Digest for Wednesday, August 04, 1993
There are 15 messages totalling 443 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Re: an even worse moral story
- Rasist (mild)
- Rasist (strong)
- Flea experiment (offensive)
- Russian Jokes
- Difference between (both vulgar & insensitive)
- Clintonomics
- gates humor (G)
- Commuter Joke (inoffensive)
- Final Cut (R)
- Re: My favorite limerick- Offensive to Most!
- boreland -- this may be true! (adult language)
- some humorous advice for lovers
- Pygmies & women
- letter to congressman/one bad word
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Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1993 10:13:01 +0000
From: KondrotasS <kondrotass@RFERL.ORG>
Subject: Re: an even worse moral story
>there was this black man who always wanted to be white.
>one day he found a genie, who said that he would grant him 3 wishes.
>the man promply wished that the genie make him
> (1) white
> (2) uptight
> (3) out of sight
>the genie turned him into a tampon.
>
>which goes to show......
> there are always strings attached.
>
>BARF,
> Sammie
----------------------------------
There is another version of this. The black wanted to be white and see a lot of
pussies. The genie turned him into bidet.
-- Saul (Munich)
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Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1993 10:41:06 +0000
From: KondrotasS <kondrotass@RFERL.ORG>
Subject: Rasist (mild)
A white man comes from England to South Africa. He is looking for a hotel but
all the hotels are full so he makes up his mind to try out a hotel for blacks.
They have beds all right, but there is one problem: under the law, a white man
cannot sleep in a blacks' hotel. Since it's getting late in the night, the
receptionist has an advise to offer:
"Take this shoe-wax, rub it into your face, neck, and hands - so that nobody
could tell you from a black - and I'll give you a bed for one night. I'll wake
you up at dawn, you wash the wax off and leave the hotel before anyone
notices."
The man does what he was told.
Early in the morning, the receptionist wakes the customer up. He goes to the
bathroom and tries to wash the wax off but nothing happens. Horrified, he
scrubs and brushes, there is no more soap left, but no way, he's still
black...
... For the receptionist woke up the wrong man.
-- Saul (Munich)
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Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1993 09:56:04 BST
From: Derryck Lamptey <D.Lamptey@SHEFFIELD.AC.UK>
Subject: Rasist (strong)
Two South African Police were on patrol,
(In the strong days of passbooks, etc)
and they came across a black boy of around
12. He was out of his area, and one of the
policemen urged him to get home asap.
He started running, and the second policeman
took out his bazooka and shot the black boy
in the back.
The first one said:
"Why did you do that?"
The second one replied:
"I know where he lives, and he would never have
been able to get there before curfew"
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Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1993 10:54:59 METDST
From: Ing. Jan Kucera <kuc@FCE.VUTBR.CS>
Subject: Flea experiment (offensive)
WARNING! May be felt as offensive by the Russians!
A great Russian scientist Ivan Ivanowich Ivanow made experiments with a flea.
He said: "Jump, flea!" and it jumped 40 centimetres high.
So he took a pencil (a big Russian invention) and put the following record
in the experimental log: "I said: 'Jump,flea!' and it jumped 40 cm."
Then he tore off one of the flea's legs. He said: "Jump, flea!" and it jumped
30 centimetres high. He recorded: "When I tore off one leg, the flea jumped
30 cm."
Then he continued tearing off other legs and the flea jumped 20, 10, and 2
centimeters high, respectively. Everything was recorded in the log book.
When only 1 leg remained, the poor flea jumped only 1 millimeter and a half
high. Again, it was recorded.
Finally he tore off the last leg. He said: "Jump, flea!". No response. He
said again (in a high voice): "Jump, flea!". Nothing. He shouted: "Jump,
flea!!!!!". The flea did not move.
So Ivan Ivanowich Ivanow took a pencil for the last time and wrote:
"I tore off all flea's legs and it cannot hear."
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Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1993 10:59:02 EDT
From: Ron Chibnik <chibnik@REACH.COM>
Subject: Russian Jokes
>From: ykk1@Ra.MsState.Edu (Yury K. Kryschenko)
Organization: Mississippi State University
Gorbachev came to one Siberian village. The only one he saw there was
old, very old man. He asked this old man, where all the people were.
Old man answered that all of them are it taiga. Gorbachev asked him
to call people back, because he wants to talk to common people.
Old man took his gun and fired into air. In a half of an hour
several men appeared and asked old man:"what's the matter, did
somebody brought vodka"-"No, Gorbachev came". All men , disappointed,
go back to taiga. But Gorby was not satisfied with this and asks
old man to fire again. He did it and again, in a half of an hour,
several man appeared
"What's happening, did somebody brought vodka?"
"no, Gorbachev came"
"Did you missed the first time?"
----------------
Andropov, the head of Soviet Union after Brezhnev, had been dead
for 3 minutes. He was taken in Heavens and met Brznev there.
