Digest for Tuesday, April 13, 1993
There are 35 messages totalling 1784 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- State of Arkansas Application for Residency
- Top 50 things to do when youve no chance of passing a class...
- What driving to the store would be like if your OS drove.
- The VAXorcist...
- Re: Bumpersticker #
- Re: Do You Remember Elephant Jokes?
- Golf/priest joke -- rated G
- Computer Industry (Rated PG-13)
- R rated White House Humor
- Bumpersticker
- Human Brain Not Yet Obsolete
- Queen Berets (PG-13)
- System Managers Story (PG-13)
- ZODIAC (R)
- MALL MUSIC
- Re: Bumpersticker
- Chicken joke
- More elephant jokes
- Presidents in Heaven (G)
- Lifsaver? (PG-13)
- USE YOUR CONDOMS!!! RATED "R+"
- Bumpersticker
- 45 REASONS NOT TO HAVE SEX-BEDROOM GOLF "R"
- more elephant jokes
- Woman in Store -- R
- Re: more elephant jokes
- Re: Presidents in Heaven (G)
- A riddle (R)
- Clinton joke
- Poet joke
- Fried Rice
- Re: Chicken joke
- Dumb joke, rated G...
- Re: more elephant jokes G
- Ruthless political humor
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Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 01:50:13 -0500
From: Nature abhors a vacuum, so does my dog.<DK75684@LTUVAX.BITNET>
Subject: State of Arkansas Application for Residency
STATE OF ARKANSAS
APPLICATION FOR RESIDENCY
NAME:___________________________________________________________
_______
NICKNAME:_________________________ CB
HANDLE:__________________________
ADDRESS:________________________________________________________
_______
LAST KNOWN
JOB:________________________________________________________
1. NECK SHADE: ( )Light Red ( )Medium Red ( )Dark Red ( )Other
2. NUMBER OF TEETH EXPOSED IN FULL GRIN: Upper________
Lower__________
3. MAKE OF PICK-UP:___________________ SIZE OF
TIRES:________________
4. TRUCK EQUIPED WITH: ( )8-Track ( )CB ( )Gun Rack ( )Beer Cans
5. BUMPER STICKERS: ( )Dial 1-800-EAT-SHIT ( )Old Fart
( ) I Love Beer ( ) At Least It's Paid For
( ) My Other Car is a Piece of Shit Too
6. NUMBER OF CARS/TRUCKS IN YARD:_____________ NUMBER
THAT RUN:_______
7. NUMBER OF KITCHEN APPLIANCES ON FRONT
PORCH:_______________________
8. HOUNDS: ( )Blue Tick ( )Beagle ( )Black & Tan ( )Other_________
9. LENGTH OF RIGHT LEG:_______________ LENGTH OF LEFT
LEG:____________
10. WHEN AND WHERE WAS YOUR LAST ELVIS
SIGHTING?_______________________
11. ARE YOU MARRIED TO ANY OF THE FOLLOWING? Check all the
apply:
( ) Sister ( )Cousin ( )Cousin's Sister ( )Aunt ( )Other_______
12. WOULD YOU SAY THAT YOUR WIFE WEIGHS MORE THAN OR
ABOUT EQUAL TO
YOUR
TRUCK:________________________________________________________
13. HAVE YOU EVER HAD MORE THAN ONE BATH IN WEEK? ( )Yes (
)No
14. DO YOU HAVE ANY OF THE FOLLOWING? Check all that apply:
a. ( )Body Odor ( )Lice ( )Bad Breath ( )Beer Breath
b. ( )Yellow Teeth ( )Brown Teeth ( )Some Teeth ( )No Teeth
c. ( )Brown Eyes ( )Blue Eyes ( )One Eye ( )Crossed Eyes
15. NOT INCLUDING YOUR BOOTS, DO YOU OWN ANY SHOES? ( )Yes
( )No
16. CAN YOU COUNT PAST TEN WITH YOUR BOOTS ON? ( )Yes ( )No
17. CAN YOU COUNT PAST 19 WITH YOUR FLY UP? ( )Yes ( )No
18. FAVORITE PASTIME: ( )Drinkin' ( )'Coon Huntin' ( )Fishin'
19. FAVORITE WEAPON: ( )Shot Gun ( )Hunting Knife ( )Tire Iron
( )Chain
20. FAVORITE CAP EMBLEM: ( )John Deere ( )CAT ( )Skoal (
)Budweiser
21. NUMBER OF YEARS IN NATIONAL RIFLE
ASSOCIATION:_____________________
CIRCLE THE SIGNATURE CLOSEST TO YOUR OWN NAME AND
RETURN TO BILL CLINTON.
BUBBA JIMBOB LeROY HANK JETHRO BILLYBOB X
==========
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Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 01:50:37 -0500
From: Nature abhors a vacuum, so does my dog.<DK75684@LTUVAX.BITNET>
Subject: Top 50 things to do when you've no chance of passing a class...
Top 50 Fun things to do in a final that does not matter (i.e. you are going
to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam)
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15
minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some
gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the
secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long
answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the
integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's
left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate
your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm
SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk
the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly
say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to
every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are
you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max
level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to
refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this
question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be
creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of
relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the
country" and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into
very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry
Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam.
Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your
head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be
as
vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make
one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking.
Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be
taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let
them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of
the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to
another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out,
start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If
it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE.
etc..).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers
completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down
violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the
instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving
after one hour to go drink)
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point
during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why,
tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on
above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put
on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera"
until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the
class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged.
Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take
the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say
"you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our
Lives is on!!!"
32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore
the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to
leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the
River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you
could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most
equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life
story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and
shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the
exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious...
like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just
failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with
the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any
question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they
do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you.
Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent
to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs,
anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90
degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are
asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook
with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical
instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"
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Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 01:50:56 -0500
From: Nature abhors a vacuum, so does my dog.<DK75684@LTUVAX.BITNET>
Subject: What driving to the store would be like if your OS drove.
WHAT DRIVING TO THE STORE WOULD BE LIKE IF OPERATING
SYSTEMS RAN YOUR
CAR
>> MS-DOS: You get in the car and try to remember where you put your
keys.
>> Windows: You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly,
because attached to the back of the car is a freight train.
>> Macintosh System 7: You get in the car to go to the store, and the
car drives you to church.
>> UNIX: You get in the car and type GREP STORE. After reaching
speeds of 200 miles per hour en route, you arrive at the barber shop.
