Digest for Monday, August 02, 1993
There are 15 messages totalling 363 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- an exerpt...
- Psycho
- British army.
- Nationality Jokes
- Car names...
- Rules for PASSWORD SELECTION
-
- Lines from Stand-up Comics
- Fortran code..
- Diving-n-Drinking Monkey (sexual content)
- Idea-Mildly sexual Text-Clean
- Lawyer joke
- another lion joke (bad pun/bad word)
- Creation of Black Holes
- American political humor
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Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1993 10:44:35 +0000
From: KondrotasS <kondrotass@RFERL.ORG>
Subject: an exerpt...
An exerpt from the speach delivered to the Lithuanian parlament by the
president of the Central Bank there:
"... all these people, breathing Lithuanian air, driving on Lithuanian
highways, they should feel obliged to do something for the country's budget!"
-- Saulius Kondrotas, Munich
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Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1993 11:26:50 +0000
From: KondrotasS <kondrotass@RFERL.ORG>
Subject: Psycho
During the Soviet years in Lithuania, there was a guy Romas Kalanta who burned
himself to death in protest to the Communist regime. The official reaction at
that time was that the guy's insane. Now, with Communists gone, a special
commision was formed to prove that Kalanta (who has become a national hero) was
sane and all right. So the commision (made of psichiatric experts) unburried
the 10 years old remains, examined them, and presented a official report that
Kalanta was in his own mind when he passed away. No problem.
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Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1993 11:07:30 BST
From: Derryck Lamptey <D.Lamptey@SHEFFIELD.AC.UK>
Subject: British army.
Apparently, an old british recruitment slogan for the army was:
"Join the army, travel the world.
Meet new peoples, and then kill them"
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Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1993 14:37:32 +0000
From: KondrotasS <kondrotass@RFERL.ORG>
Subject: Nationality Jokes
A man from the Far North (those people used to be called "choukcha" as I have
mentioned) comes to Moscow, to a conference of the Soviet Writers' Union.
Upon seeing him, a Russian participant expressed his surprise: "What are you
doing here? You barely can read, I guess!?"
And the choukcha answered: "It's the writers' conference, I suppose, not
readers'."
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Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1993 14:22:25 BST
From: Derryck Lamptey <D.Lamptey@SHEFFIELD.AC.UK>
Subject: Car names...
Anyone care to add some??
Names often mean different things in different languages:
e.g
(CARS)
Vauxhaul Nova: In spanish, NoVa means "it won't go"
Rolls Royce
Silver Mist: In Deutch Mist, is supposed to mean "dung"
Anymore??
Derryck.
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Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1993 12:23:56 -0400
From: Alex Tsekhansky <TSEKHANSKY@SCSUD.CTSTATEU.EDU>
Subject: Rules for PASSWORD SELECTION
/Gateways/Usenet/rec/humor/funny/RULES FOR THE SELECTION OF PASSWORDS
6939.3.3218.1 RULES FOR THE SELECTION OF PASSWORDS
7/3/92 16:30 61/2781 meulenbr@vdp-he.ce.philips.nl (Frans Meulenbroeks)
Lines 1 to 61 of 61 (100%)
-----
[Got this one from Piet Verbruggen. I think it is funny and instructive!]
CORPORATE DIRECTIVE NUMBER 88-570471
In order to increase the security of all company computing facilities,
and to avoid the possibility of unauthorized use of these facilities,
new rules are being put into effect concerning the selection of
passwords. All users of computing facilities are instructed to change
their passwords to conform to these rules immediately.
RULES FOR THE SELECTION OF PASSWORDS:
1. A password must be at least six characters long, and must not
contain two occurrences of a character in a row, or a sequence of two or
more characters from the alphabet in forward or reverse order. Example:
HGQQXP is an invalid password. GFEDCB is an invalid password.
2. A password may not contain two or more letters in the same position
as any previous password. Example: If a previous password was GKPWTZ,
then NRPWHS would be invalid because PW occurs in the same position in
both passwords.
