Digest for Friday, December 03, 1993
There are 23 messages totalling 743 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Unabandoned convent, Sara Pippelini.
- Bathroom wisdom
- Sniglets 3...
- Innocent 8 year olds (PG)
- May be offensive to mice and cats
- Letterman Top Ten List for 11/30/93 (fwd)
- The abandoned convent on Elm Street (offensicv
- JOKE: One morning at the breakfast table
- Barney the New Age Demon, the New Age Demon
- da Rushman
- Re: Signoff
- Horror-scope
- boxer, tape, irs
- Free Trade
- Reasons why I cant go out with you....
- Blonde Checkout Girl
- Tom Swifties
- Dumb Jokes (G)
- Rush humor (redundancy)
- Classroom joke PG-17
- Business joke about rich Republicans <1950s>
- Follow up to Barney story-s
- 2: 1 obscure, 1 obscene
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Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1993 14:55:06 GMT+10
From: Ken Price <KEN__PRI@ASGARD.CLARE.TASED.EDU.AU>
Subject: Unabandoned convent, Sara Pippelini.
Before the convent was abandoned....
Mother Superior wished to interview all the trainee nuns who had decided not
to pursue the vocation. They lined up outside her office, and she called
them in one by one.
M.S.: "Well my child, why are you leaving our convent?"
First Nun: "I wish to become a nurse like Florence Nightingale and help the
sick and unwell"
M.S.: "A fine choice: go with my blessing"
M.S.: " And you, my child, why are you leaving us?"
Second Nun: "I wish to be a famous scientist like Marie Curie and discover
new facts to help mankind"
M.S.: "A splendid career, my child. Go with my blessing"
M.S.: "And you, my child? Why do you wish to leave us?"
Third Nun: "I wish to be a famous actress like Sara Pippelini"
M.S.: " An actress, oh that is indeed a fine career. But Sara
Pippelini? I don't believe I have heard of her"
Third Nun: "Oh Mother Superior, there is a story about her in todays
newspaper"
The Mother Superior pulled the newspaper out of her desk and opened it.
There on the front page was the headline:
"SAHARA PIPELINE LAID BY 400 MEN IN 14 DAYS"
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Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1993 00:01:50 EST
From: Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Bathroom wisdom <rude>
Bathroom wisdom: Make love, not war. Underneath someone wrote: Do both--get
married.
What has 75 balls and screws little old ladies? Bingo.
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Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1993 09:26:32 GMT
From: Ellen Daleng <ed@FELLINI.NOCRC.ABB.NO>
Subject: Sniglets 3...
QUASIMOTOING (kwa' zee mo' to ing)
v. Crouching under the overhead compartments while waiting to leave the plane.
BELTBUCKLE WALTZ (belt' buk il waltz')
n. The beeping tone of the airport metal detector.
VIDEOOPS (ved' ee oopz)
n. Forgetting to return rented videos on time.
ZZZZZZZAAAAHHH!! (zzzzzzzaaaahhh')
n. The split second you wake up and spot a spider on your pillow.
BUDFLAP (bud' flap)
n. The little aluminum piece that hangs down inside a beer can after it's been
opened.
KRASHTONITE (krash' ton yt)
n. The indestructible material the "black box" is made of - and how come the
rest of the plane isn't made of this?
MUFFINLUST (muh' fin lust)
n. The slightly illicit feeling one experiences when undressing a cupcake.
XEROHNO (zeer oh' no)
n. A person who is getting copies as a favor for someone else when the copy
machine jams.
CORNFLUKES (korn' flooks)
n. The cereal that manages to fall between the paper liner and the outer box.
AUTOLAUNCHE (ah' to launch)
n. When everything falls out of the glove compartment as you open it.
Q-SPICIOUS (ku' spih' shus)
adj. Examining a cotton swab immediately after use to make sure part of your
brain isn't attached to it.
SHAMPOOZLE (sham poo' zul)
v. Filling up an empty shampoo bottle with water in the hope there's still
enough left for one more wash.
