Digest for Tuesday, June 01, 1993
There are 55 messages totalling 2277 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- RUMCAKE RECIPE (RATED G)
- dirty joke!!
- cute t-shirt
- rated G jokes
- Some T-Shirts
- Top 10 Reasons Ted Kennedy Keeps Getting Re-elected (fwd)
- JOKE-R For Language
- Another workplace motto (fwd)
- Political Correctness
- Love, marriage, family (clean)
- Political Correctness
- Life 1.E A collection of clean humor gather eight years ago, big
- postage humor (G)
- No subject given
- STAR DREK (Star Trek Parody - PG-13/R)(Lengthy)
- Tony Bennett, where are you?
- Dangerfield humor
- Questions
- Mail Humor (G)
- JOKES
- politics & horses...
- Nude bible program pulled of the air (fwd)
- politics(supposed to be "horses" earlier...
- Sick--R-rated
- one line
- Humor in zoology class (x-rated); Penile humor
- CondDundrums
- non crude sexual content
- rated g jokes
- An amusing poem
- PG-13
- Star Trek joke
- PG-13 Religion and silly sickness
- Life 1.F A collection of clean humor gather eight years ago, big
- Dangerfield humor
- GABOR
- A TV in everyroom.(pg-13)
- IN MEMORY of JFK.
- Thanks for not smoking!
- Hilary
- Academic pay dispute
- GNU HISSED TREE" (PG-13)
- Divorce joke - Sexual content
- Texan/Israeli joke (innocuous)
- Re: Life 1.F A collection of clean humor gather eight years ago, big
- The DEVILs dictionary
- No Smoking Sign
- Joke (fwd)
- HUMOR has 800+ SUBers
- Mathematician joke
- The DEVILs dictionary
- Ethnic jokes
- New political bumpersticker
- Golf Jokes..
- WHAT TO DO TO FAIL A TEST--LONG BUT FUNNY!
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Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 08:28:39 CST
From: Cindy K. Bannister <csvcks@ADMIN.AC.EDU>
Subject: RUMCAKE RECIPE (RATED G)
THIS WAS SENT IN BY MY COWORKER, JENNA THOMAS:
----- Forwarded message begins here -----
So many people have expressed an interest in seeing the Rumcake
Recipe *hic* that I errrr aahhhh Decided! <*thats* the wrod> to
put it on paper....
Many thanks to the people who sent me copies. It was a veryrrryyyrry
good *hic* recccccpie ahhhhh ya know what I mean *hic*
<wicked grin>
Now where did I put that pen?.... I know its shumwhare.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
*Best ever Rum cake*
1 teaspoon sugar 2 bottles rum
1 cup dried mixed fruit 2 cups brown sugar
1 teaspoon soda 1 cup butter
2 large eggs 1/2 cup baking powder
1 ounce lemon juice 1/2 pound mixed nuts
Before starting, sample the rum to check quality. It should be smooth
and not at all harsh to the palate. Then proceed.
Select large mixing bowl. Check rum again. It must be just right.
To be sure rum is of proper quality, pour level cup of rum into a
glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat.
With electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again.
Meanwhile, make sure rum is still OK right. Try another cup. Open
second bottle, if necessary.
Add eggs, 2 cubs fried druit and beat tll high. If druit gets stuck
in beeters, pry loose with drewscriber.
Sample rum again.
Next sift 3 cups pepper or salt, really doesn't matter. Sample
rum. Sift 1/2 pint lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and
strained nuts. Add a bablespoon of brown thugar or whatever color
you can find. Wix mel.
Greese oven. Turn cake pan to 350 degrees. Pour mess into boven
and ake. Check rum and go to bed.
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Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 14:30:52 MET-1
From: Attila Farago <FARAGO@TTK.JPTE.HU>
Subject: dirty joke!!
Q: How to make a nun to be pregnant?
A: Fuck her!!
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Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 09:52:04 EDT
From: Marty <MEARLE@UGA.BITNET>
Subject: cute t-shirt
Here's one I saw on a t-shirt recently:
(Picture a frazzled-looking woman, staring dejectedly at a scrumptious piece
of cake)
"Stressed??! Honey, I KNOW stressed. It's "desserts" spelled backwards."
Marty
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Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 10:01:40 EST
From: Dani Mudge <DANI@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: rated G jokes
G. When will water stop running downhill??
A. When it reaches the bottom.
Q. What animal keeps the best time ??
A. A watchdog.
------------------------------------------------------------------ END
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Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 09:09:00 PDT
From: Briggs, Vickie <VBriggs@UNEX.UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Some T-Shirts
A man is like a blizzard, you never know how long it is going to last or how
many inches you are going to get.
Life is like a shit sandwich, the more bread you have, the less shit you
gotta eat.
So many men... so little time
Please don't remove this t-shirt, it is holding up my boobs
I'm with stupid
Stupid
My friend went to Las Vegas and all they brought me back was this lousy
t-shirt
Property of Alcatraz...unlisted number
This space for rent.
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Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 13:31:00 -0300
From: Amy Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject: Top 10 Reasons Ted Kennedy Keeps Getting Re-elected (fwd)
---------- Forwarded message ----------
TOP TEN REASONS TED KENNEDY KEEPS GETTING REELECTED
10. It gets him out of the state
9. Yearly Al-anon voter registration drive
8. Nothing rhymes with "Chapaquidic" for witty opposition posters.
7. His struggle for truth, justice, and the american way.
6. Fame gained in first runner-up finish in Star-Search spokes
model comp.
5. It's it, and that's that.
4. Voters told "Ted" is short for Jack.
3. Who else can bring in the fabulous babes?
2. Adds comic relief to the ethics committee.
1. He's squeezably soft.
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Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 13:22:23 -0600
From: Jill Harlow <J_HARLOW@OJC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject: JOKE-R For Language
A guy walks into a grocery store and asks the clerk, "Can I have a packet of
broccoli please?" "I'm sorry sir, we're fresh out of broccoli," replies the
clerk. The customer leaves and comes back 20 minutes later and asks the same
thing. The clerk is polite and simply repeats what he said earlier. The
customer again leaves and comes back 20 minutes later still asking for
broccoli. The grocery clerk is getting pretty pissed and says "Look, I've
already told you twice. We have no broccoli left!" The guy leaves but in 10
minutes he's back. The grocer says "OK, spell cat as in Catastrope." The guy
spells "C-A-T" The grocer says "Spell dog as in dogmatic." The guy does.
The
grocer says "Spell fuck as in broccoli." The customer just looks at him and
says "There's no fuck in broccoli." The grocer smiles and says "That's exactly
what I've been telling you for the past hour."
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Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 16:01:48 -0300
From: Amy Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject: Another workplace motto (fwd)
THE END OF THE DAY
All deadlines met;
All bosses pleased;
All important decisions made;
Temperature set at 0 deg C in hell.
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Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 15:49:33 -0500
From: Scott Guthery <guthery@AUSTIN.SLCS.SLB.COM>
Subject: Political Correctness
I'm not politically incorrect ... please ... I'm euphemistically challenged.
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Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 16:53:50 EST
From: Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Love, marriage, family (clean)
Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the
real with the ideal never goes unpunished.
One thing you can say for most of those TV families: They're
stupid enough to sit around watching TV all night. (And the
characters that do watch TV are the stupid characters).
What's a rich wife's favorite thing to make for dinner?
Reservations.
Never fall in love with a tennis player. To him "love" means
"nothing."
Everybody has to get married sometime--you can't go through
life just being happy.
A guy is never happy until a girl comes along and makes him
miserable.
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Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 16:18:21 -0600
From: Les Pourciau at Memphis State <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU>
Subject: Political Correctness
I'm vertically, calorically, and aesthetically challenged. Put differently,
I'm short, fat, and ugly and my name isn't even Dangerfield!
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Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 15:57:11 PDT
From: cate3.osbu_north@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life 1.E A collection of clean humor gather eight years ago, big
******************************************************************
*************
Quotes from Will Rogers:
Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two
things we have.
Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was
the closest our country has ever been to being even.
Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any
more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't
know much.
There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and
family. But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too,
the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is
live as cheap as the people.
Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game - it, and high taxes.
If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year
with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.
I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope
they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em.
The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than
golf has.
