Digest for Thursday, September 02, 1993
There are 15 messages totalling 457 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Inhalation...
- very short but sexual poem
- Re: Inhalation...
- Story: More About the Life of a Dean
- On meeting death
- His & hers humor; my view of life in college (foul language)
- "Question for Mary" clean, may offend some christians
- Graduate School
- Mens room humor: Warning ! Not for women.
- A Brief Article (sort of potentially mildly offensive)
- Homosexual humor
- rich b*****d (*language*)
- dirty jokes
- Slightly humorous quote
- Homer and Heidi
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Date: Thu, 2 Sep 1993 09:24:50 BST
From: Derryck Lamptey <D.Lamptey@SHEFFIELD.AC.UK>
Subject: Inhalation...
I am sure lots of fun can be had from the
"but I didnt inhale " phrase. Such as:
Q: Have you ever done math ?
A: Yes, but I didnot inhale.
i.e. You can excuse yourself from *anything* by
not inhaling!! Anyone has any other (more humourous)
scenarios?
Derryck.
"Always borrow money from a pessimist. A real pessimist
will not expect to get the money back".
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Date: Thu, 2 Sep 1993 10:35:38 +0200
From: Joerg Findeisen CEDAR <find@PAN.CEDAR.UNIVIE.AC.AT>
Subject: very short but sexual poem
She offered her honor
He honored her offer
And all night long he was on her and off her
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Date: Thu, 2 Sep 1993 10:56:37 +0000
From: KondrotasS <kondrotass@RFERL.ORG>
Subject: Re: Inhalation...
I was a witness of it myself, I swear.
I got a friend, a composer, whose life stile is far from quiet. In other words,
he's burning that candle from both ends.
So, he wakes up one morning in bed with those two girls - terribly hangover,
his appartment a mess - naked he crowls off the bed, a pain to watch, finds a
cigarette, lights up and says: "It's good my mother doesn't see I inhale it".
--Saul
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Date: Thu, 2 Sep 1993 07:42:33 EDT
From: Bill Prokasy <WPROKASY@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: Story: More About the Life of a Dean
A new dean had just arrived at Modern University and thought she might well
profit from a discussion with her predecessor who had recently resigned. During
a lunncheon meeting she asked the former dean how he had managed crises. His
response was to give her three envelopes with the instruction to open #1 with th
e
first crisis, #2 with the second crisis, and #3 with the third crisis. She
accepted the envelopes and the rest of the luncheon was spent on pleasantries.
Things went extremely well for her during the first six months. However, she
then discovered a major problem in the budget: the year was only half over and
it was clear that she was going to overspend her budget by 10%. The ruckus she
caused by pulling funds back from departments, failing to keep commitments, etc.
,
was such that she was facing her first major crisis. She opened envelope #1 to
find that it stated "Blame the prior dean for poor planning." This she did, and
the crisis was muted.
The next year her curriculum committee recommended, and she implemented, a
reduction in course requirements for graduation. Faculty from the affected
departments were enraged, as they felt that they had not been appropriately
consulted. The new dean, sensing her second crisis, opened envelope #2 which
said: "blame a faculty committee." To her amazement, this worked and the
committee had to shoulder the blame for poor consultation.
Later that year she was preparing budgets for the following year and realized
that she would not have enough funds to provide raises for faculty and staff
because of some unanticipated captial costs. This caused a real uproar across
the college. Confronting her third crisis, she opened envelope #3. It said:
"Prepare three envelopes."
William F. Prokasy Phone: 706-542-5806
108 Old College FAX: 706-542-0419
Athens, GA 30602 Internet: wprokasy@uga.cc.uga.edu
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Date: Thu, 2 Sep 1993 11:18:58 EST
From: Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: On meeting death <eerie words from the Mulla>
ON MEETING DEATH
Once Nasrudin was walking in his garden when one of his
servants, rushing, approach him. The servant cried that he had
just encountered Death, who had threatened him. He begged the
Mulla to give him his fastest horse so that he could make haste and
flee to Teheran, which he could reach that same evening. The Mulla
consented and the servant galloped off on the horse.
