Digest for Tuesday, February 01, 1994
There are 37 messages totalling 1036 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Trek stuff #3
- Re: Buffalo Bills joke
- A mother fixation.......
- allusion to dirty words 8-0
- Potatoes (G)
- Re: requesting lawyer jokes
- TWOFER BUSINESSES
- Re: Multiple Recipients of List HUMOR
- Two fer
- T. Harding/C. Barkley
- 25 reasons to make love tonite
- May be offensive to Jim Kelly fans
- Signoff
- Dark Humor
- Two-fer businesses
- Fruit and Nuns (offensive to both)
- Death related humor
- crazy stores
- Speed Test
- potpourri (offensive and in general bad taste)
- Joke (racist, offensive, and generally screwed up)
- OFFENSIVE JOKES
- Two-fer businesses
- Limericks, some naughty some nice
- lawyer jokes
- Stolen techy joke #1
- Stolen techy joke #2
- Sexual
- Groundhog Day
- Clean - may offend christians and ground hogs
- Monty Python
- corny jokes- beware!
- Real Live Newspaper Headlines
- male chauvinistic (possibly offensive to women)
- may be offensive to blacks
- political joke...may be offensive to feminists
- Various clean jokes
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Date: Tue, 1 Feb 1994 00:00:43 EST
From: Nicholas Nazarko <nnazarko@MTU.EDU>
Subject: Trek stuff #3
> THE TOP TEN FAVORITE ACTIVITIES OF CAPT. JEAN-LUC PICARD
>
> 10. Ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on
> the forehead and saying "I could have had a V-8!"
> 9. Yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees a
> shuttle craft
> 8. Screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge
> 7. Spotlighting unsuspecting crew members with the glare from his
> forehead
> 6. Lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers at other
> life-forms
> 5. Sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if Dick
> Hertz is there
> 4. Asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her "a
> REAL Picard Maneuver"
> 3. Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the
> Neutral Zone by asking "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?"
> 2. Telling crew members in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead, Make
> it so"
> 1. Putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away
> team beams back up
>
>
> TOP NINE FUN THINGS TO DO ABOARD THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE:
>
> 9. Skeet shooting the shuttle craft
> 8. Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data
> 7. Giving Worf A nuggie
> 6. Ordering Pizza from Domino's then going 30 min. into the future just
> to piss them off (haha, free pizza!)
> 5. Secretly replacing the Dilithium crystals with New Folger's crystals
> 4. Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during
> self destruct sequence
> 3. Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression
> 2. Calling down to the transporter room, ask if they've beamed aboard
> Prince Albert In A Can
> 1. Tribble sex!
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Date: Tue, 1 Feb 1994 08:21:54 -0500
From: GEORGE COHEN <GCOHEN@BEACH.UTMB.EDU>
Subject: Re: Buffalo Bills joke
What is the difference between a bag of chips and the Buffalo Bills?
The bag of chips deserves to be in a bowl!
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Date: Tue, 1 Feb 1994 10:03:12 -0400
From: Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now. <JBOLOGNA@BENTLEY.EDU>
Subject: A mother fixation.......
A Jewish young man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and
sleeping disorder.
"I am so obsessed with my mother... As soon as I go to sleep, I start
dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up in
such a state, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast."
The psychiatrist replies:
"What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy like you?"
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Date: Tue, 1 Feb 1994 10:23:23 EST
From: David L. Kriegel <stcdlk@ADMIN.AC.EDU>
Subject: allusion to dirty words 8-0
How do you catch an elephant?
First you dig a hole and start a fire in it until a lot of ashes are
formed. Then you get some peas and place them around the hole and hide
in the bushes. When the elephant comes by to take a pea, you kick him in
the ashhole!
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Date: Tue, 1 Feb 1994 08:37:08 MST
From: Phil Corless <APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET>
Subject: Potatoes (G)
Shopping in the vegetable section of the supermarket,
I observed a man gazing intently at a bag of potatoes.