>> Windows NT: You get in the car and write a letter that says, "go
to the store." Then you get out of the car and mail the letter to your
dashboard.
>> Taligent/Pink: You walk to the store with Ricardo Montalban, who
tells you how wonderful it will be when he can fly you to the store in
his Learjet.
>> OS/2: After fueling up with 6000 gallons of gas, you get in the
car and drive to the store with a motorcycle escort and a marching band in
procession. Halfway there, the car blows up, killing everybody in
town.
>> S/36 SSP [mainframe, obv.]: You get in the car and drive to the
store. Halfway there you run out of gas. While walking the rest of the
way, you are run over by kids on mopeds.
>> OS/400: An attendant locks you into the car and then drives you to
the store, where you get to watch everybody else buy filet mignons.
>> VAX/VMS: You use up tremendous amounts of gas to go very slowly and
only getting to see and image of the store.
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Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 01:51:03 -0500
From: Nature abhors a vacuum, so does my dog.<DK75684@LTUVAX.BITNET>
Subject: The VAXorcist...
From: VAXEN::WR76777 "BOOT TO THE HEAD!" 4-APR-1993
14:39:31.77
To: DAVE
CC:
Subj:
THE VAXORCIST
-------------
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
(SCENE: Inside of a VAX computer room. CREDITS ROLL as the SYSMGR
is
sitting in front of the console terminal, typing. He pauses, picks up a
small magnetic tape, walks over to a tape drive, mounts it, and returns to
the console where he continues typing.)
(There is a knock at the door. SYSMGR walks to the door and opens it,
revealing USER.)
USER: Any idea when the system will be up?
SYSMGR: Well, I just installed version 5.0 of VMS, so I'm going to run
some diagnostics on it overnight to make sure it works alright. Assuming
everything goes alright, the system should be up first thing tomorrow
morning.
USER: Great. Thanks. (Exits)
(SYSMGR closes the door and returns to the console.)
ROD SERLING-LIKE VOICE: This is John Smith, Lawrence Technological
University
System Manager. In an effort to make his system the best it can be, he has just
installed VMS Version 5.0 onto his VAX. But little does he know that the
Version 5 documentation kit from Digital includes a one-way ticket to ...
the VMS TWILIGHT ZONE!
(ominous music - fade out)
(Fade in. The SYSMGR scans the console for a moment, then turns, picks up
his coat and walks to the door. He stops at the door for a moment, looking
back at the big machine. Finally, he turns out the light and exits,
closing the door behind him.)
(Cut to the Console Terminal. We read the following as it is printed on
the console terminal:)
VMS V5.0 DIAGNOSTICS --
DIAGNOSTICS - PHASE 1 STARTING...
DIAGNOSTICS - PHASE 1 FINISHED SUCCESSFULLY.
DIAGNOSTICS - PHASE 2 STARTING...
TESTING MICROCODE ... SUCCESSFUL
TESTING DECNET ... SUCCESSFUL
TESTING LICENSE MANAGEMENT UTILITY ... SUCCESSFUL
TESTING SYSTEM SERVICES ... SUCCESSFUL
TESTING HIGHLY EXPERIMENTAL AND COMPLETELY
UNDOCUMENTED AI ROUTINE ...
(Cut to view of the Tape in the Tape drive. The tape spins for a moment,
and suddenly stops.)
(Cut to view of the Machine Room. A fog has begun drifting across the
floor, and the hardware is slowly being backlit by a pulsing red light.
A peal of weird laughter cuts through the silence. A variety of bizarre
things occur: A VT100 monitor sitting on a table slowly rotates 360
degrees; the tape drive opens and tape begins spewing out of it; slime
begins pouring out of a disk drive; the line printer begins form-feeding
like mad. These continue for several minutes, or for as long as we can
keep them up. FADE OUT)
(SCENE: Hallway outside of the computer room. SYSMGR walks up to the
door
and is met by USER.)
USER: System going to be up soon?
SYSMGR: (as he speaks, he tries to open the Machine room door, but the
door is apparently stuck.) The diagnostics should be done by now, so we
should be up in about 15 minutes... (he succeeds in opening the door, but
is confronted by floor to ceiling magnetic tape. Tangled at about eye
level is an empty tape reel. SYSMGR takes the reel and looks at it. CLOSE
UP of the reel so we can read the label, which reads: VAX/VMS V5.0
DIAGNOSTIC KIT.) (to USER) ...give or take a few days....
(SCENE: View of TSR (Telephone Support Rep) from behind as she is sitting
in a cubicle, a terminal in front of her. Beside her on the wall is a
poster which reads "Digital Has It Now - But You Can't Have It". We can
see the terminal, but we should not be able to read what is on it. She is
wearing a headset.)
TSR: Colorado Customer Support. What is your access number, please?
SYSMGR VOICE: 31576
TSR: And your name?
SYSMGR VOICE: John Smith.
(Cut to SYSMGR standing beside his console. He his holding a phone to his
head with his right hand, and holding a printout in his left which he is
perusing while he talks on the phone.)
TSR VOICE: And what operating system are you using?
SYSMGR: VMS version 5.
TSR VOICE: And is this a problem with the operating system or a layered
product?
(As the SYSMGR looks up from the printout, his eyes suddenly widen and
he drops the printout and ducks. At that second, a disk platter flies
through the air where his head just was. Slowly, SYSMGR stands up and
looks to where the disk went. PAN BACK to reveal a stack of boxes with a
disk embedded in one of them at neck height.)
SYSMGR: (into the phone) Operating System. Definitely the Operating
System.
(Cut back to TSR sitting at her desk.)
TSR: Can you describe the problem, please?
(SYSMGR voice can now only be heard as mumbling)
TSR: Yes... Tape drive spewing tape into the air... yes... Line printers
printing backwards... yes... miscellaneous hardware flying through the
air... uh huh... disk drives melting... yeah... strange voices coming from
the CPU board... I see... yes. Is that all? (pause as she finishes typing
at the terminal) Well, I'm afraid that that team is busy at the moment,
can I have them get back to you?
(CUT TO SCENE: MANAGER sitting behind a large desk in a plush office.
DEVELOPER is pacing in front of him, hands behind his back.)
(SUBTITLE: Meanwhile at Maynard...)
MANAGER: So tell me! What the hell happened?!
DEVELOPER: (turning to face MANAGER) It's a glitch, a fluke. A one in a
billion chance. And it's not Development's fault. Not really.
