Digest for Thursday, July 01, 1993
There are 13 messages totalling 741 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Penis Humor
- English is a Crazy Language (fwd)
- Bastard Operator From Hell Part#15 (Computer Humor PG-13)
- 10 Horrifying Secrets of Barney the Dinosaur
- Ps & Qs explanation
- Doonesbury, Th Guardian newspaper
- Life 1.N A collection of clean humor gather eight years ago, big
- blondes wont get this
- ps and qs
- jokes...
- Atomic humor
- Do you know grammar?
- GOP Humor? Yeah, they really can be jokes.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 1 Jul 1993 08:03:32 EDT
From: Daniel Pugh <DPUGH@VTVM1.CC.VT.EDU>
Subject: Penis Humor
Here is this guy who rally takes care of his body.
He lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.
One morning he looks into the mirror and admires his body.
He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except
his penis and he decides to do something about it.
He goes to the beach, strips completely and buries himself in
the sand except for his penis sticking up out of the sand.
Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one
looks down and says, "There's no justice in this world."
The other old lady says, "What do you mean?"
The first lady says, "Look at that!"
"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it ...
When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it ...
When I was 30, I enjoyed it ...
When I was 40, I asked for it ...
When I was 50, I paid for it ...
When I was 60, I prayed for it ...
When I was 70, I forgot about it ...
And now that I am 80, the damn things are growing wild!"
Off to vacation, no more submissions from me for a while. Peace.
==========
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Date: Thu, 1 Jul 1993 09:41:16 -0400
From: Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: English is a Crazy Language (fwd)
I came across this on the BORIKEN list and thought some might enjoy it here
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Wed, 30 Jun 1993 07:53:14 EDT
From: Luis Ramos <ramos@KSR.COM>
To: Multiple recipients of list BORIKEN
<BORIKEN%ENLACE.BITNET@uga.cc.uga.edu>
Subject: English is a Crazy Language
English is a Crazy Language
Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant
nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English
muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats
are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find
that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig
is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't
the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?
One
index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that
you comb thru annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a
bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you
call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps
you bote your tongue?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an
asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a
play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have
noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and
wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while
quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell
one day and cold as hell another?
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are
absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a
sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone
who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all
those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a
fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it
out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I
start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
NOTE: Author unknown to me.
------- End of Forwarded Message
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Date: Thu, 1 Jul 1993 10:08:27 -0400
From: Alex Tsekhansky <TSEKHANSKY@SCSUD.CTSTATEU.EDU>
Subject: Bastard Operator From Hell Part#15 (Computer Humor PG-13)
Subject: Bastard Operator From Hell. Part#15
Lines: 137
Group: Computer Humor
Rated: PG-13; some offensive language;
BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #13
I'm busy with my new shell replacement login script, and it's almost foolproof.
Let's just say it pops up with:
"Yes means No and No means Yes. Delete all files [Y]? "
upon login. I'm really starting to worry about the number of account breakins
we've been having recently.... The manager isn't though. His main concern
appears to be the number of computer-related fatalities on campus. Funny
world, isn't it?
I flip the excuse card. "DOPPLER EFFECT" Sounds implausible enough that
it's
plausable - with a little work of course.
The phone, the bane of my existance, rings.
"Hello, Computer Room" I say, being helpful
"Is this the Technicians?" The caller asks.
Amazing the number of deaf people that use these things. What the hell, I'm
bored..
"Yes it is" I lie (Nixon could've done with me)
"I've got a problem with my floppy drive, it doesn't seem to be reading all
the time"
"Hmmm. How old is the drive?"
"About a year.."
"And it sometimes fails and sometimes works, but it's starting to fail more
and more?"
"YES!"
"Yeah, it's the Doppler effect of magnetism.."
"I thought that only happened with light and sound?"
>Bullshit mode ON<
"Yes, well it's been found that on a spinning surface, like a disk, the
particle's magnetic alignment changes, especially when the head is stationary
and slightly magnetised in respect to it."
"Duh. Oh"
"So, what you need to do is to demagnetise the head. Have you got a disk head
demagnetising loop?"
"Uh.... No?"