"Excuse me lady," he said. "I don't have my glasses
with me, and my wife wanted some Idaho potatoes. Are
these Idaho potatoes?"
I looked at the printing on the bag and said, "No.
Those are Colorado potatoes."
"Good," he replied. "That's close enough."
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Date: Tue, 1 Feb 1994 07:41:37 PST
From: Jay Sandhu <jsandhu@ESRI.COM>
Subject: Re: requesting lawyer jokes
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetary
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Date: Tue, 1 Feb 1994 10:46:43 -0500
From: Jim Mica (Jimbo), Office of Admission, Ithaca College <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: TWOFER BUSINESSES
Ralph's Bait and Sushi Shop
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Date: Tue, 1 Feb 1994 10:55:17 EST
From: Derrick Cole Raleigh <dcc@RALEIGH.SSDS.COM>
Subject: Re: Multiple Recipients of List HUMOR
"I bought some Instant Water but didn't know what to add."
"One morning I woke up to find all my stuff in my apartment had been stolen
and
replaced by an exact copy."
"I've got a place in the median of the Interstate. It's great, but you've got
to be doing 65 to get out of the driveway."
"I once had a dog and named him 'Stay'. I'd go 'Come here, Stay.' Pretty
soon
the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all."
Derrick
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Date: Tue, 1 Feb 1994 10:06:16 CST
From: Victor McCoy <victor@SHERWOOD.WES.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Two fer
On highway 49 just north of Gulfport, MS, there is a sign
Parker's Pecans and scrap metal (We buy Fur).
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Date: Tue, 1 Feb 1994 10:51:09 -0600
From: Ernie Gammon <eg1@RA.MSSTATE.EDU>
Subject: T. Harding/C. Barkley
From this week's _Newsweek_ magazine:
Charles Barkley : "I heard Tonya Harding is calling herself the
Charles Barkley of figure skating. I was going
to sue her for defamation of character, but then
I realized I have no character."
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Date: Tue, 1 Feb 1994 12:19:56 -0500
From: Scott McKenzie <MCKENZSC@VAX.ETOWN.EDU>
Subject: 25 reasons to make love tonite
******************************************************************************
25 Reasons to make love tonight
******************************************************************************
**
25 REASONS TO MAKE LOVE TONIGHT...
* Twenty-one minutes of moderate sexual exercise will burn off the chicken-
salad sandwich you had for lunch.
* Lovemaking is the perfect way to enjoy a nonalcoholic Happy Hour.
* Your dinner guests (bless them) just canceled.
* You don't have to reserve a court.
* It's an affordable gift for the man/woman who has everything.
* Those frantic gasps during moments of extreme passion won't harm the ozone
layer.
* Consulting dermatologists tell us that afterglow is a leading cause of
younger-looking, firmer skin.
* You can use the practice.
* Dozing off in your lover's arms induces a deeper, more restful sleep
(does not apply if you fall asleep during sex).
* There's nothing good on television.
* Golfers swear it helps their swing.
* A presex back rub can actually improve your posture.
* Passion unlocks the mysterious powers of the mind, enabling you to think
clearly about whether or not to redo the living room.
* You're in an especially festive mood-your in-laws finally left.
* Skinny-dipping a deux in a hot tub is one of the few over-the-counter
antidepressants that doesn't come in a bottle.
* We know of no better subsitute for a trip to the mall.
* During inclement weather, lovemaking can lower the windchill factor
by 50 percent.
* Sex is a valid way to make the earth move without using a garden trowel.
* Haven't you been wanting to reward him for painting the kitchen cabinets?
* Best-kept secret of professional numerologists: Multiplying the total
number of climaxes you and your lover experience by the size of your
bed in square inches will give you a winning lottery number.
* The memories will help you survive tomorrow morning's commute.
* Tonight may be the night your lover rediscovers a long-lost erogenous zone.
* You don't dare disobey your fortune cookie.
* Out-of-control lovemaking is far preferable to doing three loads of laundry.
* Making love is the best way to turn a bad day into a good night.
