Digest for Thursday, December 02, 1993
There are 19 messages totalling 561 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Abandoned convent stuff (clean)
- offensive to policemen
- Racist joke
- kansas, sort of (mildly adult language)
- Audience - GP
- Offensive to Clinton supporters
- Rush Limbaugh
- Gross, disgusting; bonus convent joke
- Skin Tuck (clean)
- Golf on Sunday....Offensive language.
- Nun Joke .. (Slightly Dirty)
- Jokes for 18 and above
- abandoned convent riddle
- Life 3.6 A collection of clean humor gathered on: 16 Jun 88
- Re: abandoned convent riddle
- really G-rated joke
- Real news - I wouldnt make this up
- Re: Rush Limbaugh
- 3 blonde jokes
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 10:28:07 +0000
From: Alun Richards <A.Richards@STE0409.WINS.ICL.CO.UK>
Subject: Abandoned convent stuff (clean)
Heard about the Mother Superior (in the abandoned convent) who
threw Ajax all over the father? She was done for bleach of the
priest.
An abbot (from the apocrophal abandoned convent) who was new to
the town went downtown one night, to one of the seedier areas. A
prostitute approached him and asked "Fancy a quickie, father?
Only #15". This puzzled the abbot. As he walked the streets,
more ladies of the night approached him in this way, all asking if
he fancied a quickie for #15.
The next morning he visited the Mother Superior and asked:
"Mother Superior, what's a quickie?"
The reply came: "#15, just like in town."
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 13:26:07 +0100
From: Joerg Findeisen CEDAR <find@PAN.CEDAR.UNIVIE.AC.AT>
Subject: offensive to policemen
Q: Why are there always 2 policemen on patrol ?
A: One can read, the other write.
Q: But why are there sometimes three of them on patrol ?
A: One can read _and_ write, and the other two protect this genius.
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 13:28:00 IST
From: A. SOLOMON EAGLSTEIN <WELFARE%ILNCRD@VMS.HUJI.AC.IL>
Subject: Racist joke
What does Florsheim Shoes and US Postal Service have in common?
100,000 black loafers.
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 08:06:00 EST
From: Musat, Bob <bmusat%oscs@IBM4381.ONET.EDU>
Subject: kansas, sort of (mildly adult language)
i remember, one time, when a lady (I'll call her jean) on first shift came
in to work one morning, and i was particularly tired from 3rd shift, the
night before. she was usually exuberant, only this morning she was just a
bit less tolerable than usual. she came over to my workstation to tell me
about her turn at cross-training with an excited, "hi, bob! i'm coming to
third shift to learn from you!"
quick as a wink i shot back, "oh, yeah? can you bend over and grab your
ankles?"
well, as you all may have been able to tell by now, i can add two and two
and come up with four at least 97.3% of the time, yes? the only trouble is
that innuendo usually come to the fore first. being fed a straight line
like that, i find it very difficult to resist the temptation. this
situation was no exception, but i took even greater than my usual delight in
my response, since jean is a borderline good-looking-and-knows-it case:
she's a tall blonde with a pretty face; perky, not-too-large breasts; a
fairly lithe body; who therefore ASSUMES she's pretty.
the best part of the whole conversation came next, though, when she missed
my meaning entirely, and answered me with, "well, sure! who can't grab
their ankles?!?!"
in the words of bugs bunny: "what a maroon!"
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 08:53:29 EST
From: Tony Cichan <TONYC@VM2.YORKU.CA>
Subject: Audience - GP
A fellow was out for his usual morning walk. Crossing the road along
which he walked was a high overpass. As he neared the overpass he
noticed, lying at the foot of a pillar, a crumpled heap. Walking
closer he realized that it was a person lying there, who had either
fallen or jumped from the overpass. He rushed over to see if he
could help and saw that the person was still alive. He also
noticed a dead parakeet tied to the ankle of the person lying there.