MANAGER: Then who's fault is it?
DEVELOPER: We traced it back to the Software Distribution Center. It
seems that there was a mixup and some of the code for the experimental AI
routine was copied onto the distribution from the wrong optical disk. (He
removes a CD from his jacket) This one, to be precise.
MANAGER: And what's that?
DEVELOPER: (reading the label) "Ozzy Osbourne's Greatest Hits".
Normally, it wouldn't have made any difference, as the AI routine isn't
used yet. But when they began running diagnostics, it hit the routine and
the computer just sort of became a thing possessed.
MANAGER: Wonderful. Were any other distributions affected?
DEVELOPER: No, just Lawrence Tech's.
MANAGER: Well, that's a relief. We've got to get them taken care of
before anyone finds out. Can you imagine what Digital Review would do
if they heard about this?
DEVELOPER: We could always blame it on the Chaos Computer Group.
MANAGER: No, we've already used that one. This calls for drastic action.
(MANAGER picks up the phone and begins flipping through the rolodex)
DEVELOPER: Who are you going to send?
(CUT to the Rolodex so that we can read the cards. The first card reads:
SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Ron Jankowski, x474
he flips to the next card:
BAD SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Bob Candless, x937
he flips to the next card:
REALLY BAD SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Michelle French, x365
he flips to the next card
OUTRAGEOUSLY BAD SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Mike West, x887
he flips to the next card and taps the card with forefinger:
SYSTEM FUCKED UP BEYOND ALL RECOGNITION - The
VAXorcist, x666
(CUT to Machine Room. SYSMGR is standing by the console holding
an RA60 disk cover and using it as a shield to defend himself from various
pieces of hardware which are flying at him from off-camera. There is
a knock at the door. Slowly, SYSMGR makes his way to the door and opens
it. Standing there, backlit amidst outrageous amounts of fog is the
VAXORCIST, wearing a trench coat and fedora, and carrying a briefcase.)
VAXORCIST: (in a hushed voice) DEC sent me. I hear you're having some
problems.
(CUT to SYSMGR OFFICE, a small but pleasant office with posters on the
walls and clutter on the desk. As the VAXORCIST enters, he removes his
coat and hat, revealing a very techie outfit beneath. He is wearing a DEC
badge.)
SYSMGR: (Frantic) Problems? Problems?!? You could say I'm having some
problems. 4.6 was fine. 4.7 was fine. I install 5.0 and all Hell breaks
loose. The damn thing ate two of my operators this morning!
VAXORCIST: Calm down, everything will be alright. I've dealt with
situations like this before.
SYSMGR: You have?
VAXORCIST: Four years ago at an installation in Oregon, a programmer
renamed his Star Trek program to VMB.EXE and copied it into the system
directory. When the system was rebooted the next day it phasored the
entire accounting department claiming that they were Klingon spies. There
was a similar problem in Texas three years ago, and then, of course, there
was the IRS fiasco that we're not allowed to talk about. But don't worry.
These things can be fixed. Before I can help you, though, I have to ask
you a few questions. (The VAXorcist opens his briefcase and removes a
clipboard) Now, according to the report, the strange occurences began after
you installed VMS Version 5, is that correct?
SYSMGR: Yes, that's correct.
VAXORCIST: Now, did you carefully read the Installation Guide for VMS
Version 5?
SYSMGR: (confused) Installation Guide?
VAXORCIST: Yes, it should have come with the Release Notes.
SYSMGR: (still confused) Release Notes? (SYSMGR begins rooting about on
his disk, shifting papers around as if he might find them underneath)
VAXORCIST: (annoyed) Yes, Release Notes. They should have come with
your
documentation upgrade.
SYSMGR: (completely confused - looks up from his rooting through the
papers on his desk) Documentation upgrade?
VAXORCIST: (angry) YES! The Documentation upgrade for your VMS
Documentation Set!
SYSMGR: Documentation S...? Oh, you mean the grey binders? They're over
there. (he points to the wall behind the VAXORCIST. The VAXORCIST turns
and we see a closed glass-front bookcase packed with grey binders. A small
red sign on the front of the bookcase reads: "IN CASE OF EMERGENCY,
BREAK
GLASS").
VAXORCIST: Right. This is going to be tougher than I thought. Let's go
take a look at your system and see just how bad everything is.
(CUT to the Machine Room. The room is neat and tidy and there is no sign
that anything is wrong. The VAXORCIST enters the room with the SYSMGR
behind him.)
VAXORCIST: Everything looks okay to me.
SYSMGR: Maybe it's hibernating.
VAXORCIST: Unlikely. It's probably trying to lure us into a false sense
of security.
SYSMGR: Sounds like VMS alright. (VAXORCIST gives him a dirty look)
VAXORCIST: I'm going to have to test it's power. This could get ugly, you
may want to leave. (The SYSMGR shakes his head no. The VAXORCIST
brings
hiself up to full height in front of the VAX and points a finger at it)
By the power of DEC, I expel thee from this system! (Clap of thunder)
(CUT to door to the machine room. The SYSMGR is pulling a cart on which
sits the VAXORCIST wrapped from head to toe in magnetic tape)
SYSMGR: Any other bright ideas?
VAXORCIST: Just shut up and get this damn stuff off of me.
(CUT to SYSMGRs office)
VAXORCIST: (Writing on the clipboard) Things look pretty bad. I think
we're going to need a full-scale VAXorcism here.
SYSMGR: Is there anything I can do to help?
VAXORCIST: As a matter of fact, there is. We've got to incapacitate the
VAX to keep it from causing any more damage until I'm ready to deal with
it. Now, I've got some software here that will do that, but it's got to be
installed. (VAXORCIST hands SYSMGR a tape) With that running, the CPU
will be so bogged down, the VAX won't be able to harm anybody.
SYSMGR: (Examining the tape) What is it? A program to calculate pi to the
last digit?
VAXORCIST: Better than that. It starts up All-in-1 with a 10 user load.
(CUT to Hall outside of Computer Room. The VAXORCIST approaches the
door.
As the SYSMGR approaches the door, the VAXORCIST holds him back.
VAXORCIST: I appreciate your help, but it won't be safe for you in there.
SYSMGR: What? You're going in there to face that thing alone? You're
nuts!
