Digest for Monday, May 03, 1993
There are 12 messages totalling 571 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Re: Tasteless... (sick jokes - PG)
- Worse than Tasteless...
- black and white and ...
- Koresh (150 lines): Funny if your hate FBI/Clinton
- Letter to God -- Rated G
- Re: Tasteless... (sick jokes - PG)
- Doing the Job Alone...(G)
- About as funny as a... [MILD]
- Laundry Joke
- Coursework for Men
- Jokes not always funny.
- A few tidbits. (slightly offensive)
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Date: Mon, 3 May 1993 14:31:23 BST
From: Mr Hugh Armour <ha1@STIRLING.AC.UK>
Subject: Re: Tasteless... (sick jokes - PG)
Q: What's black & white & black & white & black & white and blue?
A: A nun falling down stairs.
In the same vein (sorry!):
Q: What's black & white & red and can't walk through doors?
A: A nun with a javelin throgh her head.
Q: What's black & white and bounces?
A: A rubber nun.
Q: What goes plink plink fizz?
A: Two babies in an acid bath.
Q: What's green and goes red at the flick of a switch?
A: A frog in a liquidiser.
Hugh Armour
Systems & Network Group
University of Stirling
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Date: Mon, 3 May 1993 09:29:01 LCL
From: Andy Mavrias <ANDYM@550SHERB.LAN.MCGILL.CA>
Subject: Worse than Tasteless...
What's black and white and red all over and has trouble going through
revolving doors?
A nun with a spear through her head.
don't say I didn't warn you.....
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Date: Mon, 3 May 1993 10:19:59 -0500
From: Brad Pardee <bradp@UNLLIB.UNL.EDU>
Subject: black and white and ...
What's black and white and red all over?
Pravda!
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Date: Mon, 3 May 1993 12:52:22 EST
From: Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Koresh (150 lines): Funny if your hate FBI/Clinton
The following dialogue is a Republican re-construction of "The WACO
Religious Liberation Movement: How the FBI and the Democrats Undermind
Religious Freedom and the Right to Own Guns" aka "The David Koresh Story"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
These are some memos found in the trash behind the primary building of
the FBI (Federal Bureau of Incompetents) in Washington, D.C. They're
probably classified information, and possession of them on your computer
system no doubt is considered a federal offense.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
To: FBI Director William Sessions
From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
This small Wacko cult isn't giving in. Do you have any instructions?
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
Try playing "Feelings" over and over again 24 hours a day. That should
get the point across.
The Director
To: FBI Director William Sessions
From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
Thank you for the suggestion. Unfortunately, playing "Feelings" over
and over again 24 hours a day has succeeded only in convincing the Wacko
folks
that the end of the world is at hand. They're a bit less cooperative now.
Any more suggestions?
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
Add searchlights at night. And add to the playlist something by
The Partridge Family.
Still The Director
To: FBI Director William Sessions
From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
They like the Partridge Family.
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
Sickos.
STD
To: FBI Director William Sessions
From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
We're getting bored out here. Can we go in now?
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
Not until we've wiped their reputation a bit. Notify the reporters
about Koresh's sexual abuse of young, baby frogs.
The Director and Producer
To: FBI Director William Sessions
From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
We have no substantiated reports of sexual abuse of young, baby frogs.
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
Do you have a point?
The Brilliant
To: FBI Director William Sessions
From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
Unsubstantiated rumors of baby frog abuse will not withstand scrutiny.
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
What scrutiny are you expecting, agent? Who's going to stand up for
a cult leader who's abused baby frogs?
Better than Brilliant
To: FBI Director William Sessions
From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
We've had a tiny accident at the compound.
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
How tiny?
Better than Brilliant,
but slighty Worried
To: FBI Director William Sessions
From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
It kind of like, burned down. Sort of. Sir.
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
Notify the press the cultists committed mass suicide by burning down
their compound.
Brilliant, Almost Godlike
To: FBI Director William Sessions
From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
We haven't gathered any evidence at all yet, let alone of
a mass suicide.
Pretty Good Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
Do you have a point?
Try to remain more formal in your memos.
The BAG Director
To: FBI Director William Sessions
From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
No sir, thank you sir.
Agent 2x3276
To: FBI Director William Sessions
From: President Billy Bob Clinton
Will:
What the hell are you folks doing over there?
Bill
To: President William Clinton
From: FBI Director William Sessions
Sir:
Just doing our best to maintain law and order on a cult of
baby-frog-abusing Partridge Family fans, sir.
Director Sessions
To: FBI Director William Sessions
From: President Billy Bob Clinton
Will:
Oh. Okay.
Mr. Bill
To: Members of the Press
From: President William Clinton
Dear Members of the Press:
The FBI has informed me of a tiny error they've made. I take full
reponsibility. It wasn't my fault.