"what happened?" he blurted out. The eyes opened, and a painful
voice answered, "I wanted to find out what this budgee jumping is
about."
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 10:00:54 EST
From: dahm@CVAX.IPFW.INDIANA.EDU
Subject: Offensive to Clinton supporters
Did you hear about the law recently passed in the Arkansas state legislature
outlawing the celebration of Halloween and Thanksgiving? It seems they had no
choice: the witch left and took the turkey with her.
-Now, who says we Democrats can't laugh at ourselves?
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 10:05:26 EST
From: Joel OConnor <X7KG@SLUMUS.BITNET>
Subject: Rush Limbaugh <political humor>
**** New Saturday morning cartoon concept ****
Rushie's World!
Our fearless, and cuddly, hero, who grew up in his own little world
where everything was The Way Things Outta Be, is suddenly and
mysterously transported to the Real World.
Little Rushie is appalled, and soon goes out with his trusty sidekick,
Morton Downy Junior, to spread mindless blatherings all around the
Real World, just in case someone cared.
Our Hero and his trusty sidekick's fondest hope is that, someday,
someone just might be insane enough to do what they say, and the
Real World will be a more Aryan place. *sigh*
I have noticed that Rush often brags about how well his show is doing in
the polls. News Flash Rush..... Milli Vanilli was also very popular,
but they were soon exposed as the frauds they were, and were laughed out
of the business.
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 10:31:25 +0500
From: Penny S. Ward <crunchy@GIBBS.OIT.UNC.EDU>
Subject: Gross, disgusting; bonus convent joke
Joe Tenderfoot went out west around gold rush time to see about striking
it rich. He was distressed to find that the hot, dry weather soon gave
him a painful case of chapped lips. He asked an old-timer how to help his
lips heal. The old-timer said, "Sure. Watch me." Old-timer walked up to
a mule, inserted his finger in the mule's arsehole, then wiped the finger
over his own lips. Joe cringed. "Does that really fix your chapped
lips?" Old-timer replied, "Nope, but it keeps me from licking 'em."
--p.w.
P.S. I read in the news that the great Midwest flood this year also
affected the abandoned convent. Within a few short days it was wholly
water.
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 10:52:54 -0500
From: Lee Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Skin Tuck (clean)
Your favorite butt of jokes had a face lift the other day, and the doctor
came to him (her) after the operation and said, "I've got some good news
and some GREAT news."
"Well, tell me the good news first," said _______.
"The operation was very successful. Your skin is going to have
the resilience of that of an 18-year old. You're going to look very young
for a very long time."
"That IS good news. What's the GREAT news?" asked ______.
"We have enough skin left over for a pair of boots. What's your size?"
P.S. Please don't put in Elizabeth Taylor's name. She's really too
classy to have to suffer YOUR abuse, too.
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 15:31:08 GMT
From: Trevor Stynes <TSTYNES@IRLEARN.UCD.IE>
Subject: Golf on Sunday....Offensive language.
OK guys and gals....
Since we're on the topic of religion and I don't know about you guys but
I think this Nun shit is all used up.
Here's one for you I think you might like. I sent it before but I like it.
There was this guy and his parish priest playing a round of Golf one Sunday.
Fr Maloney always enjoyed a round of 18 holes after morning service.
So he went down to the green with one of his parishioners. Let's say the guys
name was Sam. Anyway, Sam was lining one up for a putt. He was just about
ready
to sink this and improve his handicap. He shoots and misses the hole by 1
inch.
Sam shouts out "Fuck it, I missed". Fr Maloney was slightly taken back by this
and persuades Sam to come to confession. "You must refrain from using such
obscenities on the Lord's Sabbath" explains Fr Maloney.
Sam apologises for his temper to the priest. Once again, Sam is lining up
another Putt and swings hoping to take him 3 under par. The ball just
stops short of the hole and again in blind rage, Sam shouts "Fuck it, I
missed again". Fr Maloney again says "Oh Sam, you must stop using such
obscene language on this, Our Father's day, God's rage will come down
upon you in a blinding flash of light and strike you down". I'm sorry
father" says Sam.
