Digest for Wednesday, December 01, 1993
There are 32 messages totalling 698 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Festive one-liner
- Several Nuns, Convents etc (starts off clean gradually gets more base)
- Safe Hobbies
- Nuns...Language, maybe offensive.
- xmas joke
- Missed targets!
- Limerick (Clean!)
- more abandond convent riddles
- Letterman Top Ten List for 11/29/93 (fwd)
- none. 1 naughty word
- The Mulla Kyle Understands Grammar. Sort of.
- The abandoned convent ... now the truth can be told (offensive)
- Black and White...up and down (clean)
- Art exhibit
- More Nunsense
- Re: college pranks
- Michael Jackson (crude)
- Dont forget the back door?
- Yet another nun joke--mildly offensive
- Netiquette
- Abandon Convent Joke Number (?)
- Talking Dirty (PG)
- Nun of that now! (clean)
- Words that dont make sense. Clean.
- Nun joke.
- suprize ending...rated G, slightly racial
- Words that dont make sense. Clean.
- good! God/nun joke, not much abandoned convent
- Silly
- Coffee, anyone? (G)
- Did I hear this one on this list? nun joke
- Re: xmas joke
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 11:59:21 +0000
From: Paul E. Marsden <CMSAPAUL@PEGASUS.HUDDERSFIELD.AC.UK>
Subject: Festive one-liner
My girlfriend calls me Santa Claus because I only come once a year
but when I do I fill her stockings.
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 11:55:10 +0000
From: Alun Richards <A.Richards@STE0409.WINS.ICL.CO.UK>
Subject: Several Nuns, Convents etc (starts off clean gradually gets more base)
Q: What fun does a monk have in an abandoned convent?
A: Nun.
Nun (out of breath): "Mother Superior, help, a man, running his
hands over my body, taking me violently..."
MS: "When, my dear?"
Nun: "No, no, I WANT one.
Nun: "Mother Superior, help, I've been graped"
MS: "Surely my dear, you mean raped?"
Nun: "No, no, there was a bunch of them."
At nightfall in the convent...
"Candles out, girls!"
"Slurp, slurp, slurp".
Re: previous submission:
Q: "How do you get a nun pregnant?"
A: "Fuck her".
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 07:21:00 EST
From: G.BOCCANFUSO <T116@BLACK.LAMBTON.ON.CA>
Subject: Safe Hobbies
Remember when sex was safe and mountain climbing dangerous.
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 12:42:13 GMT
From: Trevor Stynes <TSTYNES@IRLEARN.UCD.IE>
Subject: Nuns...Language, maybe offensive.
Hi there again folks....
All this talk about Nuns and stuff, I just had to throw in my 2 cents
worth. I hope you like this one.
These two little Leprechauns go and knock on the Convent door. A few seconds
later, the Mother Superior opens te door and sees the two tiny little
men standing at her feet. The mother Superior is quite shocked to see two
Leprechauns at the Convent door and can hardly breathe. Suddenly, one of
the Leprechauns speaks to her and asks "Excuse me Mother Superior, but do you
have any 3 feet tall nuns here in your convent". The mother Superior replies,
"No, I'm afraid we don't have any 3 foot nuns here in this convent". The
Leprechaun asks again, "Are you sure you don't have any 3 foot nuns in there,
I assume you know all the sisters who live there and you are quite sure that
there are no 3' nuns in there". The Mother Superior replies again, "Yes, I'm
quite sure about that, I have never had a 3' nun in this convent". So the
Leprechaun aks ," are there any 3' nuns in any of the convents in Dublin"
To that the Mother Superior replies,"I have never seen a 3' nun in all my
life, I don't think there are any 3' nuns at all in any of the Convents
in Dublin at all or even in Ireland" I have never heard of one existing"
So the Leprechaun turns to the other Leprechaun, who remained silent
throughout
the whoe conversation. He turns to him and says "You see, I told you you were
fucking a penguin"
Keep smilin' dudes and dudettes, More later. Byeeeeeee
Trev.
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 13:29:51 GMT
From: Robert Whelan <WHELANR@IRLEARN.UCD.IE>
Subject: xmas joke
Q. Why does Santa have such a big sack?
A. Because he only cums once a year!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 13:33:32 +0000
From: Prasanna Bhalerao <U.B.R.ICIM@REA2101.WINS.ICL.CO.UK>
Subject: Missed targets!
This is one of the old times.
------------
One day in India a great sage was performing his meditation under a mango
tree. So powerful was he that his aura lit the entire surroundings. While
he was deep in meditation a young urchin came nearby and happened to look
at the tree which was full of ripe mangoes. His mouth watered at the sight
but the mangoes were out of his reach. So he decided to bring some down
with stones.