On account of us being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only
nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
what it does.
Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't
they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning
anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five
years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.
People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible.
Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches.
I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neigbors to
the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about
us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at
heart.
I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to
run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better
husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em.
What's the matter with the world? Why, there ain't but one thing wrong
with every one of us - and that's "selfishness."
Why don't somebody print the truth about our present economic condition?
We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether
we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, howling like a
pet coon. This would be a great world to dance in of we didn't have to
pay the fiddler.
-----
>From an article in Reader's Digest (date unknown)
RD acknowledgment: condensed from "The Best of Will Rogers", compiled by
Bryan B. Sterling
******************************************************************
*************
"Manners everywhere require understanding something about the host nation's
customs. When in doubt, the safest rule is to follow your host's lead. But
sometimes following the host's lead can get you in trouble.
"President Grover Cleveland, presiding over a formal dinner party, once added
sugar and cream to his coffee, stirred it, and then poured it into his saucer.
Anxious to please, his guests followed suit but were at a loss when the
president leaned down and put the saucer on the floor for his dog. Sometimes,
however, an extremely gracious host or hostess will go out of the way to make
sure a guest is not embarrassed by a breach of etiquette. Queen Victoria once
downed the contents of her finger bowl because she didn't want to embarrass
the Shah of Persia, who had done so first."
---Harvard Business Review, ppg. 47-48, in a review of two
recent books on the subject of manners in business.
******************************************************************
*************
R U S H J O B S C A L E N D A R
----------------------------------------------------------------------
| M I R | F R I | F R I | F R I | T H U | W E D | T U E |
----------------------------------------------------------------------
| 8 | 7 | 6 | 5 | 4 | 3 | 2 |
----------------------------------------------------------------------
| 15 | 14 | 13 | 12 | 11 | 10 | 9 |
----------------------------------------------------------------------
| 22 | 21 | 20 | 19 | 18 | 17 | 16 |
----------------------------------------------------------------------
| 29 | 28 | 27 | 26 | 25 | 24 | 23 |
----------------------------------------------------------------------
| 36 | 35 | 34 | 33 | 32 | 31 | 30 |
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Notes:
1. This is a special calendar which has been developed for handling rush
jobs. All rush jobs are wanted yesterday, consequently all dates run
backwards - with this calendar, a client can order their work on the 7th
and have it delivered on the 3rd.
2. Everyone wants his job done by Friday, so there are three Fridays in
every week.
3. There are five new days at the end of the month for those "end-of-the-month"
rush jobs.
4. There is no 1st of the month - so there can not be late delivery of
"end-of-the-month" rush jobs.
5. No one likes Mondays, so these have been eliminated.
6. There are no Saturdays or Sundays, so overtime rates can be kept
to a minimum.
7. There is a special day each week, Mirday, for the performance
of miracles.
******************************************************************
*************
< The electronic funds transfer is in the electronic mail. . . . >
All supervision:
It has been observed that many project personnel have been dying on
company premisis for no apparent reason. Furthermore, some personnel
are refusing to fall over after they are dead. This, in some cases, has
resulted in unauthorized overtime charges.
Effective *immediately*, this practice must be discontinued.
As of September 12, 1986, each supervisor must check with each member of
his or her group daily. If the person is found sitting up after he or
she has died, he or she will be dropped from the payroll at once,
without further investigation, as per Regulation 110, Section D of the
GEIs (Non-Productive Labor).
When it can be proved that the employee is being held up by a desk,
telephone, terminal, personal computer, or any other visible means of
support, which is the property of the company, a ninety day grace period
will be granted. In this case, the following procedures will be
strictly adhered to.
If, after several hours, it is noted that the employee has not moved or
opened at least one eye, a Department Head or Division Manager will
investigate. Because of the highly sensitive nature of some employees
and the close resemblance between death and their normal working
attitude, the investigation will be made quietly, to avoid waking the
employee if he or she is asleep (which is permitted under existing work
loads.) If some doubt exists as to the true condition of the employee,
the appropriate Director will be notified and a paycheck presented as
the final test. If the employee fails to reach for the check, it is
reasonable to assume that death has occurred.
Note: in some cases the instinct is so strongly developed that a
spasmodic clutching reflex may occur. Do *not* be misled by this
manifestation!
In the event that an employee fails to abandon whatever they appear to
be doing at coffee time, no investigation is necessary, as this is
conclusive proof that rigor mortis has already set in.
******************************************************************
*************
Subject: Managers vs. Leaders
"A manager does the thing right. A leader does the right thing."
-- Anonymous (the great Greek philosopher)
******************************************************************
*************
A British customs agent tells the story of an arriving traveler came up
to his counter one day and the agent asked him, "How long do you plan to stay
in the United Kingdom?" "Three days", he replied. "And what will be doing
here?",
the agent continued. The man said, "I want to overthrow the government." The
customs agent said, "Oh, you'll need at least a week for that!", gave him a
one week visa and let him in.
******************************************************************
*************
Found in Rank Xerox's 1985 book 'Networking in Organisations'......
"One day, three businessmen found themselves deep in the jungle, the only
survivors of a plane crash. The cannibals surrounding them granted them
each one last request before turning them into 'steak au poivre'.
The first businessman, a Frenchman, and hence a keen student of flora and
fauna,
desired to look upon the most beautiful woman in the tribe. His request was
granted. The second, a Japanese, and an earnest individual, declared his wish
to give one last address on the subject of Japanese business methods,
whereupon the third, an American, pleaded in an agonised voice for the tribe
to eat him first. He could not stand yet another lecture on Japan!"
******************************************************************
*************
After Mohammid Ali was done with his boxing career he went into
business.
For awhile he was setting up business deals where because of who he was he
could get people together. Eventually he joined a company which was being
investigated by the Federal government in the area of their purchases.
Mohammid took over the purchasing department and started cleaning things up.
The investigation stopped for now the company had good Ali buys.
******************************************************************
*************
From today's Wall Street Journal-- "Liggett & Meyers Tobacco Co. warned its
employees in a newsletter that they're working with a potentially hazardous
substance--sugar. Large quantities have been known to explode, the company
says."
******************************************************************
*************
In case you're considering a personalized license plate, the Auto Club keeps
a list of all personalized plates in California (the list we looked at was
dated June 86). At the office where we went, you could reserve and apply
for the plate of your choice on the spot.
Trivia:
there are roughly 1.4 million plates in the list. that's why
you see plates like "NANCY29" on the road.
over 2,000 of them start with "ski."
there were at least 25 variations on my friend's idea, "quicksilver,"
not counting all the ones with digits tacked on.
"0" and "O" are now identical characters.
you're allowed 1 half-space in addition to your 7 chars. Two
different plates must differ in more than just the half-space,
of course.
******************************************************************
*************
"If you steal ideas from one source, that's plagerism, but if you steal ideas
from more than one source, that's research." -- Laurendo Almeida, Brazilian
guitarist, talking at a recent concert before playing a medley of pieces by
various composers.
----------------------------------------------------------------
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Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 17:46:15 -0500
From: Brad Pardee <bradp@UNLLIB.UNL.EDU>
Subject: postage humor (G)
If what the post office normally delivers is "mail", then does that mean
that when letters come postage due, they are "fee mail"?
========
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Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 16:35:24 EDT
From: Gess Shankar <gess@KNEX.VIA.MIND.ORG>
Subject: No subject given
Thomas Hegarty <emory!CFRVM.CFR.USF.EDU!THEGARTY> writes:
> Does any one have a good job that could be used to break the ice at an
> international relations meeting?
> Tom Hegarty, Tampa
How about the job of a terrorist ? Not only can they break things, they
can kill people too. :-)
Sorry, could not resist. :(
GeSS
--
Gess Shankar |<><>|Internet: gess@knex.via.mind.ORG |<><>|
Knowledge Exchange|<><>|{rutgers,ogicse,gatech}!emory!uumind!knex!gess
|<><>|
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Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1993 16:11:21 GMT
From: ken weir <weir@BITBOA.MEDNET.AF.MIL>
Subject: STAR DREK (Star Trek Parody - PG-13/R)(Lengthy)
The following parody is (c)Jay Badenhoop, 1993, except for the quote from
Tim Lynch, and can be reproduced (without said quote) with permission from
the author.
