Digest for Friday, September 03, 1993
There are 12 messages totalling 503 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- From Babur
- Henry the Sperm (Dirty)
- Headaches
- Love poems
- Stuff to do at the office pt. 2; stuff to do at the supermarket
- Michael Jackson
- When you see an elephant
- OOPS! Stuff to do at the supermarket
- More Dirty Jokes
- Minority logic...
- Disneysleaze
- speed of sex, etc (NC17 - sex, incest)
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Date: Fri, 3 Sep 1993 12:43:10 TSI
From: Babur Saylan <MKSOR2@TRITU.BITNET>
Subject: From Babur
Thanks Joe Mole, being a Turkish, I'm very happy for reading Nasrudin stories
And I'm, again, sorry for my English...
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
The little boy was hiding himself under the back seat of the automobile when hi
s elder brother was taking girls to the top of a hill. Every time he hears his
brother asking 'yes or no?', when teh girl answers no, his brother says 'okay,
then you'll descend yourself.'
It had been repeated for many times. And one day the little boy takes his girl-
friend (|) in the back of his bicycle and when they attempt the top of the hill
, he returns and asks: 'yes or no?'
The girls answers yes...
The little boy thinks a little time and says: 'okay, you take the bicycle, I'll
descend myself.'
|||
I hope you enjoy yourself...Bye-)))
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Date: Fri, 3 Sep 1993 12:23:15 +0100
From: P S Gupta <P.S.Gupta@BRA0801.WINS.ICL.CO.UK>
Subject: Henry the Sperm (Dirty)
------------------------------ Start of body part 1
This is the story of Henry the sperm who was very ambitious. He
wanted to be THE ONE to cause fertilization. He was indeed the
strongest in his group of friends for he would do almost
anything to keep himself fit & strong. One day things started to
warm up - it was time... Henry & all his sperm friends started
to run to reach the egg. Henry put in all he had and was leading
------------------------------ Start of body part 2
Suddenly, Henry stopped & started running back screaming -
"Everybody get back... It's a BLOW-JOB".
------------------------------ End of body part 2
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Date: Fri, 3 Sep 1993 13:51:06 -0400
From: Michael Ligas <ligas@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Headaches
If you hit a man over the head with a fish,
he'll have a headache for a day.
But if you teach a man to hit himself over the head with a fish,
he'll have headaches for the rest of his life.
- Unknown
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Date: Fri, 3 Sep 1993 13:50:35 EST
From: Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Love poems <delightfully humorous>
The passionate shepherd to his love by Christopher Marlowe
Come live with me and be my love,
And we will all the pleasures prove
That valleys, groves, hills, and fields,
Woods, or steepy mountain yields.
And we will sit upon the rocks,
Seeing the shepherds feed their flocks,
By shallow rivers to whose falls
Melodious birds sing madrigals.
And I will make thee beds of roses
And a thousand fragrant posies,
A cap of flowers, and a kirtle
Embroidered all with leaves of myrtle;
A gown made of the finest wool
Which from our pretty lambs we pull;
Fair lined slippers for the cold,
With buckles of the purest gold;
A belt of straw and ivy buds,
With coral clasps and amber studs:
And if these pleasures may thee move,
Come live with me, and be my love.
The shepherds' swains shall dance and sing
For thy delight each May morning:
If these delights thy mind may move,
Then live with me and be my love.
The Nymph's Reply to the Shepherd by Sir Walter Raleigh
If all the world and love were young,
And truth in every shepherd's tongue,
These pretty pleasures might me move
To live with thee and be thy love.
Time drives the flocks from field to fold
When rivers rage and rocks grow cold,
And Philomel becometh dumb;
The rest complains of cares to come.
The flowers do fade, and wanton fields
To wayward winter reckoning yields;
A honey tongue, a heart of gall,
Is fancy's spring, but sorrow's fall.
Thy gowns, thy shoes, thy beds of roses,
Thy cap, thy kirtle, and thy posies
Soon break, soon wither, soon forgotten--
In folly ripe, in reason rotten.
They belt of straw and ivy buds,
Thy coral clasps and amber studs,
All these in me no means can move
To come to thee and be thy love.
But could youth last and love still breed,
Had joys no date nor age no need,
Then these delights my mind might move
To live with thee and be thy love.
