Digest for Tuesday, August 03, 1993
There are 22 messages totalling 546 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- To Lorelei E. Peters
- Apocalypses Now
- Allegory
- two cats
- Exerpt from Horror film..
- Sexist (with sex, of course)
- myth
- Flying Farmer (rated G)
- Train (R)
- Shells
-
- Sign
- George Carlin on Abortion
- Sign
- Boiled rice served with sauce
- Life 2.2 A collection of clean humor gather seven years ago
- A whale of an undertaking
- stories with a moral (PG-13) (violence)
- an even worse moral story
- My favorite limerick
- Another Sign
- potato joke (clean but a real groaner)
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Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 09:40:15 +0000
From: KondrotasS <kondrotass@RFERL.ORG>
Subject: To Lorelei E. Peters
You can't signoff from this list, ever! Nobody can. That's the humor.
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Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 10:04:08 +0000
From: KondrotasS <kondrotass@RFERL.ORG>
Subject: Apocalypses Now
Maybe it's not that funny at all. I was sitting with my coffee this morning and
looking at the casualty insurers' financial ranking tables when it occured to
me that, in fact, what I am looking at is a proof the society as a whole has
become secular. For if people believed in God, they would have to believe in
Apocalypses, too. And if they believed in Apocalypses they would surely try to
get insured against it. The casualty insurers would perform better and so would
my stock. We definitelly should do something to improve that religious
education.
-- Saul (Munich)
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Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 05:56:34 EST
From: Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Allegory <Mulla>
UNDERSTANDING ALLEGORY
Nasrudin is sitting among a circle of discipline, when one of
them asks him the relationship between things of this world and
things of a different dimension. Nasrudin says, "You must
understand allegory." The disciple says, "Show me something
practical--for instance an apple from Paradise."
Nasrudin picks up an apple and hands it to the man. "But this
apple is bad on one side," cries the disciple, "surely a heavenly
apple would be perfect."
"A Celestial apple would be perfect," says Nasrudin, "but as far
as you are able to judge it, situated as we are in this abode of
corruption, and with your present faculties, this is as near to a
heavenly apple as you will ever get."
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Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 10:32:51 GMT
From: lory <AIELLOL@IMIHSRA.BITNET>
Subject: two cats
there are two man and two cats.
One man says: i want this cat but how can i acknowledge my cat tomorrow?
The other man answers: We could make a color sign up your cat|
-"No it is not a good idea"
-"We could cut an ear at your cat|"
-"No it is not a good idea"
-"We could cut the tail at your cat|"
-"No it is not a good idea"
-"We could cut a leg|"
-"No it is not a good idea"
-"We could cut the tongue|"
-"No it is not a good idea"
Now the first man is very furious, he takes away a cat and he shouts:
"STOP| I TAKE THE WHITE CAT AND YOU TAKE THE BLACK CAT||||".
email: AIELLOL@IMIHSRA.BITNET
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Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 10:46:30 BST
From: Derryck Lamptey <D.Lamptey@SHEFFIELD.AC.UK>
Subject: Exerpt from Horror film..
From Phantasm II,
The nasty says to a terrified "victim-to-be":
"You think when you die you go to heaven...
YOU COME TO ME!"
Derryck.
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Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 13:32:12 +0000
From: KondrotasS <kondrotass@RFERL.ORG>
Subject: Sexist (with sex, of course)
Found in the New York Times, Business Section:
Did you hear about the baby born the other day with both sexes?
It had a penis AND a brain.
---------
My inner macho wouldn't allow me to use it as it is, so I replace penis vith
vagina. Still, it works fine.
-- Saul (Munich)
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Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 07:49:30 CDT
From: Ed Johnson <EJOHNSO3@UA1VM.BITNET>
Subject: myth
So, if the rape myth is not true, why do we keep re-electing democratic
congresses? --Ed Johnson
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Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 08:52:10 EST
From: ROBERT RYAN <ROBERT_RYAN@CCMAIL.GSFC.NASA.GOV>
Subject: Flying Farmer (rated G)
A farmer and his wife went to a county fair and were fascinated by a
barnstorming pilot who was offering rides for $25. The farmer had never
seen a plane close up and he certainly had never ridden in one.