UNDERWONDER (un' dur won' dur)
n. That "knowing" feeling you get when carrying an armload of laundry that
causes you to turn and look behind and see a trail of dropped underwear.
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Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1993 11:27:07 +0000
From: P S Gupta <P.S.Gupta@BRA0801.WINS.ICL.CO.UK>
Subject: Innocent 8 year olds (PG)
An eight year old goes for a walk with his dad. On the way they
pass a ranch and there, two horses are doing it. The eight year
old is pretty amused and asks his dad the obvious question - " Hey
dad, what are those horses doing ?". The dad is a little
embarassed and replies "Son, they are making themselves a Baby
pony !!". The son is quite convinced and moves on with his dad.
That night when the son is going to the loo, he hears strange
noises coming from his parents' room. Inquisitive as he was, he
enters the room unannounced, only to find his dad over his mom.
The son says "Hey Dad, what are you and mom doing ?". To which the
embarassed dad replies "Son, we are making you a baby brother!".
The son is not quite happy and says, "In that case, why don't you
turn mom over and make me a baby pony instead ?"
------------------------------------------------------------------
Again the eight year old goes for an early morning walk with his
dad. On the way he sees a butterfly. He springs on it and smashes
it down. The dad is angry and says "Son, no BUTTER for you for a
week !". They move ahead. This time a honey-bee is seen. The son
again makes a go for it and kills it. The dad is again not
impressed and says "Son, no HONEY for you for week.!". After
returning from the walk, dad, mon and son are having breakfast.
Suddenly from nowhere a cockroach appears on the table. The mom
makes a swift move and smashes it down with a tea cup. The son
says "Hey dad, do you tell her or do I tell her ??".
------------------------------------------------------------------
Two eight year olds in school -
First one, "I found a contraceptive on the porch !".
The other, "What's a porch ?".
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Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1993 07:59:00 EDT
From: Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP, (410) 830-3642 <D7AP002@TOA.TOWSON.EDU>
Subject: May be offensive to mice and cats
Question: What does a 300 pound mouse say?
Answer: Here kitty, kitty!
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Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1993 08:43:56 -0500
From: Amy L. Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject: Letterman Top Ten List for 11/30/93 (fwd)
---> November 30, 1993 <---
====================================================
Top Ten Signs The Nanny You've Hired Is Really A Man
====================================================
10. Constantly whining about prostate trouble
9. Name on driver's license reads "Walter Payton"
8. Can bench press 450
7. After changing baby's diapers, services your Jeep
6. Constantly adjusting herself
5. Has Adam's apple the size of a cue ball
4. On day off, appears on "Geraldo"
3. Knows a little too much about "Mork"
2. Winces whenever someone mentions Lorena Bobbitt
1. The Bea Arthur factor
Subject: Are you a real engineer? (fwd)
***************************************************************************
* Amy L. Ward * *
* Career Center * "My computer can beat me at chess, *
* The George Washington University * but it's no match for me at *
* cecalw@gwunix2.gwu.edu * kickboxing." -- Emo Phillips *
* othello@unix1.circ.gwu.edu * *
***************************************************************************
> Real engineers wear jewelry made from discarded motherboards.
>
> Contrary to popular belief, real engineers do put on nail polish;
> they just never remove it.
>
> Real engineers schedule their yearly Pap smear around their beta
> release schedule.
>
> Real engineers not only nurse and program at the same time, but
> they lull their babies to sleep by the clacking of the keyboard.
>
> Real engineers buy their husbands matching screwdrivers for
> Christmas, but use them more than he does.
>
> Real engineers get narcotics during labor, not for the pain, but
> to stop them from taking the fetal distress monitor apart.
>
> Real engineers don't shave their legs above the hemline, in the
> interest of efficiency.
>
> Also in the interest of efficiency, real engineers buy convertibles
> so they can blow-dry their hair on the way to work in the morning.
>
> Real engineers carry 2 cans of soup, a yogurt (and a spoon), a box
> of Triscuits and a package of light Hostess Cupcakes in their purses
> at all times, in case they pull an all-nighter.
