Digest for Wednesday, May 05, 1993
There are 14 messages totalling 670 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- NEW VIRUS LIST! CHECK YOUR ENVIRONMENT! (offensive- only mildly)
- Classic Fable about being happy
- 12 days of Christmas (with an original twist)
- dangerfield jokes
- Ultimate revenge (adult theme
- St. Peter Story - PG
- Rednecks
- Silly but not offensive
- license plates
- Misery is...(pg)
- Danny goes to Heaven...
- Branch Davidians
- More Branch Davidians...
- JOKING IN THE 90 s.
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Date: Wed, 5 May 1993 00:03:03 MDT
From: Petr Novotny <NOVOTNYP@CSEARN.BITNET>
Subject: NEW VIRUS LIST! CHECK YOUR ENVIRONMENT! (offensive- only mildly)
This thing I've seen from a guy from MIT. Enjoy!
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It
warns
you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus," but instead
refers
to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how
old
it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a
counselor about possible alternatives.
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before
the
whole thing quits.
MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to
80MB, and then
slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are
getting.
THE MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too
much
for the AT&T virus.
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll
be back.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child
processes
without joining into a binary network.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS 2: Their is sumthing rong with your compueter, ewe
just
can't figyour out watt.
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic
software
says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of
people really
mad just thinking about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of
little units,
each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most
important part of the computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their
data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose
"Abort" from
the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS: Hard to identifiy because it is constantly
altering
its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits eratically
with a
message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own
motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs,
only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Turns your printer into a document shredder.
NIKE VIRUS: Just Does It!
SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power
supply,
and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Nobody can find it.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: Runs every program on the hard drive
simultaneously, but
doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up
then
subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive
shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone
before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Test your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and
sends
you a bill for $4,500.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my test.... no new
files!" on the screen, proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard
drive with new files, then blames it on the Congress Virus.
CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a
286/AT.
LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and
erases them in "self-defense."
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last
in the
reviews, but you still love it.
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Date: Wed, 5 May 1993 00:43:14 EDT
From: Bill Edwards <BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET>
Subject: Classic Fable about being happy <sh-- word>
IF YOU'RE UNHAPPY
Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided
not to fly south for the winter.
However, soon the weather turned so cold he changed his mind, and
reluctantly started to fly south.
In a short time, ice began to form on his wings, and he fell to the
earth in a barnyard, almost frozen.
A cow passed by and crapped on the little bird.
The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and
defrosted his wings.
Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing.
Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the chirping,
investigated the sounds.
Ol' Tom cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and
promptly ate him.
There are three morals to this story:
1. Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2. Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your
friend.
3. And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth
shut.
Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, BEDWARDS@UGA (uga.cc.uga.edu)
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Date: Wed, 5 May 1993 08:49:58 -0300
From: Amy Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject: 12 days of Christmas (with an original twist)
December 14th
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a
pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection, Agnes
--------------------------------------
December 15th
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle
doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
adorable.
All my love, Agnes
------------------
December 16th
Dear John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve
such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must
insist.... you're just too kind.
Love Agnes
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December 17th
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are
beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
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December 18th
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for
each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all
those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
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December 19th
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front
steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where
will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep
through the racket. PLEASE STOP!
Cordially, Agnes
----------------
December 20th
John:
What's with you and those fucking birds???? Seven swans a-swimming. What
kind of goddam joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they
never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night.
IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with those fucking birds.
Sincerely, Agnes
----------------
December 21st
OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids
a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking,
but they had to bring their own goddam cows. There is shit all over the
lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS.
Ag
----------------
December 22nd
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And
Christ - do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since they got
here yesterday morning. The cows are upset are stepping all over those
screeching birds. No wonder they screeh. What am I going to do? The
neighbors have started a petetion to evict me. You'll get yours.
>From Ag
----------------
December 23rd
You Rotten Prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those sluts ladies.
They've been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't
sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The
commisioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building
shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you.
One who means it, Ag
--------------------
December 24th
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned
"ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran
through the maids and have been commiting sodomy with the cows. All 234 of
the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope
you're satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister
--------------------------------------
December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spredar, and Baegar)
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of tweleve fiddlers fiddling, which
you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The
destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our
attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale
Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With
this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
------------------------------------------------------------------ 07
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Date: Wed, 5 May 1993 10:30:33 EST
From: Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: dangerfield jokes <adult themes>
"When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and
said to my father, 'I'm very sorry. We did everything we
could, but he pulled through.'"
"My mother had morning sickness after I was born."
"My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only
liked me as a friend."
"My father carries around the picture of the kid who came
with his wallet."