Once again, Sam is lining up a shot. He's on the 18th hole now and could
bring him to breaking his all time record of 8 under par. He takes the shot,
the ball is rolling towrards the hole, getting closer, closer and rolls into
the hole and suddenly pops back out again. Sam can't believe it. He is major
pissed off about this and screams at the top of his voice, "Aaaahhh, Fuck it,
I missed again". Fr Maloney is quite distraught with this one and tries
to calm Sam down. "Please Sam, God's wrath will come down upon you and
pass judgement, and in a blinding bolt of lightning, he will destroy you"
But just as Fr Maloney had finished speaking a bolt of lightning comes
flashing down out of the sky and hit's poor Fr Maloney and destroys him.
There is nothing left of poor Fr Maloney except two burn marks where he was
standing. Sam looks on in disbelief wondering what poor Fr Maloney had done
to deserve such a cruel punishment. Just then a loud voice booms from the
sky saying, "Fuck it, I missed".
Hope you liked. More later. Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Keep smilin'....
Trev.
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 12:10:12 +0000
From: Prasad Kulkarni <P.Kulkarni@REA2101.WINS.ICL.CO.UK>
Subject: Nun Joke .. (Slightly Dirty)
One nun asks other nun
Do you know what is the difference between a pin and a screw ?
The other nun replies calmly
I don't know because I never been pinned
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 14:13:18 +0000
From: Prasanna Bhalerao <U.B.R.ICIM@REA2101.WINS.ICL.CO.UK>
Subject: Jokes for 18 and above
Read this somewhere but can't remember where. However I can still recollect
it! It goes something like this -
Good morning, Mr. Muffet, Sir,
bless your heart and soul,
I came to f**k your daughter, Sir,
but couldn't find her hole!
At last I found her hole, Sir,
it was under her frock,
But damn it, Mr. Muffet, Sir,
I couldn't find my cock!
At last I found my cock, Sir,
it was at its hub,
But damn it, Mr. Muffet, Sir,
I couldn't get it up!
At last I could get it up, Sir,
as always it should have been,
But damn it, Mr. Muffet, Sir,
I couldn't put it in!
At last I could put it in, Sir,
it came thick and sore,
But damn it, Mr. Muffet, Sir,
your daughter wanted more!!!
--------------------------------
This one was inspired by the RUM CAKE sent earlier. Thanks Amy.
HOW TO COOK A CHICKEN
---------------------
Ingredients:
A full chicken A ripe banana
A cherry Butter (as much as you need)
Select a fresh ripe chicken. Take the chicken breasts in your hands and
massage them properly. Peel the banana and spread ample amount of butter on
it. Locate the cherry inside the chicken legs and gently massage it too.
Now spread the chicken legs wide apart and insert banana into it. Do it
again and again till the banana creams and the cherry pops (or till the
cherry creams and the banana pops). No special grilling is required as the
heat generated by the chicken and banana is sufficient.
p/s if the cake rises, leave town.
- Prasanna Bhalerao
u.b.r.icim@rea2101.wins.icl.co.uk
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 12:32:03 EST
From: Michael Greene <mikgreene@AOL.COM>
Subject: abandoned convent riddle
If a prince of the church had his way with a nun in an abandoned convent
would it still be a cardinal sin?
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 09:03:06 PST
From: HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life 3.6 A collection of clean humor gathered on: 16 Jun 88
----------------------------------------------------
A Texan in New York City needed to call a nearby community from a pay phone.
"Deposit $1.85 please," instructed the operator. Pulling himself up to full
height and dropping into his thickest Texas drawl, he objected, "Ma'am, I'm
from Texas, and in Texas we can place a call to Hell and back for $1.85!"
