Digest for Wednesday, January 05, 1994
There are 15 messages totalling 430 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Exam jokes (clean)
- letterman, etc. lists
- Disorders
- US politics and sex inextricably divided...
- Philosophers drinking song
-
- Offensive to lambs, lions, circus trainers, circus patrons
- Lawyers (PG)
- Sperm (X)
- Bra sale and stupid remark--clean
- 1 joke
- BRAS - CLEAN, SORTA
- Life 3.A A collection of clean humor gathered on: 5 Sep 88
- Boring sex
- Re: Politics & Ethnic
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Date: Wed, 5 Jan 1994 11:42:43 +0300
From: Mo Mirzaa <EM019@BHUOB00.BITNET>
Subject: Exam jokes (clean)
1- The teacher is walking between the students during the exam when says
to one of them who seems to be in trouble: "How is it going, Tom ?
"Tom .... Tom, I remember now" The student reply !
2- One student was trying to cheat in an exam, so asks the one sitting
in fornt of him: "What is the answer to the third question ?" "It is
Jesus Christ" the other student, replied. "Jesus who ?" the first
inquired again !
Mo Mirzaa {em019@bhuob00.bitnet}
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Date: Wed, 5 Jan 1994 08:38:50 -0500
From: JOHN VOGEL <JVOGEL@NHQVAX.HQ.NASA.GOV>
Subject: letterman, etc. lists
X-Comment: Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten Lists
The following list was read by Dave at "The 16th Annual Kennedy Center
Honors" on December 29, 1993. Thanks to David Silver and Kyle Cain
for sending this list to me.
---> December 29, 1993 <---
===================================
Top Ten Things We Miss About Johnny
===================================
10. Got laughs without cheap gimmicks like top ten list
9. Carnac more entertaining than Psychic Friends Network
8. Always gave 110% despite backbreaking 3-day workweek
7. The way he'd sometimes get confused and accidentally pay me alimony
6. Did ground breaking "cut off your Slauson" jokes years before anyone
had ever heard of Lorena Bobbitt
5. When he's dressed as Aunt Blabby he's a really good kisser
4. The way he'd sometimes swat Ed with a rolled newspaper whenever Ed
belched up gin
3. Thirty-five years on the air and he never once said "Buttafuoco"
2. The admirable way he never switched networks just for a bigger paycheck
1. His "don't ask, don't tell" policy regarding Doc
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This list was read by Bob Costas on the Late Show on December 22, 1993.
Thanks to Nick Monitto and Sepi K. for sending this to me.
---> December 22, 1993 <---
===========================================
Top 10 Reasons I [Bob Costas] Stayed at NBC
===========================================
10. Love to carpool with Willard
9. Peacock tattoo on inner thigh deemed unremovable
8. NBC's new "don't ask, don't tell" policy
7. Three simple words: Pro Beach Volleyball
6. I love weasels!
5. NBC promised to let me play Hoss in the next "Bonanza" remake
4. I'll be anchoring Nightly News next week when that stiff Brokaw gets
canned
3. Promised myself I wouldn't leave until I nailed all of the Golden Girls
2. Doesn't everyone believe loyalty is more important than money, Dave?
1. Wait -- I stayed at NBC? Damn! What was I thinking?
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X-Comment: Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten Lists
---> January 3, 1993 <---
========================================
Top Ten Clinton's New Year's Resolutions
========================================
10. Prove that Domino's violated Constitution by stopping 30-minute delivery
policy
9. Finally tell Hillary about him and Janet Reno
8. See if the Neptunian Galaxy Masters have any new orders for him
7. Disband Air Force One Mile-High Club
6. Drop Gennifer Flowers from MCI "Friends and Family" plan
5. Call Perot in middle of night, yell "Que pasa, little man?" and hang up
4. Gently break news to Reagan that he doesn't live in the White House
more
3. Change Socks' litter box daily
2. Change Roger's litter box daily
1. Summit with Ronald McDonald
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Date: Wed, 5 Jan 1994 08:50:55 EST
From: Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Disorders <amusing origins of words>
BEDLAM Originated with the London hopital called St. Mary of Bethlehem
(ca. 1400). In old English pronunced Betleen, in middle English Bedleem
or Bethleem. Hence we now have a word which means state of wild uproar.
BERSERK At one time the word literally meant bear shirt. Our current
meaning of frenzied attack or deranged behavior comes from a Norse
legend where one family of fighters went into battle wearing only
bearskins. At least one account reports that the berserkers were
emboldened by eating their favorite variety of mushrooms.
BROUHAHA Possibly a distortin of the Hebrew phrase barook habbah
<blessed-the-comer, as in Blessed be he who cometh in the name of the
Lord. Ps. 118:26>. First recorded use in its modern sense of clamor
or sensational in a 16th century drama where the expression was used
as an exclamation by a character who served the devil.
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Date: Wed, 5 Jan 1994 08:57:04 EST
From: Paul Scriven <n1epotsp@IBMMAIL.COM>
Subject: US politics and sex inextricably divided...
