Digest for Tuesday, May 04, 1993
There are 17 messages totalling 581 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Satire against Camels Joe Smooth campaign
- sick Koresh lymericks written by weird neighbor.
- Kind-of-Bad
- NEW WORKSHOPS FOR EMPLOYEES
- 2nd attempt to post this
- License Plates
- license plate
- F.I.B. license plate
- Personalized Computer User IDs (like license plates)
- IM26Y4U license plate
- Pope and Jew joke (clean)
- license plates
- License plate
- Humor
- President Clinton
- Humor from Music majors
- Licence Plate
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Date: Tue, 4 May 1993 00:05:31 EDT
From: Bill Edwards <BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET>
Subject: Satire against Camel's Joe Smooth campaign
This is a repost from another list:
Background: A "group" is going after the Camel Cigarettes Company
because they say Camel's advertising logo cartoon "Joe Smooth" is
enticing kids to smoke.
Washington, DC
Special Features
UPI - tony j. podrasky (tonyp@convex.com)
In what's being hailed as a blow against smoking reform and keeping
cigarettes out of the hands of babes, MAMA (Mothers Against Most Anything)
and DAMMIT (Dads Against Mad Mothers Involving Them) are livid over the
court's decision to allow the Camel Cigarette Company to continue using
its "Joe Smooth" character in the advertisements.
Judges Ima Bought and Stew Ped ruled in favor of the cigarette company,
saying that it was indeed within the prerogative of the first amendment
"freedom of speech" for the company to use any logo it cared to.
When asked by reporters how they felt about the decision, Ken Sur
of TSAR (Tobacco Smokers Against Reform) replied that "we're pretty
happy with the decision" and that "with this out of the way we can get on
with the business of marketing our new product lines".
The new product line is aimed at the "adults who think like the younger
generation", and consists of "Masters of the Universe regulars",
"Cabbage Patch menthol", "My Little Pony 100's", and "SMURF chewing
tobacco".
Another unique feature of the new product line is that now, instead of coming
20 to a pack, the cigarettes will be 2 to a box, include trading cards, and
come with a "clorets" to get that nasty smell off your breath before you
get home.
Introductory pricing will be equivalent to the money tendered for 2
deposit bottles.
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Date: Tue, 4 May 1993 13:22:00 IST
From: A. SOLOMON EAGLSTEIN<WELFARE%ILNCRD@VMS.HUJI.AC.IL>
Subject: sick Koresh lymericks written by weird neighbor.
Lymericks From Dave's Folly
There was a young whacko from Waco
Whom all agreed was a flako
He was the object of blame
When he went up in flame
And turned into an outdoor bakeo
There was a young culti named Dave
Whom his flock found out was a knave
He inflamed their ire
When he set them afire
And were led by ol' Dave to the grave
In Waco a sick little clod
Claimed he heard the voice of God
In a twit of self-pity
He burned up his city
And completely blackened his bod
There was a leader of a cult
That was fried to the size of a nut
But he managed to convey
As he sizzled away
That his prophecy was a bit in a rut
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Date: Tue, 4 May 1993 09:06:27 EST
From: DARON MCNAB <IDPM@SNYCENVM.BITNET>
Subject: Kind-of-Bad
What do you get when you have girl with an Aickey-Breaky-Heart and a
Yeast infection?
An Itchy-Twitchey-Twat
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Date: Tue, 4 May 1993 10:40:35 -0400
From: Sandi Graves <s.graves@DPC.DPC.UMASSP.EDU>
Subject: NEW WORKSHOPS FOR EMPLOYEES
I received this from a friend a few years ago. Sorry if it has already
appeared. -SANDI
----------( Forwarded letter 1 follows
)------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tuesday, 30 March 1993 2:20pm ET
To: s.graves
From: s.graves
Subject: new workshops for employees
due to budget constraints, the long-respected employee development office has
been disbanded. Our department, however, has decided to offer various
workshops of special interest to our employees. Sign up sheets are posted
in the lunch room.
** Self improvement **
i100 creative suffering
i101 overcoming peace of mind
i102 you and your birthmark
i103 guilt without sex
i104 the primal shrug
i105 molding your child's behavior through guilt and fear
i106 dealing with post-realization
i107 whine your way to alienation
i108 how to overcome self-doubt through pretense and ostentation
** business and career **
b110 "i made $1.98 In real estate"
b111 money can make you rich
b112 packaging and selling your child
b113 the underachiever's guide to very small business opportunities
b114 tax shelters for the homeless
b115 looter's guide to american cities
** home economics **
e120 how to convert your family room into a garage
e121 cultivating viruses in your refridgerator
e122 sinus drainage at home
e123 basic kitchen taxidermy
e124 1001 other ways to use your vacuum cleaner
e125 the repair and maintenance of your virginity
** health and fitness **
h130 creative tooth decay
h131 the joys of hypochondria
h132 high fiber sex
h133 suicide and your health
h134 biofeedback and how to stop it
h135 skate yourself to regularity
h136 tap dance your way to social ridicule
** crafts **
c140 baskets and basket cases
c142 gifts for the senile
c143 psychoceramics
c144 how to make nothing from practically something
c145 how to make weapons from home and office supplies
c146 bonsai your pet
c147 needlecraft for junkies
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Date: Tue, 4 May 1993 13:17:00 -0500
From: Eric Schmidt <SCHMIDT@UTKLIB.LIB.UTK.EDU>
Subject: 2nd attempt to post this
Anybody seen any memorable ones? Share them with the rest of us...