"When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up."
"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a
toaster and a radio."
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Date: Wed, 5 May 1993 11:15:10 EDT
From: Marty <MEARLE@UGA.BITNET>
Subject: Ultimate revenge (adult theme
One day a man returned home early from his golf game to find a strange car
in his driveway. When he entered the house, he discovered his wife in
bed with another fellow! Outraged, the man grabbed the stranger, got him
in a headlock and dragged him out to the garage. Inside the garage, the man
stuck the stranger's "manhood" in a vice and squeezed the vice tight!
"OH!!! YOU'RE NOT GONNA CUT IT OFF, ARE YOU???!!!" the stranger
screamed.
"No, YOU are," the man replied, "I'M gonna set the GARAGE on fire."
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Date: Wed, 5 May 1993 13:23:27 EDT
From: John B. Harlow <76520.3144@COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject: St. Peter Story - PG
A man comes home suddenly from work and finds his wife in her negligee and
smells cigar smoke in his apartment. Suspecting infidelity he looks out the
window to see a man smoking a cigar exiting the building 10 floors below,
flies into a rage and picks up the refrigerator and hurls it out the
window.
The first to approach St. Peter is the irate husband who explains that he
"had a heart attack as a result of his wife's infideility" and is granted
entrance to heaven.
The second explains that he "had stopped at home on his way from the office
to a board meeting and the next thing he knew a refrigerator came flying
out of a tenth floor window and landed on his head" and is granted
entrance.
The third gentleman explains that he "doesn't know what happened, he was
just sitting in his girlfriend's regrigerator smoking a cigar..."
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Date: Wed, 5 May 1993 12:40:40 CDT
From: spencer cole <SCOLE1@UA1VM.BITNET>
Subject: Rednecks
Why does a redneck's eyes turn red when he's having sex?
From the Mace.
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Date: Wed, 5 May 1993 14:11:00 EDT
From: Charles Castelli <CASTELLIC@VSCNET.BITNET>
Subject: Silly but not offensive
What did the man say after he ate the six-cylinder engine?
[*slap on forehead*]
I coulda' had a V-8!
Did you hear the World War III joke?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
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Date: Wed, 5 May 1993 11:24:00 PST
From: Tim Irwin <IRWIN_T@PLU.BITNET>
Subject: license plates
Seen in Washington state
NOPCME --urologist?
near Pacific Lutheran University
THX DAD
IOU MOM
2SING4U
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Date: Wed, 5 May 1993 14:35:28 EST
From: DEBBIE NELSON <ATHDEBN@SCIFAC.INDSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Misery is...(pg)
Misery is...
explaining the birds and bees to your young son and then overhearing
him tell the little girl next door, "guess what, you're going to have
a bee..."
not having any money when the representative comes to your house
selling Mafia cookies.
laughing at your husband because he can't get into his old army
uniform and then you can't get into your old maternity dress.
going on your honeymoon and having the motel employees toss a
"welcome back" party for your bride.
going to a temperance meeting and your breath sets off the sprinkler
system.
wearing a topless bathing suit and having a man walk up to you and
say: "nice day today, sir."
a girl asking if she can come up to your place and you still live
with your mother.
sneaking in your house at four in the morning and finding your wife
sneaking out.
bursting in on your wife in the arms of the milkman...when you owe
money to the cleaner.
finding out your daughter's screen test has just been sold as an Army
training film.
getting an acting role in "Peyton Place" and discovering it's the
part of a bedridden missionary.
putting on your underarm deodorant and it turns out to be your dog's
flea and tick spray.
going to a formal affair and having a mothball fall out of your pants.
climbing your daughter's jungle gym and having to call the fire
department to help you down.
buying a sports car and discovering that your bucket is bigger than
the seat bucket.
a girl asking you to accompany her to Niagara Falls for a big thrill
and then discovering she means going over it in a barrel.
an undertaker trying to look sad at a $5000 funeral.
going on your honeymoon and seeing your bride kneel beside the bed
and say, "now I lay me down to sleep."
going to a topless bar the same day you had your eyes dilated.
cooking an exotic French dish for five hours and then having your
husband put catsup on it.
being served with a paternity suit during your first speech as
president of the Planned Parenthood Association.
your secretary saying LBJ is on the telephone and then finding out
its the subscription department of the Louisiana Breeder's Journal.
your waist measurement keeping even with your age.
a mother-in-law who tries to commit suicide but fails...and runs up a
big gas bill.
kissing your wife good night and having her put your lip up in a hair
curler.
finding that your daughter is engaged to a man of the cloth and he
turns out to be the Imperial Eagle of the KKK.