Hope you enjoyed them!
-Scott McKenzie
-Elizabethtown College
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Date: Tue, 1 Feb 1994 12:31:15 EST
From: Michael S. McCord <Michael.S.McCord@DARTMOUTH.EDU>
Subject: May be offensive to Jim Kelly fans
I heard Kelly couldn't get home last night after the Superbowl.
Someone put an endzone in front of it.
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Date: Tue, 1 Feb 1994 12:47:00 EST
From: warren k murray <MURRAYWK@SNYPOTVX.BITNET>
Subject: Signoff
under no circumstances sign me off this list.
i would not want to miss the daily pleadings
for mercy, please please sign me off not.
warren k murray
potsdam state in the frozen north
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Date: Tue, 1 Feb 1994 12:52:54 -0500
From: Andrew B Stellman <roo+@CMU.EDU>
Subject: Dark Humor
Does anyone have any good suicide jokes, death jokes, and dark humor in
general? It would be helpful.
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Date: Tue, 1 Feb 1994 12:54:16 GMT
From: Jim Davis <JDAVIS@ALLEGVM.BITNET>
Subject: Two-fer businesses
In Huntingdon, PA (Home of Juniata College) you will find the following:
Mark's Corner Store ==> sells guns & slurpies
A Waterbed and video store
A combination nursery/garden shop that also sells yogurt, cheese and on
tuesday
s has fresh seafood.
what a crazy world we live in...
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Date: Tue, 1 Feb 1994 14:15:42 EST
From: Anissa Holman <anissa@UNIX.CAMPBELLSVIL.EDU>
Subject: Fruit and Nuns (offensive to both)
If a raisin is a dried grape
And a prune is a dried plum
What's a dried cherry?
A Nun.
Anissa <anissa@unix.campbellsvil.edu>
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Date: Tue, 1 Feb 1994 13:22:29 -0500
From: JOHN VOGEL <JVOGEL@NHQVAX.HQ.NASA.GOV>
Subject: Death related humor
A young man went to pick up his date at her apartment. She was not
quite ready and suggested he play with her dog handing him a red rubber ball.
The dog was quite insistent that he play with it and begged each time he
brought the ball back. The young man began tossing it to further corners of
the room to get a second or two extra peace from the insistent dog.
He began trying to get the ball to go around the corner into the
kitchen
then he tried bouncing it into the area behind the couch. This was going
fine
and the dog seemed to like the extra challenge when the ball hit the corner
of a stool and bounced onto the balcony and over it. The dog lept over the
rail after the ball... on a 12th floor apartment.
The young man looked on in shock as his date came from her room, took
him by the arm and led him from the apartment making idle chatter about the
weather. They were in the elevator by the time he could even think to say
anything. He realized that he's allowed the moment to pass when he should
have
told her what had happened to her dog. Each second pushed it further away.
He was distant during dinner, terribly distracted. He hardly knew
what the play they were watching was about. In the cab ride back, he was
momentarily in a state of panic but was able to control himself. As she
put her keys into the lock, he turned to her and said, "You know, your dog
looked sort of depressed."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ed was devoted to his cat. He had special cat toys, special foods,
special litter, everything a cat could require, Ed provided. When he had,
absolutely HAD to go to San Francisco for a month and couldn't possibly take
Tabitha (the cat) with him, he called on his younger brother. He got George
to agree to watch Tabitha, to brush her, to feed her, to change the litter at
the right intervals, and made him promise to spend time with Tabitha so that
she wouldn't get lonely.
Ed took the plane to Frisco, certain that Tabitha was in good hands.
He called the first night to see how things were going. "How's Tabitha?" he
asked George.
"The Cat's dead!" was George's only reply.
Ed was in shock. He hung up the phone without another word. He was
in a daze at work for the next three days until he finally convinced himself
he had to call George again. When George answered the phone, Ed gave him no
chance to say more than "Hello," when he began his speech.