"OK, we'll have to do it the hard way. Have you got your original diskettes
for your software?"
"Yeah."
"Right, chuck them in the drive, one by one, and format them."
"WHAT?!"
"Don't worry, it won't work - remember the drive is failing. All that happens
is that the virgin magnetic field of the disks realigns the magnetic field of
the head, because they weren't written by a doppler effected drive."
"Oh, yeah!"
"So, when it gives you a write error and asks if you want to continue, you
say yes. Do it with all your original diskettes, then, to complete the
demagnetising process, run a head cleaning diskette through the drive as
well, which will pick up the stray magenetic particles clinging to the head."
"Oh. Ok. Thanks"
"Don't thank me - IT'S MY JOB"
I put the phone down, it rings again. It's the big boss.
"Simon, could you come to my office please?"
>ALERT!<
Quick as I can, I press the panic button on our LAN-Analyser, or to be more
precise, the "Generate 90% random traffic" button
"Sure, would you like me to come now, or..
The other phone rings. I chuck it on hands free
"Hello, Computer Room, Simon Here, How can I help?"
"THE NETWORK IS DOWN, ALL OUR PCS HAVE SHIT THEMSELVES!"
the voice on hands
-free screams into the mouthpeice of the other phone
"I see" I say calmly "Yes, our Monitor shows it up, it looks to be a bad
segment of thinwire - please hold the line while I unplug it"
I press the "I just got a raise" button (AKA "Stop Traffic Generation") on the
Lan Analyser, and almost immediately the user shouts back "Excellent, it's
working now, thanks"
"That's ok, don't mention it. Have a nice day"
The big-boss has been listening to all this, so I reckon that the trip to his
office won't be so bad after all. I tell him I'll be right down as soon as
I secure the net and hang up. On the way down, I invent a new buzzword
which
always keep management happy. Complete Transient Lockout. Sounds much
better
than pulling the plug. Like Master-Reset sounds better than off-switch.
I get to his office and the staffing officer is there too. Uh-oh.
"Simon - How would you like to be our System Manager?"
?!!!
"Well... I don't know, I like that hands on.."
"Extra 10 grand a year, Varisty Car.."
"Monaro?"
"Ok"
"Sold!"
....And so ends the saga, as it should have at #10.
=========
Hi, folks!
Did you enjoy this series?
I have many other computer stories to tell you.
Some of them were already posted (like "Alice in the Unix Land"
or "System Operators"), but some others I've never
seen in HUMOR (for instance, I don't remember post of
well-known "Real Programmers Don't use PASCAL" or may be I
just missed it).
If you'd like to hear about some specific computer humor or you
have interesting stories you don't have time to post, send a note
to me!
Sincerely yours, Alex Tsekhansky
(Tsa).
Internet: tsekhansky@scsud.ctstateu.edu
Voice: (203) 288-6508
==========
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Date: Thu, 1 Jul 1993 09:12:54 -0600
From: Jill Harlow <J_HARLOW@OJC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject: 10 Horrifying Secrets of Barney the Dinosaur
David Letterman's Top Ten Horrifying Secrets of Barney the Dinosaur
10. Spent the 70's traveling around the country following the Grateful Dead.
9. Stormy marriage to Tanya Tucker lasted only 6 days.
8. Purple color the result of alcohol-induced hypertension.
7. Bitterly refers to "E.T." as "The Luckiest Damn Space Monkey in
Hollywood"
6. Bangs the production assistants as fast as they can hire them.
5. Is the other half-brother of Roger Clinton.
4. He and Mickey Rourke were forcibly ejected from the Golden Nugget
Casino
in Las Vegas after assaulting a blackjack dealer.
3. Before plastic surgery was one of the Jackson Five.
2. Offered Fred Flintstone a million dollars for one night with Dino.
1. Two words: Silicone tail.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
F.Y.I. Arsenio mentioned the guy that got he penis cut off in his monologue on
Tuesday.
C-ya
==========
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Date: Thu, 1 Jul 1993 12:21:51 EST
From: Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Ps & Qs explanation
/Idioms and dead metaphors are among my favorite forms of
/humor. Do you have any favorites to contribute?