On returning to his house Nasrudin himself met Death, and
questioned him, "Why did you terrify and threaten my servant?"
"I did not threaten him; I only showed surprised in still
finding him here when I planned to meet him tonight in Teheran."
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Date: Thu, 2 Sep 1993 12:25:19 EDT
From: BETH WOODELL <woodell@UMUC.UMD.EDU>
Subject: His & hers humor; my view of life in college (foul language)
FRom the May 93 issue of Glamour magazine:
There's good news about the humor gender gap. According to Jim Carroll, Ed.D,
professor of psychology at Central Michigan University, men and women find more
of the same things funny than they did 30 years ago.
"It used to be that men liked the archetypal 'dirty joke'--rough, smutty,
...think Andrew Dice Clay," says Dr. Carroll, who studied the funny bones of
173 men and women."Women laughed at female airhead stereotypes, like Lucy,
Mary Tyler Moore and That Girl. Today, women respond to humor that's more
confident and outgoing (Roseanne Arnold), and men like comedians who are
kinder and more sensitive (Jay Leno). We're moving toward a unisex funny
bone."
As gender differences in humor disappear, laughter has even more power
to cement a relationship. Here's what couples find funny today, according
to Dr. Carroll:
--Gruesome humor like The Far Side.
--Political humor like Doonesbury or Dana Carvey doing George Bush.
--Evasion-of-responsibility humor like Calvin and Hobbes.
--Theatricality like Designing Women.
------------------------------------------------------
Enough of the academic stuff. I was recently reminded of my working philo-
sophy of life when I was an undergrad:
The world is divided into 2 groups of people: the people you think are assholes
and the people that think you're an asshole.
Woodell's Corollary: No matter who you are, there's someone in this world who
thinks you're an asshole. (So don't try to please everybody, it's just not
possible. This was actual college wisdom I tried to impart on a roommate with
anorexia nervosa.)
Pollyanna's Corollary: No matter who you are, there's someone in the world
who thinks you're a nice person. Seek those people out and surround your
life with them. (Woodell's Retort: Of course, you'll probably think those
people are assholes....)
Woodell's Corollary for the 90's: If you meet someone who you think is not
an asshole, and that person thinks you're not an asshole, MARRY. Now.
Beth Woodell
University of Maryland
woodell@umuc.umd.edu
"You can really grow apart if you're constantly together."--actual Berraesque
wisdom on marriage from my secretary
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Date: Thu, 2 Sep 1993 09:42:35 -0800
From: LRICHARDS@EWU.EDU
Subject: "Question for Mary" clean, may offend some christians
A man dies and finds himself at the pearly gates being greeted by Saint Peter.
St. Peter informs him that all new arrivals to heaven get one wish, anything
they ask for. The man without hesitating says that his wish is to have the
Virgin Mary answer a question. St. Peter looks at him rather strangely but
says that's not a problem.
The man is brought before Mary and St. Peter tells her of the man's wish. Mary
is flattered and asks him what his question is.
The man says, "I have seen many images of you in paintings, sculptures, frescos
and carvings. You always look so sad. I would like to know why."
Mary looks around to see if anyone else is listening and wispers to the man,
"Well to tell you the truth, I really wanted a girl."
Larry Richards
Eastern Washington University
Internet: lrichards@ewu.edu
Phone: (509)-359-7985 US Mail: Mail Stop 89, Cheney, WA 99004
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Date: Thu, 2 Sep 1993 11:57:20 -0600
From: Les Pourciau at Memphis State <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU>
Subject: Graduate School
This flew by me on MEDLIB-L the other day: "Grad School... It's not
just a job, it's an indenture!"
Thought you might like to post it to your humour list.