"George, you know what Tabitha meant to me. You didn't have to be
that
abrupt. You could have broken it to me gently. You could have said, "Tabitha
is up on the roof. Don't worry. We'll get her down." Then you could have
told me that Tabitha was at the Vets but that he was confident she'd be ok.
Then the next time I called you could break it to me that she'd passed away.
Do you see what I mean?"
"I guess so," George conceded, "I could have been gentler I guess."
"Good. I feel better getting that off my chest. How's Mom?"
"Mom's up on the roof," George confided.
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Date: Tue, 1 Feb 1994 14:29:27 EST
From: Lance Williams <LAWILL01@UKCC.UKY.EDU>
Subject: crazy stores
How's this for a crazy combination for a store. One the outskirts of
Morehead, KY, there is a converted mechanic's garage with tires stacked
up inside the building, and small table out front with bibles sitting on
the table.
The name: Dehart's Bible and Tire Store.
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Date: Tue, 1 Feb 1994 13:34:28 -0600
From: Mark Goehring <mgoehrin@UA.D.UMN.EDU>
Subject: Speed Test
Greetings one and all... First of all, I am tired of two things... People
trying to unsubscribe on the main list (imagine that) and everyone
complaining on the main list about people unsubscribing! If you have a
complaint, write to the idiot who doesn't know what they are doing!
Ok, enough of the bitching... on with the humor!! This test was actually
given to me in a Junior level college class. To make it work right, (if
you give it to someone) preesure them and enforce the 3 minute rule!!
SPEED TEST
INSTRUCTIONS: You have three minutes in which to complete the following test.
1. Read everything before doing anything.
2. Put your name in the upper right-hand corner.
3. Circle the work "name" in number 2.
4. Draw five small squares in the upper left-hand corner.
5. Put an "x" in each square mentioned in number 4.
6. Put a circle around each square.
7. Sign your name under the title of this page.
8. After the title, write "yes, yes, yes"
9. Put a circle around number 7.
10. Put an "x" in the lower left-hand corner of this page.
11. Draw a triangle around the "x".
12. In the space to the right, multiply 70 x 30.
13. Draw a circle around the word "paper" in number 4.
14. Loudly call out your first name when you get to this point in the test.
15. If you think you have carefully followed directions, call out, "I have!"
16. On the immediate right side of this paper, add 107 and 278.
17. Put a circle around your answer to number 16.
18. Count aloud in your normal speaking voice from 1 to 20.
19. Punch three holes in the paper with your pencil point here . . .
20. If you are the first person to get this far, call out loudly, "I am
the leader in following the directions!"
21. Underline all the even numbers on the left-hand side of the paper.
22. Now that you have finished reading directions carefully, do only
sentences one and two.
You can imagine the fun people have (who read the directions) watching
the idiots go through the entire test following every direction!
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Date: Tue, 1 Feb 1994 11:45:06 -0800
From: DNA:THE SPLICE OF LIFE <MASMITH@MICKEY.CARIBOO.BC.CA>
Subject: potpourri (offensive and in general bad taste)
There was some great humor yesterday that reminded me of a variety of jokes,
humorous incidences, and my reckless childhood.
1. Those actual signs reminded me of when I was in Wales. One evening we
stopped inthis beautiful little Welsh village.After we unpacked, the ol'
family went on a walking tour of the village. Outside one of the ancient
cemetaries was a sign that made me ponder. The sign said:
No exorcising of dogs. Apparently the church didn't want to be part
of the stray pet solution.
Another sign I frequently saw was: No entry except for access.
2. Bubba Jackson certainly has been taking a lot of flack lately (that's
Michael Jackson) so I thought, HEY!! Why not take a cheap shot myself.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a Jockey?
A Jockey has a license to ride a three year old
3. Finally, and this is in really baaaaaad taste, those 2fer stores.
How about an abortion clinic and Pizza joint?
There slogan could be: Delivery in 30 minutes or it's free. Or maybe,
Try our zesty homemade sauce. Made fresh daily from the finest ingredients.