Mind your Ps & Qs
Uppercase and Lowercase letters
When mechanical printing was accomplished (90+ years ago), the printing
press master was created by arranging individual letters onto a plate
and locking them into place. You'd have all the As in one bin, all
the Bs in another bin, etc. so you had 26 bins + punctuation.
There were 2 cases of bins of letters, one case contained Capitals,
the other didn't. The capital letters were in the upper case, the others
were in the lower case (bin). Since the printing machines
forced the letters to be arranged upside down to the viewer, and
since the letters were in mirror writing, it was easy to confuse
an upside-down, backwards p with an upside-down, backwards q.
Source - Montgomery AL TV interviewed an elderly gentleman who
currently owns/runs a turn-of-the-century printing press.
==========
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Date: Thu, 1 Jul 1993 17:38:13 BST
From: Mike Ellwood <MWE@IBM-B.RUTHERFORD.AC.UK>
Subject: Doonesbury, Th Guardian newspaper
The British newspaper, The Guardian (that's the one for woolly-minded
liberals, such as myself ;) ), has been running a correspondence in its
letters page about the "Lorna Doone" theme in recent Doonesburys.
One writer criticised Trudeau for calling her Scottish, when "everyone
knows" that she came from the West Country. However, another followed up
giving chapter and verse to show that she had only married into a
family of West Country farmers, and that she was indeed descended from
Scottish nobility - quite a class leap for those days.
Oh well, for the obligatory humour, also from the Guardian (Diary column)
of 29 June: "And now some traffic news, followed by a birth announcement.
Motorists on the A40 in West London, enraged by the driver of the VW
Scirocco
who swerved across two lanes of traffic to skid into the Mobil filling station
near Acton, please read the following birth announcement:
'To Helen and Tim Murphy, suddenly at the Mobil filling station near Acton,
a daughter. Mother and daughter Stella, for the four-star petrol pump
which watched over her birth, doing fine.' "
Mike Ellwood Abingdon, GB (mwe@ib.rl.ac.uk)
"There is a woman in our town who stands on the street and hollers.
Everyone knows her, and people think she is a little insane.
But when you look at the state of the world today, perhaps the only sane
way to react is to shout and holler and scream.
Maybe those of us who don't holler are the insane ones"
- Someone
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Date: Thu, 1 Jul 1993 10:46:54 PDT
From: cate3.osbu_north@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life 1.N A collection of clean humor gather eight years ago, big
-----------------------------------------------------------------
OXYGEN
Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal in
concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m. Humans exposed to these oxygen
concentrations die within a few minutes. Symptoms resemble very much those
of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.) In higher concentration e.g. about 20%,
the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it takes about 2.5 billion
inhalations before death takes place. The reason for the delay is the
difference in mechanism of the toxic effect of of oxygen in 20% concentration.
It apparently contributes to a complex process called aging, of which very
little is known, except that it is always fatal.
However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is the fact
that it is habit forming. The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is
sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent. After that, any considerable
decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with symptoms resembling
those of cyanide poisoning.
Concentrations higher than 20% decrease the above mentioned delay. High
oxygen concentration provokes in prematurely born babies placed in incubators
a condition known as retrolental fibroplasia resulting in blindness. Lung
irritation has been reported on experimental animals exposed for several days
to high oxygen concentrations.
Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard. All the fires that were reported in the
continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be due to
the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings in
question.
Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and
tasteless, so that its presence cannot be readily detected until it is too
late.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Does anyone know why they have locks on the doors at 7-11 if they're
open 24 hours?
-----------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between the Boy Scouts and [name your org]?.......
The Boy Scouts have adult leadership!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Three men were in the hospital waitng room while their respective wives
to deliver. Finally a nurse comes out asking for Mr. J.
"Congratulations, you're the proud father of twins!" "Isn't that
facinating, I come from Twin Forks."
and he runs off to see his family. The nurse returns for Mr S.
"Congratulations, you're the proud father of triplets!" "Isn't that
facinating, I come from the Triple Cities." and he hurries off.