At a story conference/three-martini lunch far, far away...
(Berman: Hey, Mikey, let's create a new Star Trek series!)
(Piller: Good idea. What shall we call it?)
(Berman: I dunno. How about...)
STAR DREK: DEEPSTAR SIX
(Piller: Already been done. What about...)
STAR DREK: BABYLON FIVE
(Berman: If we use that one, Straczinski will sue.)
STAR DREK: DEEP THROAT NINE
(Piller: Too naughty for primetime, though not too naughty for me,
I can tell you.)
STAR DREK: DEEP THOUGHT NINE
(Berman: The adventures of the universe's smartest computer...
nah, too nerdy)
STAR DREK: DEEP FRY NINE
(Filler: A Ferengi named Quark opens a fast food joint on a space station...
nah, already been done as a sitcom with Vic Tayback as Daimon Mel)
STAR DREK: DEEP FACE NINE
(Berman: A Cruddassian space station is taken over by Avon cosmetics.
nah, wasn't that done on "Blake's 7"?)
STAR DREK: ENEMY SPACE MINE
(Piller: Well, the makeup we use looks like what Louis Gossett wore...)
STAR DREK: CRAWLSPACE NINE
(Berman: O'Brien's adventures trying to repair the @%&*#! replicators to give
the captain a cup of coffee... hmmm, maybe we can make an episode out of it)
(Filler: I know! Let's name it according to how we treat things
we don't like in the scripts...)
(Great idea, Mr. Piller.)
(Agreed, Mr. Berman.)
(Good night, Mr. Piller.)
(Good night, Mr. Berman.)
(Good night, John-boy.)
(Who said that?)
Presenting the new series...
STAR DREK: BACKSPACE NINE
by Jay Badenhoop
"Space...the final frontier. Only way out on the edge of it.
[These are the voyages of the Space Station Backspace 9, which,] when
operating within safety parameters, shouldn't go too fast.
It's continuing mission: To be able to make a decent cup of coffee
without a systems failure; to wait for New Life(TM) and New Civilizations(TM)
to come by and try to stake claim to the quadrant;
to boldly stay... right here." -- Tim Lynch
FAX
Chief O'Clock has taken his wife Kinko to visit her mother, Xerox, on
Earth, so everyone on the station is afraid to breathe for fear of something
breaking down. Science specialist Justanother Fax is babbling jargon about
some repairs that have to be done. Dr. Julien Fries Basher tries to hit on
her several times, asking what her sign is, telling her what lovely
Tenctonese spots she has, etc. until he realizes that she is continuing to
ignore him and talk, but her lips aren't moving. He wonders for several
minutes how this can be until the batteries in the recorder planted inside
her begin to run down. She says she has to go back to her quarters now.
Basher places her on a small wheeled cart and pushes it along, still trying
to ask her out. On the way back, several men in overalls labelled "Grace
Brothers Department Store" attack them. Basher puffs up his chest and says,
"I'll save you. This is a job for BASHERMAN..." allowing plenty of time for
one of the men to sneak up behind him and promptly knock him out, while Fax
is grabbed and carried off.
Commander Benjamin Crisco is in Oops when Basher feebly reports what
happened. He and Dodo, the shape-shifting security officer, try to cut off
the kidnappers by closing the security doors using a complex series of
computer codes, but the Grace Brothers men have read "The Criminal's
Complete
Guide to Backspace Nine Security" ($199.99 at Creation Cons everywhere) and
have disabled all the locks with a skeleton key. Crisco pulls in their
Harley-Davidson Walkabout with a tractor beam. The leader turns out to be
Layon Tundra of Claystorm 4. (This is obvious from the amount of clay stuck
on the sides of his head.) He charges Fax with the murder of his father,
General Grassi Tundra.
Fax is a Thrill, a species that is half human, half Blob. The Blob lives
inside the human roast's body, and when things get too hot to handle, Mr.
Blob moves to another roast. Captain Crisco is very upset, since even though
Justanother Fax is a 28-year-old woman, he knew Fax the Blob when he was
just
a small answering machine implanted in a roast named Cursalot Fax. Cursalot
and Crisco used to go out drinking and picking up women together. Cursalot
used to page him at bars as "Ben Dover Crisco" and tick off the bartenders.
Cursalot could be a bit rude -- "Nudge, nudge, say no more!" -- but he was
never a murderer. Crisco tries to get Fax to tell him what happened, but Fax
just sits there. Layon Tundra is anxious to expedite Fax, but Crisco is
anxious to stop him and save his officer. Of course, Bojangle Major Klira Sill
is anxious to stop him because of her constant state of PMS. Dodo blackmails
Qork the Ferarri into allowing a Bojangle expedition hearing to be held in
his Bar and Grill by reminding him about the Bojangle women's fondness for
cement galoshes.
The hearing is held, presided over by a very grouchy woman, The Grand
Arbitrary. Justanother Fax is wheeled in on her cart. The Arbitrary looks
sternly at both Tundra and Crisco. "I want you to state your case as quickly
as possible so I can have my tea. Now, this is to determine whether
Justanother Fax should be expedited for trial for murder or reassembled into
a blender. I know you both are pompous blowhard gits, and I won't take any
guff from either of you. And if anyone says `Just the Fax, ma'am.', I'll
have your remarks cut off and distributed to the poor." "Are you sure she's
unbiased?" asks Crisco. "Oh, yes," replies Major Klira, "she's equally
unfair to both sides." Tundra says that even though Fax is now in a
different roast than when the murder was committed, a Thrill is really a Blob
inside pulling little levers and turning knobs to make the roast move, and
thus Fax was in control when the murder was committed. Crisco cites that
scripts from "The Next Degeneration" cannot be called into evidence since
this is a different TV show, and the producers have decided it's more
convenient for the script that it takes both a willing roast and a Blob to
give a Thrill.
Meanwhile, Dodo has gone to talk to General Tundra's widow, Aneater
Tundra. She says Grassi and Cursalot Fax were friends. But Dodo finds that
a message was sent to General Tundra's men including a garbled bit about him
being a traitor, after which they all set upon him like dogs. The only one
who could have sent the message was Cursalot Fax, because only he had access
to a modem.
Layon Tundra brings as a witness Minister of Thrills Salami Pierce. He
says he can remember every experience he ever had as a Thrill, then drifts
off with a smile on his face. After being brought back to reality, Crisco
asks him if each new roast brings with it a new flavor, and thus a new
personality. Each Thrill is a different person, oo-err! The Arbitrary
suggests taking the roast out of the oven, thus separating the symbuick from
the roast. Dr. Basher points out that this would kill the Thrill. Though
the symbuick and the roast have separate brains, they are biologically
connected, like a jogger to his Walkman. Dodo calls Crisco with findings
that Aneater Tundra and Fax called each other frequently while the General
was away. Crisco tries to convince Fax to testify and defend herself. She
replies, "I'm sorry, but I am not available at the moment, so please leave a
message at the beep. BEEP!" Crisco gets so angry that she is ignoring him
that he hits the wall and breaks several glass objects, setting off an alarm
in Counselor Dinner Tray's office back on the Enterprise normally activated
only when a Klingon breaks a glass table. Crisco examines Justanother Fax
carefully and finally realizes that she is really a store mannequin with a
tape recorder up her nose.
Back at the hearing, Fax is just about to be judged quilty when Aneater
Tundra comes in and announces that in fact, the message was sent by her. It
wasn't that Fax was a TRAITOR, the message was to tell her husband that she
and Fax had expanded their secret office equipment supply corporation to
include a line of kitchen appliances. She was trying to tell her husband
that they had made twelve billion credits selling a new electric cheese
GRATER. If this ludicrous mistake had been revealed at that crucial time,
the General's reputation would have been ruined forever, so she kept quiet
and let the people think he was a hero. Aneater suggests to Fax that if
she/he/it ever wanted to "run the blender" again, to look her up. Crisco
wonders if, now that Fax has a new roast, if the Thrill will ever be the same
again...
========
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Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1993 09:32:02 EDT
From: Betty Braaksma <BRAAKSMA@VM2.YORKU.CA>
Subject: Tony Bennett, where are you?