He picked up one stone, aimed and let go. But as he missed the target he
swore out loud "Motherf'ker, missed!". Upon hearing such filthy words the
sage was rudely awakened from his penance. He saw the urchin but said
nothing and closed his eyes again. The urchin unaware of the sage picked
another stone and hurled it. He missed again and again he swore
"Motherf'ker, missed again!". This time the sage was angry and he warned
the boy "Son, don't speak such language. It's not good". But the boy didn't
pay any attention and went on with his activity. Having missed the target
again he swore back "Motherf'ker, missed again!". The sage was outraged and
he threatened "Hey boy! If you swear again I shall curse you and burn you
to death!".
But the boy was not put off and tried again to bring down some mangoes but
with no result. He swore yet again "Motherf'ker, missed again!". Now the
sage decided that he had issued enough warnings and outraged he said "You
young rascal, you pay no heed to the elders and what more you have a filthy
mouth. You don't deserve to live so I am going to curse you!" With that he
raised his staff to the heavens and uttered a terrible curse.
Suddenly there was a great disturbance in the clouds and it started
lightening. A powerful bolt hurled itself down the earth and struck the
sage dead. A big voice from the heavens said "Motherf'ker, missed again!".
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 09:39:21 EST
From: dahm@CVAX.IPFW.INDIANA.EDU
Subject: Limerick (Clean!)
Well, it's clean but a wee bit suggestive. Here goes!
A lovely young maid from Darjheeling
Could dance with such exquisite feeling
Not a murmur was heard,
Not a sound, not a word
But the fly buttons hitting the ceiling.
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 09:59:32 EDT
From: Hank Griffeth <hgriffe@MAIL.GAC.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: more abandond convent riddles
-----------------------------Original message----------------------------
If you take a young lady to an abandonded convent and have your way with her,
will you go to hell any faster than if you did it in her apartment?
If she were a deaf-mute, would it be an unspeakable act?
If incest was involved would it be a sister act?
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 09:56:05 -0500
From: Amy L. Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject: Letterman Top Ten List for 11/29/93 (fwd)
==============================================================
Top Ten Stores That Won't Do Much Business This Holiday Season
==============================================================
10. Price Gougers
9. Burt and Loni's Cozy Couple Shop
8. Toys "R" Defective
7. Every Item $7500
6. Crap Mart
5. The Really, Really, Really Limited
4. Hefty Lefties: The Store for Left-Handed Fat Guys
3. Gap for Bastards
2. Joey Buttafuoco's Auto Body Shop
1. Roseanne's Secret
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 10:08:22 -0500
From: Lee Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: none. 1 naughty word
[French nuns are addressed as << soeur >>.
"Soeur" sounds a bit like "sir."]
A French nun was visiting England (hoping, I suppose, to visit the famous
abandoned convent). Getting off the ferry, she approached the first Brit
she saw and asked, "Pardon. Parlez-vous francais?" The Brit responded,
"Yes, soeur."
What's black and white and black and white and black and white and black
and white and black and white and black and white and black and white?
A nun rolling down the hill in front of an abandoned convent.
A nun was in a NY taxi, coming from Kennedy Airport into the city, hoping,
I suppose, to visit the famous abandoned convent. Her taxi driver ran
into another cab, and the two drivers started bickering. "You, you think
you're so hot, so important; you don't pay attention to where you're
going. Just because you think you're a hot shot with that floozy of a nun
as a passenger." --"Ha! This floozy of a nun says for you to cram it up
your ass! . . . Ain't that right, sister?"
As the Mother Superior was making plans to close the convent that was to
be abandoned, she called in all the girls of the convent school - one at a
time - and inquired what their future career plans would be, hoping to
find enough young ladies willing to take the veil so that the convent
wouldn't have to be abandoned. "And, Margaret-Anne, what would YOU like
to be?" "I'd like to be a prostitute." "WHAT?" screamed the Mother
Superior, as the fainted. When two sisters put her back on her feet, one
remarked, "I know that Margaret-Anne's plans to become a prostitute are
enough to make anyone faint!" --"Oh," said the Mother Superior, "I
thought she said PROTESTANT."
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 10:35:00 EST
From: Musat, Bob <bmusat%oscs@IBM4381.ONET.EDU>
Subject: The Mulla Kyle Understands Grammar. Sort of.