JOANN M. WLEKLINSKI GSLIS, Rosary College
Moderator of STUMPERS-L 7900 West Division Street
e-mail: ROSLIBREFRC@CRF.CUIS.EDU River Forest, IL 60305
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Date: Thu, 2 Sep 1993 13:58:35 EST
From: ROBERT RYAN <ROBERT_RYAN@CCMAIL.GSFC.NASA.GOV>
Subject: Mens room humor: Warning ! Not for women.
20 TYPES OF PEOPLE YOU MEET IN THE MENS ROOM!!!!!!!
1. Exicetable: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
2. Sociable: Joins friends in piss whether he hass to or not.
3. Crosseyed: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
4. Timid: Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal,
comes back later.
5. Indifferent: All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
6. Clever: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor.
7. Worried: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
8. Frivolous: Plays stream up, down, and across urinals, tries to
hit fly or bug.
9. Absent-Minded: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
10. Childish: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
11. Sneak: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent,
knows man in next stall will get blamed.
12. Patient: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads
with free hand.
13. Desperate: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
14. Tough: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.
15. Efficient: Waits until he has to crap, then does both.
16. Fat: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.
17. Little: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
18. Drunk: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
19. Disgruntled: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
20. Conceited: Hold two-inch penis like a baseball bat.
I told you not to read this!
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Date: Thu, 2 Sep 1993 15:46:41 -0400
From: Michael Ligas <ligas@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: A Brief Article (sort of potentially mildly offensive)
********************
From "The Toronto Sun", Thursday, September 2, 1993.
Article: In Brief, This Tokyo Trend Is Really Sick
TOKYO (AP) - Here's one product the Japanese haven't exported to North
America, yet: vending machines that dispense dirty panties.
Used female underwear is a big seller in Tokyo porn shops. Now, men with a
yen for dirty panties can buy them from vending machines in the
suburbs. More than 3,000 residents of a district east of Tokyo have signed
petitions protesting against the sale of such goods.
And authorities say they're concerned about another wrinkle in the market
- high school girls selling their underwear on the street.
********************
Puts a new twist to the slogan "Wait 'till we get our Hanes on you."
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Date: Thu, 2 Sep 1993 16:36:54 EST
From: Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Homosexual humor <explicit language>
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor is my source for these two funnies: O
This lion is having a drink at his local waterhole. A chimp sneaks
up behind him and slips him a Liberace and runs for his life.
The lion lets out a tremendous roar and chases the monkey.
The monkey runs into a nearby safari camp and puts on a safari suit
and hat, picks up a newspaper and starts to read it. Before long
the lion comes running in to the camp, looking for the chimp. The
lion sees the chimp behind the paper but doesn't recognise him and
asks him if he has seen a chimp running this way.
The chimp says "Do you mean the one that fucked the lion up the
arse?".
"Shit," says the lion " is it in the fucking paper already?"
Another one.....This Indiana teenager goes up to his dad and says
"hey, Dad can I have 20 bucks for a blowjob?" His dad says "I dunno
... you any good?"
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Date: Thu, 2 Sep 1993 22:01:59 BST
From: Mike Ellwood <MWE@IBM-B.RUTHERFORD.AC.UK>
Subject: rich b*****d (*language*)
From New Scientist, 28 august 93, Feedback column:
"The National Westminster Bank admitted last month that it keeps
personal information about its customers-such as their political
affiliation-on computer. But now Computer Weekly reveals that a
financial institution, sadly unnamed, has gone one better and moved
into the realm of personal abuse.
The institution decided to mailshot 2000 of its richest customers,
inviting them to buy extra services. One of its computer programmers
wrote a program to search through its databases and select its
customers automatically. He tested the program with an imaginary
customer called Rich Bastard.
Unfortunately, an error resulted in all 2000 letters being addressed
"Dear Rich Bastard". The luckless programmer was subsequently sacked."
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Date: Thu, 2 Sep 1993 15:07:08 -0500
From: Julie Kotok <KOTOK@HWS.BITNET>
Subject: dirty jokes
Yesterday a waitress I work with had a pool party and at night we sat around
the bonfire telling jokes, here are a few:
What do you call a blond doing a headstand?
A brunette with bad breath.