A left wing student was hitch-hiking in republican territory, shortly
after the presidential elections. A car stopped, and he ran up hopefully.
"Who'dya vote for?" Asked the driver.
"Clinton," he replied.
The car sped off.
A while later, a second car stops. "Who'dya vote for?"
"Clinton."
The car speeds off.
After this has happened a dozen or so time (he's very quick on the uptake,
our student), he decides to change his approach, so when a car stops, driven
by a rather attractive young woman (fill in your own description), he said
"Bush!" She lets him in and they drive off. Now she happened to be
wearing a very short skirt, which rides higher up her legs as she drives.
Our student (whose sex drive is way ahead of his hitch-hiking skills) finds
this quite arousing.
He watches for a while, then says "Bloody hell [not translated from
English!], I've only been a republican for threed minutes, and I already
feel like screwing someone!"
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Date: Wed, 5 Jan 1994 10:12:23 EST
From: Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Philosopher's drinking song <rude words>
Bruce's Philosophers Drinking Song
by Eric Idle (of Monty Python Troupe)
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable,
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
who could think you under the table,
David Hume could out-consume
Wilhelm Freidrick Hegel.
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as schloshed as Schegel.
There's nothing Neitzche couldn't teach ya
'Bout the raising of the wrist,
Socrates himself was permanently pissed.
John Stuart Mill of his own free will,
on a half a pint of shandy was particulary ill.
Plato, they say, could put it away,
Half a create of wiskey everyday.
Aristotle, Airstotle was a bugger
for the bottle.
Hobbes was fond of his dram,
And Rene Descarte was a drunken fart,
"I drink, therefore I am."'
Yes, Socrates, himself, is
particularly missed,
a lovely little thinker,
But a bugger when he's pissed.
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Date: Wed, 5 Jan 1994 10:40:06 -0500
From: Richard Tkachuck <richard@ERICIR.SYR.EDU>
Subject: <No Subject Given>
I took the road less traveled,
and got mugged.
Richard Tkachuck AskERIC Coordinator
AskERIC: ERIC Clearinghouse, 030 Huntington Hall
Syracuse University, Syracuse, NY 13210
Phone: 315.443.3640 FAX 315.443.5448
email: richard@ericir.syr.edu
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Date: Wed, 5 Jan 1994 08:34:08 PT
From: Dave Collins <CO1.PSDBC@TS3.TEALE.CA.GOV>
Subject: Offensive to lambs, lions, circus trainers, circus patrons
Carnival patron: That's the most amzing act I've ever seen; a lion and a
sheep performing together. Do they always get along so well?
Trainer: They argue now and then, but we don' let it bother us. We just
buy a new sheep.
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Date: Wed, 5 Jan 1994 10:36:49 MST
From: Phil Corless <APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET>
Subject: Lawyers (PG)
Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: They both have a one-in-a-million shot at
becoming a human being.
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Date: Wed, 5 Jan 1994 17:43:45 GMT
From: Adam BJ Quantrill <adam@KBSS.BT.CO.UK>
Subject: Sperm (X)
Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: Sperm don't leave quite such a bad taste in your mouth.
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Date: Wed, 5 Jan 1994 16:21:40 -0400
From: Mike Shockley <MSHOCKLE@DREW.BITNET>
Subject: Bra sale and stupid remark--clean
Greetings,
I work in the post office at Drew University and I'm working
on looking up addresses for mail with incomplete info. Anyway, I have
before me a postcard from Victoria's Secret stating:
VERY SPECIAL OFFER!
BRAS AND PANTIES --- HALF OFF!!
I wonder if they have live models....... >;)
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On an unrelated subject--one for the books of stupid remarks. In the
Wall Street Journal today was a story telling of how criminals are
using self-storage units to store dead bodies, toxic waste, and other
such undesirable items. When asked about this, the president of one
self-storage related (paraphrase) the actual amount of criminal
activity was small. (Now quote) "The problems we've had you could
probably describe on one hand, or less than two.)!
^^^^^^^^ ^^ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Last time I checked, and correct me if I'm wrong, 1 qualified
as less than two!! Things that make you go--------DUH!!!!!!!
--Mike
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Date: Wed, 5 Jan 1994 16:35:37 -0500
From: Lee Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: 1 joke
This young guy comes into the office/wagon of the circus master: "I can
climb up the center pole and dive off into space, NO NET, land on my head in
center ring, and jump up and take a bow. How 'bout them apples?
--"How much are you asking for this spectacle?" asks the circus master.
--"Just 200 bucks a show," says the young guy.
--"I don't know. I'll have to see it first," says the circus master.
The acrobat climbs up, dives off, lands on his head, and jumps up and
waves, although a bit wobbly.
--"OK, for 200 bucks a shot, it's a deal," says the circus master.
--"Oh, no! Not 200! 500!" says the acrobat.
--"What? You said 200!"
--"I know I said 200, but that was before I tried it!"