This series of stories does not presume to be anything remotely resembling
an allusion to the fact that my son, Kyle, might be as sage as the Mulla
Nasrudin, yet i think these are tales which need to be told. If you should
ever happen to meet him, please tell him that you know of him through the
writings of his early-lifetime experiences. - oxo
The Mulla Kyle gives a lesson in the structure of english words
My son has been told to behave many times in his short life, and quite a few
of them on this one, particular day. After about the eleventy kazillionth
time that day, I broke down and said VERY sternly, "Kyle, why won't you
behave?!?!?!"
To which, the young Mulla Kyle whined back at me, "I AM being haive, daddy!"
(The reason for that spelling is so that you don't pronounce ^^^^^ it as
'have'.)
Creative conjugation! What a concept at age three, eh? :)
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 15:30:31 GMT
From: Mike Ellwood <MWE@IBM-B.RUTHERFORD.AC.UK>
Subject: The abandoned convent ... now the truth can be told (offensive)
I don't think people should get quite so incensed about these jokes...
Before they abandoned the convent, what did the three pregnant nuns
sing in chorus?
"BeneDICTus...."
What was their favourite exercise?
Press-ups on the cucumber patch.
And wht did Reverend Mother Say each night:
"OK girls, candles out now"
"PoP!" ... ... ...
In the bathrooms there they had Pope-Soap-on-a-rope.
I paid a visit to this abandoned convent actually, and found the
chaplain still there; he looked real sad. Apparently he'd
had a bit of a thing going with the Reverend Mother, but she'd
found out about his also fooling around with a young novice.
In order to try and sweeten her up, he'd given her a box of
chocolates and a nice big bunch of red rosaries.
It didn't cut any ice though; she just told him to go and psalter.
He was thinking of suing her for breach of promise
(well that look in her eye was very promising)
but he didn't really think he had an a-priori case.
As it was he'd had a lucky escape; just before she left, she'd
come looking for him with a sharp knife, saying:
"Aisle altar hymn".
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 08:34:53 PDT
From: Paul R. Hagner <FACHAGNE@WSUVM1.BITNET>
Subject: Black and White...up and down (clean)
I'm forced to jump in here...
Q: What do you call one of the sisters on a pogo stick??????
A: Hop-a-long Chastity !
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 11:55:18 EST
From: Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Art exhibit <crude>
Dozens of art enthusiasts gathered at an important gallery for the exhibition
of a favorite artist. One critic asked the artist how he had managed to
achieve such interesting effects. "It's very simple. I put a canvas on the
floor, dump paint on it and then have two or three nude beauties slither all
over it.
"That must be quite stimulating."
"Not especially, but cleaning the brushes is a kick."
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 13:21:48 EDT
From: Kim Mitchell <DDD11B1@CFRVM.BITNET>
Subject: More Nunsense
What has one eye, one horn, is purple, flys, and gives the Pope head?
A one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple papal eater.
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 14:10:02 EST
From: Michael Greene <mikgreene@AOL.COM>
Subject: Re: college pranks
The story about college students cooperating to condition a professor to
write in the lower right hand corner of the chalk board reminded me of an
apochryphal story about Steven Wozniak, co-founder of Apple computer.
When he was an undergrad at Berkeley, he devised a little radio transmitter
that fit in his pocket. All it emitted was noise that screwed up the TV in
the student lounge. He'd turn it on and the TV picture would go sourth. Woz
would keep the trasmitter on until somebody would get up and twiddle the TV
controls a bit and then Woz would turn the transmitter off. The hapless
viewer would start back to his chair and Woz would resume transmitting.
Viewer would go back and twiddle the controls again. Woz would eventually
get the viewer to stand on one leg with one hand on the TV to keep the
picture clear.
I don't know if the above is true, maybe someone who knows Woz's email
address can check it?
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 13:22:22 CST
From: Greg J Warner <G-WARN@VM1.SPCS.UMN.EDU>
Subject: Michael Jackson (crude)
What do Michael Jackson and a Tortoise have in common?
They both like to get there before the HAIR!
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 16:10:48 EST
From: Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Don't forget the back door? <Mulla>
DON'T FORGET THE BACK-DOOR
The hour was late, and the Mulla had been talking to his
friends in a teahouse. As they left, they realized that they were
hungry. "Come and eat at my home, all of you," said Nasrudin,
without thinking of the consequences.
When the party had nearly arrived at his house, he thought he
should go on ahead and tell his wife. "You stay here while I warn
her," he told them.
When he told her, she said, "There is nothing in the house!
How dare you invite all those people!"
Nasrudin went upstairs and hid himself.
Presently hunger drove his guests to approach the front door
and knock on the door.