"I'll tell you what," said the pilot, "if you and your wife can ride
in the plane with me and not utter a single sound during the whole ride, I'll
let you ride for free. Otherwise, you pay. How about it?"
The farmer agreed and soon they were in the air. The pilot was
determined to make his passengers shriek in terror. He did loops and flips
and everything else he could think of, but the two passengers sitting behind
him never made a sound.
After the ride, as the farmer was climbing out of the plane, the
young pilot told the old man, "I really am surprised, but as I said, you
ride for free. I can't believe that you managed to keep silent for the
whole ride."
"Yep," said the farmer, "but it was pretty tough. I almost screamed
when my wife fell out."
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Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 15:35:52 +0000
From: KondrotasS <kondrotass@RFERL.ORG>
Subject: Train (R)
An older priest and a young couple take a ride on a train. After a while, the
couple disappears onto the upper bunk leaving the priest below. The priest
hears some giggling and pretty soon a bit of something whitish drops down on
his sleeve.
He looks at it and ask suspiciously, "Are you fucking up there?"
"Why we're eating ice-cream!"
Relaxed, the priest picks the substance with his finger and licks it off.
Again, a drop of same size falls onto his sleeve. He picks it with a finger,
licks it and says, "Are you going to finish that ice-cream of yours?"
"Why we're fucking!"
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Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 10:47:43 -0400
From: Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: Shells
I read in this week's Science News how scientists are discovering ways
to use the stuff that comes from the shells of crabs, shrimp, etc.
Hmm, wouldn't that be unethical? I mean, that's chitin, isn't it?
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Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 10:05:42 -0600
From: Chester Hodges <CHESTER@OJC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject: <No Subject Given>
What's the definition of a perfect woman?
a) She's 3 feet tall, has a round hole for a mouth, and her head is flat so
you can put a pint glass on it.
b) The sports model has pull back ears and her teeth fold in.
c) The economy model f---s all evening and at midnight turns into a roast beef
sandwich and a six pack.
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Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 11:29:44 CDT
From: Scott P. Muir <SMUIR@UA1VM.BITNET>
Subject: Sign
I saw this in a store this weekend.
Children Left Unattended will be Sold as Slaves.
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Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 11:32:00 CDT
From: Mike Weatherred <CUBSFAN@KSUVM.BITNET>
Subject: George Carlin on Abortion
''You ever notice that most of the people who are against abortion are
people you wouldn't want to f--- in the first place????''
--from George Carlin
''What Am I Doin' in New Jersey''
mjw
Kansas State University
bitnet: CUBSFAN@KSUVM
internet: CUBSFAN@KSUVM.KSU.EDU
''It is far better to have tried and failed at K-State than to have
graduated from KU.''
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Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 11:38:15 -0500
From: David Gamble <dgamble@GWYNE.NLU.EDU>
Subject: Sign
This sign is posted at the check out stand of a convience store at my school.
"Need a penny, take a penny, need two pennies, get a job."
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Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 16:46:51 GMT
From: Roberto Bendotti <BENDOTR@IMIHSRA.BITNET>
Subject: Boiled rice served with sauce
One couple falls in love , the day of their marriage they take an oath:
"For every betrayal we put a grain of rice in a box ".
After some years the husband on the dead bed ask hopeless to the wife:
"Can we open the box now ? "
The wife answer: " Are you sure ? "
-"yes, i am very sure, it is my last replay "
The wife runs to the house to take the box, then with the husband opens the
box and there are four grains of rice.
The husband ask pardon because three grains are yours , the wife answer :
"Don't worry Harold , I HAVE ALREADY COOKED TWO TIMES BOILED RICE ||| ".
"HA HA HA HA HA"
email: Bendotr@imihsra.bitnet
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Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 10:04:49 PDT
From: hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life 2.2 A collection of clean humor gather seven years ago
-----------------------------------------------------------------
There was this girl who was such an airhead that she thought 'nirvana' was
where Wheel of Fortune contestants stand.... (Groan!)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A visitor to one of the Aleutian Islands, off Alaska, broke his glasses.