"I understand, sir," retorted the operator, "but in Texas, that's a local
call."
One is reminded of the society for the preservation of sea otters whose
motto was "Do unto otters as you would have otters do unto you."
And then there was Pac-Bell's resident expert on fiber-optic
communications. Sort of a specialist in light conversation.
I've decided to try my hand at art. My first painting will be an outdoor
portrait: a great field, in the middle of which stands a lone gong. A
stylized
characterization of the West Wind will be blowing softly over the gong. I
will
call it: "Gong With the Wind."
Canada's prairie provinces are experiencing severe drought and dust
storms. A farmer can wake up to find that all his top soil has blown
onto his neighbours farm down the road. But still some farmers manage
to find humour in this saying, "It's the only time real estate changes
hands without the lawyers getting a cut."
My electromagnetics professor, Dr. Andrew Dienes, defines "trivial" as
"Any problem that can be solved by a Nobel Laureate in less than 24 hours."
You can imagine that I was relieved to hear that my final would be trivial.
----------------------------------------------------
A friend of mine who happens to be British, and has a delightful accent,
teaches chemical engineering at the University of Massachusetts at Amherst.
A few years back he was complaining about how deadly dull the undergraduates
were. He said that they were so lacking in curiousity and sense of humor,
that he would bet that he could show up for his morning lecture wearing
a "redcoat" uniform like those worn during the revolutionary war, and nobody
would ask anything about it. So he did just that, complete with pointed hat,
boots, and sword. There was a very tense moment at the end of the lecture,
when he asked "Are there any questions?" One hand went up. The student
asked "Will the material on blah-blah-blah be on the exam?"...
----------------------------------------------------
A friend of his had been lecturing on the doppler effect to a really,
really dead class. Finally, in sheer exasperation, he pointed to the
equations on the board, to be more precise, at the (speed.of.sound-
speed.of.object) in the denominator and said: "This particular portion
of the equation shows where the sonic boom comes from. As the speed
of the object approaches the speed of sound in air, is part slowly
goes to zero. Finally, when the object hits the speed of sound, a
division by zero error occurs, reality rips, and all of the air in the
surrounding area pours out into the 4th dimension."
The class took notes....
----------------------------------------------------
In article <546@osupyr.mast.ohio-state.edu>
gae@osupyr.mast.ohio-state.edu.UUCP
(Gerald Edgar) writes:
:Schoolmaster: Suppose x is the number of sheep in the problem.
:Pupil: But, sir! Suppose x is NOT the number of sheep in the problem.
:I [i.e. Littlewood] asked Professor Wittgenstein if this was a profound
:philosophical question, and he said that it was.
>From Walt Kelly's "POGO" comic strip, the Three Bats (Bewitched, Bothered,
and Bewildered ["How do you spell that, Bemildred?"]) trying to determine
if all three of them are present for a meeting, since each one counts only
the other two: (from memory, may be a little off)
First: The way to solve this is with algebra. Here's my old algebra
textbook. It says, "Let X equal the unknown."
Second: The unknown, huh? That would be Snorbert Zangox over in Waycross.
First: He's unknown?
Third: The best! I've never heard of him.
Second: Neither have I. Put me down as one not knowin' him.
Third: I don't know him, either.
First: Neither me. Now I adds up how many don't know him, and I gets "three!"
Second: Meaning three of us don't know him, so there's three of us here!
First: Man, that algebra is terrific!
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 13:09:01 -0500
From: Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Re: abandoned convent riddle
On Thu, 2 Dec 1993, Michael Greene wrote:
> If a prince of the church had his way with a nun in an abandoned convent
> would it still be a cardinal sin?
Since, to be a prince of the church, he has to be ordained, perhaps it
would be an ordinal, rather than cardinal, sin. This idea brings to mind
the question of whether it might be the first or second (or even higher)
one that he has committed, if a sin it be.