>
> Real engineers only buy purses big enough to fit their laptops in.
>
> Real engineers only wear slipon shoes (with or without heels) so
> she can take them off to sit cross legged in her chair while
> programming.
>
> Real engineers keep getting thrown out of Vicoria's Secrest because
> they insist on knowing the exact tensile strength of their bras
> before buying them.
>
> Real engineers are excited at their first periods, but mostly because
> its gives them a chance to use the biometric viscosity measurement
> tools in their science kits.
>
> Real Engineers carry a set of matched screwdrivers in their purses.
>
> Real Engineers figure out how to nurse and fix the toaster at the
> same time.
>
> Real Engineers fix the runs in their pantyhose with duct tape.
>
> Real Engineers figure out algorithms to minimize thread usage when
> doing counted cross stitch.
>
> Real engineers keep their key chains and pen pocket protectors on
> even during labor.
>
> Real Engineers look on having a baby as an opportunity to brush up
> on biomedical and structural engineering in preparation for taking
> the PE exam.
>
> Real engineers cinch their biking skirts with cable ties.
>
> Real engineers read the toxic shock inserts in the tampon box.
>
> Real engineers examine the inner workings of the fetal monitor
> between contractions.
>
> Real engineers make cantilevered birthday cakes (but never provide
> documentation on how to cut them!)
>
> Real engineers never spell in front of the kids; they'd like to,
> but they can't!
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Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1993 14:29:06 GMT
From: Mike Ellwood <MWE@IBM-B.RUTHERFORD.AC.UK>
Subject: The abandoned convent on Elm Street (offensicv
The chaplain told me that this was a very old convent, dating
back to times when priests were persecuted; it was rumoured that
there was a "priests hole" somewhere in the building.
In fact, other rumours had it that there were plenty of priest's
holes to be found if one knew where and when to look...
He did want to make one thing very clear: at no time and in no way had
Michael Jackson ever taken refuge in the convent,
before or after it was abandoned.
Definitely.
Anyway, they don't even have altar boys.
The sisters are perfectly able to perform all the roles which the
latter do in ordinary parish churches.
Or used to be; before they left (*sob*).
Has to do all the services single-handed now.
Then he got to rambling on about the good old days; apparently, years
ago, when the Catholic Church and the Anglicans first started talking
to each other, with a view to possible unity one day, his bishop
had gone to lunch with the local Anglican Bishop. Relations between the
two churches hadn't been all that good until then, so it was all rather
delicate, and they were both on their best behaviour, trying not to cause
any possible offence, even by accident. The waitress came to take the
Anglican bishops's order. He said: "I'll have a bloody steak please miss".
The Catholic bishop, a gentle, rather unworldly man,
was a little taken aback by this use of apparently
profane language, but of course could not show it, and thought perhaps
that was the way that Anglican bishops spoke, and that he had better
reply in kind. After all, when not in Rome, do as the non-Romans, so to
speak: "I'll have the same please miss, and oh yes, plenty of bloody
chips!"
Actually the day hadn't started too well; he'd stayed overnight at the
Anglican bishops house, a grand affair, with servants, although
rather old-fashioned, without running hot water. As luck would have it,
there was a new boy on early morning duty, who was charged with taking
the visiting bishop his hot water in a jug for shaving. All the way
along the corridor he rehearsed what he had been told to say: "Good
Morning My Lord - It's the boy with your water". He said this to himself
perfectly, over and over again. However, as he knocked on the door, his
nerve completely failed him, what with this his first day, and this being
an important guest, and all, and what came out was:
"G-G-G-Good morning my boy, this is The Lord with your water"
:-)
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Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1993 10:43:10 -0400
From: TKENNETT@BENTLEY.EDU
Subject: JOKE: One morning at the breakfast table
Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn
how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay,
you say 'ass' and I'll say 'hell'".
All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where
their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
"Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some cheerios." His
mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the
room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"
"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
it ain't gonna be cheerios."