Seen on a Saab 900 : KMOSAAB...As in the Lone Ranger.
Seen on a Porche 944 : YIBUY4N...Good reason.
Seen on a BMW 525i : RNUNVUS...Envious? Me? Never!
Seen on a 300ZX : ROC DOC...The driver is a known Geologist.
For all you Earth Science buffs out there:
Slogan on a license plate rim on the back of a Nissan Pathfinder:
"Reunite Gondwanaland!"
All these clever slogans and plates right here in good ol' Knoxville.
AAAAAAmazing ain't it?
If I don't see y'all here, I'll see ya, hear.
E. Schmidt
Schmidt@Utklib.lib.utk.edu
--Boundary (ID HZLZIC2C+YgwUS3AIz4nOA)--
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Date: Tue, 4 May 1993 13:54:02 CST
From: Terry D. Mathias <GE0515@SIUCVMB.SIU.EDU>
Subject: License Plates
2BMD1DAY - a future doctor
LTIG 8 - an attorney
2BRNT2B - a professor of Elizabethean drama
BCNU
HOT TRAX - a radio station "personality"
DO CUTS - a barber-beautician (female)
MD2B - like the first one
These are all real and were seen in Illinois.
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Date: Tue, 4 May 1993 15:00:12 +22311259
From: Frank B. Brooks <fbrooks@GARNET.ACNS.FSU.EDU>
Subject: license plate
Here's a plate recently seen in Florida:
C O JONES
(hint: ya gotta know Spanish to read it.)
fbrooks@garnet.acns.fsu.edu
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Date: Tue, 4 May 1993 14:23:39 -0500
From: Shawn T Poulter-1 <poul0004@STUDENT.TC.UMN.EDU>
Subject: F.I.B. license plate
I saw this one in Wisconsin last year.
3M TA3
Hint: Read backwards, as if seen in a rearview mirror.
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Date: Tue, 4 May 1993 14:50:52 CST
From: Terry D. Mathias <GE0515@SIUCVMB.SIU.EDU>
Subject: Personalized Computer User IDs (like license plates)
RADAR - (firstname) Range
HONEYDEW - (firstname) Mellon
HOLYCOW - a Chicago baseball fan
GOCUBS - ditto
GOBULLS - a Chicago basketball fan
YAMIHERE - a philosophy student
CHEROKEE - an aviation student
Honest, these are all real!
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Date: Tue, 4 May 1993 14:15:38 PST
From: John Wical <UNCJWI@LLUVM.BITNET>
Subject: IM26Y4U license plate
Seen in Southern California:
IM26Y4U
John
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Date: Tue, 4 May 1993 16:33:48 EST
From: Nancy Watkins <LIBWATK@CML.INDSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Pope and Jew joke (clean)
This was sent to me by my son-in-law after I had forwarded to him a
couple of the Pope/Rabbi jokes from this list.
------- Forwarded Message Follows -------
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to
leave Vatican City. Naturally, there was a big uproar from the Jewish
community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a
member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the
Pope won, the Jews would leave.
The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle-
aged man named Moshe to represent them. Moshe asked for one addition to the
debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk.
The Pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moshe and the Pope sat opposite
each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed 3
fingers. Moshe looked back at him and raised 1 finger. The Pope waved his
finger in a circle around his head. Moshe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moshe pulled out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can
stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what
happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the
trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was
still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around
me
to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the
ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the
wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He
pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer
for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moshe. "What
happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moshe, "First he said to me that the Jews have 3 days to
get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me
that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know what we were
staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moshe, "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
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Date: Tue, 4 May 1993 15:09:36 -0700
From: Leslie Harding <lharding@U.WASHINGTON.EDU>
Subject: license plates
2HOT4U -- little red sports convertible
4 PLAY -- 4 X 4 mini truck with oversize tires
10SNE1 -- a tennis enthusiast
IMB4U -- someone that likes to point out the obvious
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Date: Tue, 4 May 1993 18:14:41 -0600
From: Les Pourciau at Memphis State<POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU>
Subject: License plate
Seen near G, TN, on a Corvette driven by a young female (undoubtedly
a student at Tenn. Tech.):
IOU DAD
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
Lester J. Pourciau Bitnet: Pourciau@MEMSTVX1
Director of Libraries Internet:
Pourciau@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU
Memphis State University Voice: 901-678-2201
Memphis TN 38152 U.S.A. Fax: 901-678-2511
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
Quality is never an accident. It is always the result
of careful planning, attention to detail, and hard work.