Andropov asked him: "What shall I take with me to heavens when
I'm completely dead?" and Breznew answered him "nothing, but
fork and spoon" "Why? " - said Andropov - "You know"-
continued Brezhnew -"when Hitler is on duty in the kitchen,
he makes me and Khruschev eat with hammer and sickle"
----------------
Once a communist party functioner came to collective farm
and tald farmers about the life in next 20-30 years, when
communism will be built. He says: "Ewereyone of you will
have your own helicopter or plane". "Why do we need it?"
- asked one old woman. "don't you understand? let's say
they have no bread in the store near you. You get into
your plane, and go to Moscow!"
----------------
>From: mxk4576@ritvax.isc.rit.edu
Organization: Rochester Institute of Technology
"I like collecting jokes about myself." Says Carter to Brezhnev. "I
have already collected three volumes."
"I also enjoy collecting jokes about myself." Answers Brezhnev. "I
have already collected three full prisons."
And one more:
Q: What would happen if communists conquered the Sahara?
A: Nothing for the first five years, and then they would run out of sand.
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Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1993 12:58:54 -0400
From: Brian K. Auger <bauger@CAP.GWU.EDU>
Subject: Difference between (both vulgar & insensitive)
What is the difference between a prostitute with diarrhea and an epilectic
oysterman?
Well---one shucks between fits...
Brian K. Auger bauger@cap.gwu.edu
Montgomery County Department of Public Libraries
ROCKVILLE REGIONAL LIBRARY
99 Maryland Avenue 301 217 3857
Rockville, Maryland USA 20850 301 217 3931 (fax)
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Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1993 13:36:59 CDT
From: Ed Johnson <EJOHNSO3@UA1VM.BITNET>
Subject: Clintonomics
Did you hear the President's speech last night where he was promoting his new
budget? Great stuff. He balances it by taxing us retroactively, and the tax
cuts don't come until 1997. (Didn't I see this done in Time Square with a pea
and three shells?) Hey, I like this Clinton stuff. Let's apply it to Congress
as well. My incumbent can count on my vote, as long as it's not counted before
the tax cuts take effect in 1997, otherwise he can take his retirement, retro-
actively.
--Ed Johnson
University of Alabama
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Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1993 12:19:46 -0700
From: S., James <JAMES@UCRAC1.UCR.EDU>
Subject: gates humor (G)
From: SMTP%"OS2-L@HEARN.nic.SURFnet.nl" 4-AUG-1993 12:16:32.19
To: JAMES
CC:
Subj: Humor: More tastefull Gates Humor, OK so don't read it.
Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1993 12:07:30 PDT
Sender: IBM OS/2 Unedited Discussion List <OS2-L@HEARN.nic.SURFnet.nl>
From: "Bruce A. Miller (x2380)" <9118MILL%UCSBVM.bitnet@HEARN.nic.SURFnet.nl>
Subject: Humor: More tastefull Gates Humor, OK so don't read it.
To: Multiple recipients of list OS2-L <OS2-L@HEARN.nic.SURFnet.nl>
Got the following passed on from Source Unknown. OK, so its not
as amusing as Adaptech adaptors or some such. Just send your complaints
direct to me..
===========
Monday morning God decided that the world had reached the point of no return.
So, he called Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates to the gates of
heaven. He informed them of his decision and told them to go back to their
people and prepare them for the end of the world on Thursday.
Boris Yeltsin gets on state television and tells his people that he has bad
news and worse news. After decades of telling the Soviet citizens that there
is no God, he now realizes that he was wrong. He has seen God with his own
eyes. Worse yet, God has decided to destroy the world and each person needs to
prepare for Thursday as each sees fit.
Bill Clinton calls a press conference and says that he has good news and bad
news. After centuries of telling the US citizens that there is a God, he has
proof that we've been right. He has seen God with his own eyes. But the bad
news is that God has decided to destroy the world and each person needs to
prepare for Thursday as each sees fit.
Bill Gates calls an all-hands meeting. He says that he has wonderful news and
even more wonderful news. God, by calling him to the gates of heaven with the
leaders of the two most powerful nations in the world, has just confirmed how
important Bill Gates really is. The even better news is that on Thursday, IBM
will stop shipping OS/2.
----------- End Forwarded Message -----------
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Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1993 15:49:18 EST
From: Peter Greenberg <AISPG@CUVMC.BITNET>
Subject: Commuter Joke (inoffensive)
Two commuters see each other every day on the train station for 14 years and
have never said a word to each other. Finally, one commuter addresses the
other: "You know, for 14 years, we see each other every day and we've never
once spoken."
Other commuter says, "You're right. That really is terrible. So, tell me,
how are you?"
First commuter says, "Oy, don't ask!"