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Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1993 11:31:06 EST
From: Rich Elkins <GEELKINS@ECUVM1.BITNET>
Subject: Barney the New Age Demon, the New Age Demon
From today's San Jose Mercury News:
Preacher calls Barney a demon
Barney the dinosaur, preschoolers' favorite purple pal,
has been declared a "new age demon" by a right-wing radio
evangelist. "Straight out of the new age and the world
of demons and devils," the reverend Joseph Chambers says.
The cult of Barney, Chambers says, is further proof that
"America is under siege from the powers of darkness."
Chambers further complains: "Barney is teaching kids
that we must accept everyone as they are -- whether
they're homosexuals or lesbians."
Chambers' Charlotte, N.C.-based radio ministry is putting
out a "Barney the Purple Messiah" booklet, previously
titled "Barney the New Age Demon."
Explains Chambers: "It's a less provocative title."
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Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1993 12:11:20 EST
From: Mike Weinstein <MPW01@ALBNYDH2.BITNET>
Subject: da Rushman
Hey, he is funny! "Femi-Nazi's": what a scream! I know some. Saw a birthday
card in the store that had a drawing of him spouting into the microphone
about "I'll keep half my brain tied behind my back just to make it fair,
etc.." and the message inside was: "I got a new airbag for your car for your
birthday"
Maybe some of the hard core ditto heads take him too seriously, but he's the
only true political satirist on the right. His caricatures of the liberals
are on the money. Let's hear some more political humor! Mike
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Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1993 12:20:35 EST
From: B.D. Colen <bcolen@WARREN.MED.HARVARD.EDU>
Subject: Re: Signoff
Why sign off?
Because nun of the joke books were left behind when the Sisters abandoned the
convent and, besides, they all have a number of really filthy habits!
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Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1993 12:14:48 EST
From: Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: Horror-scope <rude; some gay offensive material>
YOUR HOROSCOPE
Aquarius: Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a
great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and
impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over again.
People think you are stupid. A snake would be an idea pet for you.
Pisces: Feb. 19 to Mar. 20
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the
CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent
you for your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence and are generally
a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small animals. Your dog wants
to bite you.
Aries: Mar. 21 to April 19
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick
tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are not very nice. Please
clean out your cat's litter box.
Taurus: April 20 to May 20
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work
like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are a
communist. Rush Limbaugh loves you.
Gemini: May 21 to June 20
You are quick and an intelligent thinker. People like you because you are
bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This
means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest.
Cancer: June 21 to July 22
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They
think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That's why
you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancer
people. You need to learn how to wipe better.
Leo: July 23 to Aug. 22
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo
people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your
arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are known thieves.
Virgo: Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening
to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep
while making love. Virgo's make good busdrivers. Your pet rats like you.
Libra: Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you
are a man, you more than likely are queer. Chances for employment and
monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are good prostitutes. All
Libras die of venereal disease. You should flush your toilet more often.
Scorpio: Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You're shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall receive the
pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpio
people are murdered. Trade in your ant farm for termites.
Sagittarius: Nov. 22 to Dc. 21
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely
on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or
dope fiends. People laugh at you a great deal. Fleas look good on you.
Capricorn: Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of
anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.
Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as they are apt to be
mistaken for inanimate objects. Do you really think Dan Quayle is intelligent.
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Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1993 12:05:45 -0600
From: Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: boxer, tape, irs
----------------------------------------------------------------------
SOUTHAMPTON, England (AP) - Boxer Tony Wilson won his fight in three
rounds Thursday night after his mother climbed into the ring and hit his
opponent over the head with her stiletto shoe.
Opponent Steve McCarthy left the ring with blood seeping from a head
wound as security officers ushered Minna Wilson away.
When McCarthy refused to return, referee Adrian Morgan raised Wilson's
arms in victory, declaring that McCarthy had retired.
Uproar broke out among the 1,000 specators at the Guildhall in this
south English port, where the British light heavyweight title eliminator
fight between local boy McCarthy and Wilson was being staged.
The furious crowd kicked and punched Wilson before he escaped to a
dressing room, sheltered by his trainer and manager.