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
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Date: Tue, 4 May 1993 19:33:10 EST
From: Herman Archie <HERMAN@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Humor
Q: When is a hinge needeed and loving?
A: When it's something to adore. (door)
Q: What is the best paper for making kites?
A: Fly paper.
Q: What's put on the table, cut, but never eaten?
A: A pack of playing cards.
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Date: Tue, 4 May 1993 19:56:50 EST
From: Dani Mudge <DANI@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: President Clinton
President Clinton was on his usuall jog for the day when he saw a ;little boy
who had several puppies with him , the President asked him what their names
where , the little boy said their names are DEMOCRATICS , the Pres. said oh
what great namews for the puppies . So the next day president Clinton went
joggi
jogging with his duaghter Chelse so that she coulkd see the puppies and
when they camr>[De up to the ;>[Dlittle boy C the president told him to tell
Chelse the puppies names; and the little boy replied thier names are
REPUBLICANS ; . THen the prs>[Desident said " you told me yesterday that
thier
were DEMOCRATICS ", and the little said yeah that was yesterday when their
eyers were closed , but today theire>[D opened.
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Date: Tue, 4 May 1993 22:06:37 EST
From: Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Humor from Music majors <some vulgarities>
MUSICIAN JOKES -- In Score Order
Q. How do you get two piccolos to play in perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.
Q. What's the definition of a minor second?
A. Two flutes in unison.
Q. What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
A. Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.
Q. Why is playing an English horn solo like wetting your pants?
A. Both give you a warm feeling, but nobody else cares.
Q. What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get away from the bassoon recital.
Q. Why do clarinettists leave their cases on their dashboards?
A. So they can park in the handicapped zones.
Q. What's the definition of a nerd?
A. Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?
A. You can tune a lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors will be
upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.
Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. A man who brings a soprano sax to a gig and refuses to play
it.
Q. How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five. One to do it, and four to contemplate how David Sanborn
would have done it.
Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for direc-
tions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune
tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out-of-tune tenor sax player. Meeting the other two means
you're hallucinating.
Q. What's the difference between a chainsaw and a bari sax?
A. Vibrato.
Q. How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much
better they could have done it.
Q. How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
A. Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.
Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a
dead country singer in the road?
A. Skid marks in front of the snake.
Q. What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road
and a dead country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on his way to a recording
session.
Q. What's the range of a tuba?
A. About twenty yards if you've got a good arm.
Q. What's a tuba for?
A. About 1 1/2" by 3 1/2".
Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A. A drummer.
Q. Why do drummers have half an ounce more brains than horses?
A. So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.
Q. How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. They have machines that do that now.
Q. What does a timpanist say when he gets a gig?
A. "Would you like some fries with that, sir?"
Q. What did the timpanist get on his I.Q. test?
A. Drool.
Q. What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A. A harpist tuning unison strings.
Q. Why are a violinist's fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same place twice.
Q. How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
A. The bow is moving.
Q. Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?
A. They are both offensive and inaccurate.
Q. What do violinists use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
Q. How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
A. Sit in the back and don't play.
Q. How do you know if a viola section is at your door?
A. No one knows when to come in.
Q. What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
A. The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Q. Why are violins smaller than violas?
A. They're not. Violinists' heads are just bigger.
Q. What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
A. The coffin has the corpse inside.
Q. Why are orchestral intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A. So you don't have to retrain the cellists.
Q. Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?
A. The timpanist turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.
Q. How can you tell if a bass player is really bad?
A. Even the section notices.
Q. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.
Q. How does a soprano change a light bulb?
A. She just holds it in the socket and the world revolves around her.
Q. What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
A. You can negotiate with the PLO.
Q. What's the difference between a dressmaker and an alto?
A. The dressmaker tucks up the frills.
Q. If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end...
A. It would be a good idea.
Q. What do you call half a dozen dead basses?
A. Deep six.
Q. What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
A. The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole's in back.
Q. If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which
will hit the ground first?
A. Who cares?
Q. If you needed a heart transplant, why would you want one from a
conductor?
A. Because it's had so little use.
Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. To get away from the noise.
Q. How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A. Give him a sheet of music.
Q. Why is an electric guitar like a vacuum cleaner?
A. When you plug it in, it sucks.
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Date: Tue, 4 May 1993 22:57:00 LCL
From: Richard Hallett <hallett@SELKIRK.BC.CA>
Subject: Licence Plate
A neighbor has the plate ICU4DK. Guess his occupation.
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