I told you it was in bad taste (No pun intended)
ciao fer now
mike
**Remember, if your not in bed by 10 o'clock.......go home**
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Date: Tue, 1 Feb 1994 11:52:31 -0800
From: Robert Martin <RMARTIN@CMCVAX.CLAREMONT.EDU>
Subject: Joke (racist, offensive, and generally screwed up)
How many blacks does it take to eat an armadillo?
Two - one to eat and the other to watch for cars.
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Date: Tue, 1 Feb 1994 14:56:21 -0500
From: CRAY <m975952@KELSO.NADN.NAVY.MIL>
Subject: OFFENSIVE JOKES
DO YOU KNOW HAOW MANY TIMES 35 GOES INTO 14?
NEITHER DO I, BUT YOU CAN ASK MICHEAL JACKSON
DID YOU HEAR THAT MICHEAL JACKSON IS DOING A REMAKE OF ONE OF ELTON
JOHN'S SONGS?
"DON'T LET YOUR SON GO DOWN ON ME"
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Date: Tue, 1 Feb 1994 14:34:01 CST
From: Allyn Lord <ALORD@SATURN.UARK.EDU>
Subject: Two-fer businesses
Here's a real THREE-FER business a friend of mine saw someplace in
Colorado about 15 years ago. It was a combination auto repair shop,
laundromat, and taxidermist, and the name was:
BUFF IT, FLUFF IT, AND STUFF IT
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Date: Tue, 1 Feb 1994 12:50:18 -0400
From: Dale Schroyer <SCHROYE@HSDWL.UTC.COM>
Subject: Limericks, some naughty some nice
There was a young fellow named Willy
Who acted remarkably silly:
At an All-Nations ball,
Dressed in nothing at all,
He claimed that his costume was Chile.
Said a foolish householder of Wales,
"An odor of coal gas prevails,
She then struck a light,
And later that night,
Was collected in seventeen pails.
There's a notable family named Stein,
There's Gertrude, there's EP, and there's Ein,
Gert's prose is the bunk,
Ep's sculpture is junk,
And no one can understand Ein.
A lady removing her scanties,
Heard them crackle electrical chanties,
Said her husband, "My Dear,
I very much fear,
You suffer from amps in your panties."
Rosalina, a pretty young lass,
Had a truly magnificent ass:
Not rounded and pink,
As you possibly think,
It was gray, had long ears, and ate grass.
A pansy who lived in Khartoum,
Took a lesbian up to his room,
And they argued a lot,
About who would do what,
And how and with which and to whom.
There once was a young girl named Jeanie,
Whose Dad was a terrible meanie,
He fashioned a latch,
and a hatch for her snatch,
She could only be had by Houdini.
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Date: Tue, 1 Feb 1994 16:05:22 -0500
From: Katy Sweeny <SWEENYKE@VAX.ETOWN.EDU>
Subject: lawyer jokes
Q Why does California have so many lawyers and NJ have so much toxic waste?
A NJ got the first pick.
(old, I know, but one of my favorites since many of my friends are from NJ)
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Date: Tue, 1 Feb 1994 16:27:47 EDT
From: Jonathan Vincent Ngo <JNGO@CHARON.ENGGA.UWO.CA>
Subject: Stolen techy joke #1
Here's something from the HP 48 BBS:
----------
After the animals left the Ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
A few days later, he noticed the snakes had not been successful.
The snakes explained it was difficult because of the mud.
Noah gathered some logs and built a table. A few days later, he
noticed there were eggs on the table. This proves that even
two adders can multiply on a log table.