Nasrudin's wife answered. "The Mulla is not at home!"
"But we saw him go in," they shouted.
She could not think, for the moment, of anything to say.
Overcome by anxiety, Nasrudin, who had been watching the
interchange from an upstairs window, lean out and said, "I could
have gone out again by the back door, couldn't I?"
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 13:27:00 LCL
From: Michael Cottam <Michael_Cottam@BEAV.INTERSOLV.COM>
Subject: Yet another nun joke--mildly offensive
One nun says to the other: "Where's the soap?"
Other nun replies: "Sure does!"
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 16:54:18 EST
From: Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: Netiquette <satire>
Original-author: brad@looking.on.ca (Brad Templeton)
Last-change: 30 Nov 91 by brad@looking.on.ca (Brad Templeton)
"Dear Emily Postnews" Emily Postnews, foremost authority
on proper net behaviour, gives her advice on how to act
on the net.
-----------
Q: I cant spell worth a dam. I hope your going too tell me what to
do?
A: Don't worry about how your articles look. Remember it's the
message that counts, not the way it's presented. Ignore the fact that
sloppy spelling in a purely written forum sends out the same silent
messages that soiled clothing would when addressing an audience.
------
Q: How should I pick a subject for my articles?
A: Keep it short and meaningless. That way people will be forced to
actually read your article to find out what's in it. This means a
bigger audience for you, and we all know that's what the net is for.
If you do a followup, be sure and keep the same subject, even if it's
totally meaningless and not part of the same discussion. If you
don't, you won't catch all the people who are looking for stuff on the
original topic, and that means less audience for you.
------
Q: What sort of tone should I take in my article?
A: Be as outrageous as possible. If you don't say outlandish things,
and fill your article with libelous insults of net people, you may not
stick out enough in the flood of articles to get a response. The more
insane your posting looks, the more likely it is that you'll get lots
of followups. The net is here, after all, so that you can get lots of
attention.
If your article is polite, reasoned and to the point, you may only get
mailed replies. Yuck!
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 17:12:05 -0400
From: Eric Fisher <FISHER74@SNYCORVA.BITNET>
Subject: Abandon Convent Joke Number (?)
What about the nun who became the sheriff of the abondon convent?
She was a sister-in-law.
The question is, "Is it alright to kiss a nun in an abandon convent?"
I say, "It's o.k. as long as you don't get into the habit."
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 15:09:47 MST
From: Phil Corless <APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET>
Subject: Talking Dirty (PG)
Heard this from radio personality Barry Farber:
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $4.95 per minute.
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 17:31:03 -0500
From: We carry in our hearts the true country... <DMCINTYRE@ALBION.BITNET>
Subject: Nun of that now! (clean)
What do nuns and 7-Up have in common?
Never had it, never will *grin*.
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 17:39:11 -0500
From: D. E. Gulledge <gulledge@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Words that don't make sense. Clean.
Do you ever wonder.....
Why we drive on a parkway, but park on a driveway.
Why when we dress a chicken, we remove the covering; but
when we dress a child we cover it up.
When the weatherman says to expect inclement weather, is the opposite
clement weather. Where's Sam when we need him.
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 15:47:00 MST
From: Chris Farmer <cfarmer@ERNIE.AA.EDU>
Subject: Nun joke.
What do you call a dead nun's ghost?
Nun of the above.
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 17:01:47 CST
From: Jason Cohen <jcohen@WIXER.BGA.COM>
Subject: suprize ending...rated G, slightly racial
A little boy was learning about G-d in his church, and he was talking
to his mother about it. She, not wanting to place prejudice in the little
boy's mind, sat him and and said:
"God is not a man or a woman, and God is not black or white." To
which the child responded,
"Well, then is God Micheal Jackson?"
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 19:40:00 EST
From: G.BOCCANFUSO <T116@BLACK.LAMBTON.ON.CA>
Subject: Words that don't make sense. Clean.
Did you ever stop to think about the phrase:
Don't scare me like that!
Next time someone says that to you, ask how they do want to be scared.
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 18:38:02 CST
From: Paul Bear Crowson <UC324698@MIZZOU1.BITNET>
Subject: good! God/nun joke, not much abandoned convent
This man is having no luck whatsoever finding employment in New
York City. He decides maybe he'll have better luck in Washington, DC.
So he goes to Grand Central Station and with his remaining money,
buys a one way ticket. As he's waiting, he suffers a heart attack.
Three days later, he wakes up. He sees a nun standing at the end
of the bed, her having just arrived from the abadoned convent.