Immediately the third father stands up and starts to leave. The
nurse stops him and inquires about where he's going. "HOME", he
says, "to the Thousand Islands!!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
To meet a project deadline, my programmers worked overtime for several
weeks. On the final evening, one woman said: "Boss, do you have a
copy of the latest IRS tax regulations? There's something I want to look up."
"What's that?" I asked.
"Use of the office as a home."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Daffy-nitions
Fascinate: Ma had nine buttons on her nightgown, but she could only
fascinate.
Pasteurize: The water's only up to my neck, but it's pasteurize.
Gruesome: My dad stopped shaving and gruesome whiskers.
Defeat of deduct go over defense before detail.
Analyze, anatomy: My analyze over the ocean.
My analyze over the sea.
My analyze over the ocean.
Oh, bring back my anatomy.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
"Nowadays, when opportunity knocks, you have to unlock both deadbolts,
remove the chain, and turn off the burglar alarm..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a pair of people who doubt the very existance of God?
A: A Diagnostic.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Two IBM salesmen were driving down a country road at high speed and passed
a pickup truck with an old couple inside.
"Look at those fools, pa! Must be a couple of IBM salesman and they will
surely meet their maker soon, I tell you."
Well, sure enough, a little while later the couple comes across a bad
accident involving the two IBM salesmen.
"Well maw, we got to do what any good folk would do and give em a decent
burial."
So the couple dug a hole and buried the IBM salesman. Just as they were
putting their tools away, a cop drives up.
"You folks see this accident?"
"No sir, but we knew them dang fools were going to have it when they passed
us doing a hunert miles an hour. Well, we finally come across the accident
and gave them IBM salesman a decent burial"
"You were sure that they were dead??"
"Well, they said they weren't, but you know how those IBM salesmen
exaggerate!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Explain the distinction between the words "stationery" and "stationary:"
If I want to buy some writing paper and envelopes, I would go to a stationary
store, because the moving ones are too hard to find.
There are many types of engineers. For example, automotive engineers design
cars, while stationery engineers design printing presses and embossing machines.
This is called a "spelling lessen" because it lessens your ability to spell
correctly.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The enlightenment generated by a seminary is measured in luminaries.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Message sent out: If anyone is walking (or even sitting) around with a blue
Pilot pen with a transparent barrel which doesn't belong to them; I think it
is probably mine. I've lost three. They seem to have walked away from my
office.
The reply: Reboot your office. They might come back.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a couch potato?
A spec-tater!!
(with my apologies to those who thought my common-tater joke was bad...)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Werner von Braun said, "Basic research is what I'm doing when I don't know
what I'm doing."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Loosely translated from the writings of technical journalists, personal
friends, a retired (retarded?) Army General....
HOW TO WRITE ENGLISH GOOD
from the Casey Stengle School of Brooklynese
(1) Just between you and I case is important.
(2) Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
(3) Don't use no double negatives.
(4) A preposition is something you should never end a
sentence with. (or as Sir Winston Churchill once
said; "This is the type of nonsense up with I will
not put!").
(5) It is always good practice to never split infina-tives.
(6) About sentence fragments.
(7) Don't write a run-on sentance you have to punctu-
ate it.
(8) When one is writing, it is important to maintain
your point of view.
(9) Proofread your work. Do not tolerate mispellings!
(10) Watch out for irregular verbs which have croped
into the language.
(11) Don't say the same thing more than once. It's
redundant and repetious.
(12) If the writer is considerate of the reader, he
won't have a problem with ambiguous sentances.
(13) This sentance no verb.
(14) You should be aware of the conditional case if you
was to use it.
(15) The smothering of verbs is a cause of the weaken-
ing of the sentance impact.
(16) Avoid the utilization of enlarged words when shor-
tened ones will do.
(17) Perform a functional iterative analysis on your
work to root out third generation transitional
buzz words.
(18) Make sure you hyp-henate properly.
(19) Sentences should be written in the active voice
when giving instructions, so that the subject of
the action can be identified clearly.
(20) Avoid the use of dyed-in-the-wool cliches.
(21) The defacto use of foreign phrases vis-a-vis plain
English in your written tete-a-tetes makes the
sentance harder to understand.
(22) Continuity of thought, logical development and
smooth transitions are important. Never leave
the reader guessing.