going out with a sweater girl and discovering she's more sweater than
girl.
a sexy girl dropping her handkerchief and when you bend over to pick
it up your toupee falls off.
complimenting your boss's wife on her patterned stockings and finding
out she's not wearing stockings.
going to a costume ball as a bubble dancer and finding out your date
is going as a porcupine.
having your handsome boss ask you to work late at the office ... then
finding out he wants you to work late at the office.
finding out your wife received 312 valentines from the Tijuana Cab
Drivers Association.
when you ask your doctor if he can cure you and he asks to be paid in
advance.
chasing your secretary, then catching her and being too winded to do
anything about it.
learning the pitter patter of little feet around the house is because
your wife is seeing a midget.
finding out your daughter's boyfriend just bought an amplifier for
his guitar.
going to work and discovering you're wearing your seven-year-old
son's jockey shorts.
discovering your deodorant is giving you bad breath.
going up to the attic and reading your spouse's love letters and
seeing that they're all dated last week.
showing off in your new Cadillac and crashing into a Volkswagon
driven by your IRS agent.
having your wife hurt in a hunting accident because she looks so much
like a moose.
being invited to an American Legion stag film and finding out it's
the story of Bambi's father.
your beautiful blonde neighbor coming over to visit with a bottle of
booze ten minutes after you've taken two sleeping pills.
wearing a peek-a-boo dress to a party and getting more boos than
peeks.
spending weeks on a diet so you can look good in a bathing suit,
going for a swim, and having the lifeguard shout, "whale, ho".
having your wife scream so loud that she wants to live in a more
expensive apartment that your landlord comes up and raises the rent.
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Date: Wed, 5 May 1993 15:12:00 -0500
From: Eric Schmidt <SCHMIDT@UTKLIB.LIB.UTK.EDU>
Subject: Danny goes to Heaven...
Now dear friends, when we die and appear before the Pearly Gates,
we must pass a final test to gain passage to Eternity. This always has
been, and always will be the case.
In '55, when Albert Einstein died, he arrived at the Pearly Gates
only to be asked to prove to Saint Peter that he was, in fact, Albert
Einstein. Dr. Einstein goes into a long and involved discussion about
physics and relativity. Suddenly a voice cried out, "Welcome Dr.
Einstein. Come right in".
In '68, when Martin Luther King was killed, he arrived at the
Gates. Saint Peter looked at him and asked him to prove that he was, in
fact, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Dr. King proceded to deliver a speech
on civil rights that was moving and convincing. Suddenly a voice cried
"Welcome Dr. King. Come right in."
Then, in a tragic car accident, Dan Quayle was killed. When he
arrived at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter said, "You must now prove you
are who you say you are".
Quayle gets real indignant and says, "Whtta ya mean I gotta prove
who I am...I'm Dan Quayle, former Vice President of the United States!"
Saint Peter replied, "I'm sorry, but those are the rules. Even people
like Albert Einstein and Martin Luther King had to do this."
Quayle cocks his head to the side and says, "Albert Einstien and
Martin Luther King? Who are they?". Suddenly a voice said, "Welcome Mr.
Vice President. Come right in."
Just think, for four years that man was 9mm from the Oval
Office.<Shiver...Shiver>
E. Schmidt
Schmidt@Utklib.lib.utk.edu
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Date: Wed, 5 May 1993 16:55:29 EDT
From: Karsten Davis <DAVISKL@VTVM2.BITNET>
Subject: Branch Davidians
Q. How many Branch Davidians can fit into a Cadillac?
A. Three in the front seat, three in the back seat, and 44 in the ashtray.
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Date: Wed, 5 May 1993 16:49:27 CDT
From: bkr@BEEKER.PPCO.COM
Subject: More Branch Davidians...
Q: How do you pick up a Branch Dividian Woman?
A: With a dustbuster
Q: Did you hear who quit smoking last week?
A: David Koresh
Q: Did you hear Jeffery Domer escaped?
A: He was last seen heading to Waco with a bottle of Bar-B-Q sauce.
Totally unrelated....
Q: Did you here there is a new Rodney King hotline?
A: 1-800-421-####
BK Rogers Phillips Petroleum Company
(918) 661-1986 Bartlesville, OK 74004
Internet bkr@ppco.com Compuserv 75140,2366
Another fine product from Gizmonic....
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Date: Wed, 5 May 1993 20:37:42 EST
From: Herman Archie <HERMAN@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: JOKING IN THE '90 's.
What is the difference between an alcoholic & a drunk?
An alcoholic has to go to those damn meetings.
What is the difference between a cat and a frog?
The cat has only 9 lives; a frog croaks every minute.
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