3. A password may not contain the name of a month or an abbreviation
for a month. Example: MARCHBC is an invalid password. VWMARBC is an
invalid password.
4. A password may not contain the numeric representation of a month.
Therefore, a password containing any number except zero is invalid.
Example: WKBH3LG is invalid because it contains the numeric
representation for the month of March.
5. A password may not contain any words from any language. Thus, a
password may not contain the letters A, or I, or sequences such as AT,
ME, or TO because these are all words.
6. A password may not contain sequences of two or more characters which
are adjacent to each other on a keyboard in a horizontal, vertical, or
diagonal direction. Example: QWERTY is an invalid password. GHNLWT is
an invalid password because G and H are horizontally adjacent to each
other. HUKWVM is an invalid password because H and U are diagonally
adjacent to each other.
7. A password may not contain the name of a person, place, or thing.
Example: JOHNBOY is an invalid password.
Because of the complexity of the password selection rules, there is
actually only one password which passes all the tests. To make the
selection of this password simpler for the user, it will be distributed
to all supervisors. All users are instructed to obtain this password
from his or her supervisor and begin using it immediately.
----
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Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1993 10:48:52 -0600
From: Chester Hodges <CHESTER@OJC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject: <No Subject Given>
There was a farmer who had three daughters.
One night A man came to the door.
He said, "Hi I'm Freedy I'm here to take Betty to eat spaghetti." So Freddy
left with Betty.
Another man came to the door.
He said, "Hi I'm Lou I'm here to take Sue to the zoo." So Lou left with Sue.
A third man came to the doo.
He said "Hi, I'm Chuck...." And the farmer shot him.
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Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1993 13:06:50 -0400
From: Sharon Rondeau <SKR2@PSUADMIN.BITNET>
Subject: Lines from Stand-up Comics
David Seinfeld: People's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is
death. This means, to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral,
you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
Denis Leary: Nonsmokers love these little facts...Smoking takes 10 years
off your life. Well, it's the ten worst years, isn't it folks? The ones at
the end! It's the wheelchair, the adult diaper, kidney dialysis years. You
can have 'em!
Tim Allen: If it ain't broke, you probably still can fix it.
Rita Rudner: In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
George Burns: I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my
name's not there, I eat breakfast.
Paula Poundstone: I dont' like sex. The only way I could get married is if I
married a Mormon, so there'd be enough wives and someone could take my shift.
Janeane Garofalo: My hell will be the Stairmaster ring of Dante's Inferno.
Dennis Miller: Manson kills 14 people and he's on TV more than I am.
SNL: Weekend Update...The first 1800 US troops sent into Somalia today have
just been eaten. More on that as it develops.
Jay Leno: In Connecticut, a prisoner on death row has gone on a hunger
strike...here's a problem that pretty much takes care of itself.
Richard Jeni: X-rated movies should be called Stuff That Never Happens to
You Ever.
Richard Belzer: You know you're at a 90's party when someone says, "I heard
this great book."
Elayne Boosler: I tried Slim-Fast. A delicious shake in the morning, then
migraines and diarrhea for the rest of the day.
Richard Lewis: You don't want to be in bed with somebody who says, "I'll
race you to sleep."
Louie Anderson: When you're getting pulled over, where do you pull over?
Somebody said, "Pull over to a safe spot." So, I drove home.
Gallagher: I know why God made babies cute...so we won't kill 'em.
George Wallace: There should be an airline for fat people. The motto:
"Doing our best to get your big ass off the ground."
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Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1993 18:08:20 BST
From: Derryck Lamptey <D.Lamptey@SHEFFIELD.AC.UK>
Subject: Fortran code..
Spotted hidden in around 75,000 lines of fortran code:
......
CALL ReadChar(InFile,'FBUM',FBUM,ErrNo) <<<
CALL ReadChar(InFile,'FPAR',FPAR,ErrNo)
CALL ReadChar(InFile,'FSLUT',FSLUT,ErrNo) <<<
CALL ReadChar(InFile,'FBSF',FBSF,ErrNo)
.....