Twin brothers, Stanley and Steven Frank, were killed simultaneously in a
tragic auto accident. The next thing they know they're standing in front of
St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Pete runs their names through his database
and Steven comes up clean and is allowed to pass through the gates. Stanley's
name, on the other hand, is flagged and St. Pete doesn't allow him into heaven.
The brothers are very upset about this, having been close buddies and
inseperable all their lives. After much wailing and knashing of teeth, St. Pete
agrees to a review of Stanley's case, but in the meantime the brothers must
go to their assigned places.
A couple weeks later, Steven asks for, and receives, permission to visit his
brother. As a rookie angel, he's only allowed a 24-hour pass and is told that
if he misses the deadline, he's blown it and has to stay in Hell. He also has
to sign for all of his angelic supplies (wings, halo, etc) before he leaves.
After all the red tape is handled, Steven flies off to see his brother. When he
gets to Hell, he is astonished to see that Stanley is having a wonderful time.
In fact, he's opened a disco, which is the hottest dance joint in the place.
Steven has a great time, drinking, dancing, partying and just about misses his
deadline. He scrambles hastily out of Stan's, and flies back through the pearly
gates with barely a minute to spare. He heads back to the office to hand in his
pass and complete his equipment checklist. The secretary is grumpy, but things
are going Ok until she comes to Steven's harp. Frantically Steven looks
around, but he can't find it anywhere. Suddenly it hits him. "Oh no!" he cries,
"I left my harp in Stan Frank's Disco!"
Betty Braaksma
York University
(I should give credit where credit is due: this and my other postings are
courtesy of Prof. H.L. Robinson. He's got a million of 'em, folks!)
========
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Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1993 12:49:04 EST
From: Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Dangerfield humor <he's so ugly>
"I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a
window on the tenth floor, so they sent a priest up to talk
to me. He said, 'On your mark.'"
"On Halloween the parents send their kids out looking like
me. Last year one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's
different, when I answer the door the kids hand me candy."
"When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a
picture of me."
"I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a
library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face."
========
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Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1993 18:56:34 BST
From: Joe Clark <smooth@BIOCH.OX.AC.UK>
Subject: Questions
If basket ball was never invented, where would they hold all the high
school dances?
========
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Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1993 08:23:00 PDT
From: TORRANCE Pat <ptorrance@SHL.COM>
Subject: Mail Humor (G)
Is the term "mailman" redundant?
ptorrance@shl.com
========
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Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1993 14:06:39 EST
From: Herman Archie <HERMAN@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: JOKES
Why is an author more than a king?
He may choose his own subjects.
What is the favorite word with a woman?
The last one.
========
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Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1993 14:25:37 EDT
From: Marty <MEARLE@UGA.BITNET>
Subject: politics & horses...
A horse walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and orders a martini.
The bartender mixes the drink and hands it to the horse. The horse hands the
bartender a 20 dollar bill, and the bartender gives the horse 5 dollars in
change. The horse stands there, sipping the drink, while the bartender wipes
the counter. After a few minutes, the bartender says, "We don't get many
horses in here." The horse replies, "At 15 dollars a martini, I'm not
surprised."
========
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Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1993 16:27:44 -0300
From: Amy Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject: Nude bible program pulled of the air (fwd)
OLYMPIA, Wash. (UPI) -- A television program featuring nude bible
readings was yanked off the air by Thurston County's public access
television channel this week, but not because of the program's
controversial content. Olympia police asked for a temporary suspension
after the program's producer received a death threat.
Self-styled preacher Jake Drake disagreed with the cancellation of
his bible readings in the buff and says he's ``prepared to die at any
second'' for his beliefs.
Drake's half-hour programs include full frontal nudity as he sits in
a chair and reads passages of scripture. The program does not violate
city laws against pornography, according to the director of the public
access T-V channel.
The FBI is assisting Olympia police in the investigation of the
assassination and bomb threat against preacher Drake.
========
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Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1993 16:56:03 EDT
From: Marty <MEARLE@UGA.BITNET>
Subject: politics(supposed to be "horses" earlier...
I forgot to include this one with my "a horse walked into a bar..." joke.
Clinton and Gore went to a baseball game at Atlanta Braves Stadium. As they
were sitting up in the stands, Gore leaned over and whispered something into
Clinton's ear. Clinton perked up and said, "Oh really!? Okay!!" Suddenly
he reached over, picked up Hilary, and HEAVED her out onto the field! Gore
yelled at him, "NO!! I said PITCH!! The first PITCH!"
========
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Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1993 23:22:12 +0200
From: Matthew James Ellis <matthew@CORAL.CSB.KI.SE>
Subject: Sick--R-rated
Two guys are at a rodeo...and notice the number of riders that are
getting thrown off by a certain horse called "lucky strike"
Later it comes over the tannoy that there is a major prize for
anyone with the ability to ride the horse for more than 60 seconds.
One of the guys decides to have a go. They release him from the
pen upon the horse a short while later and he manages to remain on the
horse untill it collapses from exhaustion.
Upon returning to his friend with the prize. His friend exclaims
"how the hell did you manage that?"
To which his reply is, "My wife is an eppilectic.."
MATT
"Well I thought it was funny, anyway.."
========
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Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1993 08:11:16 BST
From: Joe Clark <smooth@BIOCH.OX.AC.UK>
Subject: one line
absence makes the heart grow fungus
========
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Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1993 14:04:05 LCL
From: Randy Randall <RANDALL@WWG3.UOVS.AC.ZA>
Subject: Humor in zoology class (x-rated); Penile humor
A true story !!
In the zoology class there is a lecturer who is quite perverted.
There is also a poor girl who doesn't like his perverted jokes.
One day he says in the class, "I believe in Nigeria, the average man
has a penis that is 30cm long"
The girl, who had enough of these jokes, got up from her seat and
stormed out of the lecture hall.
While she was making her way out, the lecturer retorted:
"Lady, don't be in such a rush. The next flight to Nigeria is only
tomorrow at Three p.m."
Talking about penisses,
There was once a guy who had a girl with the name of Wendy. He was so
in love with her that he had her name tattooed on his penis. When he
had an erection, it would show the entire name. However when it was
soft (i.e. unerected), it would just show the first and last letters
namely "WY".
He then hears that in New York the guys have really long penisses.
One day he is busy urinating at a public convenience when he sees the
guy next door to him with a "WY" tattooed on his penis.
He asks the guy if the guy's girlfriend's name is also Wendy.
"No", the guy replies. What this is short for is:
"Welcome to New York, have a nice day"
******************************************************************
****
* Randall van der Heyde * Internet: *
* * Randall@wwg3.uovs.ac.za *
* University Residence: *******************************
* * Home Address: *
* Huis Olienhout * *
* University of the Orange Free State * 5 Emerald Street *
* Bloemfontein * Gemdene *
* 9301 * 8301 Kimberley *
******************************************************************
****
* Tel. (051) 475-150 * Tel. (0531) 42610 *
******************************************************************
****
* *
* Republic of South Africa *
* *
******************************************************************
****
========
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Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1993 09:55:32 EST
From: Herman Archie <HERMAN@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: CondDundrums
Why does a trian never sit down?
Because it has a tender behind.
Why isn,t your nose 12 inches?
Because it would be a foot.
========
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Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1993 09:29:23 CDT
From: Martin Ignazito <AXC1525@UICVMC.BITNET>
Subject: non crude sexual content
A doctors office receives a call from a man who says he needs to speak
to the doctor. The man then says: "Doctor, I have a problem with my
sexual functionality." "What is the nature of your problem?" asks the
doctor. "It's very difficult to describe" says the man "perhaps we
could come to your office and perform while you observe." The doctor
thought that this was a bit out of the ordinary, but he consented to see
the couple and made an appointment. After the couple performed and got
dressed, the doctor said "I can't seem to see anything wrong with what
you are doing. I don't have anything to recommend." "Perhaps we should
come back again" said the man. Another appointment was made for the next
week and the couple left. After several visits to the doctor, the doctor
finally takes the man aside and says, "Look, I can't really do anything
for you and your wife. I can't seem to find anything wrong. You and your
wife will have to consult a sex therapist or something like that." "That's
not my wife" says the man "she's my girlfriend". "Your girlfriend" gasped
the doctor "why on earth have you been coming to me?" "Well" replied the
man "the Holiday Inn charges $60, you only charge $35 and I get $27 back
from Blue Cross."