VAXORCIST: Hey, it's my job. (VAXORCIST turns to the door)
SYSMGR: Wait a minute. (VAXORCIST stops and turns around) You better
take this with you. (SYSMGR removes a very large and very nasty looking
gun from the inside of his jacket)
VAXORCIST: (Smiling) No, I won't need that. I've got something more
powerful. (VAXORCIST holds up a small guide-sized orange binder, opens it,
and shows it to SYSMGR. CUT to closeup of the book which reads: "GUIDE
TO
VAX/VMS SYSTEM EXORCISM")
(CUT to view of Machine room door as seen by the VAX. The VAXORCIST
enters
the room and stands in front of the VAX. CUT to view of the Machine Room
showing the SYSMGR confronting the VAX)
VAXORCIST: By the power of DEC, I command thee, Evil Spirit, to show
thyself.
VAX: Bugger off.
VAXORCIST: (Shaken) What?
VAX: I said Bugger off! Now get out of here before I core-dump all over
you!
VAXORCIST: (Recovered) Threaten me not, oh Evil one! For I speak with
the power of DEC, and I command thee to show thyself!
(A rumble is heard and again the VAX becomes backlit by red lights and a
fog begins to roll across the floor. The VAX cabinet doors slowly creak
open to reveal two small red lights in the dark cabinet which appear to be
the creature's eyes)
VAX: There. Happy? Now get out of here before I drop a tape drive on
your private parts.
VAXORCIST: (Opening the orange binder, he begins intoning
SHUTDOWN.COM in
gregorian chant. The VAX screams.)
VAX: Stop that! Stop that! You, you DOS LOVER! Your mother manages
RSX
systems in Hell!
(The VAXORCIST continues and the VAX screams again.)
VAX: Stop it! (a large wad of computer tape is thrown at the VAXORCIST,
apparently from the VAX). Eat oxide, bit-bucket breath!
(The VAXORCIST continues and the VAX screams once more.)
VAX: Mount me! Mount me!
VAXORCIST: (finishing the intonation) And now, by the power of DEC, I
banish thee back to the null-space from which you came! (The VAX screams
and the scream fades to silence.)
(CUT to the doorway of the Machine room, which now stands open. The
VAXORCIST is once again wearing his trench coat and fedora.)
SYSMGR: So it's over?
VAXORCIST: (Putting his hat on) Yes, it's over.
SYSMGR: (Shaking the VAXORCISTs hand) Thank God. Listen, thanks a lot.
I
don't know what we would have done without you.
VAXORCIST: Hey, it's the least we could do. The Software Distribution
Center should be sending you a patch tape in a week or two to patch out
that AI routine and prevent this from happening again. Sign here. (he
hands SYSMGR the clipboard, SYSMGR signs at the bottom and hands it back)
Have a good one. (VAXORCIST leaves).
(SYSMGR enters the machine room. Camera follows him in.)
SYSMGR: (Calling to someone off-camera) Okay, you guys, let's get
rolling. Get those backup tapes out. We've got a clean system again!
(cheers are heard from off-camera. The SYSMGR leaves the picture, leaving
only the VAX with it's cabinet doors still open in the picture. Slow zoom
in to the LSI unit. Slowly, the LSI unit begins to emit a pulsing red
glow)
==========
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Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 00:44:03 -0500
From: DEATH ANGEL <RER7691@TNTECH.EDU>
Subject: Re: Bumpersticker #
>A popular bumpersticker in Australia a few years ago, in an attempt to cover
>all bases, was:
>
> "Land Rights For Gay Whales"
Ah... but we Americans are the true masters of offending as many people as
possible with a single statement. Take the popular variant of that phrase:
"Nuke Gay Whales for Jesus"
==========
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Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 02:30:50 EDT
From: The Guru <c2mxcox@FRE.FSU.UMD.EDU>
Subject: Re: Do You Remember Elephant Jokes?
Thanks for reminding me, I'd just finally put the last one behind a mental
block... :)
Q: How is an elephant like a Volkswagen?
A: They both have their trunks up front!
Pachyderm Fahrvergnugen,
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bryan L. Cox Frostburg State University |Insert standard|
c2mxcox@fre.fsu.umd.edu Frostburg, MD 21532 |disclaimer here|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 08:56:00 EDT
From: Tom Bromley <BROMLEY@ACC.FAU.EDU>
Subject: Golf/priest joke -- rated G
It was a beautiful spring Sunday morning in the parish and Father
O'Malley decided to skip the morning Mass to play a round of golf.
All the parishoners would be in church, no one would recognize him,
so he let the assistant pastor say the Mass, and headed for the golf
course.
As he approached the first par 5 hole, St. Peter, watching from
heaven, spotted him and immediately pointed out his discretion to the
Lord. "Will you look at that, Lord! Father O'Malley's playing golf
on a Sunday morning!"
The Lord looked down and confirmed St. Peter's sighting, and said,
"We'll just have to do something about this!"
St. Peter, expecting the cleric to be struck down by lightning or
some such punishment was astonished when the Lord waved his hand, and
down below, Father O'Malley hit a beautiful tee shot, straight to the
green, which rolled into the cup for a hole-in-one. He was even more
shocked when the scene was repeated on the next two holes.
"My Lord! You just let him shoot three consecutive holes-in-one!
How is that going to punish him?"
The Supreme Being replied with a smile, "Who's he going to tell?"
***********************************************************
Thomas Bromley Internet:
Library - Technical Services BROMLEY@ACC.FAU.EDU
Florida Atlantic University Bitnet:
Boca Raton, FL BROMLEY@FAUVAX
==========
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Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 09:24:42 EST
From: Peter Greenberg <AISPG@CUVMC.BITNET>
Subject: Computer Industry (Rated PG-13)
A man, 92 years old, is told by his doctor that he has tested positive for
HIV. Distraught and befuddled, he retires as usual to spend the afternoon
at the park bench with other senior citizens. He tells his friend:
"Can you believe it? I have HIV...at 92!" His friend replies,
"You think you have troubles? I have IBM at 80!"
==========
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Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 09:33:44 EST
From: Mike Long <MLONG@UCONNVM.BITNET>
Subject: R rated White House Humor
The President was out in the Rose Garden late one night jerking off.
One of the Secret Servicemen saw him and snapped a quick picture.
When the flash goes off the President is very embarrassed and says.
"Hey, I'll give you $50,000 for that picture!" The Secret Service
man says, "OK, and for that price I'll even through in the camera".
The next day the President is sitting in the Oval Office with the
Japanese Foriegn Trade Minister who notices the the camera sitting
on his desk.
