Digest for Sunday, August 01, 1993

There are 6 messages totalling 202 lines in this issue. 




Topics of the day:
  1. PG-13 -- May be mildly offensive to some..
  2. Sunday humor
  3. Limbaugh satire (rudeness alert)
  4. tent preacher (cute)
  5. LAST QUAYLE JOKE (fwd)
  6. no gnus... 


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Date:         Sun, 1 Aug 1993 05:42:45 -0400
From:         Bert Headrick <ACAD1159@SLCSL.STLAWRENCEC.ON.CA>
Subject:      PG-13 -- May be mildly offensive to some..

Subject: PG-13 -- May be mildly offensive to some..
A bored housewife in suburbia is entertaining her lover in bed one
day as, unknown to them, her nine-year-old son is taking it all in
from her bedroom closet.  As luck would have it, the husband
arrives home unexpectedly from the office and the surprised wife
shoves her lover into the closet.

Son says to lover, "Sure is dark in here, isn't it?"  After jumping
out of his skin and crawling back in, the lover replied that it was.
"Would you like to buy a flashlight?" asks the boy.  The lover said
he didn't think so.  "Sure would be bad if dad found out about
this," observed the boy.  The lover enquired as to how much the
boy wanted for the flashlight and agreed to pay the $25.00 price.

Two weeks later, same housewife, same lover, same boy in the
closet when husband again arrives home unexpectedly.  Wife
shoves lover into closet and son says, "Sure is dark in here, isn't
it?  Would you like to buy a fishing rod?"  The lover agrees to pay
the $50. price for the boy's fishing rod and his silence.

Weekend arrives and father asks son if he would like to go fishing.
Son replies, "Can't, dad; sold my fishing rod."  Dad says, "That old
thing?  How much did you get for it?"  When the son told him
$50., dad proceeds to give him a stern lecture on morality and
ethics and demands that he go to confession that very day.

The son goes into this big church, enters the confessional, and
pulls the curtain closed.  He says, "Sure is dark in here, isn't it?"
The priest replied, "Oh no, we're not going through that again!"


Regards,
BERT HEADRICK, HEALTH SCIENCE, BROCKVILLE
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Date:         Sun, 1 Aug 1993 10:08:16 EST
From:         Herman Archie <HERMAN@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Sunday humor

Enough to make agnostics of us all.

I don't believe in atheists!

Thank god I'm an atheist

And we don't believe in you!

If you believe in nothing, it believes in you.

Wade is an agnostic, but that doesn't really matter.

It also possible some of us no do grammar too good niether.

"Sarcasm...,We don't get much of that around these parts"
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Date:         Sun, 1 Aug 1993 14:07:02 EDT
From:         Bill Edwards <BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      Limbaugh satire (rudeness alert)

One of Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths

35) You should thank God for making you an American; and instead of
     feeling guilty about it, help spread our ideas worldwide.

However, only WASPs need attempt to immigrate to the USA (unmarried
women over the age of 29 should be strictly prohibited in all cases).
:-) Unmarried women under the age of 30 wishing to immigrate into the
USA should be given the Rush Limbaugh Test.

The Rush Limbaugh Test consist of showing the young woman a suitable
full-length photograph of Rush Limbaugh with the following choices:

___ (A) I am ready to marry this man (or one of his chosen followers);

___ (B) I find this man sexually attractive;

___ (C) If he is rich and gives me lots of money, I will have sex with
        him;

___ (D) even if this fat guy were rich, I wouldn't consider holding
        hands with him;

___ (E) he reminds me of an uncle who never got married, if you know
        what I mean.

The young ladies who answer A or B will be admitted to the USA. The
unattractive feminists who answer D or E should be held in detention
until they can be sold to ugly Arabs as third and fourth wives. The
prostitutes who answer C should be given green cards and should be
allowed to re-take the test every year until they are 30 at which time
the failures will be deported to Amsterdam or Marseille were they should
be able to find additional work without the hazard of having to look at
a picture of Rush Limbaugh every year.

(Note for international members: Rush Limbaugh is a fat, rich Republican
who has a 3 hour daily radio talk show and an half hour daily television
talk show on USA media--one of his main sponsors is a learn-to-read
course called "Hooked on Phonics" & WASPs are White Anglo-Saxon
Protestants).

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Date:         Sun, 1 Aug 1993 15:18:00 EST
From:         Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 446-2858 <KENNEDS@MAIL.FIRN.EDU>
Subject:      tent preacher (cute)

Old-fashioned tent revival meeting.  Fire-breathing preacher pacing back
and forth, pounding on Bible, roaring at the crowd...

"Brother and sisters, if there is anyone among you today who has committed
adultery, may his tongue cweeve to the woof of his mouf."

(Read it out loud.  Makes better oral than written humor.)

Shirl
kenneds@firnvx.firn.edu
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Date:         Sun, 1 Aug 1993 16:51:02 -0400
From:         Amy Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject:      LAST QUAYLE JOKE (fwd)

          It  was the  sad duty of  the President's long time friend, James
          Baker, to break the  bad  news  to  him  late Election night last
          November. He walked into the  Oval Office at about 2:00 a.m.  and
          found   the  President  and   Vice  President  Quayle  there."Mr.
          President" he intoned, "by  the looks of  the early returns, exit
          interviews and all other data we  can assemble, it looks like you
          will lose  the election. It seems certain that  Bill Clinton will
          be  the next President of the United States." Bush took the news
          quietly and with dignity. Then Dan Quayle piped up, "So, how  did
          I do?"
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Date:         Sun, 1 Aug 1993 22:08:00 EST
From:         Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 446-2858 <KENNEDS@MAIL.FIRN.EDU>
Subject:      no gnus...

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Date: Sun, 1 Aug 1993 14:27:00 EST
Subject: No gnus is good gnus
Sender: Computer-assisted Reporting & <CARR-L@ULKYVM.BITNET>
To: Multiple recipients of list CARR-L <CARR-L@ULKYVM.BITNET>
Content-type: TEXT/PLAIN
Posting-date: Sun, 1 Aug 1993 00:00:00 EST
Importance: normal
A1-format:
A1-type: MAIL


Just because it is Sunday  :-)

=========  Forwarded  Message  ======
Date: Wed, 28 Jul 1993 21:42:02 -0500
Sender: mcwg9235@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu
Subject: no gnus is gud knews



Mother Lion and Father Lion had gone off hunting, and had told
their two children not to wander away.  However, a couple of
small gnus wandered by, and the baby lions could not resist the
temptation to try out their own hunting skills.  They ran out,
chased after the gnus, killed them, and started eating them.

Just as the baby lions were reaching the end of their meal, the
parents appeared in the distance.  One of the baby lions turned
to the other, and said:

"That is the end of the gnus.  Here again are the head lions."
Peter Moylan
(ohmygod--Ed)
---------------

Marsha Woodbury      marsha-w@uiuc.edu    U of Illinois/Urbana-Champaign

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