----------
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Date: Tue, 1 Feb 1994 16:28:23 EDT
From: Jonathan Vincent Ngo <JNGO@CHARON.ENGGA.UWO.CA>
Subject: Stolen techy joke #2
Here's something that was on the USENET newsgroup rec.humor:
----------
From: posey@skopen.dseg.ti.com (Robert S. Posey 575-6627 msgid 3EVT)
Subject: Re: A New Idea
Nntp-Posting-Host: adr04.dseg.ti.com
Date: Fri, 10 Dec 1993 23:31:46 GMT
Lines: 36
In article 5qo@cd.com, richardm@cd.com (Richard Masoner) writes:
>In article <2dnlau$gb@typhoon.osg.saic.com> nick@osg.saic.com writes:
>>In article <2dlvl5$b1i@net6.ics.uci.edu>, duke@net6.ics.uci.edu (Duke P.
Hong)
writes:
>>|> In article <1993Nov29.103321.1517@ibr.cs.tu-bs.de>,
>>|> Franz <y0000085@ws.rz.tu-bs.de> wrote:
>>|> >Why, when I was a boy, 64K was a lot of memory! In those days we didn't
h
ave
>>|> >any new-fangled CD-ROMs! No, siree! We had to load our games from
TAPE!
>>|> >It took 15 MINUTES to load games back then, and we were GLAD TO HAVE
IT!"
>>|> >
>>|> >Michael Franz
>>|>
>>|> TAPE! Hell, when I was a kid, I wrote my program down on paper and
>>|> retyped it in every time I wanted to play it! Boy, you young-uns
> ^^^^^
>>|> sure do have it cushy!!
>>
>>Paper? You had Paper!? Wow. Now that woulda saved me alot of time.
>
>And you were able to *type* it all in? In my day, I machine coded
>programs and entered them through front panel switches. And I LIKED
>it! (I also walked 5 miles to school through 2 feet of snow uphill
>both ways. And I LIKED it.)
You have front panel switches what a spoiled brat, We had to re wire the RTL
circuitry each time. We also had to crawl, only adults got to walk, 20 miles
straight up, both ways of course, in a full gale-force ice storm.
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Date: Tue, 1 Feb 1994 17:03:40 EST
From: Michael S. McCord <Michael.S.McCord@DARTMOUTH.EDU>
Subject: Sexual
Snake in the Grass
Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age, rather
curious. He has been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from the
older boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day
he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead
of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains
one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. That he did! the
following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother.
Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked awhile, then he turned off
most of the lights. then he started to kiss and hug her. I figured Sis
must have been getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He
must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to
feel her heart, just like the doctor would. He wasn't as smart as the doctor
because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.
I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them
started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have
been cold, because he put it under her skirt. About this time, Sis got worse
and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down to the other end
of the couch. This is when the fever started. I knew it was a fever because
Sis told him she felt really hot.
Finally I found out what was making them so sick...a big eel had
gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood
there, about ten inches long....I swear! When Sis saw it she got scared....
her eyes got big and her mouth fell open and she started calling out to God
and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen. I
should tell her about the ones down at the lake.
Anyways, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting it's
head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess
it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight
while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head
to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could
get a scissor lock on it, and he helped by laying on top of the eel.
The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing
and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the
eel by squashing it between them. After awhile they both quit moving and
gave
a great sigh. I knew it was dead because it just hung there, limp and some
of its insides were hanging out.
Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle but they
went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By
golly the eel wasn't dead. It jumped straight up and started to fight again.
I guess eels are like cats, they have nine lives. This time Sis jumped
up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After thirty-five minutes
of struggling, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead for sure this
time because I saw Sis' boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the
toilet!
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Date: Tue, 1 Feb 1994 17:14:27 -0500
From: Jim Mica (Jimbo), Office of Admission, Ithaca College <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Groundhog Day
GROUNDHOG DAY IS NIGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, indeed, February 2nd is Groundhog Day, one holiday that
several of you have not been taking seriously enough.
Astronomically, Groundhog Day puts us midway between the Winter
Solstice and the Vernal Equinox, deep in the heart of (brr)
Winter.
Economically, if we were living in medieval Scotland, one-fourth
of our yearly rents would be due on February 2nd. What this says
to those of us who are middle-aged and tend to surround scotch
(as opposed to being in the Middle Ages and surrounded by
Scotsmen) I am not entirely sure.