The President
Isn't it interesting that the above account mentions David Koresh's name only
once and then only to mock the claim that Koresh had sexual relations with
children. Rush Limbaugh would be proud.
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Date: Mon, 3 May 1993 10:44:00 PDT
From: TORRANCE Pat <ptorrance@SHL.COM>
Subject: Letter to God -- Rated G
Once not too long ago there was a wee young lad who didn't have a bicycle.
That lack had caused him no end of grief since ALL of his friends did, and
didn't want to walk where they could ride. The boy became frustrated by this
and finally decided to ask his mom for one.
"Mom, can I have a new bicycle?"
"I'm sorry, Johnny, but we haven't the money."
"But, Mooooooooom, I really neeeed a bicycle. All my friends have one and I
don't!"
"No, Johnny. That's final. Why don't you pray to God for one?"
Not a bad idea, thought Johnny. So he went up to his room and knelt next to
his bed and clasped his hands together tightly. "Please, God, I need a
bicycle." When no bicycle appeared in a blinding flash of light, Johnny was
more than a little miffed. He decided to write a letter instead. It's much
harder to ignore a request in writing, he thought.
So Johnny got up and went to his desk, pulled out paper and pencil and began
to write, "Dear God, I really need a bicycle...." Naah, that's no good, he
thought, and crumpled the paper into a little ball and threw it in the
trash. "Dear God, If you give me a bicycle, I promise to be good for at
least a week...." Naah. He crushed this one and sent it to follow its
predecessor. As he sat, waiting for inspiration, he happened to glance out
his bedroom door and see a statue of the Blessed Virgin Mary in the hallway.
As expected, inspiration struck. He rushed to the linen closet and grabbed a
sheet, ran to the BVM, grabbed it and wrapped it in the sheet and ran back
to his room and shoved it under his bed. He walked back to his desk and
began to write,
"Dear God, If you ever want to see your mother again...."
That's it. Let me know what you think...
Pat Torrance
ptorrance@shl.com
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Date: Mon, 3 May 1993 14:13:53 LCL
From: Andy Mavrias <ANDYM@550SHERB.LAN.MCGILL.CA>
Subject: Re: Tasteless... (sick jokes - PG)
What's red and green all over?
A frog in a blender
What is it if you put it in a glass?
Frog-Nog
What happens if you drink it?
You croak
******CLASSIC JOKE SEGMENT******
What's black and white and read all over?
a newspaper.
********************************
SPORTS SEGMENT
Paul Dipietro, of the Montreal Canadiens, after giving a stellar
performance against the Quebec Nordiques in the final game of the
series, was handed a puck by coach Jaques Demers and asked if he
could pass it.
DiPietro replied "I don't think I could even swallow it."
****
It's monday, so sue me...
L8r!
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Date: Mon, 3 May 1993 14:38:00 -0500
From: MLEWKOWICZ@ITHACAOA.BITNET
Subject: Doing the Job Alone...(G)
This little bit, while humorous, is supposed to be completely true. Hope
your day doesn't go as badly!
_Trying To Do The Job Alone_
Dear Sirs:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In
block 3 of the accident reporting form, I put "trying to do the job alone"
as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain
more fully and I trust that the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident I was working alone
on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work I
discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather that
carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by
using a pulley which fortunately was attached to the side of the building
at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel
out, and loaded the brick into it. Then I went down to the ground floor
and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow decent of the 500
pounds of brick. You will note in block number 11 of the accident form
that I weigh 145 pounds.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor I met the barrel coming down. This
explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent not stopping until the
fingers of my hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by
this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly
to the rope in spite of my pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the
bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds.
I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I
began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of
the third floor I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two
fractured ankles and the lacerations on my legs and lower body.
The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I
fell onto the pile of bricks and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were
cracked.
I am sorry to report, however that as I lay there on the bricks in pain,
unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I
again lost my presence of mind--and I let go of the rope. The empty barrel
weighed more than the rope so it came back down on me and broke both my
legs.
I hope I have furnished the information you require as to how the accident
occurred.
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Date: Mon, 3 May 1993 13:50:01 EST
From: Scott Davis <LIBDAVI@CML.INDSTATE.EDU>
Subject: About as funny as a... [MILD]
[fill in the blank] ...is about as funny as a:
...fart in a space suit.
...fart in a diving bell.
...fart in a two person sub.
...bubblegum machine on a lockjaw ward.
...cigarette machine on a cancer ward.
...one-legged man at an ass-kicking contest.
...cat with diarrhea.
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Date: Mon, 3 May 1993 17:23:07 EDT
From: John B. Harlow <76520.3144@COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject: Laundry Joke
A newlywed husband initiated sexual activiity with his bride every night by
turning to her and asking if she "would like to do the laundry".