The Minister says, "You have nice Japanese camera, How much you pay?"
The President responds, "For that, Oh, Uhhhhmmm $50,000 dollars".
To which the Japanese responds, "Ahhh, someone saw you coming!"
MLONG@UCONNVM
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Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 08:55:59 CST
From: Terry D. Mathias <GE0515@SIUCVMB.SIU.EDU>
Subject: Bumpersticker
sticker seen before the USA national elections last year:
Picard/Riker '92
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Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 10:00:15 -0400
From: Nature abhors a vacuum, so does my dog.<DK75684@LTUVAX.BITNET>
Subject: Human Brain Not Yet Obsolete
--
Human Brain Not Yet Obsolete
I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC;
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I cannot sea.
I've run this poem threw it,
I'm sure your please too no,
Its letter perfect in it's weight,
My checker tolled me sew.
--Arthur unknown
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Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 10:00:56 -0400
From: Nature abhors a vacuum, so does my dog.<DK75684@LTUVAX.BITNET>
Subject: Queen Berets (PG-13)
PRESIDENT CLINTON'S " QUEEN BERETS"
FALLING FAIRIES FROM THE SKY
I BROKE A NAIL, OH I COULD CRY
DON'T YOU LIKE HOW MY TUSHY SWAYS?
WE ARE THE FAGS OF THE " QUEEN BERETS"
BILL CLINTON'S WORDS UPON MY EARS
" YOU GUYS HAVE RIGHTS, BE PROUD YOU'RE QUEER"!
I ONCE WAS SCARED, BUT NOW I'M OKAY
CAUSE I'M A FAG IN THE " QUEEN BERETS"
PUT SILVER EARCLIPS ON MY NUTS,
I LOVE THE PAIN, NOW SPANK MY BUTT!
THE WAY YOU WALK IS AWFULLY CUTE.
I SURE WOULD LIKE TO " PACK YOUR CHUTE"
THIS ARMY STUFF IS AWFULLY SLICK!
FREE MEALS, FREE CLOTHES, AND LOTS OF DICKS!
WHEN I RETIRE, I'LL STILL GET PAID.
I THANK YOU BILL, FROM THE " QUEEN BERETS"!!!
==========
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Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 10:00:41 -0400
From: Nature abhors a vacuum, so does my dog.<DK75684@LTUVAX.BITNET>
Subject: System Manager's Story (PG-13)
Recently someone called me from one of the "Out on the Floor Offices", an
ethereal place rumored to exist only in hyperspace, populated by mysterious
beings called Users.
She was quite frantic. She was having trouble running a program through the
computer, and her message was clear enough, although rather ill-conceived:
"MY FILES ARE FULL!"
I furrowed my brow, lit a smoke, and explained to her, "Really now, Miss
Russell, I don't have time for this." I slowly exhaled the menthol vapors as
I stopped her process, crushing any hopes she may have had of ever again
seeing
that document she had spent three hours slaving over.
"I was typing this REALLY important letter, and it HAS to be ready in
an hour... there's all this stuff on my screen that I didn't type...
it says something about an error, should I read it to you?"
"No point. Just press return."
"Oh my, it wants my username. Can I restart that where I left off?"
"Not a chance." I drew another puff and tossed the phone aside. It
occurred to me that if I had to hear one more of those whining
complaint sessions, heads were going to roll. Where do you people GET
this stuff? I'm going to tell you what's really going on here. Now
LISTEN UP. I'm not going over this a second time:
Computer
The black box that does your work for you. That's all you need to
know.
Response Time
Usually measured in nanoseconds; sometimes measured in calendar
months. The general rule is: Shut up your complaining about response
time.
Hardware
See "Computer." Again, not your concern.
Software
If we want you to know, we'll tell you about it, otherwise, leave us
alone.
Network
Don't worry about it, we'll take care of it. Use it to send mail
among your half-wit selves, and don't think we won't read it all.
What do you think we do all day? By the way , Russell... shame
about your mother's Pancreas.
Data
The general rule is: Don't use any data files and if you find any,
delete them before I find out about them. In fact, just stay off the
computer. (See "Response Time")
System Crash
Don't ever call the system manager to tell him you think the computer
is down. Don't call him to ask him when it will be up again. The
more you bother him, the longer it takes.
Downtime
Like I said, don't ask
Uptime
Be thankful for it, use it wisely, and get out of my face
Overtime
Don't be ridiculous.
Vacation
A time during which I don't have to put up with your sniveling. Don't
try calling. There's no point.
Computer Room
Keep out, you're not invited. Don't knock on the door -- don't even
think about it. I broke the phone last time one of you jerks called
me, and I'm not about to replace it. And keep your greasy fingers off
the windows.
My Office
The name says it all... it's mine; stay out.
Your Problems
The name says it all...
Deadlines
The general rule is: Deadlines are not acknowledged by me; they're
not my responsibility. Go tell someone who cares.
Maintenance
a) A valid reason for shutting down the system at any time.
b) Much more important than anything any of you bozos do.
c) Anything I choose to call "maintenance" is maintenance.
Software Upgrades
Far too complex for you to comprehend. If I tell you I'm upgrading
the system, just be quietly thankful. It's for your own good, even if
it does mean extensive downtime during peak hours.
Electronic Mail
I delete it before it's read, so don't bother sending any to me.
Defaults
We like them just like they are; we chose them for a reason. Don't
mess with them; consider them mandatory.
Error Messages
I'm not interested. I'm going to kill your process anyway, so keep
them to yourself.
Killing your Process
a) Don't ever ask why
b) Beyond your control
c) No warnings are given
d) The highlight of my day
e) If you call, it's going to happen. No exceptions.
Passwords
I reserve the right to change them without notice at any time. I choose
them, and the more you bother me, the more degrading yours will be.
(Example: jrussell: SNOTFACE)
Users
a) They slow down the computer
b) They waste my time
c) A general nuisance
d) Worse than that, actually
Software Modifications
You don't know what you want -- we'll tell you what you want. It stays
like it is. Period.
Privileges
I've got them, you don't need them. Enough said.
Priority
Mine is higher than yours, accept it. That's the reason my games run
faster than your lousy accounting package. (See "Response Time")
Terminals
Before calling me with a terminal problem, consider this:
a) Are you prepared to do without one for weeks?
b) Do you REALLY want your process killed?
c) Did you just trip over the cord again?
d) Of course you did.
Disk Space
I set the quotas, you live with them. If you need more space, check
"Data Files".