Theologically, at least in the Roman Catholic tradition, February
2nd is Candlemas Day. The end of the Christmas season.
But, of course you all know that the true import of Groundhog Day
is meteorological. If Punxsutawney Phil emerges from his burrow
on Gobbler's Nob on February 2nd and does not see his shadow,
spring is just around the corner. On the other hand, if Phil
sees his shadow, he will be scared back into his burrow and
spring will take 6 weeks to get here.
What is less well known about Groundhog Day is the Even Year
Conditional: If Punxsutawney Phil emerges from his burrow wearing
lipstick then the upcoming National Elections will focus on
issues, a National League Baseball team will raise its hemline
and the stock market will behave as predicted.
All offices will be closed on February 2nd in observance of
Groundhog Day. I'll be looking for you all on Gobbler's Nob.
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Date: Tue, 1 Feb 1994 14:30:10 -0800
From: Larry Richards <LRICHARDS@EWU.EDU>
Subject: Clean - may offend christians and ground hogs
A christian school wanted to offer scholarships to students from other
countries but the applicants needed to know something about U.S. and of course
Christianity. So each applicant was asked a question to see if they
qualified.
The first applicant was asked about Christmas.
"Oh Christmas", the applicant said. "That's the day Americans celebrate
surviving the first winter in America and have a turkey and.."
"No, no!!" the interviewers said. "Next applicant please."
"Tell us about Thanksgiving" the panel said to the next applicant.
"Thanksgiving is when a man in a red suit delivers gifts to children.."
"No, no", the panel said. "Send in the last applicant."
"What do you know about Easter?" the panel asked.
"Easter is when Jesus was crucified." The panel starts nodding their heads.
"He dies and is buried in a cave." The panel is gettin more excited now. "It
is sealed with a big rock." The panel is really excited now. They finally
have a hot prospect. "On the third day the rock rolls aside and Jesus comes
out. And if he sees his shadow, there is six more weeks of winter"
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Date: Tue, 1 Feb 1994 19:02:27 -0500
From: Gerald Lack <glack@JADE.TUFTS.EDU>
Subject: Monty Python
Is there an FTP site that has scripts, .wav files, or other funny Monty
Python stuff? If so, what is the address? Thanks.
-glack@jade.tufts.edu
True Story:
I was recently told by a friend of mine, who just so happened to be the
inventor and distributor of the Ginsu Knife (tm) that he is seriously
considering a name change for the knife in his infomercials. Of course, it
would be called the Lorena Bobbitt Slicer and Dicer. It can cut through a
man's penis with no trouble and then cut a ripe tomato in half!
If anyone believes this is true, I know a bridge in New York that's for
sale....
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Date: Tue, 1 Feb 1994 19:23:28 -0500
From: Katy Sweeny <SWEENYKE@VAX.ETOWN.EDU>
Subject: corny jokes- beware!
A polish guy won 2 gold medals in the olympics, and was SO proud of them, that
when he got home, he had them bronzed.
An indian chief was married to three squaws, each of them pregnant.
He wanted to get each of them a hide to give birth on, so he went hunting.
He loved the 1st squaw, but she wasn't his "favorite," so he got her an
ordinarybear hide.
He loved the second squaw a bit more, so got her a buffalo hide.
The third squaw was his favorite, though, so he went searching and got her a
rare hippopotomaus hide.
All of the squaws gave birth about the same time.
The 1st squaw had one healthy baby boy.
The 2nd squaw also had one healthy baby boy.
The 3rd squaw though, had not one, but TWO healthy baby boys.
the moral of the story?
The squa{ on the hippopotomaus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other
two hides.
(say it out loud if you don't get it)
how did the polack almost kill himself raking leaves?
He fell out of the tree.