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Date: Fri, 3 Sep 1993 13:51:43 EDT
From: BETH WOODELL <woodell@UMUC.UMD.EDU>
Subject: Stuff to do at the office pt. 2; stuff to do at the supermarket
More stuff to kill time in the office: --> Rearrange your desk ergonomically.
--> Put up a new picture. Take down an old picture. Take down the picture of
your old flame and replace it with a picture of a celebrity in the same frame.
Wait for the gossip to fly.
-->Go through the VAX password generator. See how many passes it takes for it
to generate a password at random that happens to be an English word. (Advanced
project: See how many passes it takes for the password generator to randomly
generate a word in any language you know.)
-->Organize the Office Olympics in your office. Suggested events include...
target archery (shooting rubberbands at dates on the calendar; highest
number wins)
hurdles (make tripods out of paper clips and try to jump them by rolling
the tips of your outstretched fingers over the hurdles without knocking them
down)
pole vault (stack a bunch of books on the desk and bounce a virgin #2
pencil by the eraser over the stack)
biathlon (new event! shoot a Bic pen cap from the straw nozzle of
an aerosol computer/small appliance cleaner; can be done for distance and for
accuracy)
optional: spelling bee (go thru old memos or e-mail messages from
the president of your company or university and see how many grammar and
spelling errors you can find)
Guess what I've been doing on a pre-holiday Friday? (8-)
Beth Woodell
University of Maryland
woodell@umuc.umd.edu
"The #1 role of tomorrow's senior executive: screw things up." --Tom Peters
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Date: Fri, 3 Sep 1993 12:08:34 CST
From: Fernando Davila Nieto <txmfdn@TXM.ERICSSON.SE>
Subject: Michael Jackson
Copied from alt.tasteless.jokes without permission...
Have you heard Michael Jackson's formed a new band ?
New kids on my cock.
What does Michael Jackson have after dinner ?
Under-eights.
Michael Jackson's new cover version ?
"Don't let your son go down on me."
OR "I'm forever blowing Bubbles."
It don't matter if you are black or white...
As long as you are under 13.
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Date: Fri, 3 Sep 1993 14:39:52 EDT
From: Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: When you see an elephant <political humor>
A debt of gratitude to Mr. Pittman for suggesting the "Elephant Search
Evaluation for Job Class Analysis." I have made a minor alteration to his
test. Mr. Pittman did not realize that one's political philosophy could
be determined when you ask a person "What do you think when you see
an elephant?" :-)
What do you think when you see an elephant?
Anarchist: That elephant was better off before the government started
protecting him.
Animal rights person: That animal should be free to be wild. "Close the
zoos, free the animals."
Communist: A pig created by a capitalist. <parody of expression "a camel
is horse created by a committee">
Congressperson: I wonder how many elephants I could get for my district.
Conservationist: A major polluter and destroyer of forests, grazing and
farm lands.
Conservative: I should hope nobody expects me to feed that mass of flesh
and bones.
Democrat: Neat. But if we are going to have them in our zoos, only African
elephants should be used and the rich should be taxed to pay for their
up-keep.
Dittohead: Rush Limbaugh. <He is an over-weight Republican commentator;
his followers say dittos or mega-dittos to him instead of complimenting
him -- hence dittohead>
Environmentalist: Poor animal. The United States government is neglecting
the welfare and very survival of beautiful creatures like this. Fully
one-third of Africa should become a preserve for elephants and the leading
capitalist countries should subsidize the African governments so they can
maintain these preserves.
Feminist: A symbol of male dominance and exploitation. <Allusion to the
trunk as a phallic symbol>
Gay: Proof that homosexuality is natural. <Allusion to the trunk as a
phallic symbol>
Labor leader: That's an unfair labor animal. These animals should be
prohibited from entering the United States to do work that our people do.
Each elephant imported for zoos should be cared for by six full-time union
zoo-keepers. <reference to union's opposite to new machines and cheap
labor>
Liberal Republican: This animal is or will soon be extinct. It is a shame
because they are such cute animals.
Liberal: I wonder how much taxpayer money we should appropriate to help
that beautiful elephant.
Lobbyist: That's interesting. I wonder who represents elephant interests
at the capitol. I wonder who is afraid of elephants; they may need my
help, too.