(Bitnet) axc1525@uicvmc.bitnet (Internet) m-ignazito@uiuc.edu
Fax 217-333-4294 Home 217-348-1525 Office 217-244-7784
========
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Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1993 12:33:15 EST
From: Dani Mudge <DANI@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: rated g jokes
Q. What run btu but never moves?
A. a clock
Q. What is the do>[Difference between a hill and a pill ?
A. One is hard to get up and the other is hard toi get down.
Q. What animal keeps the best time?
A, A watch dog.
========
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Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1993 11:34:00 PDT
From: Briggs, Vickie <VBriggs@UNEX.UCLA.EDU>
Subject: An amusing poem
The birds may kiss the bees goodbye,
The buttercup... the butterfly.
The morning dew may kiss the grass,
And you my friend, may kiss my ass.
========
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Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1993 13:21:26 -0600
From: Jill Harlow <J_HARLOW@OJC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject: PG-13
> So theres this guy, and he weighs about 600 lbs, and he decides that he'd
>better lose all this weight for health purposes, self esteem, etc.. SO he
>goes on this incredible diet which lets him lose about 400 lbs of weight
>so that he's down to a mere 200 or so. The only problem with this is that
>now he has all this loose skin bunched up everywhere, so he calls his doctor
>on the phone and says "Oh my god..what the *&%$ am i gonna do with all
this
>skin!?"
> And the doctor says "Well...come on down to the office and I'll have a look
>at you."
> And the guy says "Umm...doc...I dont think theres any way I want to be
>seen in public with all this skin hanging offa me like dis"
> The the doc says "Ok..I've got it..why dont you gather up all your skin
>and pull it all up and tuck it up under your hat or something."
> The guy agrees to this li'l scheme and pulls all his skin up..like a
>face lift only it's a body-skin lift..and he tucks all the excess skin
>under his hat, and goes to the doctors office.
> He gets to the doctors office and the receptionist looks at him and
>yells "OH MY GOD WHATS THAT HOLE IN YOUR FOREHEAD!?!?"
> And the guy says "Thats my BELLY-BUTTON!!.................
> > ......Howdya like my NECK-TIE!?!?!"
>
>---------------------
>
>Think about it...
>
========
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Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1993 16:23:16 GMT
From: Rick Diamant <UMCCFGW.DIAMAR@SSGATE.MISSOURI.EDU>
Subject: Star Trek joke
I just got this off the STREK-L list:
Where do Trekkies go to work out?
At the He's Dead Gym.
========
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Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1993 19:37:48 EDT
From: Tom Murray <F144@FERRIS.BITNET>
Subject: PG-13 Religion and silly sickness
For those of you who haven't gone to church lately:
Q: What kind of fun does a monk have?
A: Nun.
One day Mother Superior and her three best nuns were riding their
bicycles down the street. Everytime they hit a bump the three in back
started to giggle. After about three miles of this nonsense and twelve
bumps later the Mother Superior stated, "listen, if you girls don't
this funny business right now I will be forced to put the seats back on
your bikes!"
Here's a joke I heard when I lived in England YEARS! ago!
Three monks were on a raft fishing one day. The firstmonk's
rod takes a nose dive into the water. Suspecting a fish on the
end he reels up his line. Low and behold there is a fish on the end.
He's just about to grab it and it falls off the line. He yells, "God
damn it!" A bolt of lightning comes down from heaven and he's in a
pile of ashes.
The other two look on most astonished.
The second monk's pole goes down. He reels up the line. He's just
about to catch the fish on the end and it falls off the line. He yells,
"God damn it!!" A bolt of lightning comes down from heaven and he's in
a pile of ashes.
The final monk looks on most depressed.
Of course, this monks pole jumps and heads for the water.
He reels up the line and there's a fish on the end of it. He's just
about to catch it and it falls off the line. He yells, "God damn it!!!"
A bolt of lightning comes down from heaven, splits the raft in two and
a voice from heaven says, "God damn it!!!!"
It's a clean joke but a cute one.
And now for something completely different, the silly sick one:
Q: How does a mathematician take care of constipation?
A: With a pencil, of course.
Remember, I prefer 77, that way I get eight (ate) more.
Tom Murray ==> F144@Ferris.Bitnet
Where all we do is go to school and read our mail.
========
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Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1993 18:09:12 PDT
From: cate3.osbu_north@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life 1.F A collection of clean humor gather eight years ago, big
******************************************************************
*************
< The electronic funds transfer is in the electronic mail. . . . >
A hindu, a rabbi, and a lawyer are traveling together and need to stop for the
night. So they stop at the next farmhouse, and find lodging, with the
qualification that the house is only big enough for two of them, and one will
have to sleep in the barn. So the hindu volunteers and goes out to sleep in
the barn while the lawyer and rabbi sleep in the house.
A few minutes later, however, the lawyer and rabbi hear a knock on the door,
and opening it, find the hindu who protests "There is a cow in the barn.
Surely you can't expect me to sleep with cattle." So the rabbi and the lawyer
agree that perhaps the rabbi should trade places with the hindu, and the rabbi
goes out.
Within a short time, the hindu and the lawyer are getting ready to go to sleep,
when again there is a knock on the door. Opening the door they find the rabbi
protesting, "There is a pig in the barn. Surely you can't expect me to sleep
with a pig!".
Weary of the whole problem by this time, the lawyer pulls the rabbi into the
house, grabs a blanket and heads for the barn. Almost immediately, there is a
third knocking at the door, and opening the door they find the pig and the cow.
"Surely you can't expect us to sleep with a lawyer."
******************************************************************
*************
Did you hear about the old guru who wouldn't allow the dentist to use any
anesthetic on him?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
PROVERB #1: It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak
up and remove all doubt.
PROVERB #2: Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a
picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move.
******************************************************************
*************
In the U.S.A. "Pass the honey, Honey".
In the U.K. "Pass the sugar, Sugar".
In Canada: "Pass the tea, bag".
******************************************************************
*************
A political activist named Dave was just arriving in Hell, and was told
he had a choice to make. He could go to Capitalist Hell or to Communist
Hell. Naturally, Dave wanted to compare the two, so he wandered over to
Capitalist Hell. There outside the door was Adam Smith, looking bored.
"What's it like in there?" asked Dave.
"Well," replied Adam, "In Capitalist Hell, they flay you alive, boil
you in oil, chain you to a rock and let a vulture tear your liver out,
and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."
"That's terrible!!" gasped Dave. "I'm going to check out Communist
Hell!" He went over to Communist Hell, where he discovered a huge line
of people waiting to get in; the line circled around the lobby seven
times before receding off into the horizon.
Dave pushed his way through to the head of the line, where he found
Karl Marx busily signing people in. Dave asked Karl what Communist Hell
was like.
"In Communist Hell," said Marx impatiently, "they flay you alive, boil
you in oil, chain you to a rock and let vultures tear out your liver,
and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."
"But ... but that's the same as Capitalist Hell!" protested Dave.
"True," sighed Marx, "but sometimes we don't have oil, sometimes we
don't have knives ..."
******************************************************************
*************
a particular policy matter among his staff ( I think something about fund
raising, etc...). Lincoln said that it reminded him of a drunkard that
stumbled into a church out West. The whole congregation watched as the man
made
his wy to the front of the church. The drunkard joined in the praying and
sing- ing, but when the preacher began the sermon, the drunkard fell dead
asleep.
During the sermon, the preacher yelled,"All those on the side of the Lord
stand up!" and the whole congregation stood up, with the exception of the
sleeping drunkard. The preacher continued, "All those on the side of the Devil
stand up!" The congregation sat down, but the drunkard startled heard the stand
up part and stood up.
"Preacher, I'm not sure I understood what you just said, but I want you to
know that I'm behind you on it, even though it sure looks as though we're in
the minority!"
******************************************************************
*************
Lawyer Jokes...courtesy of NOLO Press (Berkeley)
There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law.
No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth.
- Jean Giradoux
A small town that cannot support one lawyer can alwyas support two.
There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who
know the judge.