------------
A newly married woman was at a friend's house, her firend asked how things
were going so far. The married woman told her how great life was and that the
sex was good, but her husband wanted a hand job, but she didn't know how to
do it. Her friend told her it was easy, just practice on the ketchup bottle.
So that night the couple is in bed and he once again asks for a hand job,
she was all excited and grabbed his penis and flattened her hand and
smacked straight down on top onf the head of his penis. (it helps if you
visualize htis joke)
------------
This one is offensive to Italians, sorry
What do you call a fat Italian woman with a yeast infection?
A Whopper with cheese.
____________
A guy got his girlfriend's name, Wendy, tatooed on his penis. He's peeing
at a urinal and he glances to the left and says to the guy, "Oh, you've got
a girlfriend named Wendy too,". The other gut
looks at himand rubs his penis
until he got a hardon, it reads:
WELCOME TO JAMAICA, HAVE A NICE DAY
-------------
These are all I can remember today, I'll add more later as I remember them.
julie
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Date: Thu, 2 Sep 1993 17:42:58 EDT
From: Cathy Krusberg <CKBERG@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: Slightly humorous quote
Source: Harry K. Wong and Rosemary Tripi Wong. _The First Days of School_.
Sunnyvale, Calif. : Harry K. Wong Publications, 1991; p. 304
Nothing will ever be accomplished by sitting
around doing nothing, making butt prints in
the sands of time.
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Date: Thu, 2 Sep 1993 21:44:43 -0400
From: Byron Lanning <BJLANNING@DELPHI.COM>
Subject: Homer and Heidi
Copyright 1993 by Byron Lanning
HOLLYWOOD SEX SCANDAL BECOMES ANIMATED
Hollywood September 2, 1993 (PETER FUNK PRESS).
Homer Simpson, cartoon star of the TV comedy series The
Simpsons, shocked Hollywood when he admitted to engaging in sex
with a prostitute working for Hollywood supermadam Heidi Fleiss.
Homer incriminated himself to Los Angeles police officers
when they arrested him for soliciting sex from Jane Jetson of
The Jetsons. Officers put him under a severe crossexamination in
which the interrogating officers sat in front of him, eating
donuts, drinking Duff's beer but not offering him any of it. This
put Homer under a severe stress. He broke down crying and
admitted to soliciting Jane Jetson, who he said worked for Heidi
Fleiss. The officers gave Homer a donut and a beer for his
cooperation. Homer slurped down the beer and donut. Then, in
the expectation that the officers would reward him with more
donuts and beer for his further cooperation, he admitted to
erasing the Watergate tapes, assassinating Kennedy, and
impersonating Princess Anastasia.
According to Homer, Heidi Fleiss employs many types of cartoon
characters as prostitutes, from Walt Disney characters to the
Muppet Babies to Hey Dude. However, Homer had sex only with Jane Jetson.
She knows all sorts of strange sex positions from the future. Oddly,
she became a prostitute for economic reasons. Her husband George
left her and married their dog Astro, leaving her destitute.
Homer said also that he attended several orgies thrown by
Heidi Fleiss. Many Hollywood executives and stars attended these
parties. It seems sex with cartoon characters has become very
chic among the Hollywood elite. Homer recalled seeing female
cartoons as Natasha of Bullwinkle, Olive Oil of Popeye, Nell of
Dudley Do Right, Wilma Flintstone and Betty Rubble of The
Flintstones at these orgies. However, because he fears for his
acting career, he refuses to disclose any names of the Hollywood
elite. He admits only to seeing Pee Wee Herman, who often attended
Fleiss' orgies but couldn't find any cartoon characters to
have sex with him, except Woody Woodpecker.
Since his admission of guilt, Hollywood stars and executives
have spurned Homer. They fear he will disclose some big Hollywood
names of those attending Fleiss orgies. Only Butthead of Beavis
and Butthead has come to his support. He calls Homer everyday on
the phone and offers him these words of encouragement: "Yeah
COOOOL Homer, hu hu huh huhhuhhuh."
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