He was told by his guide that he couldn't get the glasses repaired until
he returned to Anchorage.
"You mean there aren't any optometrists on the island?" said the man.
"If you see one," replied the guide, "it will just be an optical Aleutian.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Why do seagulls live near the sea?
Because if they lived near the bay, they'd be called bagels.
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There was a pediatrician--who shall remain nameless--who, though he was a
good doctor, was heartily disliked by all his young patients because in an
effort to entertain them he performed boring magic tricks.
One day, a sharp kid got an idea for getting rid of the jerk. As Dr. X
was doing his tricks, the kid said -If you're such a good magician, let's
see you turn yourself into an apple.- The doctor complied, and quick as
a wink, the brat took & shoved the apple into a box & taped the lid shut. And
the children were jubulient because they figured they had him out of their way.
Then someone had a troubling thought. -How do we know he's still really
in there?- he asked. -That's easy- said the kid, -Just weigh the box.
If it weighs less, it means he's escaped.- So that was what they did.
A weigh a day keeps the doctor an apple.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint. It is
reported that both crews have been marooned.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The Basques and the Spaniards were tearing up the countryside with one of
their endless wars when the Basques chased the Spaniards into a box canyon.
Thinking that they had trapped the enemy, the Basques fortified the only
entrance hoping to starve the Spaniards into submission. After weeks of
waiting, the Basques were surprised by an attack on their rear and soundly
defeated: the clever Spaniards had found another way out! The moral of the
story is, of course, DON'T PUT ALL OF YOUR BASQUES IN ONE EXIT.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
An English baker opened a bakery in a resort area in Northwest Africa. He
featured his two specialties, traditional scones and fresh brown rolls.
For his grand opening, he offered a sample of both of his specialties free
with any purchase. Despite this appealing promotion, his grand opening was
a failure. For while he attracted some of the tourists in the area, none
of the local people patronized his bakery, with the exception of the reporter
for the local newspaper, who filed the following headline:
"A Roll and Scone Gathers no Moors."
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Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 11:11:00 MDT
From: Spit Bounces <TFIELD@UNMB.BITNET>
Subject: A whale of an undertaking
How do you circumcise a whale?
Four skin divers.
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Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 11:11:00 EDT
From: Musat, Bob <bmusat%oscs@IBM4381.ONET.EDU>
Subject: stories with a moral (PG-13) (violence)
these are pretty bad. no, really. they're groaners and then some!
every day, this panhandler would always stood on the same street corner. and
every day, the same well-dressed gentleman would pass by, on his way to work.
the panhandler always asked for two dollars for a meal, and the gentleman
always gave it to him and never even thought about it.
finally, with winter coming, the panhandler figures that he could just ask for
a larger sum, and then he wouldn't have to stand outside in the snow and cold.
the following day, when the gentleman came by, the panhandler asked for $500!
well, the gentleman was outraged! he not only did not give the panhandler
his usual two dollars, but declared that he would never give the man another
cent!
with the loss of this regular income, the panhandler eventually died of
starvation.
which just goes to show...
you should never put all your begs into one askit! :)
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all the counts of the kingdom got together to overthrow the king. they
formed a pact of secrecy and swore that none would ever give away the names
of the others.
having found out a few of the names from one of the count's squire, who was
very loyal to the king.
one by one, the king summonned the counts and interrogated them upon penalty
of death to disclose the names of the other counts, in which case they would
be spared their lives.
one, particular count wasn't too sure about whether the names of his
accomplices were worth his head, but he kept silent right up to the axman's
block.
with his hands tied behind his back, and his head down on the block, the ax
was raised.
just as the executioner was bringing the ax down, the count shouted, "no!
wait! i'll talk!" ...but to no avail. the ax fell and that was that.
which just goes to show...