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Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1993 14:41:57 MST
From: Phil Corless <APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET>
Subject: Final Cut (R)
From Entertainment Weekly magazine:
By now everyone has heard about the Manassas, Va., man whose
wife, claiming he had raped her, cut off his penis with a
kitchen knife. A team of surgeons successfully re-attached
the offending member, but there's an even happier outcome:
Now the unidentified spouses are trying to sell TV-movie
rights to the story. Naturally, they're going to need a
title, and, for their consideration, Entertainment Weekly
would like to make a few suggestions:
Cutter and Bone
Bye Bye Birdie
Farewell My Lovely
She's Gotta Have It
Divorce American Style
Little Man Tate
Return of the Pink Panther
Poetic Justice
Pee-Wee's Big Adventure
The Unbearable Lightness of Being
You Can't Take It With You
Where's Poppa?
Free Willy
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Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1993 19:31:30 -0400
From: Lee Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Re: My favorite limerick- Offensive to Most!
Beth Woodell's limerick reminds me of my favorite:
Betty Sue's masturbational style
Was enhanced by Frenchified guile.
She used a weiner;
It was neater and cleaner.
Now, she's a confirmed francophile.
Lee Bradley
Assistant Professor of -- you guessed it! -- French
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Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1993 17:22:05 -0700
From: S., James <JAMES@UCRAC1.UCR.EDU>
Subject: boreland -- this may be true! (adult language)
Subj: Brain behind Borland's most popular C++ compiler laid off !
Date: Wed, 4 Aug 93 13:54:20 PDT
From: Jules.Damji@eng.sun.com (Jules Damji)
--Microsoft must have an insider at Borland to find out so quickly.
Talk about fuck ups!
Subj: Brain behind Borland's most popular C++ compiler laid off !
* ---------------------------------------------
* From PCWeek July 13, 1993
*
* During a round of lay-offs at Borland recently, the man behind the
* company's slick new C++ compiler was surprised and more than a little
* miffed to get a letter saying that his was one of the heads to roll. So
* he packed his bags and made for the car park. Days later, Borland's
* personnel dept realized that there had been a minor administrative error.
* They hadn't meant to sack the most technially brilliant chap at the
* company after all - just someone with the same surname. Philip Kahn got
* on the phone in person offering copious apologies and an even fatter
* salary than ever if he were to agree to return.
*
* "F**K you - Microsoft called 2 hours after I left. I start on Monday,"
* came the reply.
*
********
an update to the Borland story.....
From: Denis Gilbert(Microsoft)
I can help clear this up:
The article is referring to Sin Lew, the lead who almost
single-handedly wrote the Bore-land 32-bit optimizer and back end,
shipping in Borland's OS/2 product and currently holding up their NT
product. He was laid off in December and, yes, I was on the phone
within the hour and hired him.
He's the lead on our PowerPC compiler project and really smoking.
Because of his contribution, we'll be demoing MS Apps running native on
Mac/PowerPC the day Apple announces their new systems.
This, in my opinion, ranks as one of Borland's biggest fuck-ups ever.
* * *
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Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1993 20:24:10 EDT
From: Bill Edwards <BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET>
Subject: some humorous advice for lovers
Don't keep telling the lady you are unworthy of her. Let is be a
complete surprise. (Catskill Mountain News of Margaretville, NY)
Cupid's darts hurt more coming out than going in. (Arizona Silver Belt,
Miami Arizona)
A sensible girl is more sensible than she looks, because a sensible girl
is too sensible to look sensible. (Tribune, Chanute, Kansas)
Our high school junior girl, who really settled down during the last
semester to improve her mind, says she's sorry she did, because most of
the boys she knows began to seem stupid. (Graphic, Lake City, Iowa)
The moon not only pulls the ocean back and forth in the tides, but it
stops cars on side roads. (Farmer's Press, Towner, N.D.)
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Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1993 21:41:52 EST
From: Herman Archie <HERMAN@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Pygmies & women <very crude, cute double pun>
What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a women's
track team?
Well, a tribe of pygmies is a bunch of cunning little runts! :-)
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Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1993 23:03:00 EST
From: Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 446-2858 <KENNEDS@MAIL.FIRN.EDU>
Subject: letter to congressman/one bad word
I was rooting through some files, and came across this photocopy of what
appears to be a letter to a congressman from an elderly lady...
Dear Congressman Tyler:
I want to thank you for helping me get my increase in my S.S.I.
payment. I had enough money left last month to buy me a radio. It is so
much company to me. I have been here in the Stockton nursing home since my
dear husband passed away 3 years ago. I never have any visitors so my new
radio means a lot to me. Mrs. Pearl Carnes, who lives in the next room,
has had a radio since she came here 2 years ago but she would never let me
listen to it. She is 85 years old and I will be 83 March 3. Lask week,
her radio fell off the table and broke and she asked me if she could listen
to mine and I said fuck you.
Sincerely yours & may God bless you,
Maud Davis
***
Shirl
kenneds@firnvx.firn.edu
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