Derryck.
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Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1993 13:42:05 EST
From: ROBERT RYAN <ROBERT_RYAN@CCMAIL.GSFC.NASA.GOV>
Subject: Diving-n-Drinking Monkey (sexual content)
The other day there was a strange accident on the local interstate,
where the only survivor was a monkey. A man and a woman were found
in the back seat dead. The state trooper at the scene, commented
to his partner, while looking at the monkey "If that monkey could
talk, we would know what happened here". The monkey suddenly
started shaking his head up and down, as if to say "I CAN I CAN".
The state trooper walked over to the monkey and said "Do you
understand me". The monkey started shaking his head up and down
vigorously. The state trooper could not believe his eyes, but asked
the monkey "What happened here ?". The monkey pantomimed holding a
bottle up to his lips. The state trooper asked "Where they
drinking". Up and down the monkey's head went repeatedly. "What
else can you tell me?" said the trooper. The monkey held his index
finger and middle finger to his lips. "Where they smoking dope?"
Yes yes yes motioned the monkey. "What else" said the trooper. The
monkey took his index finger and plunged it back and forth through
a circle formed by his other hand. "They were screwing" said the
trooper. The trooper looked back at his partner and said "What I
don't understand is who was driving?". The monkey took hold of
the steering wheel, turned his head looking back over his right
shoulder with a big grin on his face.
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Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1993 13:43:27 EDT
From: ADKO000 Kathleen Olivier - Computer Center <ADKO@NMUMUS.BITNET>
Subject: Idea-Mildly sexual Text-Clean
What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac
and a housewife?
The prostitute says "Are you through yet?" while the
nymphomaniac says "Is that all there is?" and the
housewife says "Beige.....I think I'll paint the ceiling
beige."
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Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1993 13:55:00 -05
From: Sara Kendall <SKENDALL@IVY.BITNET>
Subject: Lawyer joke
You know why lawyers don't eat pretzels?
Because the salt makes them shrivel up.
Sara Kendall skendall@ivy.bitnet
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Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1993 17:18:00 EST
From: Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 446-2858 <KENNEDS@MAIL.FIRN.EDU>
Subject: another lion joke (bad pun/bad word)
Speaking of lion jokes:
A mighty lion escaped from the zoo. He rampaged. He frightened
the populace. He ate an editor, but people still wanted him
caught. Then he ate a prostitute and fell asleep.
Waking up in his cage, he groggily asked "What happened?"
"Don't you know?" asked his lioness. "That was a bar bitch
you ate."
-- Ken Laws
(As told to my brother, more or less, by a nun at his nursing school.)
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Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1993 19:58:34 MST
From: Brian Rawlings <RAMBO@CSLABS1.CS.BYU.EDU>
Subject: Creation of Black Holes
A black hole is what happens when God divides by zero.
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Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1993 22:17:19 EDT
From: Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET>
Subject: American political humor
Political humor via *The Santa Cruz Comic News*
---(Kirschen)---
American: Just a few years ago Russia was a real threat to the
West.
American: And now we've got practically nothing to fear from
Moscow.
Voice of doubt: Uh ... what do you mean practically nothing to
fear.
American: I mean ... other than their trying to borrow money
from us.
---(Toles)---
The West: Fiercely independent region of the US, where the
proud traditions of welfare logging, welfare mining and
welfare ranching continue to this very day. Defenders of the
great democratic principle: one man, two senators. (Sign:
Federal Lands--Taxpayer subsidized).
---(Kirk)---
Reagan: And if we hadn't supported rapists, murderers and
torturers in El Salvador, the country could have been taken
over by communists!
---(unknown)---
Why the Senator is named Sam Nunn:
How many homosexuals should be allowed in the military? Nunn.
How many homosexuals should be allowed to be teachers? Nunn.
How many of your friends are homosexuals? Nunn.
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