She tells him that he was brought to a Catholic hospital,
where they operated on him and saved his life. She says that the
hospital took the liberty of going through his belongings and,
frankly, they were a bit worried as to whether he would be able to
pay for the operation. He admits that this might be a problem.
He explains how he is unemployed and had just spent his last
few dollars on a train ticket. The nun asks, as she was wont to do
before the convent was abandoned, do you have any
well-to-do relatives that might be able to pay your hospital bills
for you? He replies that his only living relative is his sister,
an old spinster nun living in Philadelphia, who had lived at the
convent before it was abandoned, before she moved to Philly.
The nun becomes furious.
She says, "Nuns are NOT spinsters, they are NOT old maids, they are
married to GOD, especially the ones from the ABANDONED CONVENT!"
Fine, says the man, send the bill to my brother-in-law.
Paul Crowson -- In Moo-Moo-Moosouri
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 19:51:18 -0500
From: Hilde Horvath <HORVATH@DAEMON.RUTGERS.EDU>
Subject: Silly
Did you ever wonder why you find things in the last place you look?
Answer is because once you find it, there's no sense looking any more.
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 19:59:34 -0500
From: John P. Mechalas <mechalas@ECN.PURDUE.EDU>
Subject: Coffee, anyone? (G)
Yes, once again I found myself sitting around tonight, bored almost to
tears, trying to find something to do. As usual when such moods hit
me, I picked up the remote control and began randomly flipping through
the television channels. Within minutes, the hint of an idea began to
form in my mind.
I turned off the television and grabbed a handful of change as I
headed out the door. My target: the local coffee shop where all the
employees and patrons take their jobs, and their coffe-drinking, so
seriously that humor is probably not in their dictionaries. Needless
to say, it was a perfect target.
On my way over, I stopped at the gas station (yes, we do have gas
in Indiana...gasoline, that is) and purchased a small can of lighter
fluid. It wasn't very high quality, but it would do. I then proceeded
to the cafe in question, and (hiding the oil can in my coat) seated
myself at one of the more centrally located tables (I wanted a good seat).
The waitress came up to me, and with a stern, humorless look, asked:
"What would you like, sir?"
"A cup of coffee, please," I replied.
A few minutes later the coffee arrived (with the waitress, of course),
and as she turned and walked away from me, I quickly and quietly opened
up my lighter fluid and poured a small amount into the cup. I grabbed a
nearby match (everyone in a cafe seems to have a matchbook), lit it, then
dropped it into the cup.
With flames spurting out almost 3 inches above the rim of the
cup, I called the waitress over, and in a calm, rational voice said:
"Excuse me Miss, but my coffee's too hot."
I thought it was hysterical, but no one else seemed to appreciate the
joke.
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 20:00:25 EST
From: BETH WOODELL <woodell@UMUC.UMD.EDU>
Subject: Did I hear this one on this list? nun joke
>She says, "Nuns are NOT spinsters, they are NOT old maids, they are
>married to GOD, especially the ones from the ABANDONED CONVENT!"
>Fine, says the man, send the bill to my brother-in-law.
This reminds me of the two rabbis who were walking down the street one
beautiful day when they pass a cathedral and one says, you know, in all
my days I've never been in a cathedral! And the other says, no kidding!
Me neither. Let's go in and check it out.
So they go in and it turns out a nuns' initiation ceremony (whatever you call
it) is going on. The priest conducting the ceremony says, "May I help you
gentlemen?"
One rabbi says, "We just wanted to stop in and observe what goes on in
a cathedral, just because we're interested."
Priest: "Well, you're welcome to stay, but you can see we have a very solemn
occasion going on here. These women are about to become brides of Christ.
It's a very important time in their lives!"
Rabbi (as they both sit down in the back pew): "That's OK, we'll stay. We're
on the groom's side!"
----------------------
BTW, there was a good made-for-cable story on one of the premium channels
recently featuring a lot of name actresses like JoBeth Williams, Martha Plimp-
ton and Talia Shire as sisters, I think, and the Talia Shire character is a
nun. One of the other gals asks her how nuns get sexual fulfillment and the
nun swears she gets sexual gratification from actually having sex with God.
"God is ALWAYS erect," she informs us.
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1993 17:08:00 EST
From: Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 446-2858 <KENNEDS@MAIL.FIRN.EDU>
Subject: Re: xmas joke
Q. Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time?
A. Because they were originally made for children, but father wants to
play with them.
Q. Why doesn't Santa have any children?
A. Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the
chimney.
How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer, "Olive"?
Olive?
Yeah, you know... "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him
names."
Q. Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A. You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
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