you shouldn't hatchet your counts before they chicken. :)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
a dastardly knave, who was so poor that he was only able to build himself a
tiny, one-room house made of grass, had a fairly bizarre compulsion: he
liked to steal the thrones out of the castles of surrounding kingdoms.
the mystery grew, day by day, because this knave was so clever. he would
pilfer by day; he would pilfer by night. he would creep in quietly; he
would walk in brazenly while the royal family was out on a hunt. but he
never got caught.
finally, one day, all the thrones that he had stolen (and had hidden away in
his house) became too much for the frail, grass walls of his house to bear.
they crashed through the walls and fell all about his property. a passing
knight errant saw what happened, reported to his king what he had seen, and
the poor knave was put to death for his deeds.
which just goes to show...
people who live in grass houses shouldn't stole thrones! :)
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Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 14:47:54 EDT
From: Sammie L. Foss <SLF@UGA.BITNET>
Subject: an even worse moral story
there was this black man who always wanted to be white.
one day he found a genie, who said that he would grant him 3 wishes.
the man promply wished that the genie make him
(1) white
(2) uptight
(3) out of sight
the genie turned him into a tampon.
which goes to show......
there are always strings attached.
BARF,
Sammie
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Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 15:15:10 EDT
From: BETH WOODELL <woodell@UMUC.UMD.EDU>
Subject: My favorite limerick
I'm sure you covered limericks before I got here, but here's my favorite
anyway. Before I tell you, you should know that in the study of law there is
a Latin saying--"De minimis non curat lex"--translating roughly as 'the law
does not concern itself with trifles.' Or so I am told.
There once was a young man named Rex,
Cursed with a diminutive organ of sex.
When charged with exposure
He replied with composure,
"De minimis non curat lex."
Beth Woodell
University of Maryland
woodell@umuc.umd.edu
Walking proof that gentlemen do NOT prefer blondes
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Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 15:56:35 -0400
From: Sharon Rondeau <SKR2@PSUADMIN.BITNET>
Subject: Another Sign
*MISSING*
Husband, Shotgun
and Dog
Reward for Dog
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Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 15:45:00 EST
From: Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 446-2858 <KENNEDS@MAIL.FIRN.EDU>
Subject: potato joke (clean but a real groaner)
--Boundary (ID nn6+y46MrS7ynJ/5UfrN/g)
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Date: Sun, 1 Aug 1993 19:28:00 EST
Subject: Re: No gnus is good gnus
Sender: Computer-assisted Reporting & <CARR-L@ULKYVM.BITNET>
To: Multiple recipients of list CARR-L <CARR-L@ULKYVM.BITNET>
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Posting-date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 00:00:00 EST
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::ahem::
There was once a family of potatoes: the father potato, the mother potato,
and their three potato daughters.
One day the eldest potato daughter came home and said, "Oh mother, oh
father, I am to be wed!"
"To who, daughter?" they asked.
"To the King of the Tator Tots!"
The potato parents were elated at the news. "Oh joy!" they cried out.
"We will be royalty, and have riches far beyond our wildest dreams!"
The next day the middle potato daughter came home and said, "Oh mother, oh
father, I am to be wed!"
"To who, daughter?" they asked.
"To the Emperor of the Golden Yams!"
Once again the parents could not contain their glee. "Hurrah!" they
exclaimed. "We will be amongst the most powerful potatos in the entire
kingdom!"
The next day the youngest potato daughter came home and said, "Oh mother,
oh father, I too am to be wed!"
The potato parents were absolutely astonished. How much better could
their lives actually get? "Tell us, daughter," they implored, wide-eyed
and hopeful, "who are you to wed?"
"I'm gonna marry John Chancellor!"
The smile fell from the faces of the potato parents as they looked at each
other, nonplussed. Then the father potato looked back at his youngest
daughter and said, "John Chancellor? But....he's such a..._common_ tater!"
___________________________________________________________
Aaron Dickey kieran@phantom.com
More insomniacs subscribe to World News Now than to any
other mailing list! wnn-request@world.std.com
--Boundary (ID nn6+y46MrS7ynJ/5UfrN/g)--
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