(sorry, didn't mean to pick on polish so much... my apologies if I offended
anyone)
Katy :)
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Date: Tue, 1 Feb 1994 17:55:18 -0700
From: e. kirk willard <ekwillar@OURAY.DENVER.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject: Real Live Newspaper Headlines
> Real Live Newspaper Headlines
> ------------------------------
>
> POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS
>
> SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED
>
> DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE
>
> SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS
>
> FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE
>
> IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS
>
> IS THERE A RING OF DEBRIS AROUND URANUS?
>
> STUD TIRES OUT
>
> PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE
>
> PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER
>
> SOVIET VIRGIN LANDS SHORT OF GOAL AGAIN
>
> BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS
>
> LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS
>
> EYE DROPS OFF SHELF
>
> TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS
>
> SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM
>
> SHOT OFF WOMAN'S LEG HELPS NICKLAUS TO 66
>
> ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX
>
> PLANE TOO CLOSE TO GROUND, CRASH PROBE TOLD
>
> MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH
>
> JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT
>
> STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE
>
> TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES
>
> 2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS IN CHECKOUT COUNTER
>
> KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME IN 10 YEARS
>
> NEVER WITHHOLD HERPES INFECTION FROM LOVED ONE
>
> DRUNKEN DRIVERS PAID $1000 IN '84
>
> WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE
>
> IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST A WHILE
>
> COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES
>
> ENFIELD COUPLE SLAIN; POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE
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Date: Tue, 1 Feb 1994 19:53:26 EST
From: Offel Kevin CDT <x63194i2@USMA9.USMA.EDU>
Subject: male chauvinistic (possibly offensive to women)
1) how many women does it take to change a light bulb?
-->who cares? let the bitch cook in the dark!
2) why did the female cross the road?
-->who gives a fuck, what the hell is she doing out of the kitchen?
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Date: Tue, 1 Feb 1994 22:51:34 -0500
From: David Bates <BATESD@CITADEL.BITNET>
Subject: may be offensive to blacks
A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. He sits down
and calls for the bartender. The bartender comes over and says,
"Hey man, where'd ya git that?"
The parrot looks at the bartender and says "AFRICA!"
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Date: Tue, 1 Feb 1994 23:20:48 -0500
From: Benjamin Braddock <BRADDOCKB@CITADEL.BITNET>
Subject: political joke...may be offensive to feminists
Rush Limbaugh and Hillary Clinton walk into an elevator together.
Rush looks over at Hillary, likes what he sees and gives her a wink.
Hillary looks back at Rush and winks back at him. Rush, sensing the
moment takes off his tie and jacket. Hillary, starting to feel warm in the
elevator removes her blouse. Rush then removes his pants and tosses them
aside. Hillary, breathing heavily, removes her skirt and high heels.and
She beckons Rush to come closer and sensuously whispers in his ear,
"Oh, Rush!! Make me feel like a woman!"
Rush then reaches down, picks up his clothes, balls them up and throws them
at her and says "FOLD THEM!"
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Date: Tue, 1 Feb 1994 22:37:33 -0600
From: Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: Various clean jokes
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between the United States and Eastern Eupropean
countries?
The United States still has a communist party.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
There's no Truth in the News and no News in the Truth.
Pravda = Truth, and Isvestia = News.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From the New York Times, 11/7/89:
Q. Do you know what prizes the communists are now offering for
recruiting new party members?
A. If you get one new member, you don't pay dues. Two new members, you
can quit the party. And for three, you get a certificate saying you
were never a member.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I was driving through the country, and there were some cows by the side
of the road. We're all mature adults, so we've all done this: I leaned
my head out of the car window, and yelled, "Moooooooooo." Like we
expect that cow to be thinking, "Hey, there's a cow driving that car!
How can he afford that?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the
inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him:
"What would you do if you realised that 2 trains were heading for each
other on the same track?"
Andy says,"I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy,"and I'd use the manual
lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Andy continues,"I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next
signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well in that case," persevered Andy,"I'd rush down out of the box and use
the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalised?"
"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"
Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Hind's Law #6:
Make it possible to write programs in English and you will quickly discover
that programmers do not know how to write in English.
Steinbach's Rule:
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
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