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Date: Wed, 5 Jan 1994 17:53:12 -0600
From: NAME <ECLEMENT@ADMIN2.MEMST.EDU>
Subject: BRAS - CLEAN, SORTA
That Victoria's secret post reminded me of a shopping trip I made with my
daughter several years ago. We were looking at bras for preteens, but we
had younger brother along, age about 5. We three females were looking at
goods on one side of the room while brother sat, crawled, fussed, and did
all the things little boys do when they are bored. Suddenly, loud and clear
as only a small voice can be when it shouldn't, brother called to us from the
display of padded bras. "Hey look at these! What a bargain! They come
with the tits already in them.!"
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Date: Wed, 5 Jan 1994 16:51:02 PST
From: hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life 3.A A collection of clean humor gathered on: 5 Sep 88
----------------------------------------------------
I liked Letterman's "USA Today Poll" --- 3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of
the population.
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"Honey, there's a salesman at the door with a mustache!"
"Tell him I've already got one."
----------------------------------------------------
With all the anti-drug messages on television lately, I was quite surprised
to hear the announcer's comments during the Wimbelton (sp?) match this past
weekend:
... With all the heat this weekend it is going to be a rough match, but
<tennis player's name here> should have an advantage, he plays better
on grass.
----------------------------------------------------
In a related story, Yuppies from all over the country are sending in
their Perrier brand water to the nation's farming belt to help fight
the drought. Farmers appreciate the bottled water effort, but noted one
side effect. Last week, several cows in one man's stockyard had the
urge to steal a BMW and drive recklessly across Nebraska.
RENEGADE NEWS -- The News We Twist To Fit {tm}
06/16/88
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Date: Wed, 5 Jan 1994 21:18:51 EST
From: Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Boring sex <rude>
This is an article which was brought to my attention:
From: hackbod@xanth.cs.orst.edu (Dianne Hackborn)
Subject: Heteronazis, Homonazis, Boredom.
Organization: Buried on the floor somewhere.
I am *definately* a boring person, and after paging through at LEAST one
non-boring article per week on alt.sex.boredom for the last month, I've
finally decided that something needs to be done.
I would like to propose that alt.sex.boredom be reorganized into:
alt.sex.boredom.fag
alt.sex.boredom.dyke
alt.sex.boredom.undecided
alt.sex.boredom.not-really
Leaving alt.sex.boredom for us *truely* boring people.
Now I know, just by being an unexciting person proposing this, that I
am going to get flamed by all those exciting gays (and even the occasional
exciting straight). But before you start SCREAMING "EXCITINGIST" (or wait,
is that supposed to be BORINGIST?!?), I just want all of you exciting
people to know that you are FILTHY DISGUSTING PERVERTS WHO ARE GOING TO
BRING ABOUT THE DEMISE OF THE NET!!! So nya nya nya, flamed you first!
Exciting people make up, what, between 1% (if you sample from Rush Limbaugh
viewers) and 5% (if you include the alt.sex.wanted posters, though this is
more people who *think* they're exciting, rather than actually truely being
exciting) of the population. Most exciting people are about as welcomed by
the majority of Americans as discussions on the sexual practices of Ronald
Reagan. Yet, the alt.sex.ron-n-monkeys people are courteous enough to not
even *have* a group, so we can't even accidentally trip over their
slimey disgusting posts!
In fact, newspapers, personal adds, magazines, even *lawyers* are broken up
by subject, and you don't see any of THEM complaining about this! In fact,
MOST of LIFE is segregated - we even have bathroom.men and bathroom.women,
and no-one is yelling "sexism"!! (Don't worry, I'll propose
bathroom.men.fag and bathroom.womyn.dyke next week.)
Let one boring person complain about being tired of wading through the slew
of articles that could not potentially keep things boring, and the excrement
crowd SCREAM! Whoops, I mean, SCREAMS! Why? You know you are a minority.
You know most of mainstream society would rather be watching The 700 Club.
So why do you insist on forcing your disgusting excitement on us??
Whhhyyyyyy?!?!? You make me sooooooo maaaaaaadd!!! MOOOMMMMMMMYYYYYYY!!!!
Can't you see, putting your exciting posts right in front of us, in our
little newsgroup, is like putting an erotic rape story on talk.rape?!?
Isn't that just an incredibly *subtle* comparison??? See! I'm NOT an
excitingist, or boringphobe, or whateverthehell that is, I'm just a
*caring* and *loving* person, who doesn't want to see the poor innocents on
alt.sex.boredom to continue to be HARASSED by digusting perverted trash
about exciting things.
This has been crossposted to increase the chance of arguments arising
because people are posting based from perspectives of different newsgroups.
Follow-ups to alt.sex.boredom.
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Date: Wed, 5 Jan 1994 22:03:10 EST
From: Jim Otto <jtotto@AOL.COM>
Subject: Re: Politics & Ethnic
A guy walks into a hotel. The woman at the desk says -
"Excuse me sir, don't take offense, but you look exactly like
Adolf Hitler!"
He says - "Yes! I am Adolf Hitler! I have returned to kill 6 million Jews and
12 NFL quarterbacks!"
She says - "But, but, why 12 NFL quarterbacks?"
He says - "You SEE, you SEE, no one cares about the Jews!"
With apologies to our Jewish friends :).
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