Monarchist: I still like Lions better. <King of the Beasts>
Moral Majority (Religious-right) member: Proof that God has a sense of
humor and evidence that the theory of evolution is wrong and that life
should preserved at all cost and that the Bible is the inerrant word of
God because elephants are mentioned in the Bible.
National Rifle Association member: Time for target practice.
Perot-moaner: What's that animal doing here? All that animal wants is to
take my job? If it stays here, my taxes will be raised to maintain it.
This is just another Republican dirty trick. <Allusion to Perot's
opposition to NAFTA and his complaint about Republican dirty tricks>
Poor Democrat: Ut oh, I bet a dozen poor people could live in a welfare
hotel for a year for what it cost the government to take care of that
thing for one month. Send that elephant back to Africa.
Republican: The symbol of my party. Only hardworking white elephants from
Asia should be used for our logos. <The Republican Party is 99%+ white>
Rich Republican: Nice for circuses and zoos as long as they are supported
by user fees and not by well-bred and successful investors like me.
Senator: I wonder how much pork I could get out of that big pig. <allusion
to pork-barrel spending>
Small business Republican or Democrat: If I could get a government
contract to feed that elephant, I could be rich and join the country club.
I wonder to whom I need to give a "contribution" to get the government
contract to feed elephants and clean-up their crap.
Southern white male: I wonder whether that is an African or European
elephant. <stereotyped as dumb and bigoted>
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Date: Fri, 3 Sep 1993 15:26:31 EDT
From: BETH WOODELL <woodell@UMUC.UMD.EDU>
Subject: OOPS! Stuff to do at the supermarket
Here's hoping our venerable listowner doesn't whip me 40 times with an
electronic wet newspaper for posting TWICE to the list (oooo) but I think
I need to do so in order to fulfill my promise. In my "stuff to do" post
the title comes on to you with "stuff to do at the supermarket." What
brought that on was me, constantly grocery shopping and finding myself
always stuck in long lines. If you pick up a magazine to kill time, ya gotta
be careful because if you don't put it down fast enough it might get rung
up with the rest of your order! (8-) So I amuse myself now by reading the
tacky headlines on those tabloids and try to figure out what they REALLY
mean. You know there's gotta be a come-on with some of those teaser headlines.
For example: "Jane Fonda AIDS Heartbreak" - sounds juicy, right? So you turn
to page 29 (you have to wade thru a lot of ads and stuff to get to the good
junk) and it turns out, Jane Fonda doesn't have AIDS. Peter Fonda doesn't
have AIDS. Heck, even Bridget Fonda doesn't have AIDS! It's just that
when Jane thinks of all those little kids who got AIDS from tainted blood
and can't attend school because the community is up in arms, it just
breaks her heart!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
What can YOU come up with? What's the REAL story behind....
"Donny Osmond Caught in Gay Lovenest"
"Raymond Burr's Final Days of Pain and Shame"
"Loni: 'I'll Scratch Burt's New Girlfriend's Eyes Out'"
"Dolly Parton Facelift Mess"
"Wynonna: My One True Love"
Some of you were asking for real-life humor from me. You came to the right
place, 'cause nothing is funnier than real life.
Beth Woodell
University of Maryland
woodell@umuc.umd.edu
"I hereby affirm and avow that I have NEVER once in my life bought a tabloid."
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Date: Fri, 3 Sep 1993 15:53:24 -0500
From: Julie Kotok <KOTOK@HWS.BITNET>
Subject: More Dirty Jokes
I've thought of a couple more of the jokes from the pool party...
Three couple went to a church to join it, a couple in their 20's, one in
thier 40's and one in thier 80's. The preist told all three couples that
if they could abstain from sex for 6 months they could join the church.
Well six months and the three couples go back to the church. The couple in
thier 80's said that the first few months were ok, but the last month has
been a bit tense. They succeeded and the priest let them join the church.
The couple in their 40's went to talk to the priest and told him that the
first month went by ok, but after that it got really hard. They also succeeded
and were allowed to join the church. Lastly was the couple in their 20's.
They had made it through the first week ok, but after that they were going
crazy, chewing on trays of ice every night and getting real grumpy they
thought the six months would every end. The night before they met with
the preist the wife bent over the freezer and her husband did her right then.