"I'll never discuss my lawyer's character in his absence, so let's
discuss his absence of character!
- Michael Lara
"There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his
income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as
'unearned income.'"
- ibid
Between grand theft and a legal fee,
there only stands a law degree.
******************************************************************
*************
A man is sitting at the beach apparently playing chess with a shaggy dog.
A spectator walks by, just as the dog pushes a piece. He stops out
of curiousity, and sure enough, the man moves a piece, and a little
while later the dog moves again. Fascinated, the spectator watches
several more moves, and finally bursts out, "This is amazing! Your
dog is playing chess." "It's not so amazing," the man replies,
"I can beat him two games out of three."
******************************************************************
*************
ANOTHER ONE:
A man goes to his doctor for a physical. A week later, the doctor
calls him with the results. "I've got some bad news and some very bad
news. First, the bad news. You have an incurable disease, and I estimate
you have 24 hours to live."
The patient replies, "My God, that's terrible! What could possibly
be worse?"
The doctor says, "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday!"
******************************************************************
*************
This IBM service rep, hardware engineer, and software
engineer were driving down the road one day and they had a flat. The
service rep wanted to replace the car, the hardware engineer thought
they could work around it, and the software engineer said 'maybe if
we ignore it, it'll go away'.
******************************************************************
*************
The new employee walks into the Boss's office and nervously tells the
Boss,
"I have some good news and bad news, Sir"
The Boss looks up and asks,
"What is the good news, Tom?"
"I promise such a thing will never happen again"
How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle...
... and one to change the bulb.
What lies at the bottom of the sea and whimpers?
A: A nervous wreck.
******************************************************************
*************
It seems that a young man who came from a wealthy family was going off to
college. Now Dad, who was no slouch, knew that the young rascal would
probably just use all his money to booze it up and go after the girls
(since this is what he himself had done). In order to prevent this, he
presented his son with a fur coat which contained nine million, nine
hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine hairs.
And he said to his son, he said "Son, I want you to have this
coat, and to take very good care of it, because it contains 9,999,999
hairs. If there are still 9,999,999 hairs when you graduate from school
in 4 years, I'll give you a million dollars and set you up in a job for
life." Well, the son thought this sounded pretty good, so he took his
Dad up on it. While he was a freshman, he counted the hairs twice a
semester: 9,999,999 hairs each time. Over the summer he counted them
again: 9,999,999 hairs. Sophomore year he counted those 9,999,999 hairs
every month, and every month there were 9,999,999 hairs. Junior year, he
was at it every week: 9,999,999 hairs. Week after week after week:
9,999,999 hairs. By senior year he was counting them every day:
9,999,999 hairs. Skipping classes for those 9,999,999 hairs. Well, by
the time graduation rolled around, he felt like he'd counted those
9,999,999 hairs about 9,999,999 times, but he kept right on counting.
As soon as he finished with those 9,999,999 hairs, he'd count them again:
9,999,999 hairs. On the night before graduation, he stayed up all night
counting: 9,999,999 hairs. Finally the big day arrived, and Dad came to
see junior. "Well, son, have you got those 9,999,999 hairs still
intact?" asked the old man. "Yes, Dad, all 9,999,999 hairs are there!"
So they started to count them together. And there were 9,999,998 hairs!
The son couldn't believe it. They counted again: 9,999,998 hairs. And
the son sat down and cried, his whole future shot (since he'd gotten
straight D's from all the classes he'd skipped). And as the son was
sitting there, a little moth flew out of the coat, the same moth who'd
eaten that 9,999,999th hair. And the moth felt so bad about what he'd done
that he started to cry too.
Have you ever seen a moth bawl?
******************************************************************
*************
Three guys went out in their 4 wheel drive unit to go "shootn". While out
they found a rabbit from one of the neighboring farms and caught it. They
decided instead of "shootn" at it, they'd have some real fun. And so they
tied a stick of dinamite to the little beastie and lit it. Well remember,
this was a poor confused farm rabbit, so it immediately ran off and hid,...
directly *under* their four wheel drive truck. *BOOM*
and the four wheel drive truck suddenly turned into a Volkswagen Rabbit!
******************************************************************
*************
Teddy Roosevelt was about to speak at a Bull Moose rallley As he began, a
heckler started shouting "I'm a Republican!". Well, T.R. ignores this fellow
for a while, but finally, he gets to be too much to take.
T.R.: "Pray tell, sir, what are your reasons for being a Republican?"
HECKLER: "Well, my daddy was a Republican, and so was his daddy."
T.R.: (Feeling very pleased that this jerk had given him such an opening)
Well then sir, suppose your father and your father's father had been
jackasses. What then would you be?"
HECKLER: "A Democrat."
========
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Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1993 23:56:04 EST
From: Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Dangerfield humor <adult themes>
"Good crowd, good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a good
crowd. I'm okay now but last week I was in rough shape. Why?
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap."
"I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great
uncle fought for the west!"
"My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught
him stealing pens."
"One year they wanted to make me poster boy.. for birth
control."
========
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Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1993 10:09:10 GMT
From: MICHAEL G MILLER <MILLER3@MAIL.LOC.GOV>
Subject: GABOR
The wrinkled skin joke reminded me of what a local wag once said.
He said that if Zsa Zsa Gabor had one more facelift, she would be
wearing a goatee.
========
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Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1993 11:08:00 EDT
From: Michael B. Smith <MBS116@PSUVM.BITNET>
Subject: A TV in everyroom.(pg-13)
a man takes off his pantyhose before he plays racquetball.
his buddy asks him what is with the pantyhose.
he replies that he wears them now.
since when his buddy asks.
ever since my wife found them in the glove compartment.
********************************************************
The young lady was feeling a bit amorous, so she decided to leave work a
little early and surprise her husband. When she got home she saw her husband
in the bedroom. She went in the bedroom and said, "John, take off my shoes."
So John took off her shoes. Then she said, "John, take off my dress." So
John obliged and took off her dress. Next it was "John, take off my slip."
So John took off her slip. Then she said, "John take off my bra!" So John
unhooked her bra and let it fall to the floor. Lastly she said "John, take
off my panties!!!." After John finished removing her panties she said,
"Don't ever let me catch you wearing my clothes again!"
========
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Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1993 11:50:24 EST
From: Herman Archie <HERMAN@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: IN MEMORY of JFK.
A boy and a girl got caught fucking in the back of a car.
Three witness were asked to testify in court.
THE first witness took the stand and said your honor, Isaw
them fucking.
The judge fined the witness 10 dollars for cursing in the court-
room.
The seecond witness took the stand and siad, your honor I saw them fuching
too. The judge fined the second witness 10 dollars also for cursing in the
courtroom. Finally, the third witness took the stand and said your honor,
I saw 5 to
I saw 10 toes up and 10 toes dowm. ASSes going out and asses going in if
that ain't fucking here's my 10.
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Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1993 11:40:42 CDT
From: Pete <EGALT1@UA1VM.BITNET>
Subject: Thanks for not smoking!
This makes a great sign for all of you non-smokers out there.
Cigarette Smoke is the residue
of your pleasure. It fills the air,
putrifies my clothes and hair and
lungs, withoust my consent. I have
pleasure too. I like beer. The
residue from my pleasure is urine.
Would you be annoyed if I stood
on a chair and pissed on you
head and clothes without your
consent?
THANK YOU FOR NOT SMOKING!!
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Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1993 11:55:14 -0500
From: Brad Pardee <bradp@UNLLIB.UNL.EDU>
Subject: Hilary
From a caller to Rush Limbaugh: "Clinton has found his own Rodham and
Gomorrah."
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Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1993 12:58:59 EST
From: Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Academic pay dispute
Fatback, NC (MailPouch) -- A salary grievance was filed today at State
College over a bitter dispute involving two professors from the Department
of Southeastern European Languages, Professor Ijp and Professor Ajpa. Dr.
Ijp, who is an associate professor, filed the demand for salary
arbitration after he learned that Dr. Ajpa, who is also an associate
professor, was receiving a salary three times greater than his own.
"I don't understand it," said Ijp, "we hold the same rank, we work in
similar areas, we both publish scholarly works, yet for some reason Dr.
Ajpa is paid three times more than I am. It just doesn't make any sense. I
don't know why they are doing this, but I intend to find out."