Operator
I hired him and I trained him. He does what I tell him to. Usually
armed; always dangerous.
Backups
A good idea if I gave a shit, which of course I don't.
Lunch
The only time that calling my office won't result in the killing of
your process.
Data Security
That's your problem. I'm certainly not going to lose any sleep over
it. My files are locked up tight. I feel secure.
Jiffy
Length of time it takes me to resolve your problem by killing your
process.
Eternity
Length of time it takes me to give a shit about any problem that can't
be resolved by killing your process.
Impossible
a) It can't be done (as far as you know)
b) I can't be bothered
c) You're starting to annoy me
Inevitable
a) Couldn't have been avoided
b) Not my fault (as far as you know)
c) The result of annoying me
Menus
If it's not on the menu, don't ask for it. It's not available. If it is
on the menu, it's probably of no use or it doesn't work. We're working
on it (See "Eternity").
Utilities
I find them quite useful, you'll find them quite inaccessible. Besides,
they're not on your menu, are they. What did I tell you about that?
Nuisance
You.
Of course, I reserve the right to add, change, or remove anything from the
above list. I'm not asking you to accept these matters without question, I'm
telling you.
Now that we all know where we stand, I'm sure there'll be no future problems.
If you have any questions or comments please feel free to keep them to
yourself.
If you feel the need for more information, I highly recommend that you ask
someone else
Sincerely,
The System Manager
P.S. The new disk quota of 30 blocks per user became effective yesterday.
Anyone caught exceeding the quota will lose their accounts (this means
==========
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Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 10:02:10 GMT
From: CLAUDIA E COLEMAN <COLEMAN@MAIL.LOC.GOV>
Subject: ZODIAC (R)
ZODIAC SIGNS
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18) You have an inventive mind and are
inclined towards progressiveness. You lie a great deal. On the
other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical,
causing you to make the same mistake repeatedly. Everyone thinks
you are a fucking JERK.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20) You have a vivid imagination and often
think that you are being followed by the FBI or the CIA. You have
minor influence over your friends, and people resent you for
flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a
coward. Pisces people screw small animals and often pick their
noses.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20) You are the pioneer type and hold most
people in contempt. You are quick-tempered and impatient and
scornful of advise. You are a PRICK.
Taurus (Apr 21-May 20) You are practical and persistent. You have
a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you
are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a God damned
COMMUNIST.
Gemini (May 21-June 20) You are a quick and intelligent thinker.
People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to
expect too much for too little. This means you are a CHEAP
BASTARD. Gemini's are notorious for thriving on incest.
Cancer (June 21-July 20) You are sympathetic and understanding to
other peoples problems. They think you are a sucker. You are
always putting things off. That is why you will always be on
welfare and inevitably not
worth a shit.
Leo (July 21-Aug 20) You consider yourself a born leader. Others
think you are pushy. Most Leo's are bullies. You are vain and
cannot tolerate criticism. Your ignorance is disgusting. Leo
people are thieving bastards and kiss mirrors.
Virgo (Aug 21-Sept 20) You are the logical type and hate
disorder. This knit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are
cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing.
Virgo's make good bus drivers and pimps.
Libra (Sept 21-Oct 20) You are the artistic type and have a
difficult time with reality. If you are a male, you are probably
a queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent
because most Libra women are whores. All Libra's usually get a
venereal disease.
Scorpio (Oct 21-Nov 20) You are shrewd in business and cannot be
trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of
your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most
Scorpio's are MURDERED.
Sagittarius (Nov 21-Dec 20) You are optimistic and enthusiastic.
You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no
talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks and pot-heads.
People laugh at you because you are
always getting FUCKED.
Capricorn (Dec 21-Jan 19) You are conservative and afraid of
taking risks. You are basically a chicken-shit. There has never
been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.
==========
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Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 10:11:00 EST
From: BJ Haussler <bjh3@NIOSHE2.EM.CDC.GOV>
Subject: MALL MUSIC
When a violinist showed up one afternoon, many people stopped and listened to
the plaintive melodies he nursed from his instrument. One particularly
lovely tune moved Mrs. Phelps to tears.
Placing a twenty-dollar bill in the musician's open case, she said, "That
was the most beautiful song I've ever heard."
"Thank you. I wrote it for lmy dear, departed wife. Unfortunately, it never
sold."
"Really?" Mrs. Phelps said. "I'm surprised."
"So was I, especially since everyone who heard it said it was the most
romantic tune since the days of Chopin. But they insisted that I change the
title."
"Why, that's absurd!" she said. "I don't care what a song is called, it's
the melody that matters."
"I agree," replied the musician.
Curious, Mrs. Phelps asked, "What is it called.?"
"I Love You So Goddamn Much, My Darlin', I Could Shit.'" :)
Beej
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Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 08:37:06 -0600
From: WERLING <awerling@NMSU.EDU>
Subject: Re: Bumpersticker
On Mon, 12 Apr 1993, VETTE wrote:
> How about this one I saw on the road:
>
> "IMPEACH CLINTON"
Maybe I'll make one up that says:
"QUIT BITCHING"
Andrew Werling awerling@nmsu.edu
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Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 10:57:31 -0400
From: Michael Gold <GOLD@VAX.LIBRARY.UTORONTO.CA>
Subject: Chicken joke
This was on my far side calendar:
There is a chicken about to cross a street and there is a bill board on the o
other side which says:
Cross the Street? You don't need a reason!
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Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 10:13:51 CDT
From: Leanne <LB.MLA@ISUMVS.IASTATE.EDU>
Subject: More elephant jokes
This is my first attempt at posting on this list.
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
"Here come the elephants over the hill."
What did he say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill with
sunglasses on?
Nothing. He didn't recognize them.
==========
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Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 11:14:36 EST
From: ADKO000 Kathleen Olivier - Computer Center<ADKO@NMUMUS.BITNET>
Subject: Presidents in Heaven (G)
One day, much to the USA's elation, President Clinton, Former President
Bush and Ross Perot all die. They somehow make it up to heaven and are
personally greeted by God when they get there. As God meets the first
recently-departed he asks who he is and Bush replies "My name is
George Bush and I'm the former president of the United States!" God
replies that He has heard of George Bush and will give him a place of
honor -- sitting at his left. Next came Clinton and when asked for
an introduction he said "I am Bill Clinton, the current president of
the United States!" God remarked that it was indeed a prestigious
position and as such he will be seated at his right in heaven. Of
course next came Perot and when questioned simply said "My name is
H. Ross Perot and I believe you're sitting in my seat!"
Kathy O
Marquette, Michigan
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Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 11:31:41 EST
From: Mike Long <MLONG@UCONNVM.BITNET>
Subject: Lifsaver? (PG-13)
These two ethnics were in a restaurant eating dinner and all of
a sudden a women at the next table starts choking on a bite of food.
