Digest for Tuesday, January 04, 1994

There are 9 messages totalling 199 lines in this issue. 




Topics of the day:
  1. The old guy and the fact of life joke
  2. A Key to Scientific Research Literature
  3. Offensive Michael Jackson Joke
  4. hunters dilemma
  5. football humor
  6. Not a very nice joke. (PG-13)
  7. picture puzzle! (OFFENSIVE!)
  8. Old folks and sex
  9. money jokes 


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Date:         Tue, 4 Jan 1994 08:39:06 EST
From:         Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject:      The old guy and the fact of life joke

Henry was a sprightly 88 when he married Mary Beth, who was a ripe 18.
"Tell me, sweet child, did you mother tell you the facts of life?"

Mary Beth blushed from her hairline to the tips of her toes, and shyly
murmured, "No."

"That's a great pity, because I'm afraid I've forgotten them."

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Date:         Tue, 4 Jan 1994 12:06:00 CDT
From:         Tim Fenske <FENSKET@MACC.WISC.EDU>
Subject:      A Key to Scientific Research Literature

A Key to Scientific Research Literature

"It has long been known that..."
  - I haven't bothered to look up the reference.

"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these
questions..."
  - The experiment didn't work out, but I figured I could at
    least get a publication out of it.

"The W-PO system was chosen for detailed study..."
  - The lab next door already had some prepared.

"Three samples were chosen for detailed study..."
  - The results on the others didn't make sense and were ignored.

"Accidentally strained during mounting..."
  - Dropped on the floor.

"Handled with extreme care throughout the experiment..."
  - Not dropped on the floor.

"Typical results are shown..."
  - The best results are shown, i.e. those that fit the dogma.

Agreement with predicted curve:
   "Excellent"    = fair
   "Good"         = poor
   "Satisfactory" = Doubtful
   "Fair"         = Imaginary

"Correct within an order of magnitude..."
  - Wrong.

"Of great theoretical and practical importance..."
  - Interesting to me.

"It is suggested that... it is believed that... it appears that..."
  - I think.

"It is generally believed that..."
  - A couple of other people think so too.

"The most reliable results are those obtained by Jones..."
  - Jones was my graduate student.

"Fascinating work..."
  - Work by a member of our group.

"Of doubtful significance..."
  - Work done by someone else.
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Date:         Tue, 4 Jan 1994 07:40:00 EDT
From: Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP, (410) 830-3642 <D7AP002@TOA.TOWSON.EDU>
Subject:      Offensive Michael Jackson Joke

Have you heard about the new sandwich called the McMichael?

Yeah, its 35 year old meat between two twelve year old buns...
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Date:         Tue, 4 Jan 1994 10:19:00 PST
From:         JEFF BAUMAN <BAUMAN_J@PLU.BITNET>
Subject:      hunter's dilemma

Q: A hunter stands against a tree; he has a rifle, but only one bullet; from
   one side charges an angry bull; from the other, an angry lion; which does
   he shoot?
A: he shoots the lion now, and shoots the bull later

_/\_
 jb
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Date:         Tue, 4 Jan 1994 13:28:00 CDT
From:         Tim Fenske <FENSKET@MACC.WISC.EDU>
Subject:      football humor

The story goes that a well known midwest football program is heavily
recruiting a running back. "We just *have* to get this guy," the coach
tells the dean.  "I've never seen someone so strong and so fast.  This
guy is going to bring back the glory days."

"OK, but we need to be sure he meets our academic standards.  I'll need
to interview him first," the dean insists.

So the coach apprehensively arranges for the young prospect to meet with
the dean.  He brings the player in and the dean asks the young man "What is
the square root of 36?"  Immediately he responds "6."  The coach, jumping
out of his seat, then says "Dean, you've got to give him another chance!!"
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Date:         Tue, 4 Jan 1994 13:35:00 MST
From:         Chris Farmer <cfarmer@ERNIE.AA.EDU>
Subject:      Not a very nice joke. (PG-13)

Knock knock.
    Who's there?
Little Boy Blue.
    Little Boy Blue who?

Michael Jackson.
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Date:         Tue, 4 Jan 1994 15:08:54 CST
From:         Mike D. Schomburg <MDS@VAX3.LTEC.COM>
Subject:      picture puzzle! (OFFENSIVE!)

We're going to have to flex our mental muscles a bit, since I don't know how
to include dingbats in posts. OK, ok...

Visualize a series of five images, arranged in a line, going left to right.

1st image: the letter I (upper-case i)
2nd image: a heart (like a valentine)
3rd image: the phrase "ex-wife"
4th image: a tree
5th image: some musical notes

Now, imagine I am handing you a small piece of paper with these five small
pictures written on it as described above, and I say to you: what does this
mean?

" I Love Country Music!"
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Date:         Tue, 4 Jan 1994 18:09:16 EST
From:         Angel Dey <DEY@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Old folks and sex <an oldie>

Two old folks were setting by the fireplace in their rocking chairs
on a cold winter evening.  The fire needed tending so the old man
got up and proceeded with the task.  While bent over tending the fire
the man's ancient wife kicked him in the butt nearly knocking him into
the fire.  He continued with the job without reaction. When done he
shuffled back to his chair, took his seat and asked his wife "What was
that for?"

His wife replied "For being such a lousy lover."

After a while the fire had burned down and needed tending again.  This
time the old woman took her turn.  The situation was repeated with
the old man kicking his wife in the butt...  When she returned to her
chair she looked at her husband and asked "What was that for?"

To which he promptly replied "For knowing the difference."
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Date:         Tue, 4 Jan 1994 18:44:28 EST
From:         Sim Webster <WEBSTER@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      money jokes

Q: What's the difference between a dollar and a rouble ?
A: A dollar.

Q: What's the relation between a dollar, a rouble and a pound ?
A: A pound of roubles equals a dollar.

Good luck to our new friends in the countries of the former USSR. Peace!
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