(23) Beware of malapropisms. They are a communist sub-
mersive plot.
(24) Join clauses good like a conjunction should.
(25) Each pronoun should agree with their antecedent.
(26) It has come to our considered attention that in a
large majority of cases, far too many people use a
great deal more words than is absolutely necessary
when engaged in the practice of writing sentances.
(27) Be careful of dangling participles writing a paper.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Bad luck is having your operation by the winner of the local grammar
school's doctor-for-a-day contest
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Status: Most everything is functioning normally (except the users of course!).
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Practicing medicine in the Bronx has its complications, but the
following is something even we don't have to put up with:
DHAKA (Bangladesh): At least 50 patients ran screaming
from their beds after five cobras reared their heads in a
packed ward on the third floor of Dacca Medical College
Hospital, officials said yesterday.
Hospital employees killed the poisonous snakes after
Tuesday's fright, but snake charmers were summoned today
in case more serpents were lurking in the hospital.
Craig Werner (MD/PhD '91)
==========
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Date: Thu, 1 Jul 1993 15:30:41 -0400
From: Itchy N Scratchy <LPD5002@NYSHESCV.BITNET>
Subject: blondes won't get this
Three guys walked into a bar. One ducked.
If you were constipated before 1 A.D. did you take IMMODIUM B.C.?
>ouch!<
-DPM
==========
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Date: Thu, 1 Jul 1993 16:09:42 EDT
From: Dan Brill <DBRILL@UGA.BITNET>
Subject: p's and q's
I had heard that p's and q's referred to pints and quarts.
As men were going out to the pubs in the olden days (or as they still do
if they are lucky enough to live in the UK), their wives would remind
them to watch their p's and q's -- i.e., not to drink and spend too
much.
Just another plausible explanation.
Peace.
==========
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Date: Thu, 1 Jul 1993 16:24:00 EDT
From: Yves Delphin <YVES@JCSVAX1.BITNET>
Subject: jokes...
Q. Where do Chinese wash themselves?
A. On the shores.
A bumper sticker reads like this:
Jimmy Carter is no longer our worst President.
==========
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Date: Thu, 1 Jul 1993 14:59:20 MDT
From: Diane Stevens <dlstevens@ACADEMIC.CC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject: Atomic humor
Two sodium atoms were walking along when the first one said to the second,
"I've lost an electron!" Are you sure?" the second atom asked.
The first atom answered, "Yes, I'm positive!"
Diane L. Stevens
Government Documents Technician
Colorado College
Tutt Library
1021 N. Cascade Ave.
Colorado Springs CO 80903
719-389-6660
Internet: DLSTEVENS@CC.COLORADO.EDU
Bitnet: DLSTEVENS%CCNODE@COLORADO.BITNET
==========
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Date: Thu, 1 Jul 1993 19:25:09 EST
From: Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Do you know grammar?
YOUR WHOLE LIFE HAS BEEN WASTED
Nasrudin, ferrying a pedant across a piece of rough water, said
something ungrammatical to him. "Have you never studied grammar?"
asked the scholar.
"No."
"The half of your life has been wasted."
A few minute later Nasrudin turned to the passenger, "Have you
ever learned how to swim?"
"No. Why?"
"Then all your life is wasted--we are sinking!"
==========
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Date: Thu, 1 Jul 1993 19:38:39 EST
From: Herman Archie <HERMAN@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: GOP Humor? Yeah, they really can be jokes.
In today's Columbus (Georgia) Ledger-Enquirer there is an ad for a fellow
who is apparently running for the 1996 Republican nomination for President.
In his ad, which he paid for, there are three photo, one of President
Clinton, one of Ross Perot, and one of Mark Tate. Clinton & Perot are
dressed in business suites, while Tate is in military greens. Under each
photo is a catchy caption. I'll let you guess which caption goes with
each photo:
Mine nose have smelled the Flowers.
Mine ears have heard my voice.
Mine eyes have seen the glory.
There is no address to send money or letters of support to. But
remember, you heard about Mark Tate first on HUMOR. If he doesn't
get the nomination, maybe Ross Perot or Dan Quayle will pick him
for vice president.
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