When contacted by the SMOKEHOUSE READER, the faculty Dean at State
College, Farley Wagonsmith, defended the salary disparity between the two
professors. "It's really quite simple," said Dean Wagonsmith. "Although
Dr. Ijp is a good professor, he is a slightly-built man, weighing in at
just 107 pounds. We pay him $32,500 a year, which comes out to $303.74 per
pound. On the other hand, Dr. Ajpa is a bear of a man, at 311 pounds, and
we pay him $93,638 per year, or only $301.09 per pound. As you can see,
the per pound rate for Dr. Ajpa is actually less than the rate for Dr.
Ijp. I think that Dr. Ijp has failed to appreciate adequately the
indisputable fact that Dr. Ajpa is providing 3 times more professor to the
College than is Dr. Ijp. Thus the so-called disparity in salaries, from
our point of view, is more illusory than real. Right now our biggest
concern is that Dr. Ajpa will demand rate parity with Dr. Ijp as a result
of this unfortunate grievance action."
Reaction to the salary controversy has been largely negative around the
state. One citizen summarized the comments of many by complaining, "I had
no idea they were spending so many of our tax dollars on any of these
guys. They cost more than decent round steak."
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Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1993 10:56:42 PDT
From: Julianne Edmunds (463-4848) <EDMUNDSJ@STLVM27.VNET.IBM.COM>
Subject: "GNU HISSED TREE" (PG-13)
Another compilation of student bloopers...
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Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1993 10:00:00 PDT
From: TORRANCE Pat <ptorrance@SHL.COM>
Subject: Divorce joke - Sexual content
A man walks into a lawyer's office and says he wants a divorce.
"Why is that?" said the lawyer.
"I want a divorce because our sexual life isn't satisfying. In fact, it's
got me extremely depressed. I'm beginning to doubt my virility," said the
sad-eyed man.
"I find it hard to believe that your sexual activity can have such an
effect on you. Can you give an example of what's going on?"
"I can't describe it properly. I'll record what happens tonight and you
can hear for yourself."
Early on the next morning, the gentleman returned with a cassette in hand.
"This should explain my complaint." So the lawyer put the tape in his
expensive office stereo and started it playing.
"Thaaat's haaaapinesss.......thaaat's haaaapinesss," a female voice came
from the speakers.
"It doesn't sound too bad to me!" said the lawyer.
"That's because you've got the tape at the wrong speed,"
"THAT'S a penis????"
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Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1993 16:20:00 EST
From: Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 446-2858 <KENNEDS@MAIL.FIRN.EDU>
Subject: Texan/Israeli joke (innocuous)
LAUGH THERAPY
A Texan was touring Israel, complete with his cowboy hat and
cowboy boots. We all know about the tendency of Texans to brag.
While driving down a great, flat desert, he spied a tiny house in
the distance, with a neat picket fence. Coming closer, he saw an
elderly man leaning against the fence.
"Shalom, you all," said the Texan.
"Shalom," replied the Israeli.
"Do you speak English?
"Sure I do."
"Do you own this little house?
"Yes."
"What on Earth do you do out here in this isolated area?
"I raise chickens."
"How large is your property?"
"Well, " answered the Israeli, "In the front, it's a good
eighty feet. And in the back, it must be 100, 110 feet at least."
The Texan grinned. "I don't mean to brag, but back in Texas
where I come from, I eat breakfast, get into my car around 9 am and
drive and drive and drive and drive, and I don't reach the end of
my property until about 6 o'clock at night."
And the Israeli then said, "I once owned a car like that."
- --
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Date: Sat, 5 Jun 1993 03:20:00 +0300
From: hananel kvatinsky <ramot@CCSG.TAU.AC.IL>
Subject: Re: Life 1.F A collection of clean humor gather eight years ago, big
On Thu, 3 Jun 1993 cate3.osbu_north@XEROX.COM wrote ( I am responding
just
to one of the jokes ):
>
******************************************************************
*************
>
> In the U.S.A. "Pass the honey, Honey".
>
> In the U.K. "Pass the sugar, Sugar".
>
> In Canada: "Pass the tea, bag".
>
> *******************************************************************************
>
In ??? : " Pass me the beefsteak, Cow "
Hananel Kvatinsky
Ramat-Gan, Israel
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Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1993 22:51:25 EST
From: Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: The DEVIL's dictionary <cynical>
I hope there are some Ambrose Bierce fans out there, because I want to
sample some of his humor to this list.
Ambrose Bierce, *The Devil's Dictionary* (originally printed 1911) my
copy printed 1979 by Thomas Y. Crowell Publishers, NY.
Academy, n. (from academe). A modern school where football is taught.
Academe, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.
Diagnosis, n. A physician's forecast of disease by the patient's pulse
and purse.
Dog, n. A kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch the
overflow and surplus of the world's worship. this Divine Being in some
of his smaller and silkier incranations takes, in the affection of
Woman, the place to which there is no human male aspirant. The Dog is
a survival--an anachronism. He toils not, neither does he spin, yet
Solomon in all his glory never lay upon a door-mat all day long, sun-
soaked and fly-fed and fat, while his master worked for the means
wherewith to purchase an idle wag of the Solomonic tail, seasoned with
a look of tolerant recognition.
Kiss, n. A word invented by the poets as a rhyme for "bliss." it is
supposed to signify, in a general way, some kind of rite or ceremony
appertaining to a good understanding; but the manner of its
performance is unknown to this lexicographer.
Kleptomaniac, n. A rich thief.
Moral, adj. Conforming to a local and mutable standard of right. Having
the quality of general expediency.
Mouth, n. In man, the gateway to the soul; in woman, the outlet of the
heart.
Saint, n. A dead sinner revised and edited.
Sauce, n. The one infallible sing of civilization and enlightenment. A
people with no sauces has one thousand vices; a people with one sauce
has only nine hundred and ninety-nine. For every sause invented and
accepted a vice is renounced and forgiven.
Vote, n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool
of himself and a wreck of his country.
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Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1993 22:07:19 -0600
From: Les Pourciau at Memphis State <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU>
Subject: No Smoking Sign
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN ARE KINDLY REQUESTED
NOT TO SMOKE; AND SO ARE YOU!
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Date: Sat, 5 Jun 1993 09:13:52 -0400
From: Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Joke (fwd)
My brother sent me this a couple of days ago, and I thought I'd share it
with you.
When changing the toner today in our office TI laser printer I noticed
the following on the cleaning pad holder:
ADVARSEL: HOJ TEMPERATUR
HUOMATOUS: ERITAIN KUUMA
ATTENTION: TEMPERATURE ELEVEE
ZUR BEACHTUNG: HOHE TEMPERATUR
CUIDADO: TEMPERATURA ELEVADA
CAUTION: HIGH TEMPERATURE AVOID TOUCHING
What is it about English-speakers that singles them out as being
unable to make the connection between "Hot!" and "Don't Touch!"?
========
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Date: Sun, 6 Jun 1993 14:58:41 EDT
From: Bill Edwards <BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET>
Subject: HUMOR has 800+ SUBers
This past Thursday HUMOR, for the first, passed the 800 subscriber mark.
Clearly, our contributors continue to do a good job of providing us with
classic and contemporary humor. As Listowner I particularly appreciate
the clear warnings provided by most contributors when they are posting
potentially sensitive or offensive humor. This convention should
continue to provide us with full freedom of expression while respecting
the experiences, views, and sensitivities of fellow subscribers.
In recent weeks we have been averaging 14/15 messages per day. As long
as our contributors keep most of their posts under a 100 lines, the list
volume should be managable by even our members with small accounts. If
our current contributors will continue to obey the one post per day
rule, the HUMOR list could use some more contributors.
Obligatory humor:
Morris K. Udall in his wonderfully funny book about politics, *Too Funny
to be President* says the following:
"I am indebted to my longtime friend, Art Buchwald, the author of
*Buchwald's Fourth Law,* which reads: "The First two times you use a
joke, give your source credit. From then on, to hell with it! Be
shameless--claim it as your own. After all, your source undoubtedly
stole it from someone else."
Jokes are public, not private property, and you can't be prosecuted for
borrowing them. Like most political humorists, mark Shields admits to
having done his share of pilferage. "Jokes have a copyright of about
twelve hours," he says.