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 13:40:05 EST
From: Philip Hodgen <philiph@AOL.COM>
Subject: really G-rated joke
What did the ocean say to the beach when they met?
Nothing. It just waved.
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 14:14:49 -0500
From: JOHN VOGEL <JVOGEL@NHQVAX.HQ.NASA.GOV>
Subject: Real news - I wouldn't make this up
This is from a Reuters press feed published in the Washington Post on
12-2-93. And you thought Technology would make things easier ...
Sex Line's Heavy Toll in Gatemala
Guatemala City -- International telephone sex services are causing headaches
for thousands of Guatemalans who have unwittingly run up huge bills they
cannot pay.
Advertisements to call "Love without Frontiers" and "Horoscope of Love"
first appeared in local papers in April, but Guatemalans dialing the
advertised
numbers were unaware they were calling Canada and paying @2.75 for each minute
of steamy phone sex until bills arrived months later.
"This is a nightmare without frontiers," said Sergio Morataya, who heads
an investigation by the state run phone company, Guatel's investigation into
the phone sex scandal, "There has been a tremendous response, especially
from children and adolescents."
More than 7,000 Guatemalans hav ebesieged guatel's headquarters in
Guatemala city shere an office run by a public relations expert and a
psychologist has been set up to deal with the complaints.
"I deal with between 65 and 100 people per day," said Rossy Farness who
sits under a prominent blue sign that reads "Telephone complaints from
Canada."
"The biggest bill belonged ot a woman who came in yesterday. It was
for $9,827," she said.
Many Guatemalans deny making the calls and accuse Guatel of doctoring their
phone bills citing the now famous example of phone sex calls billed to a
disconnected number.
"I go out ot work and my two children go ot school," said single mother
Ana Maria Betancour, who was presented with a bill for $2,236. "We are poor.
I spent three days in bed worrying about the bill when it first arrived."
But Guatel isn't buying it. Many Guatemalans somply do nt want to
admit to their families that they called a phone sex line, said Morataya.
Attorney General Telesforo Guerra, whose office owes $344 for phone sex
calls has ordered an investigation into who placed the anonymous advertisments
in the Guatemalan press.
Guatel has offered short-term relief to Guatemalans who face bankruptct
over phone bills by placing international blocks on phones free of charge
and freezing payment of calls ot Canada until a house-to-house investigation
has been completed.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Somehow I don't think this was the Canadian import people were thinking of
when NAFTA passed.
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 14:16:48 EST
From: RiffRaff <PCONNER@WVNVM.BITNET>
Subject: Re: Rush Limbaugh
a few minutes of Monty Python....
"Hello Mrs. Gorilla."
"Ooh, hello Mrs. Nongorilla."
"Been shopping then?"
"No... been shopping."
"What'd you buy?"
"A piston engine!"
"Why's you buy a thing like that?"
"Ooh, it was a bargain!"
"...How much do you want for it?"
"Ninepence."
"All right... How do you cook it?"
"Cook it?! You don't cook a thing like that!"
"Well, I'm not going to eat it raw!"
And then...
We're knights of the Round Table,
We dance whene'er we're able
We do routines
and chorus scenes
with footwork impeccable
We dine well here in Camelot
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot!
We're knights of the Round Table
Our shows are formidable
but many times
we're given rhymes
that are quite un-sing-able
We're opera-mad in Camelot
we sing from the diaphragm a lot
In war we're tough and able
quite indefatigable (?)
between our quests
we sequin vests
and impersonate Clark Gable
It's a busy life in Camelot
'I have to push the pram a lot...'
**And now for ten seconds of sex**
..All right, you can stop now.
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 15:16:03 EST
From: Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: 3 blonde jokes <rude>
What do you call a blonde upside down?
A brunette.
Why do blonde girls have bruises around their belly buttons?
Because blond guys are stupid, too.
I understand there's yet another blonde invention: ejection seats for
helicopter pilots.
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index