"The first thing I saw was my mum in the ring, and then eveything went
wild," said Wilson, from Wolverhampton, central England. "She has been
watching my fights for years and nothing like this has happened before."
Police reinforcements were sent. But no one was arrested, and no one
was reported injured.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Some years ago a friend of mine was taking a magnetic computer tape
through customs in Egypt. The customs staff on discovering the tape
started to unreel it onto the floor. When my friend asked what they
were looking for they told him that they were checking the film for
pornographic scenes.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On a similar note: Many years ago (about 15), I used to work for the
Infernal Revenue Service (boo!). Every Friday, some friends and I
would gather in one one of the cafeterias and play our guitars during
our lunch break. And -- every Friday -- when I brought my guitar case
into the building, the guard would stop me and say, "What's in the
guitar case?" I would look at him like he was purple and say, "Why,
a guitar, of course!" And each week, he would tell me to open the
case and he would search the entire case (who knows what for!), includ-
ing the inside of the guitar. Well, one week, when he asked me,
"What's in the guitar case?", I said -- with a perfectly straight face
-- "A submachine gun." Did he search the case that time? NO! He
waved me on!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I once went through customs from the US into Canada carrying
a 2400' mag tape. The customs agent wasn't buying the $20
(or whatever) I told him it was worth (no duty on the value
of the DecSystem 20 operating system on the tape, but that's
another story). He got his calculator out and was figuring
the square footage of the tape so he could charge me the
going duty on mylar.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
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Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1993 10:13:12 -0800
From: Andrew Laurence <laurence@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Free Trade
Now that Clinton's gotten Congress to pass NAFTA, he's pushing for the
Southern Hemisphere Amalgamated Free Trade Agreement - SHAFTA!
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Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1993 13:49:22 -0400
From: Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now. <JBOLOGNA@BENTLEY.EDU>
Subject: Reasons why I can't go out with you....
I'd LOVE to, but ...
-- I have to floss my cat.
-- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
-- I need to spend more time with my blender.
-- It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
-- It's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish.
-- I don't go out on days that end in 'Y.
-- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
-- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
-- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
-- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
-- I have some really hard words to look up.
-- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
-- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
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Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1993 16:32:54 +0000
From: Alun Richards <A.Richards@STE0409.WINS.ICL.CO.UK>
Subject: Blonde Checkout Girl
So there's this blonde checkout girl, and one of the items in
the customer's basket just won't scan. The supervisor comes
over and says "We'll enter it manually: you read out the bar
code & I'll type it in". So the checkout girl goes "err, OK:
Thick-line, Thick-line, Thin-line..."
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Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1993 14:05:24 -0500
From: Lee Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Tom Swifties
Years ago, there was a renaissance of interest in Tom Swifty jokes. I'd
like to see how many subscribers of HUMOR we can gross out with some of
these jokes. Here goes:
"Do you think this shirt goes with these pants?" asked Tom warily.
"I want to see the beavers," said Tom eagerly.
"Wait! I'm coming," Tom ejaculated.
"Where are the cows?" Tom uttered.
"I ain't no priest!" said Tom inordinately.
"I think it's going to rain," said Tom precipitously.
"'Death Becomes Her,'" said Tom euthanistically.
"Who cares about an old Bible?" Tom asked vulgarly.
"Where are my clothes and CD player?" asked Tom, barely audibly.
"Go feed the god," said Tom dyslexically.
"He's dead," Tom croaked.
"I keep hearing a buzzing noise," Tom droned.
"They won't let me join the Cetaphile Club," blubbered Tom.
"Do people pay attention to grammar anymore?" Tom asked rhetorically.
"Does anybody know any more of these?" asked Tom invitingly.
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Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1993 13:57:57 MST
From: Phil Corless <APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET>
Subject: Dumb Jokes (G)
Q: What do New England fishermen send each other at
this time of the year?
A: Christmas cods.
-------------------------------------------------------
Q: What are the favorite punctuation marks in Japan?
A: The period, the exclamation point and the kamikaze.