One night after more than a year, she replies in the negative for the first
time, pleading a headache.
In the morning, feeling quite guilty over her failure to meet her husbands
needs, she asks him if he "would like to do the laundry" to which he
replies:
"No thanks, it was a small load, I did it by hand"
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Date: Mon, 3 May 1993 16:49:50 -0300
From: Amy Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject: Coursework for Men
> SEMINARS FOR MEN:
>
> Once again, the female staff will be offering courses to men of all
> marital status. Please note, the names of some of the courses have
> been changed. Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses
> is mandatory.
>
> 1. Combating Stupidity
> 2. You Can Do Housework Too
> 3. PMS - Learning When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
> 4. How to Fill an Ice Tray
> 5. We do not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas. GIVE US
> MONEY.
> 6. Understanding the Female Response to your Coming in Drunk at
> 3am
> 7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly called "Don't Wash my
> Silks")
> 8. Parenting - No, it Doesn't End with Conception.
> 9. How not to Act like an Ass, When you are Obviously Wrong
> 10. Get a Life - Learn to Cook.
> 11. Spelling - Even you can get it right
> 12. You - The Weaker Sex
> 13. Reasons to give Flowers
> 14. How to stay awake after sex
> 15. Why it is Unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the
> Washroom
> 16. Garbage - Getting it to the Curb.
> 17. #101 - You Can Fall Asleep With Out It - If You Really Try
> #102 - The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake, Take a Shower
> 18. I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please
> 19. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly called "No, It's Not
> A Bidet")
> 20. Give me a Break - Why we know your excuses are B.S.
> 21. The Weekend and Sports are not Synonymous
> 22. How to Go Shopping with your Mate without Getting Lost
> 23. The Remote Control - Overcoming your Dependency
> 24. Romanticism - Other Ideas Besides Sex
> 25. Helpful Posture Hints for Couch Potatoes
> 26. Changing your Underwear - It Really Works
> 27. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
> 28. You Too Can Be a Designated Driver
> 29. Male Bonding - Leaving your Friends at Home
> 30. Fluffing the Blankets after Releasing Gas is NOT Necessary
> 31. The Attainable Goal - Omitting ]@#$&$ >From Your Vocabulary
> 32. Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially When Naked
>
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Date: Mon, 3 May 1993 18:35:19 EST
From: Herman Archie <HERMAN@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Jokes not always funny.
What has 1000 legs and can't walk?
Jerry's kids.
Do you think a blind man can see into the future.
How many dead people are in a cemetary?
All of them.
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Date: Mon, 3 May 1993 16:25:00 MST
From: James Hafen <JHAFEN@ECCLAB.MED.UTAH.EDU>
Subject: A few tidbits. (slightly offensive)
Sorry if this has already been posted.
I hope some of you will find this amusing...
And if any of it offends I apologize now... :)
-James
----------------
The following is from the British Sunday Express giving Gongs (medals)
for dubious distinctions in 1992.
Tortoise Trophy
British Rail, which ingeniously solved the problem of
lateness in the InterCity express train service by redefining
"on time" to include trains arriving within one hour of
schedule.
Rubber Cusion
John Bloor who mistook a tube of superglue for his
maemorrhoid cream and glued his buttocks together.
Crimewatch Cup
Gold star: Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning
home with a stolen stereo. His error was having tattoed
on his forehead in large capital letters the words
"Henry Smith". His lawyer told the court: "My client
is not a very bright young man."
Silver star: Michael Robinson, who rang police to
deliver a bomb hoax, but become so agitated about the mounting
cost of the call that he began screaming "call me back" and
left his phone number.
Bronze star: Paul Monkton, who used as his getaway vehicle
a van with his name and phone number painted in foot-high
letters on the side.
British cup
(My favourite)
To passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate
to Victoria who averted their eyes while John Henderson
and Zoe D'Arcy engaged in oral sex and then moved
onto intercourse, but complained when they lit up
post-coital cigarettes in a non-smoking compartment.
Flying cross
To Percy the Pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in
a Sheffield loft having beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500 mile
race and was immediately eaten by a cat. The 90 minute
delay in finding his remains and handing his identification
tag to the judges relegated Percy from first to third
place.
Lazarus Laurel
To Julia Carson who as her tearful family gathered
round her coffin in a New York funeral parlour,
sat bolt upright and asked what the hell was going
on. Celebrations were short lived since Mrs.
Carson's daughter, Julie, immediately dropped dead
from shock.
Silver bullett
To poacher Marino Malerba who shot dead a stag standing
above him on an overhanging rock, and was killed
instantly when it fell on him.
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