The two ethnics spring into action to save her. The first one pulls
down his pants and kneels down on the floor. The second one puts his
face up to his buddies bottom and sure enough, the women starts
coughing and vomits, along with the rest of the patrons.
The headwaiter is really grateful that these two men have saved the
women but questions them on their unorthodox manner.
He says, "I'm really glad you were able to save that women but WHAT
was that you did on the floor there?"
"Oh,that" says one of them,
"Haven't you ever heard of the Hindlick Manouver?"
MLONG@UCONNVM
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Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 11:42:00 EST
From: Bill Martling <ASTBMART@STETSON.BITNET>
Subject: USE YOUR CONDOMS!!! RATED "R+"
1) Before you D**K your favorite chick, put a condom on your prick.
2) Cover your stump before you hump.
3) Before you "attack" her, wrap your whacker!
4) Don't be silly, protect your willie!
5) Before you blast her, guard you bushmaster!
6) Don't be a loner!!!!!! Cover your boner!
7) When in doubt, shroud your spout!
8) You can't go wrong if you shield your dong!
9) If your not going to sack it, go home and wack it!
10) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey!
11) Before you bag her, sheath your dagger!
12) It'll be sweeter, if you cover your peter!
13) If you slip between the thighs, be sure to condomize!
14) To save embarrassment later, cover your alligator!
15) She won't get sick, if you cover your d--k!
16) If you go into heat, be sure to package your meat!
17) While undressing that venis, dress up that penis!
18) If you take off her pants' n blouse, suit up that trouser mouse!
19) Never Deck herwith an unwrapped pecker!
20) Especially in december, gift wrap your member!
21) Befo'davanstart rockin', be sho' yo' cock got'sa stockin'!
22) Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool!
23) The right selection? Sack that erection!
24) Wrap it in foil, before checking her oil!
25) A crank with armor, will not harm her!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bill Martling Home - (407) 773-4970
School- (904) 738-6712
--The 2nd greatest experience known to man is flying--
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Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 12:16:14 EDT
From: Brian Clark<BKC02%ALBNYDH2.bitnet@UACSC2.ALBANY.EDU>
Subject: Bumpersticker
Bumpersticker spotted on an electric wheelchair:
"If you don't like my driving, stay off the sidewalk"
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Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 12:21:00 EST
From: Bill Martling <ASTBMART@STETSON.BITNET>
Subject: 45 REASONS NOT TO HAVE SEX-BEDROOM GOLF "R"
TOP 45 REASONS NOT TO HAVE SEX
1. The pitter patter of little feet
2. Never let 'em see you sweat
3. Your parents might realize that you're not 12 years old anymore
4. Naked men
5. Guilt, guilt, and GUILT
6. You might like it
7. Rhenquist, Scalia, Kennedy, Souter, Thomas
8. Paying back oral sex debts
9. Only pagans procreate
10. Castration
11. You might fall in lust or, Heaven forbid, love
12. Body hair
13. Too many lights on in the room
14. Your roommate and neighbors can't sleep with all that screaming
15. Axl Rose
16. Since that little Gulf War, there's no money left for research and
treatment of those nasty little Sexually Transmitted Diseases
17. Why bother doing it yourself? Just buy the new Prince album
18. Pennsylvania Abortion Law
19. Utah Abortion Law
20. Alabama Abortion Law
21. Taking care of the orgasm deficit
22. Yeast infections
23. Too sticky
24. Messes up your hair
25. Charley Horses
26. Bladder infections
27. Cher
28. "It's only a cold sore"
29. Photographers with infrared cameras (remember, if it can be seen from a
public place, it's not private)
30. Hetero men who ask "Did you come yet?"
31. SOMEBODY has to sleep in the wet spot
32. Taking off the jimmy-hat
33. In horror flicks, people having sex are always the first to be killed by
axe murderers in hockey masks
34. The ever popular Eternal Damnation
35. Smegma
36. You still live with your parents
37. You love her but you're not *in love* with her
38. Creation of sounds not meant to be emitted by the human body
39. Drooling
40. Letters to the Editor
41. Calling out the wrong name
42. Potential threat to your political aspirations (unless you're a Kennedy)
43. Your brother gets home from school at 3:00
44. No one to have sex with
45. Carpet burn
The Rules of Bedroom Golf.
======
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play-- normally one
club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep
the balls out of the hole.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to
avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as possible until the
course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may
result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to
admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or
are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course
owners have been known to damage players' equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along just in case.
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly
scheduled, particularly when a course is being played for the first time.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times.
Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily
under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful under these
circumstances. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when
this is the case.
12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before
attempting to play the back nine.
13. Slow play is encouraged. Players, however, should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, upon the course owner's
request.
14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the
same hole several times in one match.
15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a
given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and
the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to
continue playing several different courses.
--The 2nd greatest experience known to man is flying--
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Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 10:03:28 -0700
From: Joe Ortiz <ORTIZ@SCC.BITNET>
Subject: more elephant jokes
Boy, these jokes are taking me back a few years!
(1) Do you know why elephants paint their toenails different
colors?
To hide in M&M bags
(2) Have you ever seen an elephant in a bag of M&M's?
They hide pretty well, don't they....
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Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 13:00:01 -0400
From: I am the man you doth not want to see... <JACKSO15@SNYBUFVA.BITNET>
Subject: Woman in Store -- R
Here's one I like...
A woman saunters into an all night adult sex shop. She
walks up to the lone proprietor and stops.
"Can I help you?" The man asks.
"Yes," she says. "I want to buy a vibrator."
The man wiggles his finger at the woman and says, "Come this
way."
"If I could come that way," she replies. "I wouldn't need
the vibrator."
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Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 13:15:45 EDT
From: Timothy P. Stammers<Timothy.P.Stammers@DARTMOUTH.EDU>
Subject: Re: more elephant jokes
What's grey on the inside and clear on the outside?
An elephant in a plastic baggie!
