have a friend who needs an operation and his family has no money."
President : "He'll have it."
Boy 3 : "I would like to be buried in Arlington National Cemetary."
President : "Buried at Arlington? But, you're so young, why would you ask
for that?"
Boy 3 : "Because, when my dad finds out what I just did, he's going
to kill me!!!"
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Not my joke, but I thought it worth repeating.
Jeff Whitmire
jwhit@wbst845e.xerox.com
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Date: Mon, 12 Apr 1993 10:23:24 -0700
From: Ron Freund <FREUND_R%MAUI@VAXF.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject: Bumpersticker
Bumpersticker on a car in Boulder, CO:
Visualize Whirrled Peas
(Visualize World Peace)
Ron Freund
FREUND_R@UCOLMCC.BITNET
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Date: Mon, 12 Apr 1993 10:54:27 -0600
From: Roger Drake <FAC_DRAKE@WSC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject: Animal rights, Rated G
On seeing her friend in a fur coat, she says:
"That's really beautiful, but don't you pity the poor beast who suffered
that you might have it?
"Leave my husband out of this."
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Date: Mon, 12 Apr 1993 18:19:00 -0400
From: Barry Johnson 80585 <BJOHNSON@WORLDBANK.ORG>
Subject: Re: Bumpersticker #
A popular bumpersticker in Australia a few years ago, in an attempt to cover
all bases, was:
"Land Rights For Gay Whales"
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Date: Mon, 12 Apr 1993 14:38:22 CST
From: Terry D. Mathias <GE0515@SIUCVMB.SIU.EDU>
Subject: Do You Remember Elephant Jokes?
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little w(h)ine.
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Date: Mon, 12 Apr 1993 14:44:49 CDT
From: JoEllen Ralls <JRALLS@TRINITY.EDU>
Subject: George Bush in heaven
George Bush died and went to heaven. It was really great there, and
everyone was so nice to him, except for this one old guy who wouldn't
speak to him. Well, this really annoyed George, and finally he asked
someone, "Who is that guy, anyway?" Turned out it was Moses.
George couldn't stand it that there could be someone who would refuse
to talk to him, so one day he finally went up to him and asked, "Why
won't you talk to me? What's the matter?" Moses turned to George and
said "The last time I talked to a bush I ended up wandering in the
desert for forty years!"
JoEllen Ralls Jralls@trinity (Bitnet)
Elizabeth Coates Maddux Library Jralls@trinity.edu (Internet)
Trinity University so many books,
San Antonio, Texas so little time...
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Date: Mon, 12 Apr 1993 16:09:37 -0400
From: Parrish L. Brown <pbrown@EMORYU1.CC.EMORY.EDU>
Subject: Re: Do You Remember Elephant Jokes?
How do you tell the difference between an elephant and a grape?
A grape is purple.
+-----------------------------------------+
| The world is no larger than a teacup. |
| |
| Parrish is pbrown@unix.cc.emory.edu |
+-----------------------------------------+
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Date: Mon, 12 Apr 1993 16:50:00 -0500
From: MLEWKOWICZ@ITHACAOA.BITNET
Subject: Elephants and Grapes, Variation, G
How do you tell the difference between an elephant and a grape?
If you don't know, I'm certainly not sending you to the grocery store for
grapes! (or to the pet shop for an elephant)
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Date: Mon, 12 Apr 1993 13:53:27 -0800
From: Larry Richards <LRICHARDS@MAIL.EWU.EDU>
Subject: Golf joke PG13
A golfer hit his drive into the woods. As he was looking for his ball he came
upon a leprechaun pinned under a log. He reached down and freed the
leprechaun
who immediatley jumped up and said, "For helping a leprechaun like that you
get
3 wishes." The golfer thanked him but said he wasn't interested and walked
away.
The leprechaun stood there astonished and said to himself, "I'll give him his
3 wishes any way. What can I do for the man? First, I'll take care of his
financial life. Done! Next, I'll take care of his social life. Done! What
else can I do?" A small smile crept onto his face. "I know, I'll take care of
his sex life too. Done!"
Six months later the same golfer hit his drive into the same woods again. He
came across the leprechaun standing there. "Hi", the golfer said. "How's
your leg?"
"Fine", said the leprechaun, "thank you for asking. If I may ask, how's your
financial life been lately?"
"It's funny you shoud ask", said the golfer, "I had a great aunt, I didn't know
existed, die and leave me a million dollars."
"That's nice", said the leprechaun. "How's your social life been?"
"Even better", said the golfer. "I have lots of new friends, invitations to
parties almost every night."
The leprechaun smiled and said, "Say, if you don't mind my really asking,
how's
your sex life been lately?"
"That's the most amazing part of all", said the golfer. "I've been having sex
2 or 3 times a month."
The leprechaun frowned and said, "that doesn't sound very good to me."
"Listen" said the golfer. "For a priest in a small parish, that's not too bad
at all."
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Date: Mon, 12 Apr 1993 16:08:19 CST
From: Jeanne Karns <HDEV008@UNLVM.BITNET>
Subject: Re: Do You Remember Elephant Jokes?
How do you know if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
Footprints in the butter.
How can an elephant hide in an apple tree?
Paint his toenails red.
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Date: Mon, 12 Apr 1993 17:47:05 -0500
From: VETTE <BTG31885@VAX1.UTULSA.EDU>
Subject: Re: Bumpersticker
How about this one I saw on the road:
"IMPEACH CLINTON"
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Date: Mon, 12 Apr 1993 17:53:17 -0500
From: VETTE <BTG31885@VAX1.UTULSA.EDU>
Subject: Re: Posted on a door
This reminded me of another one -
If God wanted us to vote, He would have given us candidates!
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