The preist apologized and told the couple they could not join or ever come
back in their. The husband said that the people in the supermarket told
them the same thing last night.
julie
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Date: Fri, 3 Sep 1993 16:08:13 EDT
From: Larry Kyrala <larry_kyrala@VNET.IBM.COM>
Subject: Minority logic...
Often times, minorities are mistreated by the majority, which
leads to civil rights abuses, discrimination, and bad jokes.
This is unfair, so minorities have developed a method of
defending themselves from the majority... it goes like this:
1) We're picked on because we're different from
everyone else.
2) You shouldn't pick on us because deep down,
we're the same as everybody else.
3) But we're going to lobby for special treatment
to ensure that we're different from everyone
else...
4) And when we get it, we can tell everyone else
how we are finally accepted as being "equal"
to everyone else.
5) Unless everyone else complains about being
picked on because they're different from
everyone else...
6) In which case we'll lobby against them,
because they shouldn't be treated different
from everybody else, when they're really
the same as everybody else.
7) And if someone tries to point out that that's
what we did, we'll tell them to go "someplace else".
_______________________________________________________________________________
"Everybody's a minority... you just have to find the
right body part..."
_ __ ___ ____ _____ ______ _______ ________
Internet : Larry_Kyrala@vnet.ibm.com
_______________________________________________________________________________
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Date: Fri, 3 Sep 1993 19:07:07 -0400
From: Byron Lanning <BJLANNING@DELPHI.COM>
Subject: Disneysleaze
Copyright 1993 by Byron Lanning
EURO DISNEY CONTINUES EURO REFORM
Disneyland-September 3 (PETER FUNK PRESS).
Michael Eisner, chairman of Walt Disney Corporation,
continues his plans to stop Euro Disney's financial losses by
making the park more appealing to Europeans. Eisner has completed
the first phase of the plan and will begin the second phase next
year.
The first phase of his plan consisted of Euro Disney selling
liquor in the park and rescinding the order that required its
female employees to shave their armpits. In the second phase,
Euro Disney will not only offer liquor to its patrons but also
prostitution. This includes a plan to open another hotel in Euro
Disney's Frontierland. Eisner wants it modeled it after a 19th
century bordello of the American wild west and called Kitty's
Cathouse. In this hotel, Euro Disney patrons can have sex with
Disney cartoon characters. Eisner even promises the Disney
prostitutes will have hairy armpits, and in keeping with its the
park's family atmosphere, Disney will sell condoms in the hotel
lobby. Each condom will have a drawing of a Disney character on
it or a photograph of Michael Eisner.
If Kitty's Cathouse does well, Eisner may consider opening a
new attraction in Euro Disney called Sleazeland, which Heidi
Fleiss will manage when she gets out of jail.
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Date: Fri, 3 Sep 1993 14:42:43 PDT
From: Marty Spiff Kuhrt <marty@SPISYS.TTISMS.COM>
Subject: speed of sex, etc (NC17 - sex, incest)
The posts of the last few days have brought to mind the following...
RE: lesbian/gay male racing, speed & sex
Q: What is the speed of sex?
A: 68, because at 69 you flip over and eat it.
Q: What's another sexual definition of 68?
A: You give me head, I'll owe you one.
Q: Why is 77 better than 69?
A: You get ate (8) more!
~~~~ CAUTION: offensive humor follows
RE: the incestuous joke reminded me of some 'backwoods types' jokes
Q: What do you call a twelve year old girl from the backwoods thats
a virgin?
A: A girl that can out run her Dad and brothers.
Lum: Reb, hear tell you'n got married to Daisy Lew.
Reb: Yup, had ta kill er on the huneymoon, tho.
Lum: Whyzat?
Reb: She tolt me she wuz one of them thar virgins.
Lum: So?
Reb: Well, ifin she ain't good enuf for her kin, she shorenuf not
good enuf for ars!
Mazie Sue: Paw, kin I haf the pickup truk this eve'nin for to go to
town and see a movin pitchur show?
Paw: Well, Mazie, you kin haf the truk, on the kindition that you
put some slurpin on m' tadpole
Mazie: O.K. Paw. (at which point she proceeds with the act)
Mazie: Ewwwww, daddy, yer tadpole tastes lik a turd
Paw: Oh yeah, I plum fergot, yer brothers got the truk ta'nite.
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