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Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 13:37:17 EDT
From: Yoda <CMSPUNS@UGA.BITNET>
Subject: Re: Presidents in Heaven (G)
On Tue, 13 Apr 1993 11:14:36 EST ADKO000 Kathleen Olivier - Computer
Center sai>One day, much to the USA's elation, President Clinton, Former
President
>Bush and Ross Perot all die. They somehow make it up to heaven and are
>personally greeted by God when they get there. As God meets the first
>recently-departed he asks who he is and Bush replies "My name is George
>Bush and I'm the former president of the United States!" God replies
>that He has heard of George Bush and will give him a place of honor --
>sitting at his left. Next came Clinton and when asked for
AND SO ON
'Heard the same joke, but (perhapsmore appropriately) Bush was asked to
sit on the RIGHT, and Clinton on the LEFT. And the third party was
HILARY, who demanded that God get out of HER chair!!
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Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 14:34:35 EDT
From: Timothy P. Stammers<Timothy.P.Stammers@DARTMOUTH.EDU>
Subject: A riddle (R)
What's grey and comes in quarts?
An elephant!!
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Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 11:35:00 MDT
From: Ronald K. Freund <FREUND_R@UCOLMCC.BITNET>
Subject: Clinton joke
I thought this was funny, in spite of the fact that I'm a Clinton supporter:
It was so cold in Washington last week that Bill Clinton had to put his hand in
his _own_ pocket!
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Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 16:03:08 -0400
From: Itchy N Scratchy <LPD5002@NYSHESCV.BITNET>
Subject: Poet joke
Q: What happened when Wordsworth got caught speeding?
A: He got his poetic license suspended.
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Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 15:55:16 -0400
From: Michael Clark <mclark@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Fried Rice
The Japanese-American was a long time customer at a Greek restaurant
because he had discovered that the proprietors made especially good
fried rice. Each evening he would enter the restaurant and order
"Flied lice".
This always caused the Greek owner to nearly roll on the floor
with laughter. Sometimes the owner would have two or three friends stand
nearby just to hear the Japanese customer order his "Flied Lice".
Eventually, the Japanese customer's pride was so hurt that he took
a special diction class just to be able to order his "fried rice" without the
humiliation.
The next time he went into the restaurant he plainly ordered,
"Fried rice, please."
Unable to believe his ears, the greek restaurant owner asked him
to repeat the order.
The Japanese-American replied,
"You heard what I said, you FLUCKIN GLEEK!"
Michael Clark
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Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 20:58:00 EST
From: Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 442-9066<KENNEDS@MAIL.FIRN.EDU>
Subject: Re: Chicken joke
Actually, a turtle joke...
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell Station.
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Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 17:12:00 EST
From: Sally Waters <WATERS@STETSON.BITNET>
Subject: Dumb joke, rated G...
Why did the man get fired from his job at the Tropicana factory?
Couldn't concentrate...
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Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 17:39:35 EDT
From: Michael Hollinger <MCHOLL@TSRV1.TS.WM.EDU>
Subject: Re: more elephant jokes G
How many elephants can you fit in a Volvo? Seven!
Three in the back, two in front, one in the trunk, and one in the
glove compartment!
And then there was the one about the llamas....
Three llamas walked into a bar. THE FOURTH ONE DUCKED!!!
'''
MCHOLL@TSRV1.TS.WM.EDU (o o) Michael Hollinger, esq.
---------------------------oOO--(_)--OOo----------------------------
And we'll have fun, fun, fun, til Daddy takes the keyboard away!!!!!
* *
============
Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 22:47:00 EST
From: "Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 442-9066"
<KENNEDS@MAIL.FIRN.EDU>
Subject: leprechaun joke (PG-13)
Man walks into a pub and puts a large suitcase down on the bar. Bartender
walks over and says, "Oh, you're from out of town, are ya?"
The man nods, then says, "And will ya take a look at this, huh?" He opens
up the suitcase, and inside is sitting a little guy -- about a foot high --
in front of a miniature piano. When the man snaps his fingers, the little
guy starts playing a pretty good rendition of Gershwin's "Rhapsody in
Blue."
"Why that's just amazin'!" the bartender exclaims. "Remarkable! Where in
the world did ya find him?"
"Well," says the man, "it's kind of a long story. I was out walkin' in the
woods, and I tripped over a leprechaun. He was sleepin', ya know, and I
woke him up. He was none too pleased, but he was obligated to grant me my
wish anyhow."
The bartender gestures at the little musician. "And ya wished for him?"
"Not actually," says the man. "But I guess the leprechaun was a little
hard of hearin'. He musta thought I said '...a 12-inch pianist.'"
Shirley D. Kennedy
Clearwater, FL
kenneds@firnvx.firn.edu
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Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 23:04:44 EST
From: Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Ruthless political humor
The Cynic's Cabinet
STATE - Jessie Jackson
LABOR - Murphy Brown
DEFENSE - Father Barrigan
AGRICULTURE - Rush Limbaugh
VETERANS AFFAIRS - Jane Fonda
DRUG ENFORCEMENT AGENCY - Marion Barry
ATTORNEY GENERAL - Ed Meese
HOUSING & URBAN DEV. - Leonna Helmsley
COMMERCE - Edwin Edwards
TRANSPORTATION - Ted Kennedy
TREASURY - Charles Keating
EDUCATION - Dan Quayle
INTERIOR - Jennifer Flowers
ENERGY - Strom Thurman
F B I - John Gotti
C I A - Ross Perot
NASA - Jerry Brown
COUNCIL ON AGING - Dr. Jack Kovorkian
NATIONAL COUNCIL FOR THE ARTS - Madonna
JOINT CHIEF OF STAFF - Admiral Stockdale
CHIEF OF PROTOCOL - Roseanne Barr
HEALTH & HUMAN SERVICES - Magic Johnson
WHITE HOUSE SPOKESMAN - David Letterman
UN AMBASSADOR - Amy Carter
---
It is said that the first thing Bill Clinton did when he arrived in
the White House was to phone up all the women who refused to go out
with him in college, and ask:
"... and what does your husband do for a living?"
---
Bumper sticker: Impeach Hillary
---
We elected Clinton for change, and that's about all I have left.
---
Bumper sticker: Born free. Taxed to death.
---
I'm unemployed. Afraid to steal and too proud to run for Congress
---
Clinton and Gore: Count Taxula and Al Gore.
---
Q: How many Attorney General candidates does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
A: None -- they get their illegal workers to do it.
---
You're a Republican, aren't you?
Why yes, madam. How could you tell?
All you do is complain.
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