At an Auburn-Alabama footall game there wsn't a ticket available for
weeks. On the forty-five-yard line a fan sat with an empty seat next to
him. A spectator asked the man if he knew who owned the seat. "Yes, I
do."
"Then why isn't it being used on the day of the biggest game of the year?"
Mournfully, the man said, "Well, my wife and I have season tickets and we
alway
s come together. But last Friday she died."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. But why didn't you give her ticket to one of your
children?"
"Oh, I couldn't do that. They're all at the funeral."
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Date: Sun, 6 Jun 1993 16:08:49 -0400
From: Richard Chatham <rchatham@MATHSUN1.MATH.UTK.EDU>
Subject: Mathematician joke
The worst thing about buying something from a mathematician is
figuring out what to do with the 100-page proof of purchase.
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Date: Sun, 6 Jun 1993 19:19:41 EST
From: Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: The DEVIL's dictionary <cynical>
Intimacy, n. A relation into which fools are providentially drawn
for their mutual destructon.
Inventor, n. A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels,
levers and springs, and believes it civilization.
Irreligion, n. The principal one of the great faiths of the world.
Justice, n. A commodity which in a more or less adulterated condition
the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes,
and personal service.
Kill, v. t. To create a vacancy without nominating a successor.
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Date: Sun, 6 Jun 1993 22:23:47 EST
From: Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Ethnic jokes <tasteless>
A Lithuanian, a Japanese, and an American went elk hunting in the
mountains of Wyoming. When the Japanese came back to camp with a
big buck, his companions asked how he'd managed it. "I saw the
tracks. I followed the tracks. Bang! I got the elk." The next
day it was the American who dragged in a big buck. "I saw tracks.
I followed 'em, and--bang!--I got the elk," was his simple story.
The third evening the Lute dragged himself into the camp, a bruised
and bloody mess. "What the hell happened to you?" asked the
American. "I saw the tracks. I followed the tracks, and--bang!"
moaned the Lute, "I got hit by a train.
Did you hear about the smart aleck high school dropout who was
robbing a bank? He went up to the teller and said, "All, you
mothersticker, this is a fuckup!" He didn't get any money because
the teller broke up laughing.
How do you bury a Korean? Flush. How do you bury an American?
Flush three times.
If English cuisine is so bad, how come the English get so fat?
They love to sing Irish songs, devour Welsh creams and cheese,
drink Scot whiskey, and eat French food.
What do you call an uncircumcised Jewish baby? A girl.
What do you call a white NBA basketball player? Benchwarmer.
What do Portuguese wear to weddings? Formal fishnet.
What do you call a white man who dies and gets wings? An angel.
How about a black man who does the same? A bat.
What's so special about the elevator at Bloomingdale's? It's about
the only thing a rich man's wife will go down on.
What's the difference between an Israelite and an Israeli? About
thirty calories.
Why are the most successful churches round? So there are no
corners to hide in when the collection plate is passed.
Why do Nevada quickie divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Why can't you get protestants to send their children to Jewish
schools? They don't do homework.
What do you call a white man surrounded by three blacks? Victim.
What do you call a white man surrounded by five blacks? Coach.
What do you call a white man surrounded by ten blacks?
Quarterback.
What do you call a white man surrounded by three hundred blacks?
Warden.
========
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Date: Sun, 6 Jun 1993 23:38:44 EST
From: Bill Edwards, Columbus College, Georgia <EDWARDS@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: New political bumpersticker
Most Americans have now seen the bumpersticker "Don't blame me, I
voted for Bush." I received a phone call tonight from a friend
in Ohio who reported seeing an answering bumpersticker: "Who did
you blame when Bush was President." I bet they didn't blame
President Bush. :->
Blame, bitterness, and complaining--sounds like obstructionism to me.
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Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1993 09:07:00 EST
From: HARSH <HARSH@CRNLGSM.BITNET>
Subject: Golf Jokes..
Origin :: Unknown
----------------------------Original message----------------------------
<forwards deleted>
Golf jokes :
Ah, I believe this one is best done with a bit'a the brogue
after a wee sip.
Me wife says to me one day "Tain't it about time you learned
to play this golf thing that all the other husbands are play'n?
So I goes next door and says to me neighbor "Can you teach
me to play golf?"
He: "Sure. Have you got any balls and club?"
Me: "?.....of course. Why?"
H: "Well bring'em to the club house tomorrow and we'll
T-off."
M: "?T-off? Whats this T-off?"
H: "Oh - its just a golf term and we'll T-off right next
to the clubhouse."
M: "Look, you T-off where ever you want to but I'll
T-off in private if you don't mind."
H: "(chuckle) No no, a T's that little thing about the
size of your little finger."
M: (them damn women been talk'n again)
H: "Look, the first thing you do is stick you T in the
ground and put you ball on top of it."
M: "Oh, this is sit down game?"
H: "No, your standing up when you put your ball on the T."
M: "Is'nt that strech'n things a bit far"?
H: "No. You got a bag to go along with your balls'n clubs"?
M: "?.....of course. Why?"
H: "Zippered bag or velcro"?
M: "?...........neither".
H: "Oh, well how do you hold you club"?
I: "Two fingers".
H: "No, no. That's not right. Look let me get around behind
you like this. Now spread your feet apart a bit. Bend
over a bit. Now I'll put my arms around you and show
you how to swing".
M: "Damn man, I spent six years in the Navy and I know
what you got on your mind.
H: "Ok, look, you take your club and swing it over your
shoulder . . ."
M: "No, no, that's me brother Jimmy you be think'n of".
H: ". . . and you hit your ball with it and it'll
soar and soar".
M: "I can well belive that".
H: "Then when your on the green . . ."
M: "What's the green thing"?
H: "Ah, thats where the hole is".
M: "You color blind"?
H: "No, why"? " . . . anyway, when you get there, you take
your putter . . ."
M: "Whats a putter"?
H: "Smallest club made>"
M: (DAMN that woman, just can't keep her mouth shut).
H: ". . . and with it you put the ball in the hole".
M: "You mean the putter"?
H: "No, the ball, the hole isn't big enough for the ball and
the putter".
M: "Well - that's when I knew he didn't know what he was
talk'n about. Cuz I seen holes big enough for a
horse-n-wagon".
H: "Then after the first hole, you go on to the next 17".
M: "I quit. Takes me 18 days to make one hole. Besides, how
would I know when I in the 18th one"?
H: "Why, the holes got a flag in it".
M: Sheeez!
------------
A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf
& enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack
golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he
spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the
caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going
to go drown myself in that lake." The caddy looks back at him
and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that
long."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's a nice hot summers day and two men are playing golf on a course
that is situated near a main road. As he is just about to tee off on
the 10th hole one of the men notices a hearse driving slowly along the
road. He stops in mid swing and places his club on the ground, tuns
round, faces the road and removes his hat in a solemn gesture. The
second man turns round to him and says...
M2: "Come off it, it's only a hearse."
M1: "But you don't understand, its my wife's funeral..."
____________________
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Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1993 08:46:01 -0600
From: Jill Harlow <J_HARLOW@OJC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject: WHAT TO DO TO FAIL A TEST--LONG BUT FUNNY!
Subj: 50 things to do when you're going to fail!
50 Fun things to do in a final that does not matter (i.e. you are going
to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam)
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15
minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some
gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the
secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long
answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the
integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's
left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate
your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm
SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk
the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly
say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to
every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are
you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max
level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to
refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this
question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be
creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of
relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the
country" and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into
very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry
Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam.
Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your
head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam.
Be as
vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make
one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking.
Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be
taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let
them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of
the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to
another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out,
start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If
it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE.
etc..).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers
completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down
violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the
instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving
after one hour to go drink)
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point
during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why,
tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on
above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put
on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera"
until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the
class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged.
Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take
the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say
"you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our
Lives is on!!!"
32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore
the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to
leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the
River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you
could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most
equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life
story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and
shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the
exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is
obvious...
like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just
failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with
the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any
question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they
do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you.
Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent
to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs,
anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90
degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are
asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student
Handbook
with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical
instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx
Sucks"
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