-------------------------------------------------------
Beavis and Butthead will be starring in a feature-length
movie, in which they dress up as frumpy Irish housekeepers.
The title? "Mrs. Doubtfire... fire... fire... fire!"
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Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1993 16:45:45 -0500
From: JOHN VOGEL <JVOGEL@NHQVAX.HQ.NASA.GOV>
Subject: Rush humor (redundancy)
You know the difference between Rush Limbaugh and a beached whale?
50 lbs and a loud sports jacket.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Saw my first one this week: A bumpersticker: FLUSH RUSH
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Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1993 16:16:33 MST
From: Jim Taylor <J=TAYLOR%LGC%153AG@WYCYS.ANG.AF.MIL>
Subject: Classroom joke PG-17
I was at night school, last night, taking a Biology class. The
teacher, who normally wears a miniskirt 9 times out of 10, was
talking about the different types of defenses that prey have against
predators. She was talking about a little bright red frog in africa.
The frog is bright red, and attracts the predators, but is also very
poisonous. With that, the instructor said "eat me, and you die" then
one student smirked, and the whole class room in unison, drowned
out the instructor with laughter for about 5 minutes.
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Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1993 19:45:42 EST
From: Sim Webster <WEBSTER@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Business joke about rich Republicans <1950s>
Richie Royal was having a particularly good year. After working 20 long
years as a vice-president for the the family silk business, he had become
President and Chairman of the Board. His grandfather had died earlier that
year.
One morning, his secretary brought in some checks for him to sign. "This
one," she explained, "is for your $100,000 initiation fee into the Hoover
Dinner and Golf Club."
"Oh, that's wonderful. I should get a nice tax break on that," sighed the
wealthy executive.
"This one is for the house you're buying out on Long Island. It's for
$1,250,000."
"Good deal. They have such good schools in that community."
"And this one for $2,000,000 is for that new office we're opening in
Paris."
"Hey, I worked hard planning for that expansion," commented the rich
Republican.
"And now," said the secretary. "I'd like to ask you for a raise. I've
been with you for more than two years now. Would $25 a week be all right?"
"Twenty-five dollars!" shouted the company president. "What do you
think I am, a millionaire?"
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Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1993 16:32:02 U
From: Bob Schmitt <bs@USIP.ORG>
Subject: Follow up to Barney story-s
Follow up to Barney story:satire
DINOSAUR EATS REACTIONARY, HATE-FILLED MINISTER
Millions Cheer; Animal Suffers Violent Indigestion
San Jose, CA -- Dec. 2 -- A large purple reptile claiming to be Barney the
Dinosaur today attacked and consumed Rev. Joseph Chambers, a notoriously
reactionary local radio minister who had earlier blamed the beast for a
variety of social ills, including tolerance, open-mindeness, and mutual
respect. Chambers, who had minutes before the attack exhorted his listeners to
"rootout all the devils and demons that are plaguing this great land," was
devoured on the steps of his radio station in front of a relieved crowd of
several thousand.
In between bites, Barney could be heard singing to the tune of "This Old Man"
the words: "I love you/You love me/Rev Joe/Is mighty tastee." Shortly
thereafter, the beast suffered a violent dyspeptic attack, brought on by the
ingestion of too much bile...but thanks to the Clinton health plan.....He's
covered!
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Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1993 12:08:13 -0500
From: Jeff Fowler, SAI Biological Devt., Palo Alto, CA <fowler@PALRES.DNET.SANDOZ.COM>
Subject: 2: 1 obscure, 1 obscene
True story:
I read this in a music industry paper review of the latest recording
effort by Paul McCartney's old, old group "Wings". It seems that the
band has completely run out of ideas and virtually every track is a
tired re-hash of past efforts. It seems that this really is just a
band on convent_ion. (Now don't tell me that nun of you get it).
Sorry.
I've been struggling to recall a delightful old joke which has something
to do with a dismembered nun rolling down a hill (no doubt making a
break from the abandoned convent) going black-white-red-black-white-red.
How exactly does it go?
Q.What goes black-pink-black-pink-black-pink-white?
A.A black man masturbating.
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